To have screamed at my son?

[Hastilymadeupname]

Obviously this is unreasonable, but wondered if it’s understandable at all? Or am I just a psycho?

My DS (9) is very loud, always shouting out rude words, repeating phrases and general yelling. He has to be told off numerous times before he stops bad behaviour.

I’ve had a whole holiday of him behaving like a dick on day trips- I’m constantly reprimanding him which he ignores, so then he gets told off by staff in museums etc.

I’m frazzled and there’s still another week before he goes back to school.

The more I do for him, the more ungrateful he seems to be.

Today I screamed at him to f*ing shut up. I just snapped. He was actually taken aback and was upset. I feel awful.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I worry I’m a total psycho and I totally over reacted to what is typical childhood behaviour.

I’m worry that I’m messing him up.

Does this cause lasting damage? Am I unreasonable? Or does anyone else lose it like this?

OP you sound absolutely knackered. Don’t beat yourself up about this, we all fuck up and lose our rag. But this can’t go on - he has to start treating you with more respect.

You've said you don't think he can help it. That's exactly how I felt about my sons behaviour when I started questioning ADHD.
For what it's worth it's much better to be 'labelled' with ADHD (or Tourette's etc) than be completely misunderstood and labelled 'annoying', 'naughty', 'rude' or 'lazy'.
Having a diagnosis (well 3 now) has helped my son so much. He understands why he finds things difficult and doesn't beat himself up like he used to. It's also helped me - I get less frustrated knowing he can't always help his behaviour.
Mostly he is a joy but I am most stressed out and about in public where there's lots of people. Going to a restaurant is hell as he can't sit still and is jumping around/shouting etc. So we naturally spend more time at home.
Even then I have lost my shit occasionally and shouted. Everyone has their limits. I try my best and start a fresh everyday.

@girlmom21 well to an extent... you cannot get ADHD meds without a diagnosis. Also if she doesn't know what is the underlying cause, how will OP know what therapies etc to focus on?

My point was really that things CAN be done to support her child's behaviour.

I also agree that I’m probably not handling his behaviour well. think I need to be much more organised with boundaries and consequences. I tend to threaten screen bans etc, but rarely follow through

This might not be helping tbh.

I'm a bit guilty of the same so I do get it.

Maybe decide ahead of time on more logical consequences you feel confident about putting into place, and actually enforce them, some kids do much better with clear boundaries.

Obviously it’s not ideal but I’m impressed it’s taken you 9 years given his behaviour

@Hastilymadeupname

Thanks for all your responses.

So much good advice here and a range of views. It’s really appreciated!

I think I’ll get him assessed for ADHD. It would certainly explain his behaviour.

Have always been a bit wary about labelling unruly kids with ADHD, but at least I’ll know one way or another.

I also agree that I’m probably not handling his behaviour well. think I need to be much more organised with boundaries and consequences. I tend to threaten screen bans etc, but rarely follow through.

I apologised to him for shouting, but explained why his behaviour upsets me so much. I think he understands and he’s been much better today.

Can’t wait until school starts up again though! 😂

It's not great of course, but it is understandable. You're human and as a one off you should give yourself a pass on that. You can use this to motivate you to find a way to set him and you up for success in future.

I've been there with the no screen time threats, what I've learnt, don't decide the consequence in the moment and don't threaten things you won't carry through. Out somewhere, the consequence if he's being that disruptive is to go home. Two warnings and you're out. Firm boundaries, talk about the consequences before you go or on way to the destination, when you're both calm and follow through.

It can take a long time to get an assessment done so I'd go on the waiting list asap. If the behaviour resolves over time with firm boundaries and follow through on consequences then you don't need to actually do the assessment. One of my Autistic DC is very similar to your DS, that might be something worth considering too. The behaviour comes from a different place, driven by overwhelm and sensory challenges, though impulsivity can be an issue in ASD to, he copes a lot better if we do less and shorter outings, go to places that aren't too busy or too noisy. Also sleep is really important. It's much harder for children to regulate when they're tired or overwhelmed. Ditto for you. You could start noting down his triggers, what works, what doesn't, if there's a certain amount of time he is fine on an outing, when the impulsive behaviour starts. This will be helpful if you end up getting an assessment too.

You could also look into something likes Zones of Regulation or how does my engine run. Their are parent resources out there so you can start working on regulation, it's slow work and if it is ADHD it might not help, but it's more information and you might see some good change over time.

[quote Tigofigo]@girlmom21 well to an extent... you cannot get ADHD meds without a diagnosis. Also if she doesn't know what is the underlying cause, how will OP know what therapies etc to focus on?

My point was really that things CAN be done to support her child's behaviour.[/quote]
You don't need 'therapies' to work on your own parenting skills regardless of ADHD, or suspected ADHD.

OP ignore @girlmom21 you sound like an excellent parent who snapped once and now realise this. You will not have traumatised him and it sounds like you’ve had a nice day since. I agree with others that it sounds like there may be something going on which needs looking into- for my DD when I realised that she really couldn’t help it was when we started getting more help (she has since been diagnosed with ADHD). I was a parent on a school trip and a few of the kids were really overexcited, with the others after a couple of minor tellings off they instantly switched and their behaviour was fine, but my DD needed 10 minutes of quiet time before she could do the same. Keep doing what you’re doing but definitely do look into a proper assessment as it will really help your DS’s own understanding and stop him being labelled “the naughty one” by parents with NT children, who just don’t get it.

Why ignore me when she's admitted she doesn't handle things the best @Heronwatcher? I'm only saying the same as OP herself.

Very strange.

I haven't labelled him as naughty at all..

My 8 yo DS gets like that, so I tell him that's it, he can have a few days at home. If he's like that at home then he gets a screen detox. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, he needs to learn to bloody listen.

Great idea to enforce a screen detox. My DS is 8 and often displays this "yampy" behavior when he has been on YouTube for too long. He also pushes his limits when his friends are here. I don't allow swearing but he has sworn a couple of times in front of them. I try hard to not use bad language around him so saying "f**ing shut up" to him wouldn't be acceptable imo but I can see how easy it is to just blurt it out as bad language is used so freely now. He's bound to pick it up.

Agree kids are hard work and it never gets easier but just changes with the phases they go through. When pushed to the limit I would scream at him too so YANBU. Don't worry!

You do need to discipline him. Why are you being so hard on yourself. Sorry, OP, but you sound like you let it get to this without the discipline and now are feeling bad about shouting.

For what it's worth it's much better to be 'labelled' with ADHD (or Tourette's etc) than be completely misunderstood and labelled 'annoying', 'naughty', 'rude' or 'lazy'.

Fully agree here. If you know what you're working with, it's so much easier for parent and child to detach from exhausting traits and just figure out what strategies work.

Even in childhood, my traits were disorganisation, emotional control issues, really flying when something interested me but falling apart if it didn't, latching on to a thought and not being able to let it go, impulsiveness, and social awkwardness. I was a loveable, but difficult kid, and the labels that found me instead of ADHD really did a number on my self-esteem. Self compassion as an adult wasn't truly enabled until a psychiatrist helped me connect the dots at age 36. And then the right medicine helped balance my dopamine levels, and a few different online support communities helped me develop some better coping strategies (the last part is still a work in progress).

Until then, as far as boundaries and consequences go, I've found our consequences don't have to be that long to be effective. Like, if I'm dreading the idea of enforcing a whole week's screen ban because of potentially making more work for myself (it often spirals into "Mummy entertain me"), I've found that just two days can often be effective enough.

Which is a long way to say: set consequences that you know are achievable for you to remain firm on. It's the follow-through that matters more than the length. You do it in a way that works for you both.

You sound like a lovely and engaged mum.

Do you tell him what behaviour you expect? Particularly on a day out?

I know it sounds simple but sometimes we forget that teenagers don't know how inappropriate their behaviour is.

DS1 can often go into sensory overwhelm and I went to the GP after a particularly trying summer holidays when he was 7. His ASD diagnosis was made about 15m later, but by being open to him being ND, and piecing together triggers and adapting the way I managed him, it did make things better for us both even before the diagnosis was made.

We pace holidays carefully. They're not action packed, and a bigger day out is buffered by more restful days. Giving advance notice about what we will do and expectations also helps.

You don't need 'therapies' to work on your own parenting skills regardless of ADHD, or suspected ADHD.

Um ok @girlmom21, no one said this though?

Maybe that's why the other poster told OP to ignore you?

I found 9 to be thr most dififficult age of all in my boys. This too shall pass!

I agree they sometimes need a bit of a shock to make them realise what they’re doing, particularly if they’re regularly reprimanded more gently as it probably loses its impact.
DS1 gets carsick and one year, when he was 2, we were 20 minutes in to 25hrs driving home from holiday (over 2 days) and DS1 was sick - obviously wasn’t able to use a bucket/bag and it went everywhere. We stopped in a lay-by to clean up as best we could. When we were ready to set off again DSD1 (then 14 and going through a difficult phase) refused to get back in the car and walked off. No reasoned argument was persuading her that she didn’t really have a choice and DH lost his temper and yelled ‘don’t be so fucking stupid’ at her. That is absolutely NOT the way either of us normally handle(d) her behaviour, but on this occasion it worked.
Before I get the MN step parent pile on, DSD1 and I get on very well. She came to stay over Easter and one night she (now 21) and I sat up until 4am, after DH had gone to bed, drinking and chatting, which hopefully demonstrates we have a good relationship!

I think he’s this badly behaved because there are no consequences, I would end the day out and follow through on punishment first before jumping to ADHD or anything else. Some kids are just naughty because they’re allowed to get away with it.

There needs to be boundaries and consequences first, surely?

If he does not behave, you leave.
If you threaten a consequence, you follow through.
There is no reason or need for him to behave otherwise. 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP,

This sounds exactly like how my brother used to behave, he has ADHD and mild tourettes that would lead to him shouting randomly or just always making noise.

It's possibly worth seeking advice from your GP. If there is something underlying at least you can have the right support both for you and for him.

Praise him for the positive behaviour you see, even if it's something tiny. Praise him. Focus on the positives.