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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told to choose between partner and my family

63 replies

StephMum92 · 19/04/2022 09:16

Quite a long one so I'm sorry I'm advance. My partner and my mum haven't got along for most of our relationship. He's a recovering alcoholic and does relapse from time to time, the last one being when our little girl was only 4 weeks old. Anyway last night I had a seizure and had to go to hospital. My mum and grandad came down and wouldn't leave our daughter with my partner (he's just had major knee surgery) but when he asked they were just shouting because he's a piss head. My partner has now asked me to choose either him or my family. AIBU to not choose any? He said it's for his mental health but it doesn't seem anyones bothered about mine

OP posts:
Celendine · 19/04/2022 10:22

Any man who told me to chose him or my family would be an ex rapidly. He's let his kid down and he's lucky she has extended family to plug the gap whilst he finds himself and grows up

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/04/2022 10:42

Anyway last night I had a seizure and had to go to hospital. My mum and grandad came down and wouldn't leave our daughter with my partner

Very wise of them

I can't agree with shouting - a calm "No, that's not acceptable" would have done - but they're probably desperately worried about the risk to you all, especially if you're choosing to leave DD with him yourself

MargaretFromAccts · 19/04/2022 10:43

Comments are quite harsh here, no alcoholic is ever truly recovered. For the majority it's a daily battle and something that never quietens in the mind. Relapses do happen and its how you as a unit choose to handle it. Don't feel pressured either way to stay in an unhappy relationship but the realities of living with someone with this addiction can be hard. It's about you and your daughter above all else.

Dynamicsloth · 19/04/2022 10:44

It doesn’t sound like he is recovering if he relapses regularly. Until he is sober long term his primary relationship will be with alcohol, not you and not your daughter.

He doesn’t have to see your family but he cannot control who you or your daughter have a relationship with.

He is not fit to look after your daughter if he relapses regularly. I say this as the daughter of an alcoholic. Personally I would be making plans to leave.

Synchrony · 19/04/2022 10:45

My now ex was told by ex-Mil to choose her or me.

Based on that experience I think in most cases you should choose the person who is not making you make such a horrible choice. Barring abuse or something, it's not a reasonable position to put anyone in. So I'd choose family. I wouldn't leave a relapsing alcoholic with a baby either.

Having said that, I feel sorry for him if he's really making every effort to change.

TonTonMacoute · 19/04/2022 10:47

@PutinIsAWarCriminal

You choose your family. If any man askes you to choose between him and the people trying to protect you and your dd, you choose the later.
This! The fact that he has asked you to choose is a massive red flag I'm afraid.
billy1966 · 19/04/2022 10:50

Choose your daughter.

She deserves better than an alcoholic father.

Chely · 19/04/2022 10:51

I wouldn't cut ties with family for a recovering alcoholic. If you want to stay with him you need to have words with your family, even if they have concerns they need to be more tactful for your sake.

Pompom2367 · 19/04/2022 10:57

Op they were protecting your daughter by staying with her when they weren't confident your dp could stay sober

AngryAtAssholes · 19/04/2022 11:12

You’re correct in saying your partner doesn’t care about your mental health. Or your daughter’s safety.
Telling you to choose between him, a regular relapser with hurt feelings, or them, concerned for your daughter’s safety, is a very clear indicator of what he prioritises. Himself.

Your mother and grandfather could have stated their case more calmly but I would wonder why they had such a reaction - he is clearly not to be trusted.

AngelaRayner4PM · 19/04/2022 11:14

If somebody asks you to cut somebody else off, you cut them off.

Terven · 19/04/2022 11:16

It’s not about you or your partner. It’s about your daughter, she comes first, neither of you two do.

CareBearsCare · 19/04/2022 11:17

You need to pick what's best for your dd and that's not cutting off your family.

CheshireCats · 19/04/2022 11:18

Choose your daughter- not growing up with an alcoholic.

AngelaRayner4PM · 19/04/2022 11:20

If your husband is capable of looking after your daughter on his own then why did your mum and grandad come in the first place? It sounds like he not really fulfilling his role as a partner and father if you felt like your mum and grandad needed to travel from out of area to help out because you were in hospital. He should have been the one stepping up.

oliviastwisted · 19/04/2022 11:24

Because he continues to choose alcohol over you and your DD you should choose your family. It is the only wise decision when a man who behaved as your husband does asks you to choose. He is a complete bellend OP. His precious sensitive ego couldn’t cope with other people calling out his really shitty behaviour so instead of facing up to his behaviour, looking out for his wife and DD who badly need family support because of his shitty behaviour, he asks you to choose. Gosh he is awful.

Fulmine · 19/04/2022 11:32

Although your parents sound pretty awful too

Why? All they have done is come to look after their granddaughter in an emergency, and to refuse to leave her in the sole care of an alcoholic recovering from knee surgery who relapsed 5 weeks ago. That sounds the reverse of awful to me. Ideally they shouldn't have shouted, but something tells me that they weren't the only ones shouting and maybe it was the only way to get through to OP's partner.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/04/2022 11:51

Cutting off your family with a young baby and an alcoholic partner would be very unwise. He has forced your hand. Chose your family. Give your daughter a chance to grow up free from the trauma of alcoholism.

recoveringyoungalco · 19/04/2022 12:00

How long ago was his relapse? I don't think it was very fair what your family said to him if he is trying. It is not easy. But he also should never be asking you to make those sorts of choices between him and your family.

Is he getting any help? A huge problem with many alcoholics is they fall into the 'poor me' that is why he isn't seeing that he is not supporting you. He is being self centred. Most alcoholics I know are genuinely good people. Something I have head often is 'we are sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying to become good'. But and a big BUT all the alcoholics I know are in active recovery, slips or not they are seeking help.

Do not cut ties with your family what ever the answers to the above questions are.

pointythings · 19/04/2022 12:34

Your partner shouldn't be in a relationship. He should be focusing on his recovery. You shouldn't be in a relationship with an alcoholic who isn't fully in recovery - he needs to be a year sober at least before even thinking of being in a relationship.

Your family are right and you should be putting them and your DD first.

Herejustforthisone · 19/04/2022 14:16

Choose your tiny daughter and get away from the alcoholic man who last binged 4/5 weeks ago when your daughter was one month old.

One month.

caringcarer · 19/04/2022 14:33

You sound like you can't see the real danger for your dd is in living in a house with an alcoholic. Your parents and family can see it. They were absolutely correct not to hand your dd over to an alcoholic. Wake up and get your dd to safety. Never leave him alone with her, ever.

FOJN · 19/04/2022 14:43

You said your partner had his last relapse when your daughter was 4 weeks old but don't say how long ago that was. I would not indulge an ultimatum from anyone but if your daughter is now 10 years old my attitude would be very different to if she were 10 weeks old.

Whenyougonnalearn · 19/04/2022 14:45

@FOJN

You said your partner had his last relapse when your daughter was 4 weeks old but don't say how long ago that was. I would not indulge an ultimatum from anyone but if your daughter is now 10 years old my attitude would be very different to if she were 10 weeks old.
And thread confirms 5 weeks ago
FOJN · 19/04/2022 14:47

he needs to be a year sober at least before even thinking of being in a relationship.

This is good advice if someone is single at the point they try to get sober but they would also be advised not to make any big changes in early recovery, which would include not ending a long term relationship.

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