Hello Lovely People!! I hope everyone is well. First time on this forum and goodness gracious me, reason why is because I think my overthinking is going to end up turning me absolutely insane. I am thinking let me try my luck here for some advice. Honestly nothing too serious has happened here its just that I am super scared for my future.
I am getting married next year. I am quite conflicted on living with my in laws. My future husband before proposing to me asked me whether I would want to live with family or live with my in laws. He is super open and flexible with everything. I discussed this with my mum and she convinced me to stay with in laws. She said its nice to live with family for a few years and it will help us a lot in terms of money. We live in London and the rent / house prices are ridiculous. My future husbands family has their own place which means we will be saving a lot of money. Our main plan is to live with in laws for a few years and then move out and put down a deposit for our own home. I've been working full time for 2 years and will continue to do so after marriage. He recently just got a job after his graduation and is new to his role and needs some more time to become stable. He offered to me if I would want to live alone a few times however I decided to take my mums advice and told him I think its better we stay with your family for a bit so we can save up money and get our own place (I am thinking long term). Also we will be able to save a lot of money and can use that money elsewhere in which we can go on holidays and lots of date nights. My only issue is I don't know if I'm living in a fairyland world. Will that actually happen? So far his parents are super chill and his mum seems really nice too. I get along really well with both my future FIL and future MIL. They are so kind and generous but mind you I don't live with them. I always hear horror stories and it really gets to my mind of how the in laws are nice at first and after marriage they change. Same with sister in laws. I've discussed things previously on how I don't want to be abused and mistreated by his family and he has assured to me that would never happen. My question is, am I doing the right thing? How can I remove the fear of me living with my in laws. Even in my own home sometimes I do feel really suffocated and I am the eldest daughter and I am always expected to cook and clean. I am also studying for an extra qualification which makes it tough as it is and I have to revise, work full time and manage my home. Of course I want to help out and I want to help my in laws in the future too but sometimes it is just too overbearing. It does drive me absolutely insane.
Recently my sister in law has been divorced and has moved back in he family. My sister in law is really nice but it is another thing that also scares me. Will this affect my marriage? Again its the stories you hear. I've heard so many stories of SILs and MILs making the DILs life miserable cause they are jealous. I don't see it happening but it makes me super paranoid. I want to be positive but I can't seem to get the negativity out of my head. Because of this my future in laws are now creating an extra space for me and my future husband to reside in which is really nice of them. So I am thinking I will get more privacy than before. My future husband still offers to me that we can move out he will just need more time to become stable however I don't want to pressure him / put any financial burden on him as he is so new his role too. I want to be a good partner and support him. Also I want to make it halal (since I am a Muslim young female) as soon as possible so I don't want that to be a reason to delay marriage even more.
I am just scared of privacy. Intimacy. I don't know how my in laws will be after marriage. I don't want them to be super interfering in my marriage same with my sister in laws. I don't want them to expect me to do housework 24/7 when I am 1) working full time, 2) studying as well. I am an independent woman and Alhamdullilah earn money too. Me and my future husband can afford to rent however it just means we won't save as much on the date nights / holidays so that is my compromise I guess. It feels slightly suffocating cause for me marriage is meant to be about freedom. I love my family so much but sometimes in my own house I feel suffocated and after marriage I'm scared living with my in laws I will feel suffocated too. Its so hard for to make a decision I don't know what the right thing is to do. And I know for people to advise my crazy ass will probably be so difficult as well 😭❤️ but would super appreciate what people can do. I'm so scared of my mother in law being nasty to me and making me feel suffocated. She doesn't seem like that at all. I have told her before that my plan is to live with them for a few years and then move out after once we have saved up enough money and she has told me she is completely fine with that and supports us. A lot of my friends have told me to be careful since thats what everyone says at first. Once you start living with them thats when the real faces come out.
I have spoken about many other things with them too. As much as I could. I've laid everything out on the table and my expectations they have agreed to all of them. However are they just saying it? Am I making a mistake? It is a big risk. But putting ourselves in a financial burden can be crazy too. I guess I am scared because I don't ever want to be put in that situation where my in laws will be nasty to me. I don't think my heart could bear it. I'm quite soft hearted, kind and sensitive as it is. Also I feel as if rude in laws would ruin the relationship with my husband and cause a drift which is something I never ever ever want. Especially because of family.
I did receive one red flag ONCE only. I am quite a good cook and baker and make quite a few nice things. In the past I have sent food over to their house and I have been praised a lot for it. One day I sent something over and my future MIL wanted to speak to me. She thanked me for going through the effort of making it. I asked her if she liked it and whether it was nice. She was very quick and snappy to say it was not nice and she didn't like it and that she shouldn't lie. This really hurt my feelings and I know my future husband was super taken back from it too. She also said I made too much and shouldn't have sent a lot because then it will get wasted and would have to go in the bin. My feelings were hurt for days and this caused a slight drift between my future husband and I - as I was super upset and couldn't believe she said that. She then went on to say that it got spoilt because they left it out at night. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt in which she said it probably got ruined cause we left it out at night and didn't put it in the fridge. What hurt me was the way she said. My future husband was defending his mum saying its just feedback and "hey she's like your mother" its not that deep. He said In the future if you don't like my mums cooking or something shes made you can say it too. Look I understand that but heres my thought process: 1) she is not like my mother. 2) If you make something out of love I do feel as if its wrong to make those remarks and things can be said nicely. 3) if I make something and I ask for feedback and my MIL tells me its not nice and could be improved then hey I'm all for it! I think its the way thing are said right. Anyway that was my slight red flag. I didn't want all of the good things that have happened to be forgotten about and allowed those to outweigh this one bad thing and so I decided to resolve the issue. But lowkey in the back of mind I do still think about it. Its made me super paranoid and I decided to be less comfortable with them and more reserved now. I feel as if before I was being way too nice esp with the over giving of food. It really put me off making / sending anything ever again. I'm quite naive and my family say this about me too. They say I need to face reality at times lol. Anyway that was my short side story.
What would everyone advise me doing? I don't want to continuously bring up my concerns with living with in laws repeatedly and annoy my future husband - I have done so to my future husband before and he has reassured me. I do still get extremely scared. I understand that there are benefits such as the holidays and date nights and saving money to get comfortable until we can afford our own place. However I'm so scared. I feel really guilty for feeling like this too because he always tells me how excited his family is especially his mum. His mum cannot wait for me to join the family so she can go out with me and have fun which is really sweet of course. He told me I watch too many dramas and hear too many negative experiences on social media which makes me paranoid but we can't deny the fact it does happen in reality. Hes told me many times his family isn't like that at will and never will be. They will give me my space and my privacy.