To ask what makes a child popular?

[jetsndeill]

My daughter and niece are in the same class. My daughter is really struggling making and keeping friends, fall outs all the time. My niece has lots of friends, boys and girls, and although there are fall outs, she doesn't get upset like my daughter and the next day it seems to be forgotten.

I think my daughter and niece are quite similar so can't understand why niece is popular but my daughter is not. It breaks my heart to be honest.

Confidence
Good looking
Athletic

Depends on the person. But confidence and putting themselves out there for sure.

Chatty confident outgoing, whilst you may think she’s all those things she could Be acting different in school vs at home

Being kind and genuinely caring about others feelings but it’s probably relevant how old your dd’s are because this matters more (sadly) when children are younger than when they hit teenage years…

It also sounds like your dd is more sensitive so takes things more to heart and fall outs will impact her more than your niece whose able to let go and move on and therefore sustain friendships more easily?

Self- confidence.
Being good at things but not in your face about it.
Being easy going and welcoming to others but not letting others walk all over you.
Not holding grudges and staying out of dramas.
These are just a mix of attributes from both my Dds. They have been lucky enough to be ok socially so far despite being very different people.
Sometimes it’s about who else is involved!

Easygoing and jokey. Doesn't take themselves seriously. A good listener.

This is what I've observed from popular kids.

My DS is smallish, okay looking, sporty but no the strongest or fastest and has tons of friends and makes friends easily. He’s kind, sensitive, a bit shy a times, and funny. He’s very good at including other kids in games.
It’s not always the biggest, loudest, prettiest or good looking, or sporty kid who’s popular.
He’s doesn’t do drama or cliques.

When I was at school, the popular kids were good looking, sporty and heavily followed trends.

DD has a friend, who I love. Ballsy, sporty, brave kid - but winds other kids up no end. Too dramatic,Always has to ‘win’ and is a bit of a tell-tale. Kids don’t always warm to kids who are dramatic and not good listeners.

Easy going in primary school seems to be a big one. Good looking (studies have shown that this is a factor in children as young as 4). Funny.

I was a v popular child at school but funnily enough I just put on an easy going act and secretly was quite introverted. I hated conflict which meant no fall outs and lots of kids wanted to hang out with me. As an adult I have about 2 friends! But lots of people still make overtures.

I think what I'm saying is - being popular might be because the child is pretending to be cool with everyone and everything but secretly not loving it all that much.

Watching my DD and her friends interact I'd also say that being needy and or controlling is a big blocker to making friends.

To be well socialised a child of 4 yo should already be taking turns and not needing to win all the time or get upset over losing etc. This can have a big effect so work on these things discussing and processing the feelings to ensure she is one right path.
Now instead of wishing your daughter to be someone she is not STOP ✋ she will sense your disappointment. Tell your daughter you love her just the way she is and tell her a few good concrete things she does well. You will start to build her confidence and this will reflect in friendships etc.

I think not too opinionated.

I regret to say in this day and age the answer to this question differs significantly according to whether the child is male or female.
Male: confident but easy going, relaxed, able to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously, sporty
Female: pretty, compliant, prepared to take a back seat when the boys are holding court

It hasn't changed much since i was at primary school. And its the main reason I was adamant that I wanted a single sex school for my DD. Boys crush girls' self-confidence from the getgo.

My dd makes an effort with all the kids. Is very helpful and kind. Doesn't get into any drama.

That does sound difficult to witness, sorry OP.

I think finding it easy to connect with others and an ease of being make a child popular. This speaks to what you are saying about your niece not being upset by fall outs. It’s not high stakes to her.

Please do bear in mind that the vast majority of kids who aren’t popular and don’t find social interaction very easy go on to find their tribe and have lasting and meaningful friendships and good working relationships etc. What you are describing in your daughter is not at all uncommon.

Hmmm I'm not sure I agree. I think if you are empathetic and care about people and out yourself out for others you are less likely tk be popular.

The popular ones are the ones who put themselves first, assertive, look good and care about trends, drop people when they don't fit

That isnt always something to aim for!

Charisma. I don’t believe there’s one easily emulated or easily definable quality, but a combination that work together in the particular environment the person in question exists within.

Confidence, a sense of humour, just being one of those kids that is exciting/fun to be around. My best friend was like that when we were at school, I adored her (and still do).

i think it’s pretty much inherent to each kid how well they are liked or how well they fit in. I have boys, maybe it’s different with girls. My eldest is well liked but seems to think all his mates are cunts. There’s no explaining it. I’m sure he’ll be fine though.

My ds8 has always been a popular kid.

A few reasons are that he’s very friendly and he adapts well to different types of people and can mirror them well. My only worry about this is that he loses himself a bit but so far he’s got a large friendship group at school - with older and younger children as well as his peers. He’s got lots of friends at football. He started a new swimming class and came out with a new pal at the end of his first lesson. He is very inclusive as well.

even back to nursery he was always called kind and helpful and I think people are just drawn to it.

Interesting about being good looking. He’s quite a striking looking boy as is his brother and they stand out. (not me who says this I should add)

althiugh my aforementioned younger DS isn’t the same. He’s much more reserved and thinks a lot about what he wants to do and who he spends time with. I don’t think he has as many friends.

Funny people of all ages attract positive attention. People who are serious tend not to. It's sad that anxiety or nervousness make it difficult to be funny.

This is what my dd is like too.

I have twins and separated them in school because I didn’t want them to feel responsible for the other and for them to make friends.
Maybe the girls take up expected ‘roles’ in school?
Or maybe your DD sees her cousin as her friend and cont understand why she isn’t so much in school?
Maybe your DD sees a change in the relationship where she’s good enough at home but not good enough in school?

Confident
Funny
Kind

Playing fun games / inventive
Not too clingy / needy
Not too bossy & domineering
Sense of humour