To have screamed at my son?

[Hastilymadeupname]

Obviously this is unreasonable, but wondered if it’s understandable at all? Or am I just a psycho?

My DS (9) is very loud, always shouting out rude words, repeating phrases and general yelling. He has to be told off numerous times before he stops bad behaviour.

I’ve had a whole holiday of him behaving like a dick on day trips- I’m constantly reprimanding him which he ignores, so then he gets told off by staff in museums etc.

I’m frazzled and there’s still another week before he goes back to school.

The more I do for him, the more ungrateful he seems to be.

Today I screamed at him to f*ing shut up. I just snapped. He was actually taken aback and was upset. I feel awful.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I worry I’m a total psycho and I totally over reacted to what is typical childhood behaviour.

I’m worry that I’m messing him up.

Does this cause lasting damage? Am I unreasonable? Or does anyone else lose it like this?

I have snapped this badly once but worse as it was at a 3yo. It was during the worst but of lockdown where we could only go out for an hour a day and I was heavily pregnant and also trying to work/manage a whole load of other stuff, but it's no excuse.

It happens. You won't let it happen again as it's upset you as well as him. Apologise for snapping, admit you were wrong to shout and repair the relationship.

As for his behaviour, I don't know 9yo normal yet but other PPs have suggested ADHD and other issues around neurodiversity.

Definitely speak to the school. If you need to, go immediately beyond the classroom teacher. S/he sounds unhelpful - labelling a child as "annoying" rather than seeking out the root of the behaviour isn't going to support you or your child. Agree you should speak to the SENCO.

Other than repeatedly telling him off which it seems doesn't work, what have you done in the last several years to address this issue?

Have you tried any different forms of consequences?

I was going to say Tourette’s as well. I think you need to get him properly assessed. You’re not a bad person, kids can be really challenging and one with extra needs even more so. Good luck.

FFS not every child who behaves badly and is annoying does so because they have a medical problem.

OP maybe losing your temper is what he needed. Now he can see that he's driving you mad he might stop behaving so badly.

For goodness sake shouting at your child occasionally isn't going to traumatize them!!! Sounds like he need his treats/games/tv taken away until he shows respect. I would never ever tolerate my children swearing especially when out.

I agree it's worth getting checked out, but I wouldn't give too much weight to armchair diagnoses, plenty of 9 year olds have challenging behaviour without underlying conditions. I'm not surprised you snapped, of course it's not ideal but as a one off and not a wider pattern of behaviour he will be fine. I suspect being told off for his actions was surprising more than him being super offended, even if he does have more going on boundaries are important for both of you.

Maybe he behaves in ways which annoy you and his teachers precisely because he's never faced any real consequences until now?

I'd have lost it. Probably much sooner than you did.

Regardless of the behaviour I’d be raging if a teacher described my child as “annoying”. It’s not helpful, it’s not supportive and all the teacher has done is simply give away their clear dislike of the child.

@ColdSeptember

FFS not every child who behaves badly and is annoying does so because they have a medical problem.

OP maybe losing your temper is what he needed. Now he can see that he's driving you mad he might stop behaving so badly.

No, of course they aren't.

But it's worth looking into whether it needs excluding in certain situations.

The advice about getting him assessed is good, but you need to get through this week. I wouldn't stop going out straight away... Sort of.

Sit him down this morning and talk about his behaviour. What is difficult/annoying and what is unacceptable. Get him to work on it with you and tell you how he would feel if he was the parent. Make a list that he can see.

Explain that you don't want to shout again. So if he does any of the unacceptable behaviour while you're out in public, you will immediately go home. Then arrange to go out every day this week and follow through. No getting cross, just "ok darling, I can see you're struggling with your behaviour so we're going home". Every time. If they're trips he wants to go on and he has any control, you should see a difference by the end of the week.

Get him to suggest consequences for bad behaviour at home. If he is part of the decision making process, he's more likely to accept the consequence when they happen.

Good luck.

A few things

1. not everything is ADHD. Some children are just high energy or obstinate
2. yes of course YABVU for telling him to shut up and for swearing
3. does he have siblings? If not it’s a bit easier to implement that he gets 3 warnings re going home in increasingly cross tones and then your just leave. No matter how annoying or inconvenient.
4. our paedatrician said the point you get a behaviourist involved is when you can no longer cope/the school have said something - sounds like you’re at that place .

@Hastilymadeupname

Obviously this is unreasonable, but wondered if it’s understandable at all? Or am I just a psycho?

My DS (9) is very loud, always shouting out rude words, repeating phrases and general yelling. He has to be told off numerous times before he stops bad behaviour.

I’ve had a whole holiday of him behaving like a dick on day trips- I’m constantly reprimanding him which he ignores, so then he gets told off by staff in museums etc.

I’m frazzled and there’s still another week before he goes back to school.

The more I do for him, the more ungrateful he seems to be.

Today I screamed at him to f*ing shut up. I just snapped. He was actually taken aback and was upset. I feel awful.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I worry I’m a total psycho and I totally over reacted to what is typical childhood behaviour.

I’m worry that I’m messing him up.

Does this cause lasting damage? Am I unreasonable? Or does anyone else lose it like this?

If you think that there are any perfect parents out there who keep their cool 100% of the time then I have the proverbial 'bridge' to sell you.

How many trips have you done in a week? Could he be overexcited and overwhelmed?

Maybe a couple of calm days at home is what he needs.

You need to start being stricter with him. He's old enough to understand how to behave in public - even if he does have ADHD or Tourette's or both. Take him home if he's ruining the activity for others. You can get him diagnosed but that won't improve his behaviour.

I've never in my life seen museum staff step in to tell a child off so for this to happen repeatedly he must be pretty bad.

If you think that there are any perfect parents out there who keep their cool 100% of the time then I have the proverbial 'bridge' to sell you

Yes but swearing and saying shut up are not ok. It would be perfectly reasonable for OP to sit down with her son and apologise for her language and telling him
To shut up, explain that adults have limits and she had enough of his behaviour/reacted poorly. Then she can explain the activities today are cancelled due to his behaviour, and in future they will return home after 3 warnings etc

Hmm... my 5 year old DD sounds a bit like your 9 year-old DS just now (and she's the one who pushes me to the end of my tether the fastest... you're definitely not the only parent who's lost her shit and screamed "shut up"). But the preschool staff tell me she's excellent with them.

My 8 year-old DD was also harder work for me at at 5. Staff needed to step in sometimes when she ignored me too, which surprised her, because she tended to take adults literally when they'd fake a smile say "it's fine" (and to this day, I still wish adults would stop doing this, because it doesn't help!).

But 8 year-old DD has chilled out a lot since then and seems to have a much better understanding of how her behavior can affect other people.

I would ask about assessment. Conditions like ADHD in some kids can look almost like slower maturity or a delay in development when it comes to behavior (I say that having an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood). I think the repetition of words thing (perseverating?) can sometimes cross into ADHD territory too.

At home, I've found it helps me to think about discipline in terms of my boundaries. What boundaries of mine do I have the energy to enforce? What boundaries do I insist my girls respect? That sometimes helps me maintain composure, because we're all allowed to have boundaries. If I think of behavior management in terms of my parenting skills, it's easy for me to feel discouraged and attacked. Whereas, if I'm enforcing a boundary, I'm just making sure we can all live together in the same house.

If I've had a moment to cool down, I try to explain clearly to my girls (especially DD2) why I'm angry and lost it. I apologise for losing my shit, but I also state clearly what I didn't like about their behavior, and I try not to let them off the hook about shouting/whining/ignoring me/whatever. It hasn't instantly fixed the boundary testing, but at least they get the message that their behavior affects other people (and me too).

If their behavior is really crap, a TV and device ban for several days really has helped. Sometimes, I lose track of how much stimulation they're actually getting, and set myself up for failure. A screen ban has been a useful chance to reset.

You’re at the end of your tether and you lost your patience! Yanbu at all! As other posters have suggested, it could be ADHD.

FFS not every child who behaves badly and is annoying does so because they have a medical problem

No, but it does need to be investigated. If it's not a medical reason, there's a psychological one behind this behaviour and OP needs to get out sorted.

Well obviously it wasn't good, and you should try very hard not to react like that in future, but it sounds like you were at the end of your tether. Use that as a caralyst to get to the bottom of this, because his behaviour is not normal and it sounds as if his teachers are maybe at the end of their tethers with him too!

Explain to him exactly how his behaviour needs to change. Put clear consequences in place - no trip out if he's been misbehaving etc. Praise and good consequences when he's been good. If after a while of this he hasn't improved and you conclude he really can't help it, then look into getting him assessed.

Repeating phrases jumped out at me. That can be a verbal stim that's common in autism. I do it myself. I find saying the phrases helps me to cope with emotions.

You can get him diagnosed but that won't improve his behaviour.

A diagnosis itself won't improve behaviour but:

A sensory diet might
Meds might
Supplements might
Therapy might
New parenting approaches relevant to the diagnosis might
Understanding him better might

@ColdSeptember

Maybe he behaves in ways which annoy you and his teachers precisely because he's never faced any real consequences until now?

This with bells on. Do bear in mind that if this behaviour (whatever the cause) continues, he risks annoying the wrong person.

@Tigofigo

You can get him diagnosed but that won't improve his behaviour.

A diagnosis itself won't improve behaviour but:

A sensory diet might
Meds might
Supplements might
Therapy might
New parenting approaches relevant to the diagnosis might
Understanding him better might

She can try all of those things while awaiting a diagnosis - especially if she suspects she knows what conditions he has. It's silly not to.

Thanks for all your responses.

So much good advice here and a range of views. It’s really appreciated!

I think I’ll get him assessed for ADHD. It would certainly explain his behaviour.

Have always been a bit wary about labelling unruly kids with ADHD, but at least I’ll know one way or another.

I also agree that I’m probably not handling his behaviour well. think I need to be much more organised with boundaries and consequences. I tend to threaten screen bans etc, but rarely follow through.

I apologised to him for shouting, but explained why his behaviour upsets me so much. I think he understands and he’s been much better today.

Can’t wait until school starts up again though! 😂

Re your follow through comment - just to say if you follow through 2/3 times they get the message pretty damn quickly and your threats will be far more effective so it’s definitely worth the pain!