Being told to choose between partner and my family

[StephMum92]

Quite a long one so I'm sorry I'm advance. My partner and my mum haven't got along for most of our relationship. He's a recovering alcoholic and does relapse from time to time, the last one being when our little girl was only 4 weeks old. Anyway last night I had a seizure and had to go to hospital. My mum and grandad came down and wouldn't leave our daughter with my partner (he's just had major knee surgery) but when he asked they were just shouting because he's a piss head. My partner has now asked me to choose either him or my family. AIBU to not choose any? He said it's for his mental health but it doesn't seem anyones bothered about mine

Your partner is an alcoholic.

I’m sorry but you should leave with your daughter.

Until he’s sober it’s not a good environment for your little girl.

It sounds like you're massively minimising his behaviour. What has he done to make your mum say this?

Could you see yourself leaving your partner?

You choose your family. If any man askes you to choose between him and the people trying to protect you and your dd, you choose the later.

You’re choosing between your partner and your daughter actually. And your family knows.

Don’t let your daughter grow up with a relapsing alcoholic.

Tell him to choose alcohol or you? Sounds like your parents were right not to leave your daughter with him

Family of course. Dump the loser he'll be a poor father.

Sorry this is hard, but this us a gift. You know what you need to do, you can't bring your daughter up around a relapsing alcoholic, he's given you the choice and there is only one option. The people who were there when you needed them, and will be again.

Your partner is an alcoholic and he is being massively unreasonable by asking you to choose between him and your family, so in your circumstances I would choose your family, without question.

He needs to recognise that he is an alcoholic and get help. If you are going to be part of his support system (which I don't think you are under any obligation to do), you also need your own support system which includes your family.

He is asking you and your daughter to stay with him and cut off your family who are worried about you both and have your best interests at heart.

Don't do it. Put yourself and your daughter first.

So he relapsed just 6 weeks ago? I dint blame your mum or grandad, I wouldn't leave a 10 week old with an alcoholic either.

Choose your daughter. Don’t subject her to life with an alcoholic father.

Choose your daughter. Not the alcoholic.

You're being unreasonable leaving her with a alcoholic who relapsed recently I don't blame your family for being concerned. Even social services would be concerned.

How long has it been since he relapsed? Hiw often does he relapse? Would he have have abel to take care of your daughter with his knee injury? How do you feel about your mum and how she treats your partner?

If someone asks me to choose between them and someone else - I would choose the someone else every time.

Someone who loves you and cares about your best interests would never make you choose.

There are many options in this scenario - he could just not have a relationship with them. Yet he wants you to stop having a relationship with them too - not a good sign.

Please please don’t let your daughter grow up with an alcoholic in the house.

Given that he's a relapsing alcoholic with a baby daughter whom he can't be trusted around, it sounds very like he's trying to isolate you from your family support network so you are stuck with him.

Say no.

He's not a recovering alcoholic, just an alcoholic. Wave goodbye and make a better life for your daughter.

Your partner needs to recognise that people will continue to see him as an alcoholic until he has proven otherwise for a long time. If he can't do that then I would leave him, that's a horrible thing for him to do to you while you are unwell.

Hang on, is he currently drinking? Because I think it's a bit harsh for all the answers to be leave him because he's an alcoholic. How old is your dd now? If he relapsed recently then yes, I agree, you need to leave him. But if the last time was 4 years ago and he's worked really hard on his recovery, then that's different.

Having said that, besides the drinking, what else doesn't your family like about him? Because you haven't said if he's also a cocklodger, emotionally abusive, lazy, manipulative or all of the above?

When he asked what?

Your partner is an alcoholic and I don’t think there’s anything wrong in you trying to support him, IF he is trying to get better. But he has no right to ask you not to see your family, that’s so so selfish of him. Tell him no. What he does with that is up to him.

How long ago was the relapse?

Asking you to choose is ridiculous and controlling. However, adking that you arrange your meetings so ut minimises contact between them seems wise,and probably welcome from both sides.

You choose your family. They're protecting your daughter. There's no way on earth that I'd have left her with him either.

My first husband gave me the same ultimatum. I left, although not right away and there were no kids involved, so not the same. However the sense of relief was immense.

Please protect your daughter from an alcoholic.

Your daughter is 9 weeks old

So he last had his binge 5 weeks ago

I would be very very cautious leaving such a young baby with him AND fact he’s had major knee surgery

Although your parents sound pretty awful too

Well one half of the family are capable of reliably looking after your child, supporting you, making your and your childs life eaiser and not making you choose.

One isnt.

I'd be telling him your family have been beyond supportive and making a sound judgement based on the facts. If he doesnt like it he can jog on.