To ask my friends to talk less about men?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I like my friends, we mostly have good time together, but they are still pretty boy crazy.
Who they are seeing or talking to, about their hobbies (why?), what they said now and analysing it for 30 minutes…. On and on and on….

I’m so bored!
We’re not 13 anymore.

Is it okey to say something and how?

Thank you for the advice, but I don’t think I want to dive in deeper on this subject matter.
I really don’t care why they care so much about men.
It’s so pointless.

You don't sound like you care too much for these friends, so find new ones that are interested in talking about atoms or whatever.

Family, and therefore children, men, dating etc are important parts of most people's lives - if you don't get that, that's fine, but no need to sound like you're somehow better than them because you crave more 'intellectual' conversation topics.

Classic case of outgrowing your friends. its completely normal so you shouldn't feel bad if you take a step back from them for some time

@Lellochip

I’m not better than anyone else, no one is better than anyone else.
Never said anything about ’intellectual’ ”or whatever”. You can take your condescendence somewhere else.

I’m not going to apolize for not caring about some man being grumpy because he was late, or how random man I’ve never met has said this and that and wondering what he could have ment by it.

There really wasn’t any reason to take offence.
Everyone just isin’t so wrapped up in men/kids.

I think talking about relationships and people is fascinating, not just romantic relationships but all - human behaviour never fails to interest me, you sound a bit mean about men and mothers

Thank you!

You're not wrong for being uninterested in relationships with men. They, however, are also not wrong for being interested. You are simply different people who don't really get on very well. You find their conversations boring, but if you attempt to steer the conversation in different ways and they don't engage with it, then maybe they find your conversation boring too.

Everything you've said suggests that you don't really like these women at all - in fact, you come across as being actively disdainful of them - so maybe it's just not a good match? I know what you mean about feeling lonely in a group.

As others have said, maybe look into socialising in different ways, linked to hobbies or whatever. A lot of towns also have local 'meet-up' groups for people who are on their own and just want to meet new people or go to events in a group as friends.

Also ... I'm sure you don't mean it to come across like this, but it sounds from your posts that you've decided that being interested in relationships and dating is silly and shallow and a bit thick, and that being a parent means someone is boring and child-obsessed. You sound as if you think your friends' interests are a sign of weakness and stupidity, but clearly that isn't the case.

I think maybe your notion of what makes someone intelligent/interesting is quite rigid, and you do give the impression (again, I'm sure unintentionally!) that you feel intellectually superior the people around you because of the things you like to talk about. But that isn't necessarily the case. People can be interested in lots of things - I could happily talk for hours about a lot of the topics you mentioned you were interested in, but I could also happily talk with my friends for hours about their relationship woes, or football, or makeup, or which restaurant does the best chips or something.

So while it does sound like you're not really compatible with this particular group, remember to keep an open mind when you're meeting new people :)

Never said anything about ’intellectual’ ”or whatever”.

No, but you used the words mind-numbing, boring, pointless, shallow. You said they have nothing to their personalities besides men. It's not a very flattering description is it, certainly implies you don't think highly of them.

That said I wasn't being funny about finding friends with interests closer to your own, it's just most people will tend to speak about the day-to-day things in their lives, family, pets, work etc.

You say you met most of them through one friend - maybe you just never had much in common with them in the first place?

You just don't sound like you like them very much. Your so disdainful that they might want to date, marry and have kids. And whilst it's fine to be disdainful of lifestyles that are so opposite to what you think is important, I do see how a friendship can work in that scenario without a massive compromise in never talking about anything too important.

Maybe they're trying to convert you to dating, maybe they're self obsessed and don't care that you feel left out, maybe they don't notice. Either way, these friendships aren't giving you anything positive.

Well this certainly opened my eyes how much people really do talk about their partners, I thought I just had bad luck.

I don’t think less of them, I re-read what I wrote, all I see is how I tried to explain that we are grown women who spend lots of time talking about man’s upset or words.
It’s not like somethin is/has actually happened!

And I thought it really was rude for majority of conversation to be about one subject that leaves out one person.
I mean they cut me off or start talking about other things.
That’s why asked.
It’s been made very clear I’ve been wrong.

And I now see that lot of peoplw took it personally, I didn’t know.

But yes, I became friends with one of them, we got on because we loved dogs, both of them are now gone.
And maybe there really isin’t much to hold on to anymore.

Do you think they know how disdainful you think of them? If they bore you talking about relationships, you think life will be hell when they have kids, you are bored when with them, why are you spending free time with them?
It will just frustrate you more and more and could end up in a friendship ending blow up.
Step away while things are OK and as pp have said go find some hobby groups?

@MichelleScarn

Doubtful, since I’m not.

And like I’ve said, writing has made me see that it’s actually the opposite.
They are not treating me very well, they don’t care what I have to say.

I will ask if the first friend wants to see me just the two of us and how that goes.

And then yes, once again, like said before, meet hobbie related people.

I really don’t care why they care so much about...

You've put "men" but it doesn't matter. Theast word in the sentence could be anything. If you don't care why your friends care about something you're not interested in them as people. That's ok for you, but for most people it will be seen as a sign of not caring about them and not wanting to be close to them.

Maybe you are talking about a subject of no personal relevance to everyone and that's why they cut across you?

I really think it would be worth looking into the possibility of neurodivergence.

@EthicalNonMahogany

But I have tried to talk about personal stuff, I’d give examples but people don’t seem to read/understand.
And then they cut me off, because apperently Mike’s (name changed)love for football is more important.

I will not be called neurodivegent because of this.

I know many of you took it personally that some people don’t want most of the conversation be about your man, but c’mon now!

Well, anyway, thank you to the few kind people who actually understood and were helpfull.

My friends and I talk about our families and relationships more than anything else because that's the biggest part of our lives.
We discuss politics and books and art sometimes too.
I wouldn't describe us as boring or shallow.
Our relationships with eachother and our families just tend to be the bigger focus.

You might not have said "I'm so disdainful of their lives and values" but it corms across. All they do is talk about men, you don't get why they're talking about men, you don't care to understand and just assume they're shallow, if they have kids they'll be intolerable etc. What DO you like about them?

As for them, if they're only talking about their own interests and not things that matter to you, if they constantly dismiss your opinions and ignore you, then they're pretty shitty friends. You deserve friends who care about yo u and value you and want to listen to you

You sound almost pissed at them for being in relationships - is this the real issue? You would like a relationship and are envious?

It’s normal for others to talk about relationships. You need to find friends who are single if you want men/women to be completely off topic.

Don't they talk about other things - work, what they have watched on TV, holidays, the news?

If all they do is talk about men it must get a little repetitive, but surely you must realise that most people don't talk about behavioral psychology, thought patterns and false beliefs? Or about how we’re all made of atoms that are 99.99999% empty space?

In terms of increasing your circle of acquaintances that could turn into friendships you could join a book group, do some volunteering or join a society like the Rotary Club or similar.

Ah ok OP, I missed the examples of where you talked about your own emotional needs with them and they cut you off? Maybe you could give another example or two? I promise I will read and try to understand.

It's honestly not about the subject, it's about using talking as a way to find more about the life, emotions and values of the person you're talking to. If they take all the airtime to express their emotional state "How I feel about Mike..." they're not good friends. But I'm still not sure if you're showing them your vulnerability and asking for their views on your life ... or if you are just going OTT with info about hobbies and things.

As others have mentioned, friendships can change and sometimes end, and this can sadden.

YANBU for your views, and indeed many people would not want friends who have largely one subject of conversation, regardless of what that is.

I'm sorry they cut you off OP. You deserve better.
As for the one-subject chats - well, they just don't sound to be the friends for you.

Not all groups are like that... but some just are.

A new mum group (past the baby-stage) I joined when I moved house had a to know so much more than I needed to about some I'd not even spoken to in person. Blushes were not spared. Luckily they didn't need me to join in; my DH would have been beyond horrified to be discussed in that sort of detail!

Other friends are out there :). Hobby groups usually have interests outside their special subject but might have a similar take on things.

I like dog-walkers. Dogs are more interesting than men of course, but this week we talked about our mothers - about travel - about the news this week - about what it is to be a woman - about bluebells - about hopes and dreams both past and present- about pets (especially dogs) - about food - about children - about covid and about films.

@DixonD

No, nothing like that.
Let’s just say that none of them have a relationship I’d like to me in.
So there is absolutely nothing to be envious of.

@RampantIvy

”surely you must realise that most people don't talk about behavioral psychology, thought patterns and false beliefs? Or about how we’re all made of atoms that are 99.99999% empty space?”

Yes, This thread has made that very clear.
I just never have had many friends and these people/topic are what I have to go by.

I just evergrowingly seem to need a deeper connection (let me make very clear once again, I don’t mean to offend anyone, if talking about partner’s video gaming and flu is deep talking to you, that is amazing. I am not judging, it’s just not enough for me. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else!)

Are you able to explain why you’ve never had and never want a relationship and a family, OP? Are you asexual? Shy/socially awkward? Have you tried but been unsuccessful? Or never tried. Do you have male friends? Male family members?

In my friendship groups, we do talk about men, relationships, our kids and family. Also work, home, travel, theatre and musicals, days out, books, current affairs, tv programmes, games such as wordle, moviedle, heardle and semantle, pets, celebrities, music and gigs/concerts.

It comes across that you feel that your topics of conversation are far superior to theirs and therefore you are better than them, you like ‘atoms’ and they like ‘boys’. You come across as quite patronising actually. Maybe they find your conversation boring? Hence the cut offs. It’s quite unusual to be in your 30s and never had a relationship it doesn’t sound like you’ve much in common.

I love talking with friends about relationships, getting advice and support, learning about their partners and lives, I think it gives friendships a greater depth when you learn about the people in their world and the dynamics of their relationships.