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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not call FIL "Dad"

80 replies

HotWashCycle · 18/04/2022 18:42

DP and I recently got married after years together. His elderly DF who is a widower has asked me if I would call him Dad in future, now that we are legally married. My own DF died when I was young, I was close to him, and miss him still, and I don't feel comfortable with calling anyone else Dad, even though FIL is a nice man who has always been kind to me. AIBU if I say I would prefer to go on calling him by his first name. Would appreciate views on this. Thanks.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 20/04/2022 18:03

Some people do this, but it’s not natural for everyone.

you aren’t comfortable with the name, so it’s a non-starter. Since you are fond of your FIL, I would just be honest with him and tell him that using the same name as your own father is just too complicated for you. If your willing, could you suggest a friendly nickname as an alternative? Maybe he could be “Pop”?

LizzieW1969 · 20/04/2022 19:11

I think this dates back to a time when it wasn’t the done thing for a child to call any adult by their first name. When I was a child, friends of my parents were referred to as ‘Auntie’ or ‘Uncle’ despite them obviously not being related to us.

Other adults were Mr/Mrs/Miss Surname. (‘Ms’ wasn’t really used then.)

My DM calmed my DGM (her MIL) ‘Mother’ (she was Czech).

My MIL apparently called both her parents and PILs ‘Mum and Dad’. It can be confusing as to who she’s talking about when telling a story from the past. (They died long ago now.)

Conversely, my FIL called her parents by their first names, so it was by no means universal even then.

My MIL was very put out when I refused to call her ‘Mum’ and used her first name, but I stuck to my guns and she accepted it.

if you’re uncomfortable with calling your FIL ‘Dad’ just say so, explaining about how sad it makes you about your Dad. If he’s as nice as you say he is, he will accept it.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 20/04/2022 19:21

When I was a child, friends of my parents were referred to as ‘Auntie’ or ‘Uncle’ despite them obviously not being related to us.

Me too, it was very confusing.

It is still common in some cultures to refer to an adult as Aunty or Uncle.

It creates an element of trust towards an adult who isn't a relation, not that "real Uncle" makes him automatically trustworthy.

I'm happy we've left it in the past.

Libertaire · 20/04/2022 19:25

YANBU. I never call FIL ‘Dad’, nor do I ever call my mum’s current husband ‘Dad’. It has always been ‘Dave’ & ‘Tom’ and it always will be.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/04/2022 08:00

While your FiL might want you to call him "Dad", if you follow the train of thought by doing this, then the man that you married would either be your half/step or actual brother. That is just creepy and so wrong.
That's a get out of jail free card if ever I saw one.

Didiplanthis · 21/04/2022 08:22

Shortly after my mum died my MIL said 'you can call me mum now you haven't got a mum any more'.... wtaf ?????? I haven't....

Didiplanthis · 21/04/2022 08:23

Also she didn't mean it in a kind caring way... it was in a you can look after ME now kind of way...

nearlyspringyay · 21/04/2022 08:24

Urgh no from me. My mil called fil's parents mum and dad, it made me cringe every time she said it. Fil didn't call her mum mum. Odd.

Original poster
HotWashCycle · 22/04/2022 17:20

Didiplantthis
That is awful. How insensitive, almost brutal. I wonder what she was thinking of if she wanted a relationship with you. Can't imagine how you can handle that or get over it with her. Am sorry you lost your DM. Its like nothing else.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 22/04/2022 17:28

Bit odd him asking tbh

I don't think it's necessarily odd for that generation. Possibly partly a regional/class thing, I don't know, but my parents both called each other's parents Mum and Dad and a lot of their friends did the same with their in-laws. So I think that, not long ago, it wasn't particularly unusual.

So I don't think it was unreasonable or odd that he asked - but I also don't think it's unreasonable of the OP to feel it's not right for her. I love my MIL dearly and certainly think of her like a second mum, but I wouldn't actually call her Mum.

AffIt · 22/04/2022 17:30

No.

My FiL is a very nice man and we get along very well, but my father died when I was 18 and is n

MayBeee · 22/04/2022 17:33

I've had ils for 20 years and never called them mum or dad. Because they are not.

Welshmaenad · 22/04/2022 17:35

Both my parents are dead, but I'm very close to and fond of my partners parents. I call them Ma snd Pa, that works for us.

TruJay · 22/04/2022 18:04

I don’t even call my own dad ‘dad’ (never involved) so it’s a no from me. Fine if you were both happy with that but YANBU to not want to and fil would be unreasonable to take offence at you telling him so.

Murdoch1949 · 24/04/2022 02:25

My god I would not be able to physically get the word out. My dad was my dad, not my husband's dad.

TheOriginalEmu · 24/04/2022 02:27

YANBU. I find the idea quite weird and I couldn’t do it.

LoveAllCakes · 24/04/2022 06:54

Nope, couldn’t do it.
Conversely, my DH and BIL had a great relationship with my FIL but they primarily used his forename which I always found odd.

SlatsandFlaps · 24/04/2022 12:27

Holly60 · 18/04/2022 19:43

As other posters have suggested, could you call him ‘pop’? Or something similar?

Or snap? Crackle perhaps!?!

SlatsandFlaps · 24/04/2022 12:32

Eugh! This has always come across as extremely perverted and sinister to me. It's role-playing that your DH and you are bro & sis who got married 🤢🤢🤢

Regardless, my DF died 12 years ago and if I had a FIL who requested this I'd lose my shit. I wouldn't ever be able to speak to him again. Probably a massive overreaction but I know that's how I'd feel 🤷🏼‍♀️ The level of insensitivity & disrespect just crosses that particular line for me

SlatsandFlaps · 24/04/2022 12:35

HotWashCycle · 22/04/2022 17:20

Didiplantthis
That is awful. How insensitive, almost brutal. I wonder what she was thinking of if she wanted a relationship with you. Can't imagine how you can handle that or get over it with her. Am sorry you lost your DM. Its like nothing else.

May I ask, how did you initially respond? What did you say?

Marvellousmadness · 24/04/2022 13:41

I get it
But you could also try to embrace it. Having s second shot at having a fatherly figure. Just dont use the name dad (as you already have/had one)
Maybe go for pa? Or papa? Or whatever nickname one can use for a dad.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 24/04/2022 13:43

I would be icked out by both my husband and I referring to the same man as dad. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

Yuck.

JFDIYOLO · 13/11/2022 16:44

If that was me - no. The word Dad is already taken and even though he's no longer with us I would not want to use it for someone else. Maybe a different word? The various grandmothers and great grandmothers in our family have settled on Nanny, Nanna, Granny, Grandma. The term is part of who they are/were.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/11/2022 15:36

@JFDIYOLO - can I ask you if you found this thread because of the "You might also like" box that appears at the bottom of some threads? I'm only asking because the previous post to yours was dated April 2022.

daisy46 · 16/11/2022 15:59

ZOMBIE

Great point @LookItsMeAgain I wonder if that feature is partly to blame for the increase in old posts popping back up