Third baby at 38?

[KD85]

I know this is a hot topic that has been discussed many, many times in here but I wanted some impartial advice for my specific set up really. And advice in particular from those with 3 kids and how much you rely on family support etc…

I have two children whom I adore aged 5 and 3.5 years. They are busy and energetic and keep me and my husband on our toes! They aren’t great sleepers and we’re both tricky babies. We are just coming up for air - but have always truly cherished them and adore being parents.

I always imagined we would have three. OH is happy with 2 but happy to have 3 mainly because he knows it is what I always wanted from the outset. Practically he does seem to often point out how we would have more time and money for the two we have if we just stuck with 2 and I think deep down he would be happy with that if I’m honest.

We have been discussing this potential 3rd child for 3 years and I’m now 38 and feel I don’t want to wait much longer but can’t decide! We accidentally fell pregnant last year and I was initially surprised by how anxious I was (I worried that I’d upset the apple cart and ruined my existing childrens lives, worried about money and supporting 3 teenagers etc) We were very sad to miscarry at 11 weeks but felt it wasn’t meant to be and decided to stick with 2 and move on. But for me I can’t shake it! I’m obsessed by it and it constantly resurfaces every few weeks.

Reasons to have a third are all entirely led by the heart and I fear the deep regret in the future if I don’t act on this since it is not going away - I’ve come back to this idea of a third child for years. It’s a deep rooted thing that and I’ve realised that because I am an only child and not close to my parents, I have longed for a large family around me and for my children to enjoy the big family I never experienced. Grandparents are not very close to us and my children only really have me and their dad in their lives from a family perspective. No cousins. So I want to have another child to give them that experience and to belong a to gang/have a greater support in life that I have never had aswell as easing the pressure on their relationship as they grow up. However given my own extended family set up and lack of support I’m worried that it would put me and my husband under too much pressure to raise three children without any family support in times of need etc - we have only each other and OH has a busy and stressful job.” Requiring long hours.

We would also need a new car and new house but plan to move in a few years regardless.

Age gap also a concern. My two have 18 m between them and anything we do as a family is generally appropriate for them both whereas I worry if we now throw a baby in the mix it will cause logistical problems managing the needs of eldest and youngest particularly without the option of dropping one off at grandmas etc - days out and holidays for a 6 and 8 year old - how do others manage that?

I’m going round in circles!

Can I suggest that you read this thread:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/higher_education/4532799-what-if-we-can-t-afford-to-support-dc
Also, consider how expensive teenagers are not just financially, but the emotional toll they take on you.

Will check this out, thank you. Wow I didn’t ever once consider the costs of uni etc with my first 2. Jumping to 3 is so more complex!

We have three - currently 24, 23 and 21, with the youngest about to finish uni. I had the youngest at 37. They've all had their separate groups of friends growing up, but get on very well with each other. Other posts have mentioned emotional support - they now get that from each other. I found it hardest going from one to 2. The third just had to slot in and I was much more relaxed about parenting by that time anyway. I took a break from working after the birth of no 2 until no 3 went to school. Financially, it was tough, but I now have three children who are still cheap to entertain. We camped a lot when they were younger - and they'll join us again for a big group camping weekend with friends in the summer. We then moved on to renting cottages, and Tesco vouchers have helped out a lot over the years. Most of the local families we spent time with have three children, so we've tended to support each other with lift sharing, baby-sitting, emotional support.

Putting three through university hasn't been cheap. They've taken out all the loans available, and we've topped them up. It's been a bit like having a second mortgage, especially for 3 of the 7 years where two were at uni at the same time, but now the youngest is about to finish, I've paid the last instalment on his accommodation and I'm now quids in! Since the youngest started school and I went back to work, my salary has been used to support the children. No idea what to spend it on now.

I had my first and only via ICSI at 38; DH was 47. DS is now 22 and about to finish his Masters.

I had my third at 38 and had 18 months between the first two. Honestly, I don’t recommend, delightful as they are, it’s been very draining. All that annoying toddler stuff just feels like it’s been going on for ages. I often fell when we’re out how easy it would be with just the older two and not having a pre schooler fussing and being difficult. Holidays are more expensive; we have to get three bedrooms. I wanted three; I have three. Oddly I don’t encourage others.

Had my third at 38 no regrets. 8 year gap to the eldest, again has not been a problem - rather a proper big brother. And until the youngest decided against a gap year no risk of two at uni at the same time. Realise that is a way off for op of course.

I was 45 when we went for our third. I was afraid that I'd regret it all my life if we didn't. It's been tough at times, but OMG I don't regret one single second of it. DS now 18, DD 15. (we lost our first due to neonatal death) Never had any money and had to work hard to keep fit to keep up, but oh! what a fab time we've had (if we ignore all the usual hassles, grief etc). I just make sure my hair is dyed so I don't look too old, and just get on with it.

If you go with the assumption that the third won’t be close to the older two and things are a real pain for a few years and they might all hate each other as teens and adults, does that change anything? Do you want the fantasy or do you actually want to bring up three people regardless?

If you do then tbh I’d get on it as in the nicest way possible it won’t be a cert until it happens.
Maybe come off contraception and see if it’s meant to be?

I could have written this (except it’s DH who really really wants a third) and found the answers so helpful.
OP have you gone for it?

I know this thread is nearly a year old but I'm interested to know how things went for you Op?

I feel very similarly to you. I'm 36 with a 4.5 year old and a 20 month old. If we had another one, I would want to wait at least a year or so. Just because dc1 is starting school in September and I would like to have some time with just dc2.

I'm also an only child which has had a massive impact on my life. My side of the family consists of my parents and an uncle. Dh's family have moved away. So I would like a bigger family.

However I'm scared! Ttc again, going through pregnancy and birth, postnatal depression (I've had it twice). So it's weighing it all up.

What did you decide OP? How are you x

oops, only just seen this!! She is now 17. She is very difficult to deal with, but I still don't regret a thing. How are you doing?