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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Third baby at 38?

62 replies

KD85 · 19/04/2022 12:26

I know this is a hot topic that has been discussed many, many times in here but I wanted some impartial advice for my specific set up really. And advice in particular from those with 3 kids and how much you rely on family support etc…

I have two children whom I adore aged 5 and 3.5 years. They are busy and energetic and keep me and my husband on our toes! They aren’t great sleepers and we’re both tricky babies. We are just coming up for air - but have always truly cherished them and adore being parents.

I always imagined we would have three. OH is happy with 2 but happy to have 3 mainly because he knows it is what I always wanted from the outset. Practically he does seem to often point out how we would have more time and money for the two we have if we just stuck with 2 and I think deep down he would be happy with that if I’m honest.

We have been discussing this potential 3rd child for 3 years and I’m now 38 and feel I don’t want to wait much longer but can’t decide! We accidentally fell pregnant last year and I was initially surprised by how anxious I was (I worried that I’d upset the apple cart and ruined my existing childrens lives, worried about money and supporting 3 teenagers etc) We were very sad to miscarry at 11 weeks but felt it wasn’t meant to be and decided to stick with 2 and move on. But for me I can’t shake it! I’m obsessed by it and it constantly resurfaces every few weeks.

Reasons to have a third are all entirely led by the heart and I fear the deep regret in the future if I don’t act on this since it is not going away - I’ve come back to this idea of a third child for years. It’s a deep rooted thing that and I’ve realised that because I am an only child and not close to my parents, I have longed for a large family around me and for my children to enjoy the big family I never experienced. Grandparents are not very close to us and my children only really have me and their dad in their lives from a family perspective. No cousins. So I want to have another child to give them that experience and to belong a to gang/have a greater support in life that I have never had aswell as easing the pressure on their relationship as they grow up. However given my own extended family set up and lack of support I’m worried that it would put me and my husband under too much pressure to raise three children without any family support in times of need etc - we have only each other and OH has a busy and stressful job.” Requiring long hours.

We would also need a new car and new house but plan to move in a few years regardless.

Age gap also a concern. My two have 18 m between them and anything we do as a family is generally appropriate for them both whereas I worry if we now throw a baby in the mix it will cause logistical problems managing the needs of eldest and youngest particularly without the option of dropping one off at grandmas etc - days out and holidays for a 6 and 8 year old - how do others manage that?

I’m going round in circles!

OP posts:

MadameDragon · 19/04/2022 18:37

As one of three, you won’t necessarily get a happy little gang. Two can have stability, but with three you have a constantly changing pair and one left out, or one is the odd one out because the other two are a different sex.
Have a third child if you want one, but not for the sake of the children.
(I’m sticking with 2.)

Ellie56 · 19/04/2022 18:37

But just to put a different slant on things being part of a "gang" is not a given. Our three sons are very close in age but not in any other sense, as they are all very different.

MurmuratingStarling · 19/04/2022 18:38

IMO 40 should be the absolute cut-off point for having a baby. I don't care if nature allows it at 43/45/47 etc, it's crazy to be having a baby past 43-44. It's a case of 'just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you should.'

If people say it's OK to have a baby at 46/47, because nature allows, it. then by that token, you may as well say it's OK to have a baby at 12, because nature allows it.

Anyway, I digress. 38 is OK. Just about. And I know half a dozen families with 3 children. They seem happy enough.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 18:44

There was a long post the other day on aibu from someone who had the 3rd and was finding it tough feeling like she was stuck with baby and missing out on life with older ones. Lots of people with 3 shared.
I’d really think hard and speak to DP. If life is good now I’d be very tempted not to mess it up.
As a mum of a child with a disability I’d also say have you thought about how that would impact you all.

brokengoalposts · 19/04/2022 18:50

I have stepdd who lived with us, ds and dd, who I had at 38. We paid stepdd through uni, ds is now there and I have dd who is 16, so another possible5 years till uni ends. I'm 55, retirement is a fantasy, no way will I have enough to retire at a normal age. I know it seems a long way off to you but it comes up fast and although I'll never regret dd, I adore her, the fact I'll be working when most people slow down, does worry me. Plus I'm on a decent salary, that just means we have to pay more and I'll have no time to recoup the money.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 19/04/2022 18:56

Just had my 3rd baby almost 6 weeks ago. I'm 42. My other kids - one was 5 a fortnight ago and the other is very close to being three. There's 25 months between the first two. They afore their new sister. Especially the oldest. We had to train in our car for a bigger car and will soon have to move to a bigger house. I also worried about the dynamic, but it's fine. Easier going from 2 to 3 than 1 to 2.

Foxglovers · 19/04/2022 19:02

I could have written your post, OP! Although my DH is less keen…I’m one of 3 myself and love the idea of my children being part of a big family and would love us all to be close.
Financially we would be fine and I’m a SAHM but I worry how I would split myself between 3 and would I be better off devoting that time to
My two rather than having another sibling for them?!
Always thought I’d have 3 and I don’t want a big age gap. I’ve found both my pregnancies very tough and worry my kids would kind of lose me to being pregnant again where I found that a good few months of it I was ill/struggling to get about …then being attached to a breastfeeding newborn - but then I think they would have each other to play with so that would help! Feel like I need to decide in the next 12 months!

DoItAfraid · 19/04/2022 19:06

@Chicci1

I had a similar dilemma but decided last year to stick with two and am becoming more and more comfortable with that position as time passes. What made up my mind was talking to friends who have three about the toll that the third took on their relationship with their other half and the quality of life for their other children. Ultimately I think my children will gain more from having more of my time and attention (and money!) than they would from another sibling. Every situation is different though and I’m coming from the context of already having demands on my time with a full on job and no help from family.

Thank you for your post. Wise words I think. I am 41 and my broodiness is refusing to die.

38 - with that gap you have OP and enough financial stability - i would say go for it.

One thing my mum said to me that I thought was interesting was that in her personal experience not all women feel “done”. Most just decide to be done. I found that hugely comforting as it normalised my feelings but also alerted me on that i need to engage my brain as well as my emotions.

Clymene · 19/04/2022 19:12

@MurmuratingStarling

If people say it's OK to have a baby at 46/47, because nature allows, it. then by that token, you may as well say it's OK to have a baby at 12, because nature allows it.

Anyway, I digress. 38 is OK. Just about. And I know half a dozen families with 3 children. They seem happy enough.

On what basis?

oviraptor21 · 19/04/2022 19:30

@MurmuratingStarling

If people say it's OK to have a baby at 46/47, because nature allows, it. then by that token, you may as well say it's OK to have a baby at 12, because nature allows it.

Anyway, I digress. 38 is OK. Just about. And I know half a dozen families with 3 children. They seem happy enough.

What an odd thing to say! What is your reasoning for this?

I had my fifth at 42.
Absolutely the right thing to do.
Finances OK. No wider family around to support. DH worked long hours and I was sahp.
You do learn ways of managing the numbers.
Age range of ten years with the biggest gap to the last. I'd have had that gap smaller if possible but life doesn't always work to plan.

Absolutely they are a little gang, had so much fun over the years, have all achieved well in their different ways so no sense of parents not having enough time for them, have each other's backs and will hopefully be a fantastic support for each other when DH and I depart this world!

TruJay · 19/04/2022 19:55

Well I’ll be 34 when this little one arrives and my youngest will turn 9 the month after and my eldest will be close to turning 13. We haven’t had the blessing to choose an age gap any time we’ve tried with losses and genetic testing taking the lead on that. We have friends with a 17 year age gap!
If you want a third, go for it. I’ve wanted this little one for years and years so can totally understand not being able to shake the feeling, I’m awaiting a call for the all clear on baby’s testing and I am hoping so much I’ll get to meet them, I don’t care about my age or the age gap between baby and siblings.

mehumumu · 19/04/2022 20:14

Your age is fine, but I had this thought about a third and I think it's just hormones and that babies are lovely and cute ( when you look back at photos) and they seem to grow up so incredibly quickly. I always thought I'd only have one, but then two is standard. Not going for a third, would like to work on my career.

Hadjab · 19/04/2022 20:21

We had our third and youngest at 37, after having our first at 21 and our second at 30. It's worked out perfectly for me, as I'm young enough to pursue a career, young enough to not be an embarrassment to her , and she has older siblings that she's super close with, who let me go off and do stuff, like weekends away with the girls, etc.

Hesma · 19/04/2022 20:26

I had mine at 36 and 39 but bear in mind there are increased chances of twins, Down syndrome and complications as you get older

mopjig · 19/04/2022 20:51

I liked the idea of having 3 but couldn't get past all the practical reasons not to. I am enjoying my two now they are older so much, holidays and days out are easy and fun (18m age gap) and the idea of going back to sleep deprivation and lugging buggies about just filled me with too much dread to outweigh the romantic notion of having a "gang".

Also I was the youngest of 3 with a 5/8 year gap between me and my older siblings and whilst we get on great now, I was quite lonely growing up at times.

EcoCustard · 19/04/2022 21:11

I had Dc4 at 38 which gave us 4 under 4 (unplanned for), tired but just getting life back on track now at 41. However with dc3 I did find it hard going from 2 to 3 children. No family support and DH worked away at the time. It was ok house wise as we have a 3/4 bed and room to extend. Car had to be changed and I never went back to work, but opted to carry on with my OU degree part time. Dc1 and Dc2 despite being toddlers were a great help and took to their new sibling. However as they grew she was very much out of the gang as dc1&2 were and are very close. I will add though I had postnatal anxiety (quite bad) and postnatal depression (not as bad) diagnosed at 6 months. It was the only pregnancy that I suffered with it, so undoubtedly made life feel very hard and miserable but with help turned things around. I have my four dc now and so glad we went for dc3 and our unplanned for Dc4, wouldn’t change it for the world.

Original poster

KD85 · 19/04/2022 21:30

Ok the uni fees - eek! It feels so far away, it could change?! Am I being irresponsible? What if not all three wanted to go? Ok I know I am being a tad irresponsible but is everyone out there having children only doing so in the basis that they can fund the 15k (tuition inc extra costs) or so a year per child for uni?

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/04/2022 21:34

Don’t assume that they will get on and be a gang.
And I agree with pp that some people are never done with having babies, but it doesn’t mean you should keep having them. Sometimes you have to tell yourself no.

Original poster

KD85 · 19/04/2022 21:38

I mean, we are debating whether 3 is plausible - there is no way on this earth we would choose to go above 4. But I understand the point, some people always elderly that urge and where does it stop? I don’t believe that would apply to me

OP posts:

Newusername3kidss · 19/04/2022 21:40

I recently wrote a post about feeling guilty for regretting having a third. Honestly it’s hard, I have bigger age difference though 8,6 and18 months. I feel like I’m constantly missing out with one of time. Spend so much time stopping youngest from killing himself (he never stops) that older two are often just left to it. Also have to divide and conquer a lot, older two off to cinema for example with dad and I’m stuck with youngest. Recently went on holiday and honestly we would have had an amazing time without the youngest, just so tough all the stuff you have to cart everywhere, fussing at meal times, nightmare at bedtime etc. I wanted 3 and having 2 never felt complete and obviously I love him to bits and older kids are asking for another baby so I’m not failing completely but I’m shattered and feel like I can’t give quality time to all 3

Original poster

KD85 · 19/04/2022 21:48

@Newusername3kidss

So sorry you feel like that. I’m sure you’re doing a great job (it sounds like it!) We can be too hard on ourselves!

This is a helpful insight. I really worry about splitting my attention 3 ways (more so than the financialpracticalities) and I fear I would be at home with the littlest for a while whilst OH is off enjoying activities with the older ones

OP posts:

Lindyloomillion · 19/04/2022 21:50

I had three, with a big gap between the first 2 and the last.
What I'd say is there is is it less connection between the oldest 2 and the last, which I regret. They are fond of each other but in different places in their lives. The older two are a team, the youngest more of an only child.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

OverTheRubicon · 19/04/2022 21:53

Like you, after having a miscarriage I found myself obsessed with a third. Hormones do very odd things. I did have a third, and love them all dearly. However, my then husband, despite having initially wanted 3 or 4, found it all a bit much, especially as it became apparent that one of our DCs has additional needs.

Being now a single parent of 3, who don't all get along, is a lot. While I'd never want to hand one back (not even when they turn tooth brushing into a 15 minute epic!), I think that if you are able to be happy with 2, that is likely the sweet spot for most.

Doloresabernathy42 · 19/04/2022 21:56

Don't have another OP.

I have a two year age gap. I had my kids when I was a similar age to you (33 and 35). I had a difficult pregnancy with DS2 and in all honesty that put me off for life.

My boys are 9 and 7 now. Life is good. We have money and time to spend on both boys equally. As soon as our youngest went to school, life became infinitly easier year after year (even with covid and home schooling!). I knew then that I could never go back to the baby stage of sleepless nights, nappies and no time energy or money for myself.

And the final reason why I will never have 3. Twins run in my family. It will be just my luck I plan on 3 and end up with 4. The chance of twins also increases with age.

Original poster

KD85 · 20/04/2022 07:54

Thanks everyone for your comments. Still so undecided and still no idea whether to try or not. But every comment has been helpful and given me food for thought

OP posts:

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