To have screamed at my son?

[Hastilymadeupname]

Obviously this is unreasonable, but wondered if it’s understandable at all? Or am I just a psycho?

My DS (9) is very loud, always shouting out rude words, repeating phrases and general yelling. He has to be told off numerous times before he stops bad behaviour.

I’ve had a whole holiday of him behaving like a dick on day trips- I’m constantly reprimanding him which he ignores, so then he gets told off by staff in museums etc.

I’m frazzled and there’s still another week before he goes back to school.

The more I do for him, the more ungrateful he seems to be.

Today I screamed at him to f*ing shut up. I just snapped. He was actually taken aback and was upset. I feel awful.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I worry I’m a total psycho and I totally over reacted to what is typical childhood behaviour.

I’m worry that I’m messing him up.

Does this cause lasting damage? Am I unreasonable? Or does anyone else lose it like this?

Does he do it on purpose or can there be another reason for his behaviour? Is he like this at school?

I would do no more day trips unless he is going to behave at home.

As a one off? Meh. Sometimes you need to lose your shit to get people to pay attention.

You may wish to find some other strategies to stop his bad behaviour now because it is possible he will now just continue until you reach breaking point each time. That is the downside of children knowing what your limits are!

I don't think its typical behaviour - what is he like at school? And no, its not ideal but we are all human and sometimes we snap. Maybe get some professional behavioural help? During the holidays can you look at some camp options? week long sports camp. Im from Australia and we have a lot of these.

You reached the end of your tether and did what needed to be done to make him listen.

You showed him that you are human and have your limits, which he had breached. No harm done, especially as a one-off. It sounds like he has had something like this coming for a while.

I think sometimes he can’t help himself.

I also think there is an element of trying to shock/ get a reaction.

At the last parents evening, his teacher says he can be really annoying.

DS came back from a school trip upset as the teacher was shouting at him all the time, which makes me think he can’t help it and isn’t aware of the impact of his behaviour

I think you may be right!

I tell my 2 year old to shut the f**k up at least 5 times a day.. in my head... I'm sure it'll slip out at some point 😂 don't feel bad your only human and kids are hard work xx

My 8 yo DS gets like that, so I tell him that's it, he can have a few days at home. If he's like that at home then he gets a screen detox. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, he needs to learn to bloody listen.

@vodkaredbullgirl

I would do no more day trips unless he is going to behave at home.

I’m taking this advice as of tomorrow!

@motherknowsbest1

I tell my 2 year old to shut the f**k up at least 5 times a day.. in my head... I'm sure it'll slip out at some point 😂 don't feel bad your only human and kids are hard work xx

I think this is what has happened after years of telling him to F off in my head! It finally came out today!

That sounds so stressful, OP. Have you ever had him assessed for anything? That sounds beyond ‘annoying’ behaviour

@Rainallnight

That sounds so stressful, OP. Have you ever had him assessed for anything? That sounds beyond ‘annoying’ behaviour

I’ve wondered if it’s ADHD, but never been tested.

He’s always been exhausting- keep expecting him to grow out of it, but never does.

Think I should get him tested, but then worry that it’s my parenting. But probably need to seek confirmation one way or another.

I mean yes I think you were unreasonable to scream at a preteen to shut the fuck up. I don’t think it will exactly help the underlying behavioural issues.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed by his bad behaviour but why is he shouting and yelling and ignoring you until staff at places have to step in? If that was me after two times of ‘Tom, behave please’ it would be straight home for him to sit quietly with no fun activities. You’re sort of putting yourself in the position by showing him he can act up as much as he likes and drive you to screaming and shouting.

So to sum up I think your son’s behaviour is poor but you’re not handling it well, and screaming and swearing at him isn’t going to suddenly help.

I think if you haven't already you need to sit down with him, explain that you got overwhelmed and snapped, and apologize for your bad behaviour.

Then I think you need to really think about how you're handling him acting up, and look into some extra support.

I think you should see a doctor for his behaviour

This sounds more extreme than the typical exhuberance of a nine year old, and it would definitely be worth having him assessed for possible ADHD. I also think it would benefit you to have a look at his diet, screen time, exercise levels and your strategies for managing his challenging behaviour as this must be really hard on both of you.

Is there a possibility he has Tourette's syndrome OP? Just because I notice you say about repetitive words:

Tics are the main symptom of Tourette's syndrome. They usually appear in childhood between the ages of 2 and 14 (around 6 years is the average).

People with Tourette's syndrome have a combination of physical and vocal tics.

Examples of physical tics include:

blinking
eye rolling
grimacing
shoulder shrugging
jerking of the head or limbs
jumping
twirling
touching objects and other people
Examples of vocal tics include:

grunting
throat clearing
whistling
coughing
tongue clicking
animal sounds
saying random words and phrases
repeating a sound, word or phrase
swearing
Swearing is rare and only affects about 1 in 10 people with Tourette's syndrome.

Not trying to armchair diagnose I just agree that it sounds above and beyond typical "naughtiness" and I notice the age on the NHS website advises the age it starts to appear is between 2 and 14 with an average age of 6.

Full disclosure though my oldest is 6 and oldest boy is 4 so I don't have a real 9 year to compare to!

This sounds quite a bit like like my son. He will randomly screech or yell for no reason. He struggles to control his impulses (although masks at school as best he can). Places like museums where other children calmly walk around can be a nightmare.

He's on the waiting list for ADHD assessment.

It sounds like your son was upset that he was told off so he does care, his aim was not to be told off, he wants to do well, he just struggles to?

If your suspect ADHD please move towards getting him assessed. Waiting lists are long - but not crazy where I am (unlike autism). Take a look at the list below, does that sound familiar? If yes you could send the list of traits to the school and ask them whether they think it's a possibility, and book a call with GP
www.nhs.uk/conditions/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd/symptoms/

Don't beat yourself up about screaming at him. We all lose it (I certainly have). You can use it as an opportunity to model to him how to apologise and take responsibility. And think about what strategies might help you not to lose it in future. Including self care and breaks for you.

Maybe find a safe space where you can rant to your heart's delight to release some of the tension you feel.

I'd also make time to do an activity (maybe at home) of his choice where he can take the lead and have your full attention one on one for a while if that's possible.

I would bear in mind too that children with ADHD are estimated to receive 20,000 more negative messages by age 10 than their non affected peers, on average. He may not have ADHD, but either way it sounds like he's getting a lot of negative feedback at school eg on school trip, and at home, and that might start to chip away at his self esteem.

It sounds like it could be ADHD if he does have other impulse control issues. He does sound rather hard work. I’ve daydreamed about getting a ball gag for my ASD teen DD who monologues constantly. One day I will snap. I do get short with her sometimes. She needs to know when it’s appropriate, and I need better boundaries too.

I would definitely speak to gp about getting some support with his challenging behaviour. I agree with others about looking at his diet, exercise and screen time in case there's anything you think might help.

I struggle with my ds' behaviour sometimes. He is 10, and has learning difficulties, developmental delays and ADHD. Sometimes I still need to sit him for a time out when he's not behaving. He was being really rude in a cafe at a zoo recently. Demanding and moaning about everything on the menu not being what he wanted. I walked him over to a bench, and he was calling me a dick head on the way over. I ignored him, and sat him there on his own for 10 minutes, whilst I went back and sat with my family and kept an eye on him from a distance. After 10 minutes I went back over to see if he wanted to apologise for his behaviour, and come and sit down nicely. He did.

The break did him good and reset him a little, and I definitely needed the break from his behaviour!

Being outdoors where he can be a bit loud and make noise definitely helps him and me. It's not really any good me taking him to places like museums, where he's expected to be quiet and behave. We went on a long walk yesterday, and my bf held my hand and helped me to ignore ds' whinging and complaining. Nothing but the wind, focus on where you're going he said. DS ended up jogging ahead a little and in his own little world, and it ended up being much more pleasant that giving his whinging and moaning any attention.

Any way, we all snap from time to time. You're only human, but just try to learn from your experience and not make a habit of it.

I was going to say Tourettes but didnt want to scare you
But now its been said,
I think it very much sounds like Tourette's

You’ve said twice OP that you think he can’t help his behaviour. And the teacher has already raised his behaviour with you. Is there a SENCO at the school you could talk to about your concerns, get some advice as a first step?

Sounds like you should have done it a long time ago.