To ask my friends to talk less about men?

[YouAreNotBatman]

I like my friends, we mostly have good time together, but they are still pretty boy crazy.
Who they are seeing or talking to, about their hobbies (why?), what they said now and analysing it for 30 minutes…. On and on and on….

I’m so bored!
We’re not 13 anymore.

Is it okey to say something and how?

@Livpool

But you see the thing is I have been listening and listening, for years.
And they know I have nothing to say, or if they ask my opinion, they don’t usually like it and say along the lines: ”you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never dated”.
So what is the point?

And also, it’s so repetitive, guy said/did/wore/sneeze/broke something like this.
Okey, what is so exiting about that?

How is that talking about life?

Why can’t talking about life be more of behavioral psychology, thought patterns and false beliefs. Or about how we’re all made of atoms that are 99.99999% empty space.

That would actually be interesting.
Not men.

Blimey, me and my mates just talk about random day to day stuff. Maybe a bit of current affairs or politics but certainly not talking about atoms, behavioural psychology etc.

So one friend might be talking about work issues, another about her mental health issues, another about her badly behaved dog. I probably bore them a bit talking about my worries about Dd. On the surface of it I could think I’m not interested in my friend’s dog or job…..and they’re probably not that interested in Dd. But we’re interested in each other, so will offer advice and support, etc.

But they should certainly not be monopolising the conversation all the time, but giving you the opportunity to talk about stuff. But maybe none of them are interested in atoms, in which case you need new friends.

Fair enough OP but in my experience most friendship groups don't sit discussing atoms or false beliefs - all a bit deep for a cafe or pub!

Find a group of physicists to hang out with?! Although I know a psychiatrist and she doesn't talk about various psychiatric issues and studies. That is her job not who she is

Okey, taking notes here.

Are there topics I can bring up that aren’t too deep?
Or about men?

This has made me think that, TO ME, the conversations has been lacking/shallow, maybe and I just don’t feel connected and that’s the issue.

What are okey topics?

Do you need to feel connected to your friends and how do you do it?

@Livpool

ind a group of physicists to hang out with?! Although I know a psychiatrist and she doesn't talk about various psychiatric issues and studies. That is her job not who she is

Do you mean that my friends are just the men in their lives?
I mean I find being a psychiatrist much more interesting than having a boyfriend, that at least is an actual achievement!

We talk about (aside from relationships):
Work
Family (our children, parents, siblings etc)
Hobbies
Things in the news that caught our attention
Holidays - one friend is going. Travelling down south east Asia
Health
Pensions (I work in IT for a pension provider and know a lot about pensions so one friends constantly asks me) - does my head in 😂
Plans for future

Hope that doesn't sound too boring

I had this conversation with a couple of friends
One of them was really pissed off but she got over it

The other one said "I understand but we do have issues because for me, talking about guys is a really important part of my life". There was no bad feeling but she stopped wanting to come for a drink with me.

@YouAreNotBatman

Shit, I guess I really need to start finding new friends. Always been crap at that, I guess that’s why I stayid friends with them so long.

We are in our 30’s, so I guess this is who they are.
I’ve been worried if/when one day kids comes to the picture it’s going to be hell, but maybe this already is enough for me.

How do you make friends as an adult.
Also, how do find womwn, who’s personality is more than men in their lives?

Oxford, or Cambridge ect upmarket places where it's more university towns at a guess.

@YouAreNotBatman - she does psychiatry as her job so doesn't want to talk about it all the time when not working. She mostly talks about spinning classes and the gym

• doesn't interest me at all but I listen

@EmmaH2022

I had this conversation with a couple of friends One of them was really pissed off but she got over it

The other one said "I understand but we do have issues because for me, talking about guys is a really important part of my life". There was no bad feeling but she stopped wanting to come for a drink with me.

I guess to some women the men really are that important. Honestly, I just don’t get it. I just don’t understan what can be important about a man I guess that makes me bit weird.

You were very brave to be that honest.
Are you at all friends with the second friend?

Also, thank you for everyone who has said they don’t care what their friends talk about, makes me feel less horrible.

Next time I try and start talking about something I care about, maybe I’ll bore them for change.
I’ve been quite silent the last few times we've met.

This thread kind of gave me new energy.

Can recommend talking about horses OP! 😃

OP the second friend, we grew apart for other reasons, just drifted off, no unpleasantness.

It is very hard. I sympathise.

My friends (different friends) talk to me about:

Their car, what car their dh has. He changes them often
Their mental health
Their kids
Their divorce
Work stuff (previous)
Work stuff (present)
Wordle/Scrabble
Facial treatments/beauty stuff.
Books, shows, exhibitions
Sick eldery parents
Childrens exams, SATs, GCSEs etc
Her cats
Her dog who died recently
Parents and loved who have passed away over the last few years (so covid)
A few talk about their sex lives in a jokey way
The ones getting married this year and next talk about their weddings

Some things I find boring (cars) others draining (mental health) but I think I'm a good listener.

Maybe you need more (better) friends, who have a wider range of topics to discuss?

Op you sound like you are operating at different level cerebrally from them .what did you have in common before they became more interested in relationships?
Have you considered that you might have some neurodivergence?
I do and it can make it really hard for me to relate to people sometimes, especially when they do 'small talk'.
I've got very good at pretending to be interested but honestly I find it draining sometimes and I'd rather be on my own than talk for the sake of it although I understand that lots of people love to chat like this and I'm probably the minority around people who are more neurotypical

@famousforwrongreason

I’ve known them from when we were around early 20’s, so men have always been a big topic.
I became friends with one them while walking our dogs and met the rest of them through her.

I haven’t considered being neurodivergence, just always thought I’m pretty boring because I don’t care about things people usually seems to.
I’ve just kind of waited and hoped we’d start talking about something interesting at some point.
But reading this thread, I guess we have done that all along, I just didn’t know it.

Seriously, kind of opened my eyes today.
I started this thread, because I thought my friendships are shallow, but it seems it’s the opposite.
How did this happen?!

Oh I have a friend like this - she recently got divorced after 15 years of marriage. I understand she wants to get back out there, but her entire personality seems to have changed (hopefully temporarily). She is fully focused on dating, and wants to share way too much detail.

I am hoping she calms down a bit soon. I agree these conversations belong in your younger years - just stay safe and let me know if you're getting married, I don't want to know more than that.

Disclaimer - I love talking about relationships but not all the time.
Also kids etc is quite boring to most people unless they're your own. So yes if there is something significant or there are issues but otherwise shouldn't feature that much beyond the early years.

I talk about psychology, politics, tv shows, music, books, writers, artists, work (depending on who it is - if appropriate), the environment, animals, countries, languages, language, history, games, dogs, plans for nights out/trips, family, house buying/car/decorating/kitchens if any of us are buying, skincare, exercise, diet, food, recipes, crafts, mutual friends, other friends, reminiscing, clothes, workouts, exercise, culture, business, adverts, sociology, anthropology, tv series, alternative medicine, normal medicine, gardening.

Loads of stuff. Conversation is very important to me and I am constantly learning and wanting to learn new things.

I know some lovely people but there is only so much time I can spend with them before requiring more stimulating conversation. I am friendly and open and find it easy to talk to people though.

I’ve been worried if/when one day kids comes to the picture it’s going to be hell, but maybe this already is enough for me.
Why will it be hell when your friends have kids?

@MichelleScarn

I’ve been worried if/when one day kids comes to the picture it’s going to be hell, but maybe this already is enough for me. Why will it be hell when your friends have kids?

Well, I can't speak for OP but some people try to only talk about them, bring them to everything etc.

@MichelleScarn

Because judging the way men monopolize their lives, kids would probably be even worse.

I’ve seen previously reasonable women dissapear into being a mother.
Couldn’t talk about anything else.

I love the timer idea!!!

For me, friendships and romantic relationships are about engaging with what is salient in the other person's life, and exploring both why it means something to them, and how they respond to life's pressures, ups and downs, joys and sorrows.

Like in a film, the issue we care about is never "What new atom does the physicist find?" but "does she find it in time to beat the professor who didn't believe in her/save the city from the bomb/win the big prize so her dog can have the life saving operation".

It doesn't matter to me what my friends bring to the conversation, though I am lucky to have friends who bring funny stories and insights about themselves and a range of things from men to atoms to, I dunno, the idea of atom-sized men. What is interesting is asking them why it matters to them and how it helps them make sense of this big old roller coaster we are all on.

I feel you might not be NT, OP, because you're focusing on the factual subject matter not the relational aspects. But also, you might not have friends who naturally shift the conversation from the literal "He said x" to the "why did I care and what do I want from life?" which I would find more rich. So you could ask them the why questions? If they seem bored and annoyed they might not be ideal for you.

@EthicalNonMahogany

Thank you for the advice, but I don’t think I want to dive in deeper on this subject matter.
I really don’t care why they care so much about men.
It’s so pointless.

Next time I try harder to talk about something that interests me and see how that goes. I’ve done it before, sisn’t go so well, but I give it another shot.

And also look into more hobbies and if I could meet people there.

I think PP are right and I’ve just outgrown them.
Meeting them just seems so shallow now and I feel lonely when we’re together….

Good idea!
probably would fall asleep myself… 😂