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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to let DS stay at MILs

71 replies

charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 14:35

partner and i are living with my parents until housing is arranged, due to pandemic, has been difficult. being living with my parents, we get a lot of support, my mum insists she doesn't mind spending one night a week with LO, so i can get a full nights rest. usually she spends the night with him on a saturday to sunday.

my MIL keeps asking when we'll be allowing DS to stay at hers, i keep dodging the question, but i don't want him staying the night. with my mum, he's in the same house as i am, at my MIL he's 25 minutes away, it's not far but it's not home.

AIBU to not let him stay the night?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 14:37

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're the mother, you make the rules. Your MIL doesn't have to like it.

notarevealingname · 18/04/2022 14:40

YANBU how old is baby? Maybe just say he's a bit fussy at night and needs to be in his room but when he's older your sure he will have a sleepover with your MIL. It gets easier as they grow up and you'll enjoy the break too Smile maybe offer for her to have him in the day sometime?

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 14:54

@notarevealingname

YANBU how old is baby? Maybe just say he's a bit fussy at night and needs to be in his room but when he's older your sure he will have a sleepover with your MIL. It gets easier as they grow up and you'll enjoy the break too Smile maybe offer for her to have him in the day sometime?
he's 12 weeks!! and we make sure to see her once a week at the very least, but usually she sees him twice a week. we try to let her see him whenever we can. she's just very persistent on saying "i raised a baby on my own, i can take care of him", and i don't know how to shut down the idea at least for the time being.

i guess i'll just say "when we move out, he won't be sleeping at my mothers either, it's not a case of siding with my family. i'm not comfortable with him not spending the night at home"

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 15:00

Omg, of course you aren't going to ship him off at 12 weeks. Ignore that stupid woman, and never allow yourself to be bullied by her. How many kids she raised is irrelevant. This is your baby, not hers.

Moochio · 18/04/2022 15:01

You should be able to say you aren't ready and that should be enough. This is your child not a doll.

Mindymomo · 18/04/2022 15:06

No way, any routine you’ve gotten baby into will go out of the window. I think it was about 9 months before my baby went to MIL and she looked after him 2 days a week so knew his daytime routine, like you say being in same house is a different situation altogether. Just tell her you would rather wait until he’s older and more settled.

CluelessHamster · 18/04/2022 15:09

Yanbu. He's still so tiny. Him being in a different house is very different to just in the next room with your mum where you can get him at any time you want him or your mum can come and get you if he won't settle for her.

Maybe ask her why does she feel the need to have him overnight.

Just keep repeating that you'll let her know when you feel comfortable to have him in a different house to you overnight but as yet you don't know when that will be.

For me, it wasn't until they were over two (at which point I was delighted to pack their little suitcase and have a break!!)

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/04/2022 15:11

Wow 12 weeks, I thought you were going to say he was 3 or 4 Grin MIL us being batshit and jealous, ignore her.

Poppinjay · 18/04/2022 15:13

Babies aren't like snacks to be shared out between people.

Delphinous78 · 18/04/2022 15:17

Yanbu. My oldest is four and she's never spent a night away even with her grandparents. I have a 4 month old and I couldn't imagine spending a night away from my tiny baby. Do what you feel comfortable with. She does sound like she's hoping to browbeat you into saying yes. Stand firm.

ComDummings · 18/04/2022 15:18

YANBU, he’s your baby, not a toy people should be expecting you to share!

DonnyBurrito · 18/04/2022 15:29

YANBU. At all.

Just say you're not comfortable with it. If she's not totally batshit, she'll understand. If she doesn't understand, you know you made the right decision not to send your baby to someone who is totally batshit Smile

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 15:31

it's like she feels it's a competition between my mother and her. it's always comments like "you don't recognise me, you never see him compared to your other grandma" or "your mum is so lucky, she gets to see him so much more".

she never brought up the sleep over until she found out my mum spent the night with him, then all of a sudden she wants to, moreso, when we went out for a coffee with a friend of hers, she even mentioned it to her friend, so even her friend said "you should let him sleep at grandmas sometime!"

i don't think she's jealous, i think she just doesn't want to be left out, but the comments made just put me off even more, she once messaged me to say "i see i've been shoved to one side" because we had to cancel a visit to hers once.

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 18/04/2022 15:41

This is her problem, not yours. Hold your ground, with phrases like he’s not a toy to be shared out, he’s my baby and he stays with me until he and I are ready.
She won’t like it so she’ll have to lump it.

Jalepenojello · 18/04/2022 15:41

YANBU at all. He’s still so little and it’s normal to want him close by. Just say you aren’t ready for him to stay out and you’ll let her know if you need a hand. Repeat and repeat. Ignoring your boundaries on this is concerning

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 15:43

Until they were out of nappies my dc never slept out... Your baby is basically brand new! Tell mil you waited 9 months for him and you aren't ready for him to sleepover.
Don't be bullied.

DonnyBurrito · 18/04/2022 15:50

OP, she's very immature to make a comment about being 'shoved to one side' to you! How dramatic and entitled. You don't need this kind of pressure, you've got enough on your plate with a newborn! She needs to back off.

SockFluffInTheBath · 18/04/2022 15:50

We had exactly this with my mum because PIL live close by. It doesn’t go away or get easier, you need to grow a thicker skin.

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 16:05

Remember being away from you is of no benefit to your dc.. It really comes down to who is more important to you..
Surely this is a sign mil doesn't have your dc's best interests at heart? She sounds selfish and immature.. Not ideal babysitting material for the future anyway!

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:07

i won't allow to be bullied. i don't think i'll be letting him stay over at anyones house for the first year or two, and definitely not until he gets into a routine.

she also goes against thinks that i say not to. i often say he's not hungry when he puts his fingers in his mouth (he often does this, even after feeding) and she keeps insisting until someone gives, usually partner will give in and ask for the bottles to prepare. so i refuse to let him stay if she goes against my wishes. i've had issues with saying "no dummy" which she completely disregards and gives him a dummy.

OP posts:
Cakesnbiscuit · 18/04/2022 16:09

Controversial opinion but I kinda see where the the inlaws are coming from. If you spend so much time with one set of grandparents the other set are bound to feel pushed out.

If you move out soon it would be fair to assume that sleep overs at your mums wouldn’t be happening as it’s not the same house anymore right? If you did continue the sleep overs when you have moved out i think it’s really unfair on the inlaws.

Could you sleep over at your in laws as a compromise?

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/04/2022 16:11

12 weeks!

Tell her to jog on.

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:16

@Cakesnbiscuit

Controversial opinion but I kinda see where the the inlaws are coming from. If you spend so much time with one set of grandparents the other set are bound to feel pushed out.

If you move out soon it would be fair to assume that sleep overs at your mums wouldn’t be happening as it’s not the same house anymore right? If you did continue the sleep overs when you have moved out i think it’s really unfair on the inlaws.

Could you sleep over at your in laws as a compromise?

once we move out there will be no sleepovers at my parents either. we are completely fair with both set of grandparents.

we wouldn't mind staying over at my in-laws; however they don't have the means to keep us. when they found out i was pregnant they told my partner he had to move in with me since we were gonna have a child we needed to sort ourselves out, and so they left their flat, (bearing in mind i was only part time employed and he had just got a new job, so money was tight to just find a place, and they knew. my parents told him to come live with me until we managed to find an affordable place because we didn't have the money to just find our own place.) and rented a one bedroom, so there's nowhere we could stay in their new flat.

OP posts:
notarevealingname · 18/04/2022 16:19

12 weeks is still so so new and tiny. Definitely hang on x

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 16:25

The difference being op's dm is supporting op in the same home. Mil is happy to stress op out to get her hands on a baby she is trying to lay claim to!!