Third baby at 38?

[KD85]

I know this is a hot topic that has been discussed many, many times in here but I wanted some impartial advice for my specific set up really. And advice in particular from those with 3 kids and how much you rely on family support etc…

I have two children whom I adore aged 5 and 3.5 years. They are busy and energetic and keep me and my husband on our toes! They aren’t great sleepers and we’re both tricky babies. We are just coming up for air - but have always truly cherished them and adore being parents.

I always imagined we would have three. OH is happy with 2 but happy to have 3 mainly because he knows it is what I always wanted from the outset. Practically he does seem to often point out how we would have more time and money for the two we have if we just stuck with 2 and I think deep down he would be happy with that if I’m honest.

We have been discussing this potential 3rd child for 3 years and I’m now 38 and feel I don’t want to wait much longer but can’t decide! We accidentally fell pregnant last year and I was initially surprised by how anxious I was (I worried that I’d upset the apple cart and ruined my existing childrens lives, worried about money and supporting 3 teenagers etc) We were very sad to miscarry at 11 weeks but felt it wasn’t meant to be and decided to stick with 2 and move on. But for me I can’t shake it! I’m obsessed by it and it constantly resurfaces every few weeks.

Reasons to have a third are all entirely led by the heart and I fear the deep regret in the future if I don’t act on this since it is not going away - I’ve come back to this idea of a third child for years. It’s a deep rooted thing that and I’ve realised that because I am an only child and not close to my parents, I have longed for a large family around me and for my children to enjoy the big family I never experienced. Grandparents are not very close to us and my children only really have me and their dad in their lives from a family perspective. No cousins. So I want to have another child to give them that experience and to belong a to gang/have a greater support in life that I have never had aswell as easing the pressure on their relationship as they grow up. However given my own extended family set up and lack of support I’m worried that it would put me and my husband under too much pressure to raise three children without any family support in times of need etc - we have only each other and OH has a busy and stressful job.” Requiring long hours.

We would also need a new car and new house but plan to move in a few years regardless.

Age gap also a concern. My two have 18 m between them and anything we do as a family is generally appropriate for them both whereas I worry if we now throw a baby in the mix it will cause logistical problems managing the needs of eldest and youngest particularly without the option of dropping one off at grandmas etc - days out and holidays for a 6 and 8 year old - how do others manage that?

I’m going round in circles!

My gran ( a mother of 6) once said to me

" you will never ever regret having another child, but will regret not having another one (if you want it)"

she also said these are the best years of your life and when she looked back on her 85 years the ones where she was in the thick of it with her young children were by far her best.

I have 3, 9 year old, 7 year old and a 1 year old.

We have help thought with both sets of grandparents but more for when we work and not so much for nights out etc so we dont have alot of time to ourselves, but i know in 10 years we will have to much time to ourselves lol.

The 2 older ones adore their baby sibling and it was nice having more time with the baby on my mat leave as they were at school.

I has 5th DS 6th for my DH at 38 . I do remember saying I would like to have been any older - and he was a very good baby unlike DS4 ! It's not so bad having 3 because you still fit in a decent sized family car . Still can get family tickets for 2 adults 3 kids, etc. It's when you get more than 3 that it gets really awkward ! Anyway, that's my take on the matter . I bet you know in your heart what's best for you, really .Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you really want it, then go for it. There's no point worrying over the logistics now, it all works itself out.

I had my 3rd at 40 with a huge age gap!

I have 3. I love them dearly but I found the jump from 2 to 3 tough when they were small. We were permatnely exhausted and didnt really enjoy them. Even now I feel I'm spread too thin, that I could have helped more with homework if we had stuck with 2. I used to do loads of crafts and things but didnt really have energy after 3rd.

Everything is just little more complicated with 3 especially now entering teen years. Need bigger car, Iv 2 that struggle to share a room, the cost of 3 sets of activities, paying for tutors for each child as they need support in different areas - you cant just pay for one. Even booking a room on holiday as its mich harder to find a room for 5 and costs more than 4.

I have a 5, 3 and 1 year old. No family nearby, mine are the other end of the country and DH’s are abroad. DH works long hours too so it’s just me a lot of the time, though I do only work very part time at the moment (and DH is very hands on when he is around). It’s hard, no question, but absolutely brilliant at the same time. First year when all three were preschool was hardest, with oldest at school now it’s easier. I love seeing them develop their personalities and the relationships growing between them. And I love the little gang they are, even now, and can only see that getting better! It’s obviously not for everyone but I completely understand the urge as I always wanted three and have not regretted it x

Following as I'm in a similar situation! Mine are 5 and 2 and I'm not sure I'd like a bigger age gap so we could potentially try this summer? I'll be 38 this year too.

There's quite a few 'cons' on the list, including increased travel costs (we live abroad and come home to visit around 4 times a year), bigger car/new car seats, increased costs, being spread more thinly, etc.

We have friends who have a 10 and 8 year old and are due their third next month. I don't think I'd leave it that long! But her kids are firmly in the tween stage and I think she's looking forward to having a little baby to cuddle who doesn't answer back

I had a similar dilemma but decided last year to stick with two and am becoming more and more comfortable with that position as time passes. What made up my mind was talking to friends who have three about the toll that the third took on their relationship with their other half and the quality of life for their other children. Ultimately I think my children will gain more from having more of my time and attention (and money!) than they would from another sibling. Every situation is different though and I’m coming from the context of already having demands on my time with a full on job and no help from family.

Thanks for your replies. Chicci1 I totally see the argument for splitting time and money three ways, that’s definitely something that concerns me.

Financially we are ok - but based on where we live, most families local to who us that have three or more children have more wealth than us. We would definitely have to sacrifice holidays and change how we live a little. In terms of splitting time - I honestly don’t know how others achieve that. How do you nurture children when you’re outnumbered?! I guess I just think others cope, so would I. But practically it is a concern. Doing homework with eldest whilst breastfeeding an infant for example!

2 is cheaper. We needed a bigger car for 3, if you go on holiday you often pay for a place that sleeps 6 when there’s only 5 of you.
Make sure you really want another, that you’re not just having what you always thought you would.

Excellent point…I’ve wanted this for so long - pre having any children but Based on what I now know about parenting and also considering the reality of my set up, I think we would struggle and that’s why I’m hesitating. I envy others who have three, more often than not they have family support etc but I need to be sure I want it based on my own reality. It does sound like a big jump!

Mine are 8 and 4 and I wanted a third but made the decision to stick with two a few months ago (DH had the snip!). For us it was mostly financial- needing a bigger house, the cost of holidays and the cost of their extracurricular things which seem really expensive. We would have manage with a third but I’ve come to terms with not getting to do the baby stage again.
I don’t think I would have regretted a third child as such, but I think this is the best decision for our family.

I wanted a fourth, DH didn’t, so we didn’t. I was heartbroken, had actual pain in my chest when I thought about it.
But now I’m glad we didn’t have another. I’m too old to have another teenager now and I’m planning travel and early retirement .

I have 3. The hard bits (other than the obvious) are cars and booking holidays abroad are hard. Family rooms to sleep 5 are more expensive and most hotels try and split you into separate rooms.

My third was very much wanted after a lot of loss so I wouldn't go back and change it.

I'm now 100% sure I don't want anymore and as pp said you are are unlikely to regret having a child.

Those of you with three, what sort of holidays do you do and generally how frequently?

Also cars? What are the popular options?

I have two teenagers and about to think about University costs, just seen another lady posting about how to afford 3 DC at University (hadn't realised they would have to contribute to the costs)...

I notice that mostly people posting on these threads have young children. It's quite different having older ones and in some ways, more challenging and expensive...

If you want one enough then you'll figure out the details to make it work.

I had our youngest at 37, she followed 2 miscarriages. Our others were 6 (twins), 9, 10 & 15 when she was born. I have very little support from family (I don't ask for it often) and dh works away for days to months at a time so I am a SAHM.

Our kids do their own homework, they rarely need my help. Good job tbh because I was so rusty with high-school stuff I had to Google it 🤣.

We had a vectra when we had 3 kids and it had plenty of room, got an s max when pregnant with 4/5 and still fine now.

This is true - I have no idea what’s ahead of me in terms of raising teenagers. Not just the cost but the emotional support and time they need.

I had a 3rd at 38. Oldest was 9 middle was 4. All good as far as I am concerned.

Also just following out of interest. No advice but we are in a kind of similar situation - I can see us with 3 children in the long-term, husband not against but I think would be happy to stop at 2 as well. I have similar thoughts to you that our kids won't have any cousins so I want them to be their own little gang and have people around them/wider families when they get older too.

We live comfortably but not wealthy. I work part time now and my career/pension would continue to take a hit. Would probably need to move house eventually to get more space but this is on the cards anyway as current house not really ideal long-term.

Probably over thinking but I also worry about them having to take on responsibilities for our extended family who have not had children but may need care in the future. I've seen this happen with our parents taking care of aunties/uncles who had no other family as well as them looking after our grandparents. I know their is no onus on them to do this at all but I'd like to hope they would want to if it came to that and I don't want that responsibility to just fall on one or two people.

We do have family local to us who help us out a lot but I do worry about their health long-term and know I can't rely on their help always being there as it is now as they get older.

But I go back to what a PP said that you'll (hopefully) never regret having another child. Things might be trickier and more expensive but you just cut your cloth and adapt to make it work. I'm pretty sure I'll have bigger regrets not going for it but I get how difficult it is to weigh up what's right for you

Just had the 3rd and around same age - family all overseas. This is by a distance the most relaxed baby to parent as we have been there, done that and feel so chilled with her. The older two adore her. We had all the same worries but now are really happy. Yes - logistics are more complex, but we are so glad to have her. Just feels right! I was quite nervous when pregnant but now just makes sense for us! So there's a perspective, definitely biased by our experience

I am the eldest of 3. I'm 30, middle sibling 27, youngest sibling 20. Same parents, same upbring but cooommpletely different generation. We love our younger sibling dearly but the world she's growing up in is so different to what me and my brother grew up in. If you're going to have another I'd think about it soon before the age gap gets too big. We don't have much in common with our younger sibling, we've both moved out, bought houses, married/long term partners and she's still at uni.

@KD85

Also cars? What are the popular options?

VW Sharan!

The back seats fit the grandparents when we go out, otherwise the extra boot space is fantastic to throw everything in: pushchair, big winter coats, wellies, shopping bags......

Tbh with you, I struggled with my 3rd 😔 but it's unfair to compare because my situation changed and the 3rd just made things very difficult for me.... if we were financially comfortable and had our own house and things were stable, maybe I would go for no4 🙃

@KD85

Those of you with three, what sort of holidays do you do and generally how frequently?

We did camping holidays where kids went free.

www.eurocamp.co.uk/