Shall I live with In Laws? Happy but conflicted :(

[Soyoungmuslimah]

Hello Lovely People!! I hope everyone is well. First time on this forum and goodness gracious me, reason why is because I think my overthinking is going to end up turning me absolutely insane. I am thinking let me try my luck here for some advice. Honestly nothing too serious has happened here its just that I am super scared for my future.

I am getting married next year. I am quite conflicted on living with my in laws. My future husband before proposing to me asked me whether I would want to live with family or live with my in laws. He is super open and flexible with everything. I discussed this with my mum and she convinced me to stay with in laws. She said its nice to live with family for a few years and it will help us a lot in terms of money. We live in London and the rent / house prices are ridiculous. My future husbands family has their own place which means we will be saving a lot of money. Our main plan is to live with in laws for a few years and then move out and put down a deposit for our own home. I've been working full time for 2 years and will continue to do so after marriage. He recently just got a job after his graduation and is new to his role and needs some more time to become stable. He offered to me if I would want to live alone a few times however I decided to take my mums advice and told him I think its better we stay with your family for a bit so we can save up money and get our own place (I am thinking long term). Also we will be able to save a lot of money and can use that money elsewhere in which we can go on holidays and lots of date nights. My only issue is I don't know if I'm living in a fairyland world. Will that actually happen? So far his parents are super chill and his mum seems really nice too. I get along really well with both my future FIL and future MIL. They are so kind and generous but mind you I don't live with them. I always hear horror stories and it really gets to my mind of how the in laws are nice at first and after marriage they change. Same with sister in laws. I've discussed things previously on how I don't want to be abused and mistreated by his family and he has assured to me that would never happen. My question is, am I doing the right thing? How can I remove the fear of me living with my in laws. Even in my own home sometimes I do feel really suffocated and I am the eldest daughter and I am always expected to cook and clean. I am also studying for an extra qualification which makes it tough as it is and I have to revise, work full time and manage my home. Of course I want to help out and I want to help my in laws in the future too but sometimes it is just too overbearing. It does drive me absolutely insane.

Recently my sister in law has been divorced and has moved back in he family. My sister in law is really nice but it is another thing that also scares me. Will this affect my marriage? Again its the stories you hear. I've heard so many stories of SILs and MILs making the DILs life miserable cause they are jealous. I don't see it happening but it makes me super paranoid. I want to be positive but I can't seem to get the negativity out of my head. Because of this my future in laws are now creating an extra space for me and my future husband to reside in which is really nice of them. So I am thinking I will get more privacy than before. My future husband still offers to me that we can move out he will just need more time to become stable however I don't want to pressure him / put any financial burden on him as he is so new his role too. I want to be a good partner and support him. Also I want to make it halal (since I am a Muslim young female) as soon as possible so I don't want that to be a reason to delay marriage even more.

I am just scared of privacy. Intimacy. I don't know how my in laws will be after marriage. I don't want them to be super interfering in my marriage same with my sister in laws. I don't want them to expect me to do housework 24/7 when I am 1) working full time, 2) studying as well. I am an independent woman and Alhamdullilah earn money too. Me and my future husband can afford to rent however it just means we won't save as much on the date nights / holidays so that is my compromise I guess. It feels slightly suffocating cause for me marriage is meant to be about freedom. I love my family so much but sometimes in my own house I feel suffocated and after marriage I'm scared living with my in laws I will feel suffocated too. Its so hard for to make a decision I don't know what the right thing is to do. And I know for people to advise my crazy ass will probably be so difficult as well 😭❤️ but would super appreciate what people can do. I'm so scared of my mother in law being nasty to me and making me feel suffocated. She doesn't seem like that at all. I have told her before that my plan is to live with them for a few years and then move out after once we have saved up enough money and she has told me she is completely fine with that and supports us. A lot of my friends have told me to be careful since thats what everyone says at first. Once you start living with them thats when the real faces come out.

I have spoken about many other things with them too. As much as I could. I've laid everything out on the table and my expectations they have agreed to all of them. However are they just saying it? Am I making a mistake? It is a big risk. But putting ourselves in a financial burden can be crazy too. I guess I am scared because I don't ever want to be put in that situation where my in laws will be nasty to me. I don't think my heart could bear it. I'm quite soft hearted, kind and sensitive as it is. Also I feel as if rude in laws would ruin the relationship with my husband and cause a drift which is something I never ever ever want. Especially because of family.

I did receive one red flag ONCE only. I am quite a good cook and baker and make quite a few nice things. In the past I have sent food over to their house and I have been praised a lot for it. One day I sent something over and my future MIL wanted to speak to me. She thanked me for going through the effort of making it. I asked her if she liked it and whether it was nice. She was very quick and snappy to say it was not nice and she didn't like it and that she shouldn't lie. This really hurt my feelings and I know my future husband was super taken back from it too. She also said I made too much and shouldn't have sent a lot because then it will get wasted and would have to go in the bin. My feelings were hurt for days and this caused a slight drift between my future husband and I - as I was super upset and couldn't believe she said that. She then went on to say that it got spoilt because they left it out at night. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt in which she said it probably got ruined cause we left it out at night and didn't put it in the fridge. What hurt me was the way she said. My future husband was defending his mum saying its just feedback and "hey she's like your mother" its not that deep. He said In the future if you don't like my mums cooking or something shes made you can say it too. Look I understand that but heres my thought process: 1) she is not like my mother. 2) If you make something out of love I do feel as if its wrong to make those remarks and things can be said nicely. 3) if I make something and I ask for feedback and my MIL tells me its not nice and could be improved then hey I'm all for it! I think its the way thing are said right. Anyway that was my slight red flag. I didn't want all of the good things that have happened to be forgotten about and allowed those to outweigh this one bad thing and so I decided to resolve the issue. But lowkey in the back of mind I do still think about it. Its made me super paranoid and I decided to be less comfortable with them and more reserved now. I feel as if before I was being way too nice esp with the over giving of food. It really put me off making / sending anything ever again. I'm quite naive and my family say this about me too. They say I need to face reality at times lol. Anyway that was my short side story.

What would everyone advise me doing? I don't want to continuously bring up my concerns with living with in laws repeatedly and annoy my future husband - I have done so to my future husband before and he has reassured me. I do still get extremely scared. I understand that there are benefits such as the holidays and date nights and saving money to get comfortable until we can afford our own place. However I'm so scared. I feel really guilty for feeling like this too because he always tells me how excited his family is especially his mum. His mum cannot wait for me to join the family so she can go out with me and have fun which is really sweet of course. He told me I watch too many dramas and hear too many negative experiences on social media which makes me paranoid but we can't deny the fact it does happen in reality. Hes told me many times his family isn't like that at will and never will be. They will give me my space and my privacy.

I love my in laws. But I'd rather sleep in my car than live with them again. We moved in for 2 months in between house moves. Never again.

Great advice above.

Listen to your gut.

It is screaming at you NOT to move in.

@OperationMincemeat's very wise posts are the reality for many that live with family.

You talked about having more money for date nights/holidays.

This is all money you would be spending to have privacy and time on your own.

Marriage is not easy and you are so young.

If you are determined to get married young, give yourself the best chance.

You are livibg with a very controlling family now, your own family.
They use you as a skivvy by the sounds of it.
You want space to be away from these expectations.
A private space of your own.

Get your place and do not rush into having children.

You have had very little freedom in your life to do nothing.
Do that in your own space.

This will be a test for your fiancé.
If he doesn't support you in this, it will be a huge red flag.

I thing your MIL's mask did slip, she is not as easy going as your think.

Be very careful.

When you say you don't wish to live with them, watch and listen very carefully, you will get a real insight into who they really are.

@TakeMe2Insanity has given some excellent reasons for you to memorise and keep telling them as your reasons.

Don’t do it. Your MIL showed her colours when she insulted your food and left it out to spoil. That’s the MIL you’ll get when you move in.

Do you know why your SIL got divorced? Was it recently after marriage?

I’ve seen so many women treated like slaves and beaten by their IL’s their salaries taken away from them their gold stolen from them by their IL’s that I would not in a million years advise living with them.

And your family sound hard work too expecting you to do all the household tasks and work. You’ll be having to do less chores if it’s just you and your husband anyway.

Also you’re going to find if you live with your IL’s your husband will do as his mother tells him, he’ll be easily wound up by his mother and sisters and you’ll have a lot of conflict in your marriage because of it.

I’d advise that you tell your fiancé as his sister has come back home she deserves some peace and privacy and you should sacrifice your space for her, so she can live comfortably in her family’s bosom.

Say it would be the best thing to do and don’t budge on it.

I’m a Muslim woman too. And trust me a MIL picking holes in your cooking is a classic abusive MIL tactic. She will escalate fast once you’re trapped in her house and your fiancé sounds like he won’t stand up to her or support you.
Also I suggest you don’t get pregnant right away either till you’re on your feet financially. And any money you put into a joint house ensure your deposits are fenced off and clearly legally marked as yours. You never know how things will pan out and it’s useful to have options other than having to go back to your not sympathetic family.

Also do Istikhara.

Don’t know anything about the Asian culture of living with ILs ….when did this culture begin ? if it is established centuries ago then yep can see why it was a norm. Couples married young, children would have potentially come quickly and frequently without contraception , married women or even unmarried women could not work outside the home. For large multi generational families it would have made much sense for women to pool their resources and share loads of hard physical labour in domestic home and continual child rearing.
But, we’re not in that situation now. You work. You have a tertiary education. You have been exposed to a western culture of a level of independence and self autonomy…heck you can even vote! And even in uk we haven’t been able to do that for too long. Domestic labour has been reduced physically with machinery and electricity. And pregnancies are generally planned and spaced. Life has changed dramatically for women in the last 100 years in western world and much of Asia- sadly not everywhere yet.
But the culture you inherited seems to still go back to what made sense then. As a millennial it makes no sense.
Someone in your family needs to break a mould and say this no longer makes any sense in the 21st century in the culture we live in. It could be you.. or not and you leave it to your daughters or younger sisters… but at some point the women in your family will say enough is enough. That is progress and women have a right not to bear the brunt of negative impacts of traditions- men don’t put up with that generally!
Could be entirely wrong…as I say I know nowt about it …but as “outsider” it does seem about subjugation of women into the role of serving their in-laws and extended family.

It isn’t an Islamic thing to live with in laws, as PP have said, it’s cultural.

I’m Arab myself, and so living with in laws isn’t as common with us as it is with the Asian community.

Putting that to one side, don’t do it. You’re getting married and you’re starting a new life with your husband. You want to build your foundations as husband and wife in your own home, not as a guest in your in laws home.

No matter how welcome they say you will be, it won’t ever be your home. Your parents have raised you to become an independent woman, and you risk jeopardising that by moving in with in laws, who will expect that you treat them as parents and potentially control what you can and can’t do.

It will also be harder for your husband to prioritise you as his wife, when he’s still living with his parents and will have the mindset of must respect respects.

Enjoy your new life together in your own space, and build your marriage in your own home. Don’t do it.

Also, your MIL has shown her true colours by that comment. All MILs are lovely to begin with, until they’re not. I know a few Asian women who moved in with in laws, and they all regret it. They regret they never had their own space and all they had was one room to theirselves. They found their MIL questioning their movements, such as what time they’ll be home and where they’re going - they left their home to essentially answer to someone else. They also were expected to cook and clean whilst the SIL would barely do anything.

Why put yourself through that?

Also, your fiancé keeps asking you if you’re sure about living with his family. It’s great he wants you to be sure, but I wonder if he knows what they will be like and is trying to protect you.

You won’t need to save money for date nights and holidays when you have your own place as every night is a date night with your DH and every week will be a holiday away from being a skivvy / subjugated by your own family (if not his).

Invest in your marriage emotionally and financially with privacy and a flat. Family socialising will likely take up loads of your weekends anyway.

Don’t be worried about what others may or may not say - this is your life.

You won’t get this precious time back again.
Cherish it.

My cousins, ‘modern young lovely MIL’ would go through her bins and rant at her over things she found in there. She caused her so much stress she nearly lost a pregnancy.

Don’t do it. You’re going to see your fiancés true colours as well when you say you want to live apart.

Also you don’t need to live right in London find a cheaper place to rent on the commuter belt (far from your inlaws).

I think you need some privacy. You can rent a small apartment just for now so you can save a deposit.

Oh and whatever you do, do NOT agree to a 6 month trial.

That would be an absolute disaster.

@Soyoungmuslimah

Frankie4me Thanks I get what you mean 😭 you are right. How can I mention it to my partner? Especially since I have already pre agreed to living with my in laws. I feel like it will be a big slap in his face for me to now turn around and change my mind 😭

But you said he has repeatedly said it would be OK to live independently. So tell him that yes, on mature reflection, you really would like to get a flat now and live with just him, to have that properly couples intimate, home making time with him.

He might leap at the chance - it might be why he keeps on mentioning it. It could actually be you, your misplaced politeness to parents, culture, that is preventing him from insisting you give it a try.

Being very blunt, you attempts at trying to think this through and be reasonable, everything to everyone plus being open and honest about expectations sound incredibly trying. Almost precious. If that isn't who you are, who you want to be, then stop trying. Do whatever it is that makes you feel happy.

And, from what you have typed, I hope that is to move out and live with your boyfriend. See how the reality of that is.

Good luck

Don't do it. I used to get on amazingly with my in-laws until I lived with them for a short time. Now we're very low contact.

You'll have a great time setting up your own life with your new husband. Struggling a bit financially when you're setting up your life is normal and part of life and being a grown up.

@Jamboree01

No, no and no. Your future self will thank you so much for saying no.

This.

A friend of mine with Packistnu heritage is being driven insane living with her in laws. I could never do it!

Don’t do it op, it is not necessary. If he sees you as ‘bad’ then he is not the right one for you. And you are marrying him, not his family- it doesn’t matter what they think.

@Soyoungmuslimah

Frankie4me Thanks I get what you mean 😭 you are right. How can I mention it to my partner? Especially since I have already pre agreed to living with my in laws. I feel like it will be a big slap in his face for me to now turn around and change my mind 😭

If you can't have difficult conversations or the space to think and then change your mind, you aren't ready to get married to each other IMO.

These are absolutely basic things you should be able to do in a strong and healthy relationship - discuss your feelings even if they are difficult.

You need to start thinking of you and him as an equal team who have each other's backs, who listen even when things are difficult to hear.

At the moment you are scared of being honest in case it rocks the boat for him, which means you definitely shouldn't be moving in with his family as your voice isn't thought of as equal even by you let alone him or them.

You don't sound ready to be married to each other if you can't discuss this.

@Soyoungmuslimah

Everyone thank you so much for your advice. I think I will go ahead and discuss it with my fiance and see where he is coming from too and look at our options. I've seen some amazing comments such as privacy is priceless. You will never be more powerful than you are now. Wish me luck guys I hope everything does go well. If anyone does have more advice do continue to share I will truly appreciate it. I hope he takes it well I'm super scared 😭💔

I do want to say that yes everyone is right. I am quite young at the moment (23 years of age), I have a great education and nice job. I feel as if I deserve to have my own space and privacy and live my life like an adult and no longer in the supervision of any adults. I want this marriage to grow me and make me into an adult. Not live like children under parents' roof ❤️

Going to be super awkward having those conversations with his family but oh wells. I'll let it be awkward now and explain to them that I want to be independent in our marriage. Would be interesting to see if his parents start to treat my different / be less nice to me if I say I don't want to live with them. Maybe it is a good test ... That would super surprise me considering how lovely they are to me right now and them having said to me that they don't mind me getting my own place after a while.

Well done OP, hope it goes well. The PPs advice that it's better to be seen as 'bad' now than have years of pressure to maintain a 'good' status is gold. Absolutely correct