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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not call FIL "Dad"

80 replies

HotWashCycle · 18/04/2022 18:42

DP and I recently got married after years together. His elderly DF who is a widower has asked me if I would call him Dad in future, now that we are legally married. My own DF died when I was young, I was close to him, and miss him still, and I don't feel comfortable with calling anyone else Dad, even though FIL is a nice man who has always been kind to me. AIBU if I say I would prefer to go on calling him by his first name. Would appreciate views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 18/04/2022 18:45

It's sweet that your FIL has asked for this IMO but I also believe that his wishes do not trump yours.

Either you or your dh could just gently explain that it would be too hard for you to do this due to your own Dad dying when you were young. Whether he understands or not is immaterial; you should do what makes you feel comfortable Smile.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2022 18:47

I'd struggle with this too. I use their first names but my MIL knows she feels like a second mother to me. I'd never call her Mam though.

Dinoteeth · 18/04/2022 18:48

YANBU.
My ILs asked the same question - Eh no.
I can't remember my response but it was similar to your I have a mum and dad thanks.

Cocomalocoo · 18/04/2022 18:48

I lost my dad also, and can't and won't call someone else dad.

bellac11 · 18/04/2022 18:50

No its not unreasonable of you.

Hopefully your husband will back you up.

Trulyweird1 · 18/04/2022 18:52

My FIL suggested this too, and I was a bit 😏. My dad was still with us but if felt wrong.
So I compromised and called him Pop.
MIL requested I called her by her first name, and that was fine with me.

MossyBottom · 18/04/2022 18:56

It used to be traditional to call your in laws mum and dad. My parents both called each others parents mum and dad. But they got married in the 1950s, and I think the tradition has died out. I never called MIL mum, though I certainly would have if she'd invited it.

I think your FIL is just of that generation, perhaps explain gently why you'd rather not.

Velvetbee · 18/04/2022 18:56

Soon after my dad died, I picked up the phone to father in law who said, ‘Hello, it’s dad.’ My horrified gasp meant he never did it again.

His other daughter in law calls him dad so I think he was being forgetful rather than presumptuous, at least I hope so.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 19:06

That would be a firm, yet polite, NO. I have a mother and a father, thank you very much, and I would never call my in-laws mum or dad. Ick. The thought of it makes me uncomfortable, honestly. I also would never want my children's spouses to call me Mum.

Theonewiththecandles · 18/04/2022 19:07

I feel the same. My MIL calls her FIL (my husband's grandad) dad but I could never call her mum or FIL dad.
I have a mum who I love very very much and my dad died when I was still single digits in age so would say no if either of them asked. I am used to them writing "mum and dad (shortened version of surname)" which is absolutely fine by me but I wouldn't call them mum and dad if I was actually talking to them. YANBU.

SnowRoses · 18/04/2022 19:10

Can you husband explain to his dad why you dont want to call him dad

My partners mum (who was house bound) always said i ‘was like a daughter’ to her and asked my partner to get a ‘daughter’ birthday card from her to me

Luckily my partner said it wasnt a good idea, and got a DIL card instead

I think it can be a very emotional topic, especially if a parent has died

oliviastwisted · 18/04/2022 19:11

Could you say something like

“Aw thanks FIL it is sweet you view me in that and I am equally as fond as you but I have a father and he will be the only Dad ever in my life but I love that you think of me in that way”

purpleme12 · 18/04/2022 19:12

Nooooo I couldn't call anyone dad but my dad

Mamabananananana · 18/04/2022 19:12

@Trulyweird1 was also going to suggest Pops or similar

AntarcticTern · 18/04/2022 19:14

My MIL and FIL would like me to call them mum and dad. It's what they both called their own in laws so it's normal to them. I can't do it though - I have a mum and dad already. I just call them by their first names. I'm sorry if this upsets them (I think it does a bit), but not sorry enough to do it. It would feel so weird to me.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 18/04/2022 19:15

My FIL signs cards to me alone from 'Dad'. I have never called him Dad and I have a Dad of my own. He never asked if he could and it's rude.

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 19:15

Aw :( these poor paternal chaps.

I would call him Dad on and off. Just sign off with it casually every now and then his first name the rest of the time. So when you've been to see him or something and are giving him a hug goodbye or sumat (presuming you like him enough for that). I call my MIL Mam occasionally but only when I'm feeling very affectionate...don't even know how she feels about it, she might not even like it!! ;D

netofmums · 18/04/2022 19:17

Never in a million years for me. My dad is "dad" and I wouldn't call someone else this, no matter how close we were or how nice/insistent/expectant of it they were.

purpleme12 · 18/04/2022 19:21

@netofmums

Never in a million years for me. My dad is "dad" and I wouldn't call someone else this, no matter how close we were or how nice/insistent/expectant of it they were.
Exactly
ComtesseDeSpair · 18/04/2022 19:23

I think in your situation, and as you’ve said he’s kind, and is presumably asking rather than demanding, he’d understand if you say that it would be too painful considering your own dad is dead and it would feel like erasing him.

Moochio · 18/04/2022 19:23

Bit odd him asking tbh.

MayMorris · 18/04/2022 19:24

I find it strange…my SIL calls my dad “dad”. Didn’t bother me decades ago, but after my mum died 29 years ago my dad basically rejected me (long story) and forbade m3 to talk to him ever again. . It has caused me mental health problems and completely screwed me. I find it extremely painful listening to my SIL talk about what “dad” is up to. She is genuinely believing, bless her, that she is doing the right thing by filling me in on news on his health etc. genuinely she doesn’t have a bad bone in her body..just hopelessly naïve and eternally optimistic. I don’t have courage to just tell her to stop calling him dad in front of me as it is just reminding me she is more acceptable as a daughter to him than me as his own offspring.
So, no I don’t think you should call him dad. But as other posters have said, explain why gently. Thank him. And maybe suggest you could decide a suitable title you could call him instead like pop, papa or some such

WestendVBroadway · 18/04/2022 19:33

@MossyBottom

It used to be traditional to call your in laws mum and dad. My parents both called each others parents mum and dad. But they got married in the 1950s, and I think the tradition has died out. I never called MIL mum, though I certainly would have if she'd invited it.

I think your FIL is just of that generation, perhaps explain gently why you'd rather not.

My parents both called their MILs Mum (both my Grandads died when I was very young, so don't know what they were known as) My DH called my parents by their first names. However slightly off topic, my Great Aunt and Uncle called each Mummy and Daddy.🙄
Heyisforhorses · 18/04/2022 19:36

YANBU I would find that very odd to br asked, they aren't my parent, they're my partners parent. I really wouldn't want to be out as a couple and both of us calling his parents mam/dad!

FabFitFifties · 18/04/2022 19:37

You'll get very mixed relies OP. In my area, it's not the norm at all. I couldn't possibly. I'd find it toe curling actually 😂

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