To think handling difficult MILs can be really tough?

[MILfatigue]

My MIL of more than 20 years is lovely, fun and generous - until some unseen trigger is pressed, and then she completely changes. She becomes unpleasant, negative, finds fault with everything you say and do, makes relentless snide remarks, pulls faces to indicate her deep displeasure about any single comment you make, no matter how seemingly harmless (taking vitamins, how to cook something). The preferred victims are my 17yo DD (her granddaughter) and me. My DD in particular really gets it when Batshit Mode is activated. If her father or I are not around, my MIL will be quite nasty and even insulting. In front of an audience, or to me, a grown-up with more rights to expect respect, we get the snide side more - petty digs, incessant questioning, pulling faces.

My husband watches this in deep distress and feels very sorry, especially for our daughter, who would love a loving relationship with her grandma. There is no question of him or me pulling his mum up on it, because he fears it would end in WWIII, and I agree. It wouldn't be worth it. I have a temper and if it goes the confrontation way she will end up being the victim, and I'm not giving her the satisfaction.

The question is, what then? I've already resolved to cut opportunities for future contact between DD and her to the bare minimum. I'm not exposing DD to this toxicity anymore. but what about DH and me? We don't see them often - they live a few hours drive from us - so we could go very low contact. We already are, particularly since Covid. That is what DH would prefer, but it makes me sad, though. Family is very important to me. I love my side of our family, but I've got very little left of it, and I have always had hopes that relationships with his side will improve. But the stress of fearing The Switch and watching it come on every single time at the most unexpected point, plus the frustration and rage of having to put up with it and not feeling equipped or able to deal with it, respond to it, defend us from it - it is all too much. We are staying with them at the moment and after a singularly fine display of batshittery yesterday, I've been awake since 5am fretting about it all.

Is little to no contact the only answer? Are there better ways of handling of this? Could I do better? Is there a way of asserting oneself that doesn't lead to conflict? The truth is deep down that I blame myself for not being able to handle it better. It is tough, isn't it?

Thank you for reading all this.

Can your meet ups be on public? Would she risk being awful in a restaurant?

There is no way I could put up with my children being insulted. Even if it meant nuclear war within the family.

You cannot change people; you can only change your reaction to them. Pull MIL up on the insulting. Why do you want to keep the peace with a woman that is so nasty to your child?

Not really, they live too far. And she can turn it on ANYWHERE, trust me. I once triggered her over my consumption of calcium and vitamin d at a fucking national trust property and had 30 minutes oh snide remarks implying my whole unnecessary use of vitamins made me a terrible human being, despite my reiterating like a fool that it was on doctor's orders. Location, logic, length of exposure - none seem to matter. It would be something to admire if i wasn't at the receiving end of it.

The only thing I could think you could do was pull her up on her behaviour and leave if it happens so it doesn't result in WWIII.

'That's not true, don't speak to DD like that. We're going to leave now.'

Then the ball is in her court to realise her behaviour is awful and apologise.

I hear you, @Uafasach. I hear you. The aftermath for DH and DD of a nuclear, if thoroughly deserved, fallout instigated by me would be far worse. They've both said as much and begged me for restraint. I am hot tempered and this is not in my nature. I hold back out of love for them and a pathetic sense of hope that things might change.

I think it depends on what unleashing WW3 would look like?

I would deffo consider going really low contact. A slow withdrawal maybe?

Has she always been like this or is it more recent?

My husband watches this in deep distress and feels very sorry, especially for our daughter, who would love a loving relationship with her grandma. There is no question of him or me pulling his mum up on it, because he fears it would end in WWIII, and I agree. It wouldn't be worth it. I have a temper and if it goes the confrontation way she will end up being the victim, and I'm not giving her the satisfaction

I can’t imagine that any repercussions would be worse than her current behaviour

Thanks @ouch12345. With some adaptions to our situation (we're usually staying at their house so flouncing off isn't easy or practical - we'd need to pack for starters) that could work. Perhaps I'll say something before getting in the car today. We're already leaving one day earlier than planned - a surprise to no one.

There is no question of him or me pulling his mum up on it, because he fears it would end in WWIII, and I agree. It wouldn't be worth it.

Your daughter isn't worth it? Objecting to horrible behaviour isn't worth it because of the fall out?

How are you going to feel if she has a partner who does this to her and her reaction is they'd it's not worth and that she's not worth it?

I'd say it's got worse, @StooOrangeyForCrows. But perhaps I'm more sensitive to it and less inclined to fear it's my fault for something I've inadvertently said or done, which was my default position for years.

The aftermath for DH and DD of a nuclear, if thoroughly deserved, fallout instigated by me would be far worse.

Would it, though? In the long term? I see this so often; awful people getting away with awful things because people pander to them and indulge them….because they might be awful if not. Next time this happens, I would calmly and coolly tell her that her behaviour is out of order and leave. Leave her to reflect on her behaviour and the consequences of it. Eventually it might sink in. Just appeasing people like this means nothing ever changes.

Is there no way of shutting this down before a nuclear confrontation?

If anyone did this to me, I would say “thank you you made your opinion clear so let’s talk about something else now”. And I simply wouldn’t engage further. Unless with a range of phrases that I had ready. “Lol, you seem very enraged / critical of this MIL, not sure why but let’s get on with our nice day out”

No way would I sit by and let my D.C. be attacked. But again, calm determined push back. “That’s way too harsh MIL, and I think we have the message now.. did you see The Split?” “LOL I don’t think DD’s use of dried Basil will bring the world to an end so let’s relax. What did the Dr say about your stuff elbow?”

It is perfectly OK for your Dd to deploy deflection and blocking. “Thanks for your opinion Dgm, I’ll bear it in mind “ “ouch, I feel a bit hurt when you say that” etc.

Put up your Teflon screens. You, your DH and Dd form the majority!

All that matters here is your DD.

Both of your are throwing her under the bus.

The fact that she even says don’t intervene proves how she is now trained to tolerate and absorb abuse.

It seems that the threat of volatility (your own fear of yourself and your fear of your MIL going nuclear) is holding you all hostage.

Take away that power by deciding to calmly and assertively go to her and tell her that saying x, y and z to your DD is unacceptable. It is never to happen again. An immediate apology is required or consequence a, b and c will happen.

Let her kick off - weather the storm - walk away - not get drawn into any escalation. Rinse and repeat your request calmly slowly once more and then very calmly and slowly move away.

Be a role model to your DD of an adult assertive calm way to deal with high conflict characters. Your DD needs to know she should NEVER accept this treatment and she has agency to take action.

Show her how it is done with dignity.

As for your DH - no words really - only disgust. He is happy to sacrifice his DD to avoid his own discomfort.

End game is that MIL will never change. Know that her “nice” is a mask and underneath she is seething and hateful and only sometimes it seeps out.

Assume she will not comply and will kick off and blame you - so have your words ready to deliver in a very calm measured way with an audience - don’t get drawn into an argument- so she can’t accuse you of anything- let your DD see that you have stood up to her and how to deal effectively with difficult people. Time it so that you can all gently and calmly say that you are leaving now once she kicks off.

Do this for your DD. She’s owed it. Otherwise don’t be surprised when she ends up in an abusive relationship and thinks that’s what she should tolerate.

Good luck to you.

Your poor daughter.

I cannot imagine a scenario where my children were spoken to badly by someone and we would return for more, year in year out.

Whatever your daughter tells you about how she feels about it, I suspect she will judge you both very harshly in the future, particularly her father.

Your wish for a close family is at the expense of your daughter.

Your needs shouldn't be facilating her being treated so badly by this woman.

Whatever you choose for yourself, I would strongly recommend you start keeping your poor daughter away from this awful
abusive woman.

There is no question of him or me pulling his mum up on it, because he fears it would end in WWIII

That’s pathetic. You have got to say something-there’s a huge gulf between letting her walk all over your daughter and you exploding. Give us some examples of how things escalate..,how did a row start at a national trust place over your vitamins?

Excellent post as always @DFOD

My mother exposed me to her very critical mother for years. It has damaged me.

@billy1966

Your poor daughter.

I cannot imagine a scenario where my children were spoken to badly by someone and we would return for more, year in year out.

Whatever your daughter tells you about how she feels about it, I suspect she will judge you both very harshly in the future, particularly her father.

Your wish for a close family is at the expense of your daughter.

Your needs shouldn't be facilating her being treated so badly by this woman.

Whatever you choose for yourself, I would strongly recommend you start keeping your poor daughter away from this awful
abusive woman.

Totally agree ^ Stop throwing your child under the bus. Your husband sounds pathetic, I don’t mean that harshly because I know parental relationships can be tricky especially with a volatile parent. But he has a child and wife who are suffering so he needs to grow up and deal with it. Therapy may help.

I wouldn't give a shiny shite about instigating WW3 to be honest, or about maintaining a relationship with this woman. She consistently treats you all like shit and nobody says anything about it?! Does she speak to her husband like this?

I think I'd have asked her what her fucking problem is long before now. I don't care if it's coarse, if it's aggressive or if it's likely to lead to a huge fall out.

I'd stop visiting. Or if you must, don't stay with them. Easier to then just walk away & actually leave.

My F is terrible, prone to tantrums and violent outbursts. FIL is a religious zealot who uses it to punish and lash out. MIL a bitter alcoholic. I put up with it and endless shite until I had my kids. Then I took charge and told them both - no nonsense or you don't see them - ever. FIL tried it a few times, most noticeably when he thought I was trapped breast feeding DD and DS was 2. I just said "Right, I warned you, we are leaving" grabbed DS by the hand(DD still latched on) and went to the car. A stunned DH joined us a few mins later and we left. Fuck them. Show your DD how to deal with twats and don't let her believe for one moment she deserves this crap.

The way to handle it was to stand up for your daughter when it happened to her and then leave. Every single time.

Poor child has had 17 years of this, and watching her parents condone it by not taking action. How's her self-esteem?

My husband watches this in deep distress and feels very sorry, especially for our daughter, who would love a loving relationship with her grandma. There is no question of him or me pulling his mum up on it, because he fears it would end in WWIII, and I agree. It wouldn't be worth it.

Not worth it?? You’re allowing your daughter to be abused by her grandmother and defending her wouldn’t be worth it???

I see this so often; awful people getting away with awful things because people pander to them and indulge them….because they might be awful if not.

I had realisation when DC were young that person left upset and fuming with me holding my tongue was me. So I stopped and found I have a sharp tongue and FIL and DH missed or ignored a lot from both of us. I also had Dmum example were she held her tongue got treated like crap and got very bitter and resentful and sometimes later in life explosively angry with Dad and GP and Uncle and even us about anything to do with IL.

I also found there are ways of telling off or stopping behavior/comments which don't involved raised voices or put downs quiet firm well were not dong that or explination or well I'm follow medical advice - repeated broken record can work well there.

Took a while to get DH on board - but they pushed back with us and even he saw things - so we didn't see them for a while and things improved.

I do what you mean about sudden changes though - see those everything fine for ages - but quiet firm reponse seems to sort it. They are on the whole a postive for the children - not so sure that's the case with you OP.

I've always stepped in with the children - and DH after a few years has as well - comments put downs etc aren't tolerated.

I do think it's paid off when eldest daughter had some food comments directed at her she followed our example and quietly and firmly pushed back and it now doesn't happen.