AIBU to not call FIL "Dad"

[HotWashCycle]

DP and I recently got married after years together. His elderly DF who is a widower has asked me if I would call him Dad in future, now that we are legally married. My own DF died when I was young, I was close to him, and miss him still, and I don't feel comfortable with calling anyone else Dad, even though FIL is a nice man who has always been kind to me. AIBU if I say I would prefer to go on calling him by his first name. Would appreciate views on this. Thanks.

Wow this must be cultural because I've never heard of this and I think it would be super weird! My ILs are from Yorkshire and I'm from outside the UK originally. Never ever come across this and I'd think it very strange! I'd just say "But I'm not your daughter"...!

If you're not comfortable with it, don't do it.

My dh called mine dad for a bit after we got married but to wind him up, pretty standard behaviour in our family though.

I have never even bought my actual dad a card!! And fil dumped us along with mil!
A kind well meant gesture but no harm dh explaining no thanks..

As other posters have suggested, could you call him ‘pop’? Or something similar?

I get to choose between "mum and dad" or "mr and Mrs X" for my in-laws... they would probably die of shock if I used their first names, and they're not so terrible that I want them dead.

Instead, I avoided addressing them directly until I'd had kids, now I just call them Gran and Grandad, regardless of whether the kids are with me or not

But I grant you, kids are a big commitment for the sake of avoiding name conflict...(!)

this was definitely the norm in my family of origin (WC, home counties, parents married in the 1950s) but I really could never countenance doing this myself- and if your own (real) parent has died it seems incredibly insensitive to ask this. Wierdly my SIL calls my DM 'mum' and I find it very annoying and intrusive.

@Mummy1608

Wow this must be cultural because I've never heard of this and I think it would be super weird! My ILs are from Yorkshire and I'm from outside the UK originally. Never ever come across this and I'd think it very strange! I'd just say "But I'm not your daughter"...!

It's old fashioned as much as it is cultural I think. My grandparents would have liked my mum to, but she didn't want to. But for me, it's a really dated thing now, none of my friends do this.

My dad and uncle always called my grandfather (their FIL) dad/pa, but that has not carried on down to us. DH and I call each other’s parents by their first names. I was never invited to call PIL mum/dad but I would have politely declined. It’s a tradition that has rightly died out as far as I’m concerned.

My FIL was absolutely livid that I refused to call him dad.

He’s an arsehole.

Not a chance. 😳

My daughter-out-law (She and son aren't married) has come up with her own name for me. Maybe you can come up with a 'pet' name which makes for a special relationship between you and father in law.

I dont know if its cultural, area by area or possibly a class thing 🤔.
But I nearly fell over when the ILs asked, and bumbled my way through my response. My SIL had the same reaction a couple of years later.

My Dad called my other GPs by their first names and my Mum went down the Gran / Granda route with her ILs.

Truthfully I tend to avoid calling them anything with is remarkably easy.

I’m sorry to hear about your dad x

It is okay to feel uncomfortable and tell someone that this isn’t what you feel ready to do or might ever feel ready to do.
I think if you explain it will be easily understood.
If it isn’t taken well, maintain your boundary and move past it.
I was lucky with my FIL but I too could never have called him dad ( that had horrible connotations for me ) so eventually we found a lovely nickname

My mum called her in-laws mum and dad. Think it was more the norm back in the 70s. Although my sister in law calls my parent mum and dad so maybe also an American norm still.
I couldn't call my in-laws mum and dad. I have parents and those titles are theirs alone.

My dad died when I was young and I could never call my FIL dad either, couldn't even write dad in a card.

My dad died when I was a teen and I'd never call anyone else dad, although my mums still alive and I wouldn't call anyone else mum either. Seems weird to me

Only person I've ever known do it is my aunt who called my gps mum and dad

Thank you so much for all your replies and for your understanding. It is good to know that I am not BU. I am so sorry to those who also lost their DF when young, its a tough one, not just at the time but later.
I think I will tell FIL that I'd prefer to go on calling him his first name because of my own Dad, but will offer to find another nickname if he prefers that. I thought his request was personal but some of the replies suggest it could be cultural. He started life as WC London, and married at a time when it seems it was quite usual to call your in-laws Mum and Dad. He is a sweet guy who has had a difficult time for several years, so it needs handling with love and tact. Thanks Mumsnetters.

Tbh I wouldn't even bring the subject up again.
I think it might be a middle class thing but it's definitely not for me.

I absolutely adored my MIL, but never called her mum.

I think that having lost your dad, you have the perfect reason to say no in a kind way. Anyone who gives it any thought at all should be able to understand how painful it would be to call someone else by his name.
I think it would be considerate for your dh to have the conversation with him though.

My late mil did this. Used to send me cards signed mum which I didn't like tbh. And when my mum sent me a card signed mum with where she lived in brackets I was very annoyed as my mum shouldn't have had to do that to differentiate between her and mil.

The calling each other mum or dad happens in DH family and it's really weird. I think primarily it was to stop the kids calling them by their first names but their kids are now grown up and left home. They still do it and it's a bit strange sitting with your inlaws (Dh sibling and spouse) and hear them call each other mum and dad instead of their names and no one else is present

I’m quite surprised by the responses here.

Of course, no one should be calling their ILs Mum and Dad if it makes them uncomfortable, but I’m quite surprised to see this is seen as outdated or cringey.

I usually call my ILs Mum and Dad when I’m in their company, but when referring to them in their absence, would say their names, or ‘my ILs’. If talking to OH about them, I refer to ‘your mum and dad’.

They never asked me to call them Mum and Dad, it sort of evolved naturally. I often call my FIL Pops instead of Dad actually. I sort of think of those words as their names, rather than being how they are related to me. I’m not sure that will make sense to anyone else but it makes some sort of sense in my head!

I don’t have my own parents any more. My ILs are really nice people and I love them but they aren’t, and will never be, my mum and dad. It’s just something I’ve ended up saying, without really thinking too much about it.

The one thing though that really hurt me and which still stings when I think about it is when FIL said to me, after my Mum and Dad had died: ‘We can be your Mum & Dad now’, almost as if I was supposed to feel somehow honoured about that. Obviously, it was an awful and stupid thing to say, but my FIL has form for being a bit of an insensitive dick at times.

Sweet but no.
The only time it's ok is when FIL and MIL send a card or present to DH and i together, then obviously they sign it Mum and Dad

There's no way I could do that so it would be a polite and friendly 'ah how sweet, but if you don't mind i'll just keep calling you by your name'.

Would just blur the line for me in way that's a bit icky. He's my husband's dad not mine. I don't have sex with men who call the same man 'dad' as I do. (my brothers)

I wouldn't do it. My mother calls her MIL (my paternal grandmother) 'mum' and it always sounds strange to me, almost kind of 'disloyal' to her own mother.