Shall I live with In Laws? Happy but conflicted :(

[Soyoungmuslimah]

Hello Lovely People!! I hope everyone is well. First time on this forum and goodness gracious me, reason why is because I think my overthinking is going to end up turning me absolutely insane. I am thinking let me try my luck here for some advice. Honestly nothing too serious has happened here its just that I am super scared for my future.

I am getting married next year. I am quite conflicted on living with my in laws. My future husband before proposing to me asked me whether I would want to live with family or live with my in laws. He is super open and flexible with everything. I discussed this with my mum and she convinced me to stay with in laws. She said its nice to live with family for a few years and it will help us a lot in terms of money. We live in London and the rent / house prices are ridiculous. My future husbands family has their own place which means we will be saving a lot of money. Our main plan is to live with in laws for a few years and then move out and put down a deposit for our own home. I've been working full time for 2 years and will continue to do so after marriage. He recently just got a job after his graduation and is new to his role and needs some more time to become stable. He offered to me if I would want to live alone a few times however I decided to take my mums advice and told him I think its better we stay with your family for a bit so we can save up money and get our own place (I am thinking long term). Also we will be able to save a lot of money and can use that money elsewhere in which we can go on holidays and lots of date nights. My only issue is I don't know if I'm living in a fairyland world. Will that actually happen? So far his parents are super chill and his mum seems really nice too. I get along really well with both my future FIL and future MIL. They are so kind and generous but mind you I don't live with them. I always hear horror stories and it really gets to my mind of how the in laws are nice at first and after marriage they change. Same with sister in laws. I've discussed things previously on how I don't want to be abused and mistreated by his family and he has assured to me that would never happen. My question is, am I doing the right thing? How can I remove the fear of me living with my in laws. Even in my own home sometimes I do feel really suffocated and I am the eldest daughter and I am always expected to cook and clean. I am also studying for an extra qualification which makes it tough as it is and I have to revise, work full time and manage my home. Of course I want to help out and I want to help my in laws in the future too but sometimes it is just too overbearing. It does drive me absolutely insane.

Recently my sister in law has been divorced and has moved back in he family. My sister in law is really nice but it is another thing that also scares me. Will this affect my marriage? Again its the stories you hear. I've heard so many stories of SILs and MILs making the DILs life miserable cause they are jealous. I don't see it happening but it makes me super paranoid. I want to be positive but I can't seem to get the negativity out of my head. Because of this my future in laws are now creating an extra space for me and my future husband to reside in which is really nice of them. So I am thinking I will get more privacy than before. My future husband still offers to me that we can move out he will just need more time to become stable however I don't want to pressure him / put any financial burden on him as he is so new his role too. I want to be a good partner and support him. Also I want to make it halal (since I am a Muslim young female) as soon as possible so I don't want that to be a reason to delay marriage even more.

I am just scared of privacy. Intimacy. I don't know how my in laws will be after marriage. I don't want them to be super interfering in my marriage same with my sister in laws. I don't want them to expect me to do housework 24/7 when I am 1) working full time, 2) studying as well. I am an independent woman and Alhamdullilah earn money too. Me and my future husband can afford to rent however it just means we won't save as much on the date nights / holidays so that is my compromise I guess. It feels slightly suffocating cause for me marriage is meant to be about freedom. I love my family so much but sometimes in my own house I feel suffocated and after marriage I'm scared living with my in laws I will feel suffocated too. Its so hard for to make a decision I don't know what the right thing is to do. And I know for people to advise my crazy ass will probably be so difficult as well 😭❤️ but would super appreciate what people can do. I'm so scared of my mother in law being nasty to me and making me feel suffocated. She doesn't seem like that at all. I have told her before that my plan is to live with them for a few years and then move out after once we have saved up enough money and she has told me she is completely fine with that and supports us. A lot of my friends have told me to be careful since thats what everyone says at first. Once you start living with them thats when the real faces come out.

I have spoken about many other things with them too. As much as I could. I've laid everything out on the table and my expectations they have agreed to all of them. However are they just saying it? Am I making a mistake? It is a big risk. But putting ourselves in a financial burden can be crazy too. I guess I am scared because I don't ever want to be put in that situation where my in laws will be nasty to me. I don't think my heart could bear it. I'm quite soft hearted, kind and sensitive as it is. Also I feel as if rude in laws would ruin the relationship with my husband and cause a drift which is something I never ever ever want. Especially because of family.

I did receive one red flag ONCE only. I am quite a good cook and baker and make quite a few nice things. In the past I have sent food over to their house and I have been praised a lot for it. One day I sent something over and my future MIL wanted to speak to me. She thanked me for going through the effort of making it. I asked her if she liked it and whether it was nice. She was very quick and snappy to say it was not nice and she didn't like it and that she shouldn't lie. This really hurt my feelings and I know my future husband was super taken back from it too. She also said I made too much and shouldn't have sent a lot because then it will get wasted and would have to go in the bin. My feelings were hurt for days and this caused a slight drift between my future husband and I - as I was super upset and couldn't believe she said that. She then went on to say that it got spoilt because they left it out at night. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt in which she said it probably got ruined cause we left it out at night and didn't put it in the fridge. What hurt me was the way she said. My future husband was defending his mum saying its just feedback and "hey she's like your mother" its not that deep. He said In the future if you don't like my mums cooking or something shes made you can say it too. Look I understand that but heres my thought process: 1) she is not like my mother. 2) If you make something out of love I do feel as if its wrong to make those remarks and things can be said nicely. 3) if I make something and I ask for feedback and my MIL tells me its not nice and could be improved then hey I'm all for it! I think its the way thing are said right. Anyway that was my slight red flag. I didn't want all of the good things that have happened to be forgotten about and allowed those to outweigh this one bad thing and so I decided to resolve the issue. But lowkey in the back of mind I do still think about it. Its made me super paranoid and I decided to be less comfortable with them and more reserved now. I feel as if before I was being way too nice esp with the over giving of food. It really put me off making / sending anything ever again. I'm quite naive and my family say this about me too. They say I need to face reality at times lol. Anyway that was my short side story.

What would everyone advise me doing? I don't want to continuously bring up my concerns with living with in laws repeatedly and annoy my future husband - I have done so to my future husband before and he has reassured me. I do still get extremely scared. I understand that there are benefits such as the holidays and date nights and saving money to get comfortable until we can afford our own place. However I'm so scared. I feel really guilty for feeling like this too because he always tells me how excited his family is especially his mum. His mum cannot wait for me to join the family so she can go out with me and have fun which is really sweet of course. He told me I watch too many dramas and hear too many negative experiences on social media which makes me paranoid but we can't deny the fact it does happen in reality. Hes told me many times his family isn't like that at will and never will be. They will give me my space and my privacy.

Don't do it. I adore my in laws but couldn't live with them. They live abroad and we went to visit and stayed with them for around 6 weeks, with SIL staying there too. I adore them all but it was just too bloody much. It drove me crazy. When in laws had a dispute it was impossible not to get involved, we got dragged into stupid little arguments that didn't even involve us. Nothing serious but just irritating small things. When DH and I had our own quarrel it was infuriating having to listen to the unasked for opinions of others! I hated not having my own space. There were so many things that wound me up. It's not healthy to live like this. In DHs culture everyone lives with their inlaws and they're all constantly arguing or annoyed about stupid stuff. Space is not only healthy but essential for good relationships.

Should add, I had NO red flags from my in-laws, they're literal angels, and still hated living together even for 6 weeks. The red flag you had about the food shows your MIL already has issues. I'd never live with them. Do you have kids? If not, it will get worse when you do. If you live with your in laws it will really blur the lines of boundaries and what's appropriate as a grandparent. You'll have them really overstepping and annoying you. It's just asking for problems.

Honestly, if I were you, I’d move into a small flat or apartment together - you only need a 1 bedroom for now - and concentrate on saving for a house and your future. Forget the expensive holidays and date nights, budget hard. Your privacy and dignity are worth it. If, when you get to know the in laws better you feel more comfortable living with them then that’s great, but you need some time to establish yourself and your partnership first.

@Thehundredthnamechange Honestly it breaks my heart. Even with my family its so common to live with the in laws and if you don't you're portrayed as a bad person. I do know that we would be able to rent a place out together since we both earn, we might just have to sacrifice on other areas. And exactly that red flag, it was ages ago but still replays at the back of my mind. My question is I still have a year left til my marriage. How do I bring it up? I'm so scared as being portrayed as the bad person and people hating me for not wanting to live with my in laws. Like my mum would be fully against it and will tell me I'm doing a really bad thing and will regret it. Should I give them a chance and see how it goes and move out if things get real bad and crazy... again its a risk right 😭 super conflicted. I'm so sorry you had bad experience. No kids yet but exactly I wanna raise my own children I don't want to be told how to raise my child and people interfering with the upbringing of my child!

No, no and no. Your future self will thank you so much for saying no.

If you had already lived together for a while, I'd say yes, to save money. But im getting the impression that you haven't. So I think it is vital for your marriage that you and your husband learn how to live with eachother without the added complication of his parents.

Don’t move in with them. From your OP you’re marrying a man you don’t really know well who has already stood up for his mum being rude about your kind gesture of sending a home cooked meal over. That’s before you’ve moved in. Stay single, go on those date nights and holidays you dream about and don’t do anyone else’s cleaning. You sound really bright and lovely, don’t be crushed by anyone.

Frankie4me Thanks I get what you mean 😭 you are right. How can I mention it to my partner? Especially since I have already pre agreed to living with my in laws. I feel like it will be a big slap in his face for me to now turn around and change my mind 😭

Privacy, especially after getting married is priceless. I would not do it. They may make you feel like you owe them, if it's when you live there that's when the expectation and obligation to cook and clean will come.

Or it could be once they are older and want help financially or even some where to live themselves with you.

Stay independent from them - stay married!

@Soyoungmuslimah

Frankie4me Thanks I get what you mean 😭 you are right. How can I mention it to my partner? Especially since I have already pre agreed to living with my in laws. I feel like it will be a big slap in his face for me to now turn around and change my mind 😭

Just say as the wedding is getting closer you're getting more excited about your future together and you simply no longer think you can compromise your space and privacy. You love him so much that you don't want to share him with his mum in your early newly wed stage

Muslim here 🤚 .

Look theres a massive push within muslims that you live with your inlaws as soon as you get married but honestly I disagree. It makes more sense for you and your husband to get married and live alone so that you can establish your couple. Your way of doing things without outside energy. Things will be harder but you’ll learn so much more about each other. You can always invite your inlaws to move in with you /move in with your in laws later when they are older etc but you won’t get this time back. If your MIL always makes him something in a set way you’ll always be trying to make it as good as with more critics around, but if you are alone you get a chance to make what you want or even for him to start cooking etc.

Re SIL she obviously won’t be happy, she’ll obviously need time to decompress release stress etc and maybe its just better not to be in the firing line. Let her have some space from the newly weds.

I’d say definitely live alone.

@Soyoungmuslimah

Frankie4me Thanks I get what you mean 😭 you are right. How can I mention it to my partner? Especially since I have already pre agreed to living with my in laws. I feel like it will be a big slap in his face for me to now turn around and change my mind 😭

-For the moment say you want to establish your couple first. -Theres halal joy within marriage that can’t really happen with in laws in the house.

• you think it’s kinder for SIL not to have newly weds around.
• its not forever, you can discuss moving back in a years time

Never mind what anyone else wants, or what has been pre agreed… think about what you want. Stay independent as much as you can. Give both of you some time together by yourselves.

Wise advice

I would trial shared living but agree to review the situation in 6 months and move out if it’s not working well.

I’d also chat to the family as a whole and explain that between working and studying you expect life to be very busy. How do others contribute to running the house and suggest what ever you’re happy with. Maybe cooking for the family once a week and doing the loos? Your DH can cook another night and be in charge of floor cleaning.

If you do live with your in laws, can you buy and rent out a flat to tenants once you’re married? You’ve then got a back up option but also an additional income.

Another option could be buying a studio flat and splitting your time between there and your in laws?

Regardless, both of these options give you a bit more freedom should anything go south. If I was in your situation I’d want/need a backup plan, even if in reality it all could be fine.

DO NOT DO THIS. I am Asian myself and married another Asian but I would never agree to living with inlaws.

I think living with your in-laws when newly married is a strange concept. You'll need your own space to be intimate and also create your own day to day routines. You're adults... why would you still want to live as 'children' of the house with in-laws? I did it for 8 months because our home was destroyed by flooding. We were incredibly grateful to my in-laws but it was very hard and I felt squeezed back into the 'child' role despite being an adult with my own family, job, home. I am not a Muslim, as we're stating what we are.

The food was a red flag. Could you offer to go to their house and cook one night? You'll see how she'd be once you want to be in her kitchen. I'm white British, but my DD and her partner lived with me. I saw it as a house share and respected them as adults, though. I would never have got involved in their disagreements. What is their attitude towards men doing housework and is your fiancé treated like a her little prince?

I am Asian and haves lived with my in-laws for over 25year and I wouldn't recommend it, unless you and your husband set a definite time limit as to how long you intend to live together and stick to it.

My husband feels a moral and financial obligation to live with them (they live with us so we can't ask them to leave either) and I feel as though I have lived with a noose around my neck.

It was worse when I had my children. My mother in laws idea of helping with the baby, was to sit holding him all day, while I did all the housework. I suffered from post natal depression and living with them made it 100 times worse.

When they have visitors you may be expected to host them and feel uncomfortable with having your family and friends round. I could go on and on, but I don't want to take over your post and I think you get the gist!

They were so nice to me before I got married too, but once I was there, the mask began to slip and I matured and realised I had been an idiot who was blinded by 'love'

Also if you are Asian, you need to stand up to your inlaws from day one otherwise they will take over your life and boss you around. Start as you mean to go on, or you will wake up 10 years later and wonder how you turned into a support animal for everyone. Happened to most of my friends who agreed to stay with inlaws.

I see your husband actually asked you if you wanted to stay with inlaws and you said no? Girl....

I mean you said yes. Sorry. Need more coffee!

Don't do it. I lived with my in-laws after marriage for 5 months and it was not a good start to married life. Having never lived with my husband before we desperately needed space and privacy. My in-laws were chilled out too but ultimately you're going into their home and your mother-in-law will always be queen of the house. You will have to fit in with how they do things. I really resented that it felt like I made all the sacrifices and for my husband life just carried on like before.