Page 3 | to not want to let DS stay at MILs

charlottecruz · 2022-04-18T13:35:38+00:00

partner and i are living with my parents until housing is arranged, due to pandemic, has been difficult. being living with my parents, we get a lot of support, my mum insists she doesn't mind spending one night a week with LO, so i can get a full nights rest. usually she spends the night with him on a saturday to sunday. my MIL keeps asking when we'll be allowing DS to stay at hers, i keep dodging the question, but i don't want him staying the night. with my mum, he's in the same house as i am, at my MIL he's 25 minutes away, it's not far but it's not home. AIBU to not let him stay the night?

Whatsmyname100 · 18/04/2022 18:46

However OP does need to make sure that both sets of grandparents are treated equally

No actually OP does not need to do that. She is not responsible for managing other people's feelings. She needs to ONLY consider what is best for her baby. The Mil already sounds overbearing and incredibly immature. Do you think that would leave anyone feeling comfortable to leave their baby with? So you think op needs to please the IL more than what she feels comfortable with. I hate this being pushed on new parents to be equal. Equal does not mean what's best for the baby.

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 19:40

What tosh. Surely it is up to mil to make the most of any relationship offered up? It isn't a legal obligation to allow your mil a relationship with your dc!

Original poster

charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 19:58

@Chocolatecomaday

What tosh. Surely it is up to mil to make the most of any relationship offered up? It isn't a legal obligation to allow your mil a relationship with your dc!

she doesn't really try to make more of seeing him because she doesn't want to. i've told her whilst everyone is away working, i'm home alone with baby all day she's more than welcome to come, she never does, unless convenient for her, if she needs something or whatever. she doesn't go out of her way to come see her DGS then complains we barely come round to her house so she can see him.

OP posts:

Cakesnbiscuit · 18/04/2022 20:07

@Whatsmyname100 I think you have miss understood I haven’t said just roll over and let MIL do what she wants. I said OP needs to set boundary’s it she her baby to raise how she wants and MIL needs to respect that.

However I do think GP need to be treated equally with equal opportunities (whether the GP take these opportunities is a different matter and from
OPs most recent update doesn’t sound like MIL takes them)

Hence asking if they could sleep over at MIL all together. They are going to be in each other’s lives forever now so having a good relationship would be beneficial

FictionalCharacter · 18/04/2022 20:43

@Bonbon21

You have to learn that this baby is YOUR baby. YOU decide if a dummy is used. YOU decide if he is hungry. YOU decide when or even IF he ever stays overnight with anyone away from the place you are staying. And once you have learned all these things you start telling everyone else that is how things go. And tell your other half he has to step up and back you up... or he can go back to live with his mummy. Your baby... your rules.. Be brave.

All of this. Jeez, why do some GPs think they are part-owners of their grandchildren?

FictionalCharacter · 18/04/2022 20:49

[quote Cakesnbiscuit]@Whatsmyname100 I think you have miss understood I haven’t said just roll over and let MIL do what she wants. I said OP needs to set boundary’s it she her baby to raise how she wants and MIL needs to respect that.

However I do think GP need to be treated equally with equal opportunities (whether the GP take these opportunities is a different matter and from
OPs most recent update doesn’t sound like MIL takes them)

Hence asking if they could sleep over at MIL all together. They are going to be in each other’s lives forever now so having a good relationship would be beneficial[/quote]
No, GPs do not need to be treated equally. If one set of GPs is loving, kind and responsible, and the other set isn’t, you’d be perfectly reasonable to let your children visit / stay with one lot and not the other.
The children’s welfare and happiness comes first. The GPs have their own children that they have raised. They have no right to “parent” their grandchildren.

grubblyplank · 18/04/2022 21:17

I had this.

FIL kept pestering my DH for my DC to stay over too from being really young despite knowing she was bf and wouldn’t take a bottle so had to be with me all the time and being told repeatedly that it wouldn’t be happening (SIL bottlefed and left DN with PIL from a very early age - about 2/3 weeks); I think he expected me to hand them over in the same way that SIL had done.

It got to the point where it was asked every week-I told DH if he didn’t shut it down, then I would - it was never mentioned again. My DC 1 stayed over when they were six and I had to go and pick them up after FIL was arsey with them. They have never stayed since and DC2 has never stayed at all.

I have nothing to do with any of the ILs after a whole catalogue of unpleasantness over the years.

12 weeks is far too young-I never understand the need for them to have them on their own. Stick to your guns and ignore the snarky remarks

Cakesnbiscuit · 18/04/2022 21:23

@FictionalCharacter but at 12 weeks they are only learning to be grandparents. I completely agree with you if the children are older and this is a repeated issue. 12 weeks they are all learning their new roles. I think it’s fair to give people a good shot before cutting ties for the sake of the children.

Maybe I prefer to look for the good in people and give second chances. Each to their own

mrziggycoco · 18/04/2022 21:36

I hate, hate, hate how as soon as you have a baby people just start asking when you will give the baby to them and separate from them. Guess what, I want to be with my baby and my baby wants to be with me. Get your own baby! I hate this. I hate those people, they are literally insane.

Moochio · 18/04/2022 21:38

However I do think GP need to be treated equally with equal opportunities they absolutely do not. They are humans with their own strengths and weaknesses.

Original poster

charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 23:30

@grubblyplank

I had this.

FIL kept pestering my DH for my DC to stay over too from being really young despite knowing she was bf and wouldn’t take a bottle so had to be with me all the time and being told repeatedly that it wouldn’t be happening (SIL bottlefed and left DN with PIL from a very early age - about 2/3 weeks); I think he expected me to hand them over in the same way that SIL had done.

It got to the point where it was asked every week-I told DH if he didn’t shut it down, then I would - it was never mentioned again. My DC 1 stayed over when they were six and I had to go and pick them up after FIL was arsey with them. They have never stayed since and DC2 has never stayed at all.

I have nothing to do with any of the ILs after a whole catalogue of unpleasantness over the years.

12 weeks is far too young-I never understand the need for them to have them on their own. Stick to your guns and ignore the snarky remarks

if your baby was only bf and refused to take a bottle what did they expect? for you to let your baby starve all night so they could have their DGC all night? sometimes people are so selfish and just dumb, honestly.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottecruz · 18/04/2022 23:36

[quote Cakesnbiscuit]@Whatsmyname100 I think you have miss understood I haven’t said just roll over and let MIL do what she wants. I said OP needs to set boundary’s it she her baby to raise how she wants and MIL needs to respect that.

However I do think GP need to be treated equally with equal opportunities (whether the GP take these opportunities is a different matter and from
OPs most recent update doesn’t sound like MIL takes them)

Hence asking if they could sleep over at MIL all together. They are going to be in each other’s lives forever now so having a good relationship would be beneficial[/quote]
i have insisted several times that she come over when she pleases, she finishes work most days around 2pm and has the rest of the day, on her way home from work, she usually passes by my house. i've told her so many times she's free to come whenever she wants, but she never does. she really only sees her GS when we take him. which is a little aggravating if we're then going to get attacked that she doesn't see him enough. her english is not the best, so when she needs a phone call, she will come over for me to help her call, and when she lived further away, she would stay at mine until she was picked up by partner or her husband, so she didn't mind staying at mine, it was just for her convenience, and i guess seeing her GS isn't??

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottecruz · 19/04/2022 03:25

@mrziggycoco

I hate, hate, hate how as soon as you have a baby people just start asking when you will give the baby to them and separate from them. Guess what, I want to be with my baby and my baby wants to be with me. Get your own baby! I hate this. I hate those people, they are literally insane.

yes!! he's only so small, im not ready to let go of him. just yet.

OP posts:

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 19/04/2022 04:11

I Definitely won't be letting my 16 week old stay anywhere away from me for a long time yet.

In fact thinking of it, our older DS hasnt had any overnights away from both DH and myself. DH took him away to visit family for 4 nights when he was maybe 2, and I guess he had almost an overnight with my parents when DS aged 17 weeks was born, but that was unavoidable!!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 19/04/2022 04:14

I realise I've given 2 different ages for my younger one, he's precisely 16+5!

WildCoasts · 19/04/2022 04:18

Of course you want your tiny baby close to you. Your MIL is being ridiculous. My youngest is a teenager and they have spent the night at MIL's - never. Your baby, your rules.

autienotnayghty · 19/04/2022 06:39

I would keep repeating. He's not sleeping out until he's older and leave it at that.

T777T · 19/04/2022 10:48

Yanbu, OP.

Slightly different, but I recently had to deal with a male friend (with no kids yet) gilt trip me because I wasn't happy to leave my DS, who would be just 6m at that point, with my parents for a week so that I could attend this friend's wedding in his home country (a 6hr flight from here!) Said friend is planning on having kids in the next few years, so hopefully he'll come to realise how ridiculous his request was.

Some people really don't understand that small babies generally can't be left with other people for more than a few hours, and it tends to be those without kids, or (as in your MIL's case) people who did the parenting babies thing donkeys years ago, and have forgotten what's sensible.

The fact that your own mother takes him overnight isn't equivalent to your DS going to your MIL's, as it's still the same house to you and your mother can easily come and get you if anything is amiss or your DS won't settle, etc.

Original poster

charlottecruz · 19/04/2022 21:41

@T777T

Yanbu, OP.

Slightly different, but I recently had to deal with a male friend (with no kids yet) gilt trip me because I wasn't happy to leave my DS, who would be just 6m at that point, with my parents for a week so that I could attend this friend's wedding in his home country (a 6hr flight from here!) Said friend is planning on having kids in the next few years, so hopefully he'll come to realise how ridiculous his request was.

Some people really don't understand that small babies generally can't be left with other people for more than a few hours, and it tends to be those without kids, or (as in your MIL's case) people who did the parenting babies thing donkeys years ago, and have forgotten what's sensible.

The fact that your own mother takes him overnight isn't equivalent to your DS going to your MIL's, as it's still the same house to you and your mother can easily come and get you if anything is amiss or your DS won't settle, etc.

that's absolutely disgusting! don't go anywhere where your LO isn't welcome. people like this clearly don't understand what it is to have kids! i would tell your friend to jog on! you're doing the right thing, your baby is YOUR baby therefore goes WITH YOU everywhere (within reason).

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottecruz · 19/04/2022 21:42

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

I Definitely won't be letting my 16 week old stay anywhere away from me for a long time yet.

In fact thinking of it, our older DS hasnt had any overnights away from both DH and myself. DH took him away to visit family for 4 nights when he was maybe 2, and I guess he had almost an overnight with my parents when DS aged 17 weeks was born, but that was unavoidable!!

but that was an unavoidable situation!! you're so right. parents shouldn't be expected to give up THEIR babies.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottecruz · 19/04/2022 22:01

@Ikeptgoing

this will only cause her to say more "mummy is mean" to DS because i fight back when she tries to excessive feed him

If she ever says that to your DS you remove baby DS from her start packing up (If you are at hers) or gathering her shoes and coat if she is at yours, and you say "Don't you ever put me down to my son, we will not tolerate that. So go home now."

she often says that i'm mean because it's not feeding time yet and i don't want to give him a bottle. he has a tendency of sucking on his hands/fingers and she just assumes it's hunger and forces me into giving him a bottle and when i say no "i'm mean" or for whatever she disagrees with i'm either mean or "sorry baby, i want to give but mummy doesn't" like i'm the bad guy.

OP posts: