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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long Car journey from hell tomorrow tips?

104 replies

MustSurviveThis · 18/04/2022 16:13

Will preface this with my brothers autistic and I love him dearly, but his quirks can be inconvenient.

Tomorrow we have somewhere we need to be together, we can’t get out of it. I drive, brother doesn’t so he’ll be coming in my car.

He will have all 4 windows open for the whole hour journey. He can’t cope with just air con, or only 1 window it has to be all 4. Last time I almost froze to death (even in the middle of the summer as it’s a motorway drive so fast road), so will be layering up, any tips on what to wear?

Also how to get over his innate chatter about his current obsession? I make the usual “Sounds great” “Yes” noises but then he asks me questions and expects me to know the answer so I have to listen to it all in great detail, it’s not something I can just google the answers to as it’s a very niche interest. So tips on making sure I extract the most useful information so I can answer his questions?

And no telling me not to take him in my car, I have to, like I said it’s something I can’t get out of.

So AIBU to ask for your tips to survive the 2 hour round trip please?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 18/04/2022 19:59

It’s not necessarily the cold, it will be the noise and buffeting with all the windows open. When driving on a motorway you should be driving at a reasonable speed, you can be dangerous if driving too slowly

londonmummy1966 · 18/04/2022 20:07

@GandTfortea

I’m so sick of the autism bashing threads on here Oh how difficult we are to live with ….poor relatives having to put up with us for a couple of hours on a journey. You know what op Get yerself over to autism speaks group You will fit right in
Actually this is probably the most offensive post on this thread. The OP is trying to do something to help her brother and family. Her brother's needs, which she is intending to meet, fill her with dread. She is perfectly entitled to her own feelings - the fact that her brother is autistic does not invalidate them. Given the demands her brother's condition are making on her (and her child) it seems to me to be eminently sensible to come to a forum where people may have encountered similar situations and ask for advice.
Nanny0gg · 18/04/2022 20:11

@MustSurviveThis

We have to go, I cannot get out of it. I go by myself or just with DC once or twice a month but DB only comes a few times a year - think like a family member whose elderly and can't travel to us but we also do something else while in the area.

Brother hates the car, if I told him I wasn't taking him he'd just laugh and say "Thanks I hate the car anyway" but then I'll upset other members of my family so I kind of have to take him. It's literally the only time he goes in a car, he also hates buses, trains and aeroplanes so never goes anywhere, at all unless he can walk to it and he doesn't even do that often.

What would happen if you didn't do it 'his' way?
godmum56 · 18/04/2022 20:13

[quote lameasahorse]@Joystir59 why? And you do not have to drive at 70.[/quote]
OP has said she goes as fast as possible to help her brother as he hates the journey so much.

Riverlee · 18/04/2022 20:17

Can you get him an ‘I spy’ motorways book to spot things?

Mumteedum · 18/04/2022 20:18

@Riverlee

Can you get him an ‘I spy’ motorways book to spot things?
He's not a child! He's an adult!
Riverlee · 18/04/2022 20:18

Or make a list such as this?
list

AllOfUsAreDead · 18/04/2022 20:19

Don't take him. The other family members if they are that bothered can go and pick him up. They don't have to put up with all windows open if you do it all the time.

I would not be driving with all windows fully down on a motorway or fast road. Stuff could come flying through the window and hit you or your child.

bellac11 · 18/04/2022 20:25

It wouldnt matter even if OP drove at 50, the noise and disruption from having the windows open is immense.

I once had my car broken into and the window was smashed on one side and I had to drive home across dual carriage ways, very noisy, very cold (it rained at some points, whole back seat got drenched) and buffeted the car around.

I struggle with air and windows in a car, we cant go fast due to my dizziness but equally I get very hot in the car and feel odd, so need fresh air but the air con affects my breathing. The whole journey is punctuated by me putting the air con on, then off, then on then off, then opening a window if we're stuck in traffic or idling along. I drive myself mad, I couldnt cope with someone like me next to me!!

2Hot2Handle · 18/04/2022 20:27

Audio books that you could all listen to? Something you could stream via your phone. Layer up and bring heat packs for your lap.

tillyandmilly · 18/04/2022 20:30

I have my window open always in the car - on motorways as well - I hate air conditioning and get headaches if the car is stuffy ! My husband doesn’t care and just switches the car radio on max otherwise he can’t hear it!

Overthebow · 18/04/2022 20:31

@GandTfortea

I’m so sick of the autism bashing threads on here Oh how difficult we are to live with ….poor relatives having to put up with us for a couple of hours on a journey. You know what op Get yerself over to autism speaks group You will fit right in
Well having to drive with all windows open on the motorway is difficult to live with, autism or no autism. It’s not an autism bashing thread, it’s the truth.
maddiemookins16mum · 18/04/2022 20:35

So would all four windows be open if it was heavy rain?

SelfishLove · 18/04/2022 20:46

@BonnyandPoppy

I’d wear a woolly hat to keep the wind out of my ears and a thick fleece jumper!
'Sorry, I can't hear you speak over the wind and the hat I'm wearing. We can chat when we are stopped'
SelfishLove · 18/04/2022 20:48

For what it's worth op you sound like a lovely sibling. Hope the journey passes quickly and you both have a good time

Herejustforthisone · 18/04/2022 20:57

I don’t agree @GandTfortea. I think your post is short sighted. You’re trying to silence someone who is talking about their brother with autism exactly as they would if their brother didn’t have autism.

I have a profoundly physically disabled sibling and I speak about them exactly as I do my two able bodied siblings. I treat them exactly the same.

I fear your attitude does nothing but ‘other’ people with disabilities as people will become too fearful to talk openly about it, the struggles, the irritation and the humour of it, for fear of offending someone. That leads to them being excluded, rather than included, which I presume is he opposite of what you’d like.

6demandingchildren · 18/04/2022 21:06

My son is the opposite, all windows have to be closed and he puts a blanket over his head, it's fine in the winter months, I can't offer any help with your dilemma as I have no ideas as no 2 autistic people are the same.

BadNomad · 18/04/2022 21:41

I'm with @GandTfortea

People with ASD/ND are forced to live in a NT world. But when NT people are asked to accommodate their needs for one day, people say shit like "don't take him", "don't put up with it", "don't pander to him", "he needs to learn to fit in with us". As if he has chosen to be different and is wilfully selfish. It's sad to read.

lamujerenfadada · 18/04/2022 23:05

@Herejustforthisone

I don’t agree *@GandTfortea*. I think your post is short sighted. You’re trying to silence someone who is talking about their brother with autism exactly as they would if their brother didn’t have autism.

I have a profoundly physically disabled sibling and I speak about them exactly as I do my two able bodied siblings. I treat them exactly the same.

I fear your attitude does nothing but ‘other’ people with disabilities as people will become too fearful to talk openly about it, the struggles, the irritation and the humour of it, for fear of offending someone. That leads to them being excluded, rather than included, which I presume is he opposite of what you’d like.

I agree. I have several very disabled family members whose disabilities affect my life. It is absolutely ok that we discuss them just as we would any other person close to us.

OP I’m struggling with any advice for you I’m afraid. If the windows are non-negotiable for your brother, it might just be a grit your teeth and be glad it’s just an hours drive not two.

My DD is autistic. Our family revolves around her routine. She needs the routine to stay calm and happy. There are things in her routine that are absolutely non-negotiable and some where we might get away with some slight alterations. It’s not easy living with it but the alternative is much, much worse for all of us. Good luck OP. I hope the weather is good for you.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 18/04/2022 23:10

My sons autistic and there’s no way I’d let
Him dominate like this, sorry! Listening to the obsessions (we call them passions so he doesn’t feel bad) is a job in itself. Current faves include latitude and longitude and motorways. And politics.

I’d make him within the back and let
Him have the windows open. Then you can’t hear him and you and kids in front won’t freeze.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 18/04/2022 23:10

Motorway speeds with all four windows down. I'd tell him to get the train

Mumteedum · 19/04/2022 20:53

How did it go @MustSurviveThis?

sophienelisse · 19/04/2022 21:03

Also came on to see how it went.

Original poster
MustSurviveThis · 19/04/2022 22:01

It went surprisingly ok.

I managed to come to a compromise with my brother that DCs window stayed closed (they were behind me), I'd have my window a bit open and he could then have both windows his side open. Made it much more bearable. And I told him he owed me a mcdonalds on the way home jokingly but he took me literally and bought me one!

I kept him talking by asking him to explain bits of his obsession to me and then saying for the last 10 minutes I want total quiet. It wasn't totally quiet but much more bearable.

And Family Members where thrilled to see him so I've gained myself some brownie points there too.

I think he does enjoy it once we actually get there it's just the car journey he hates.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 19/04/2022 22:17

2 hours that's nothing I did an 8 hour car journey with 3 kids and one of them is autistic. 2 hours would have been a walk in the park.