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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to let DS stay at MILs

71 replies

charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 14:35

partner and i are living with my parents until housing is arranged, due to pandemic, has been difficult. being living with my parents, we get a lot of support, my mum insists she doesn't mind spending one night a week with LO, so i can get a full nights rest. usually she spends the night with him on a saturday to sunday.

my MIL keeps asking when we'll be allowing DS to stay at hers, i keep dodging the question, but i don't want him staying the night. with my mum, he's in the same house as i am, at my MIL he's 25 minutes away, it's not far but it's not home.

AIBU to not let him stay the night?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 16:30

@Cakesnbiscuit

Controversial opinion but I kinda see where the the inlaws are coming from. If you spend so much time with one set of grandparents the other set are bound to feel pushed out.

If you move out soon it would be fair to assume that sleep overs at your mums wouldn’t be happening as it’s not the same house anymore right? If you did continue the sleep overs when you have moved out i think it’s really unfair on the inlaws.

Could you sleep over at your in laws as a compromise?

The welfare of a baby and what the mother wants for her child have nothing to do with being "fair." The baby is an object to be shared.
Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:30

@Chocolatecomaday

The difference being op's dm is supporting op in the same home. Mil is happy to stress op out to get her hands on a baby she is trying to lay claim to!!
i always feel really horrible and selfish but DM really is just their as support, anytime MIL is over, my mum hands her DS and doesn't expect him back, which makes the remakes she makes a little painful.

especially when once she holds him, she barely lets go of him or put him back in his bouncer, then comments on how all he wants is to be held!!!

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 18/04/2022 16:32

Overnight stays - no way would I do this so young. (I really don’t get these grandparents who want to have tiny babies overnight when it’s 20 odd years since they did it themselves. Just weird and demanding).

The dummy thing would royally piss me off - it’s your baby ffs. Your baby your choices should be respected.

I hope your partner is on the same page as you ? You have battles ahead with her seriously overstepping.

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 16:35

Maybe practice calling her out pleasantly op(while home alone!) ? My mil used to stand and push the pram back forth when ds napped. The entire time. Drive me nuts until I actually said to her -lighthearted - did she think I had time to do that... Ds was dc number 5.. She stopped... She interfered quite a bit. I directed her keenness to help. Stationed at the ironing board was fine by me. Even when I had to grit my teeth as she ironed pj's and pants!! She ironed dh's shirts then folded them into small squares which I never understood!

Bonbon21 · 18/04/2022 16:39

You have to learn that this baby is YOUR baby.
YOU decide if a dummy is used.
YOU decide if he is hungry.
YOU decide when or even IF he ever stays overnight with anyone away from the place you are staying.
And once you have learned all these things you start telling everyone else that is how things go.
And tell your other half he has to step up and back you up... or he can go back to live with his mummy.
Your baby... your rules..
Be brave.

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:42

@Waterfallgirl

Overnight stays - no way would I do this so young. (I really don’t get these grandparents who want to have tiny babies overnight when it’s 20 odd years since they did it themselves. Just weird and demanding).

The dummy thing would royally piss me off - it’s your baby ffs. Your baby your choices should be respected.

I hope your partner is on the same page as you ? You have battles ahead with her seriously overstepping.

partner has more or less the same views as me, he's still fairly new with this all, and with being at work all day and only being around DS on the afternoons, he's not as comfortable with the baby as I am, also because it's our first baby. so when he cries and the dummy is suggested, he doesn't do it in spite of me. i had mentioned once i didn't want the dummy and his mother kept calling for a dummy, so he gave the baby a dummy, and i had a telling off at both of them, she knew i didn't want the dummy, and he got anxious about DS crying that he listened. but he's pretty good in the sense that he views things like me, and doesn't want DS stay over the night.
OP posts:
Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:44

@Bonbon21

You have to learn that this baby is YOUR baby. YOU decide if a dummy is used. YOU decide if he is hungry. YOU decide when or even IF he ever stays overnight with anyone away from the place you are staying. And once you have learned all these things you start telling everyone else that is how things go. And tell your other half he has to step up and back you up... or he can go back to live with his mummy. Your baby... your rules.. Be brave.
thank you! i will assert my ground and the next time any of this is questioned, i will just say i know best and we'll be doing things my way. this will only cause her to say more "mummy is mean" to DS because i fight back when she tries to excessive feed him. and i'm getting fed up. before she knows it she'll get a calling out.
OP posts:
Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 16:45

Mine never slept at ils. Visiting the upstairs windows would be open - she was sure dc wouldn't fall out. Fil's pills lying around - dc would know not to touch... Fire on full at all times... Glass fronted gas fire.. How she raised 2 dc I will never know. . I can't remember how the chat went but I must have told them def no sleepovers.. In fact dc were pre teen before they went by choice when we divorced..

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 16:51

@Chocolatecomaday

Mine never slept at ils. Visiting the upstairs windows would be open - she was sure dc wouldn't fall out. Fil's pills lying around - dc would know not to touch... Fire on full at all times... Glass fronted gas fire.. How she raised 2 dc I will never know. . I can't remember how the chat went but I must have told them def no sleepovers.. In fact dc were pre teen before they went by choice when we divorced..
that horrendous, im so sorry to hear!

they should've definitely considered how many potential accidents could've happened that they could've prevented!! especially with the pills! don't they know children will put anything in sight in their mouth??

OP posts:
NaTTate · 18/04/2022 16:56

I thought you were going to say he was several years old! 12 weeks is so young. It's ridiculous and totally selfish on her part - it would just be for her benefit and certainly not in the best interests of your son at that age.

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 17:02

@NaTTate

I thought you were going to say he was several years old! 12 weeks is so young. It's ridiculous and totally selfish on her part - it would just be for her benefit and certainly not in the best interests of your son at that age.
she's been asking since he was about 3/4 weeks old!!
OP posts:
Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 17:05

Less than a month the cord was barely bloody well healed!! Keep your wits about you op. Mine had a dummy but if yours doesn't and mil is trying to pull rank using one I would stand in front of her and cut the teat off and bin them.

Poppinjay · 18/04/2022 17:06

If you did continue the sleep overs when you have moved out i think it’s really unfair on the inlaws.

It doesn't matter what's 'fair'. Babies aren't chocolate buttons to be shared out equally.

If baby would feel safe and comfortable with the OP's DM because they've lived in the same house for a long period and the parents are both happy for her to have the LO overnight, it shouldn't be prevented because someone else's nose might be out of joint.

OP, your MIL needs to be told to grow TF up and stop undermining you and making passive aggressive comments or she won't see her DGC at all. Preferably the person to tell her would be your DH but a joint approach is good too.

PersephonePomegranate · 18/04/2022 17:10

he's 12 weeks

Bloody hell! My MIL was always really pushy and I ended up doubting myself and doing things I didn't dwelt rent to do - please don't that mistake!

PersephonePomegranate · 18/04/2022 17:11

really want to

Original poster
charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 17:25

@Poppinjay

If you did continue the sleep overs when you have moved out i think it’s really unfair on the inlaws.

It doesn't matter what's 'fair'. Babies aren't chocolate buttons to be shared out equally.

If baby would feel safe and comfortable with the OP's DM because they've lived in the same house for a long period and the parents are both happy for her to have the LO overnight, it shouldn't be prevented because someone else's nose might be out of joint.

OP, your MIL needs to be told to grow TF up and stop undermining you and making passive aggressive comments or she won't see her DGC at all. Preferably the person to tell her would be your DH but a joint approach is good too.

a lot of people don't understand this! i will be stopping sleepovers all together when i move out to avoid any issues or unnecessary drama, unless i feel otherwise; however, baby is so much more comfortable with DM just because he sees her everyday. people don't get this!! he's only 12 weeks, he doesn't know the difference between sleeping in my parents or our own home when we do move, so no point in continuing sleep overs, he's perfectly fine with just DP & I's presence however was he older and able to on his own express that he is used to sleeping occasionally with my DM, and wanted to, out of his decision, i would allow it.
OP posts:
JudgeJ · 18/04/2022 17:28

@Aquamarine1029

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're the mother, you make the rules. Your MIL doesn't have to like it.
Does the child not have two parents who make decisions? I do realise that the MN rule is that men have to 'support' their partner, ie agree with whatever she says.
Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 17:37

The dc's df shouldn't be supportive of his dm's wants over the feelings of the dc's dm surely? His baby yes but his agreement needs to be with his dp /dw not his dm. The one who gave birth surely gets the final say on this?
The feelings of keeping a baby close physically surely are ones a dm feels not a df?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 18/04/2022 17:57

If she so blatantly disregards your wishes regarding things like feeding and dummies, then I would think you have the perfect reason to say a hard NO to sleepovers at barely 3 months old, ffs

"NO. MIL you have repeatedly shown that you have no intention of abiding by the way that WE want to raise OUR new baby, so there will be no question of him leaving my side until he is at least [e.g.] 2"

SunshineAndFizz · 18/04/2022 18:01

Jeez I cried my eyes out when my DD slept in her own room for the first time at 6 months, definitely couldn't have handled her staying in another house at 12 weeks.

Just be clear with MIL, that DS is too young and you're not comfortable with him staying anywhere without you, and make sure she knows it would be the same with your mum too, so it's not personal.

LittleOwl153 · 18/04/2022 18:08

this will only cause her to say more "mummy is mean" to DS because i fight back

THIS is a major issue. There is no way I would allow someone unsupervised access to my child who undermined their mother or father like this. I would be telling MIL the next time I heard this that unless she cuts this out she won't be seeing baby at all as it is not fair on the child to be subject to this constant dripping of poison in their ears - it won't be long before he is old enough to understand and what does that do to a small child!

Cakesnbiscuit · 18/04/2022 18:25

Babies are not chocolate buttons or objects but the way we treat people now will affect relationships later on in life. I’m always amazed at the amount of people who treat their MIL different to their mothers then come back in 5-10 years complaining about their MIL. Or come back in 30 years when their DIL treats them differently.

In this situation MIL needs to respect the OPs opinions on how to raise her baby. And have boundaries on what to feed them / how to feed them.

However OP does need to make sure that both sets of grandparents are treated equally.

Whatsmyname100 · 18/04/2022 18:39

@Aquamarine1029

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're the mother, you make the rules. Your MIL doesn't have to like it.
I have to agree with this. Fortunately my dh is with me on this. We do whats best for us a family, not what's fair and equal to other people. So he would be fine with ds never going to stay over anywhere else, not because of any reason other than him not being comfortable with ds being away from us. What does your dp say?
Whatsmyname100 · 18/04/2022 18:41

Wow 12 weeks!! She can bloody jog on. I would be so angry if someone asked me at 12 weeks to keep my child, that I would have gladly had a few stern words for them. Your baby isn't a toy to be played with. You need to start speaking up op without caring who gets offended.

Ikeptgoing · 18/04/2022 18:43

this will only cause her to say more "mummy is mean" to DS because i fight back when she tries to excessive feed him

If she ever says that to your DS you remove baby DS from her start packing up (If you are at hers) or gathering her shoes and coat if she is at yours, and you say "Don't you ever put me down to my son, we will not tolerate that. So go home now."