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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told to choose between partner and my family

63 replies

StephMum92 · 19/04/2022 09:16

Quite a long one so I'm sorry I'm advance. My partner and my mum haven't got along for most of our relationship. He's a recovering alcoholic and does relapse from time to time, the last one being when our little girl was only 4 weeks old. Anyway last night I had a seizure and had to go to hospital. My mum and grandad came down and wouldn't leave our daughter with my partner (he's just had major knee surgery) but when he asked they were just shouting because he's a piss head. My partner has now asked me to choose either him or my family. AIBU to not choose any? He said it's for his mental health but it doesn't seem anyones bothered about mine

OP posts:
peachgreen · 19/04/2022 14:47

Your partner is not a recovering alcoholic. He is just an alcoholic. Do not cut ties with your family.

FOJN · 19/04/2022 14:55

And thread confirms 5 weeks ago

I can't see a second post or a name change where the OP confirms this. I can see a couple of posters stating the relapse was recent but not where that information came from.

HowIsItMarchAlready · 19/04/2022 14:55

@Missey85

Tell him to choose alcohol or you? Sounds like your parents were right not to leave your daughter with him
agreed
Orangenet · 19/04/2022 15:06

I agree with pp who said you choose the person/people who are not asking you to choose. If my husband wanted nothing to do with my family, fine, but he can’t demand that of me.

Whenyougonnalearn · 19/04/2022 15:08

@FOJN

And thread confirms 5 weeks ago

I can't see a second post or a name change where the OP confirms this. I can see a couple of posters stating the relapse was recent but not where that information came from.

No name change Just search
pointythings · 19/04/2022 15:32

@FOJN

he needs to be a year sober at least before even thinking of being in a relationship.

This is good advice if someone is single at the point they try to get sober but they would also be advised not to make any big changes in early recovery, which would include not ending a long term relationship.

The change is not up to him if he is frequently relapsing and has a newborn. The safety of OP and the baby has to come first, and alcoholics cannot be trusted. With anything.
FOJN · 19/04/2022 15:53

The change is not up to him if he is frequently relapsing and has a newborn.

Of course the OP can end the relationship at any time. I responding to your assertion he shouldn't be in a relationship, no one advising him on recovery would suggest HE end the relationship. They have no say over what the OP does.

Thinkingblonde · 19/04/2022 15:55

Choose your daughter. Not him or your parents.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 15:55

How long ago was his latest relapse and how often does he relapse?
If he's been sober for years then your family were out of order and you need to be talking to them about that but no, don't choose. Tell him you are not choosing and let him decide what to do about that.

Ilady · 19/04/2022 16:23

You think he loves you. Meanwhile you will probably tell your family to get lost because he has told you to do this.
He is annoyed that your family came to mind your daughter but they know he an alcoholic who relapsed a few weeks after you had your baby. She was and is not safe with him.
So what happens if you cut off your family and your left with no support.

What happens when he goes off on his next bender and you have no idea where he is. Wait until he is arrested for drink driving. Wait until he loses his job and sits at home spending his universal credit on drink.
What happens when you can't pay the rent? What happens when he comes home some night drunk and you say something that makes him bet you up in front of your daughter?
You have to realise that he will put his drinking before you and your daughter. He has already gone on a bender since she was born. My advice at this stage is to leave him and move back in with your mother where you and your daughter can have a far better life without him.

IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2022 16:29

Had he had a drink when your family came round?
Why were they yelling at him that he was a piss head if he hadn't been drinking?

LIZS · 19/04/2022 16:36

He's not recovering if he has relapses. You cannot leave your baby in his sole care, your family recognise this as do you if you called them. He is not a partner in your relationship and you are best off away from him . You need to put your dd's needs first. Whether that means moving in with family or throwing him out is down to you.

Lizziekisss · 20/04/2022 07:17

He’s an alcoholic, will always be an alcoholic, he may if really willing be able to control or suppress it, but he will always be an alcoholic. You will always have deal with it, and so will your Dd. Anyone asking you to choose between them and your support network, isn’t the person you should be choosing. You certainly don’t need his drama when you are unwell.

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