Long Car journey from hell tomorrow tips?

[MustSurviveThis]

Will preface this with my brothers autistic and I love him dearly, but his quirks can be inconvenient.

Tomorrow we have somewhere we need to be together, we can’t get out of it. I drive, brother doesn’t so he’ll be coming in my car.

He will have all 4 windows open for the whole hour journey. He can’t cope with just air con, or only 1 window it has to be all 4. Last time I almost froze to death (even in the middle of the summer as it’s a motorway drive so fast road), so will be layering up, any tips on what to wear?

Also how to get over his innate chatter about his current obsession? I make the usual “Sounds great” “Yes” noises but then he asks me questions and expects me to know the answer so I have to listen to it all in great detail, it’s not something I can just google the answers to as it’s a very niche interest. So tips on making sure I extract the most useful information so I can answer his questions?

And no telling me not to take him in my car, I have to, like I said it’s something I can’t get out of.

So AIBU to ask for your tips to survive the 2 hour round trip please?

My dd chats about inane rubbish. I tell her I’m concentrating on my driving, so cannot listen to it all.

We have to go, I cannot get out of it. I go by myself or just with DC once or twice a month but DB only comes a few times a year - think like a family member whose elderly and can't travel to us but we also do something else while in the area.

Brother hates the car, if I told him I wasn't taking him he'd just laugh and say "Thanks I hate the car anyway" but then I'll upset other members of my family so I kind of have to take him. It's literally the only time he goes in a car, he also hates buses, trains and aeroplanes so never goes anywhere, at all unless he can walk to it and he doesn't even do that often.

Could you listen to a podcast about his chosen area of interest?
Poor you. It’s exhausting and actually sometimes feels a bit abusive to have to listen and interact with this stuff, I know x

I know he has autism but there is no way I'd be driving for an hour with all the windows open to placate him.
You sound like a people pleaser, doing things for other people by putting yourself out. On the rare occasion he's got on public transport, does he get to open all the windows?
I'm sorry, I just wouldn't be doing it.

@Duchess379

I know he has autism but there is no way I'd be driving for an hour with all the windows open to placate him. You sound like a people pleaser, doing things for other people by putting yourself out. On the rare occasion he's got on public transport, does he get to open all the windows? I'm sorry, I just wouldn't be doing it.

@Duchess379 He won't get public transport at all, he won't even consider it. If it's public transport or not going he'd rather not go.

If you have wireless headphones could you wear one in your right ear so you can listen to music to distract you. Whack a wooly hat over the top for extra discretion.

What specifically about the windows being open does he like? Is it the feeling of the air on his skin? Or the sound? Or does he feel claustrophobic with the windows open?
Does it make a difference if he’s in the back or the front?

@lamujerenfadada

What specifically about the windows being open does he like? Is it the feeling of the air on his skin? Or the sound? Or does he feel claustrophobic with the windows open? Does it make a difference if he’s in the back or the front?

@Iamnotamermaid He's claustraphobic so feels sick with the windows closed, doesn't matter if he's in the front or back, he still needs all the windows open.

@MustSurviveThis

We have to go, I cannot get out of it. I go by myself or just with DC once or twice a month but DB only comes a few times a year - think like a family member whose elderly and can't travel to us but we also do something else while in the area.

Brother hates the car, if I told him I wasn't taking him he'd just laugh and say "Thanks I hate the car anyway" but then I'll upset other members of my family so I kind of have to take him. It's literally the only time he goes in a car, he also hates buses, trains and aeroplanes so never goes anywhere, at all unless he can walk to it and he doesn't even do that often.

Could you let the other family members take him if they care so much about him being there? Or they can all come and visit him? Or he can video conference in? It's unfair that it's always falling on you.

Can he have a tablet to watch a film and a fan in his face so you can close the windows and not hear the chatter?

if he will listen to a podcast about his favourite topic, that might help him be less stressed and then make everything easier for you.

make sure you have windproof clothes - a waterproof coat over a jumper is much better insulation in windy conditions than 3 jumpers.

can you talk to him in advance about what things about the journey make him stressed and see if you can reduce those. For example, if he gets the windows half open, then you get to choose music for half the journey?

I have an autistic child so I get where you are coming from.

I would really layer up for you and your DC, give him a blanket to put over his knees aswell. Well charged tablet with headphones and some good snacks for him too.
Ask your brother for some petrol money and explain that the car needs more fuel with windows down. Depends on his level of understanding but my daughter would be ok with that.

Podcast on his chosen subject to listen to.
Does he have fidget toys, chewelery etc? Encourage him to use them.

Encourage him to tell you about his interest and ask him questions to keep him talking rather than letting him ask you.

Make sure you have some sort of reward for yourself to look forward to when it's over. Chocolate, wine, whatever floats your boat. You will have earned it!

I'm worried about you driving on the motorway with all the windows open. I make my kids shut them on fast roads as I've had too many broken windscreens from stones flying up by faster cars.

Would your brother be occupied by a sort of drive by scavenger hunt type challenge, find the number plates of 5 red cars, names of 5 junctions, how many different makes of caravan can you spot?

@Grumpyoctopus

I have an autistic child so I get where you are coming from.

I would really layer up for you and your DC, give him a blanket to put over his knees aswell. Well charged tablet with headphones and some good snacks for him too.
Ask your brother for some petrol money and explain that the car needs more fuel with windows down. Depends on his level of understanding but my daughter would be ok with that.

Podcast on his chosen subject to listen to.
Does he have fidget toys, chewelery etc? Encourage him to use them.

Encourage him to tell you about his interest and ask him questions to keep him talking rather than letting him ask you.

Make sure you have some sort of reward for yourself to look forward to when it's over. Chocolate, wine, whatever floats your boat. You will have earned it!

@Grumpyoctopus Thank you all helpful, yes he has fidget toys, I will remind him to pack them

could he sit in the back with your ds next to you? & the window at the front doesn't open unfortunately (ahem) or only a small crack perhaps?
get db earphones & iplayer or whatever with a film he likes or a quiz or youtube & make plenty of nibbles to keep him occupied
I would factor in plenty of stops find nearest supermarkets with cafes near to motorway - as much for you to warm up & the windows cant be fully open for your own sake

It's an hour each way, so 2 hours round trip but with probably 4-6 hours between each journey.

Not very fair on your DC to have to sit in a freezing cold car with someone who doesn't like them. Is your DB fussed about seeing the person you are visiting?

And having to concentrate on his questions whilst you have wind whistling round you does not sound like safe driving conditions to me

@JohannSebastianBach

Can't you talk to him and explain that driving needs a lot of concentration so you would appreciate him keeping the chat to a minimum? Suggest he listens to a podcast while you drive?

This. I get that’s he’s autistic and has valid, different needs, but it doesn’t mean no one else gets any say about theirs. You’re going to open the windows, but you can’t cope with the obsession as well and drive safely. That’s fair enough. You’re the driver. If he can’t manage with this, it isn’t safe for you to drive without another adult to support him.

When my kiddo had ghastly travel sickness and I had to drive her on 180 mile round trip every other Saturday to see her father, I wrapped us both in blankets and wore hats scarves and gloves, and sheepskin boots. And turned the heating up to full blast. No one could hear themselves think, let alone monologue! It’s too hard for you to hear in the circumstances and it takes too much of your attention away from the road. He wears headphones and arranges a phone call to someone equally obsessed and interested (or another relative who is not driving helps you out here, in person or by phone) or listens to a podcast or watches a movie or something. It’s still ok to set boundaries with an autistic person, especially when you need to concentrate to keep everyone safe, and balance your DCs needs as well.

What are you gonna do window-wise if is raining?

I would second the suggestion to sit him in the back. You can open the two windows on the left and sit DC on the right and then you and DC are somewhat protected. Headphones for both of them. You could try an earplug in your left ear only (I do this in loud orchestra concerts if I'm seated in front of the brass - you can still hear fine but it takes the edge off). Honeywell is a good brand.

Alternatively if he won't use headphones, if there's anything he likes to listen to and your car allows you to put the sound to the back left for him, do that. Something in predictable half hour episodes (we've had success with Hut 33, Cabin Pressure, and the Hitchhikers' Guide).

In future I think he should ask his GP if there's a sedative he could take -- people with fear of flying do?

Good luck.

Upset other members of the family, seems the better option. Don't take him.