To ask what makes a child popular?

[jetsndeill]

My daughter and niece are in the same class. My daughter is really struggling making and keeping friends, fall outs all the time. My niece has lots of friends, boys and girls, and although there are fall outs, she doesn't get upset like my daughter and the next day it seems to be forgotten.

I think my daughter and niece are quite similar so can't understand why niece is popular but my daughter is not. It breaks my heart to be honest.

Friendly, joining in with everyone, not bossy, humour, kind, ...going by dd who 6 and her friends..she loads....kind and caring about friends being the most important bit....

sometimes inclined to create a sense of aspiration around themselves by excluding other children at various times.

Sounds ghastly

Agree. I really think we need to move away from telling our children that being nice will make them popular. It has very little to do with it and just makes unpopular children think it's their fault and they should try harder (which ironically is likely to achieve the opposite.) We should be telling them it doesn't matter.

Kind, stands for what is right, sticks up for the underdog, doesn't het involved in drama, sporty but not bragging about achievements. Bit of a class clown

Easy going, funny, cool and good looking

Complicated. Being good looking, sporty and rich all help as does fitting in with whatever the school's prevalent ethos is.

Being kind helps too - but the thing is it's much easier to be kind and generous when everyone wants to play with you and you're a fixture on the rainbow in the behaviour chart. If you're alone every playtime and the only kid on the 'can do better' black cloud, it's going to be hard to be full of the milk of human kindness.

There are a lot of good kids trying their best who don't have friends.

This makes me so sad reading this. My dd10 is autistic and doesn't have any of the qualities to make her popular. Guess she's destined to be alone.

Friendly. Listens. Takes turns. Not a show off. Not always dominating conversation. Picks up on social cues eg not droning on about niche or inappropriate topics. Not silly and getting into trouble. Not a tell tale. They don’t need to be loud or chatty to be popular.

Of course she'll make friends. School is a really hard environment even for the average child. Imagine being surrounded by people every day that you don't have very much in common with and don't share your life goals. Once she grows up, goes to uni, and figures out who she is and what she enjoys doing she will make friends who share her interests.

One thing I notice in my class, is that the kids who make friends easily are self aware even from a young age. They make judgements about people who they will get on best with and aren't trying to fit in with a particular type of person.

I find popularity is a weird concept. I was really shy and nerdy at school but I had just as many friends as the people who were perceived as popular - it was just different.

Do school help with social skills. Is she a member of any groups outside school eg girlguides that might help her make friends.

I was quite a popular child, still have the same friends from school. I wasn’t attractive as such (not ugly though, just normal I guess) but I’m very chatty, can talk to anyone, compassionate, supporting. I have a lot of friends even now in my mid 40’s. I have 3 children and I’d say only the middle child is popular, mainly due to being sporty and he also chats to anyone. Others are more reserved / shy.

It's interesting how many people want to ascribe kindness/nice traits to the popular kids.

From teaching experience and from every teen drama ever/movie. It really often isn't this. The "popular" types wouldn't be seen dead, so to speak, with "uncool" types and have a strict in/outcrowd thing going on. Popular types care about being in fashion or trends or being seen to be cool. They know they're great and often are the ones who are a bit entitled.

Rarely the ones with complicated homelife/ have to strive to fit in or genuinely empathetic.

I am amazed so many are seeing this as a positive.

It's a funny thing - at the end of the school year when we ask the children to write down 4 friends who they might hope to be with in a class next year, it's often the slightly awkward kid who makes it onto more lists than anyone.

This is so true. The “prettiest” one in my primary class, wasn’t truly pretty or beautiful. I saw this even aged 10! Instead, she was very loved (by her adoptive parents) and a great confidence in herself came from this. Plus, she always had great hair and clothes; ie the superficial stuff.

I was moderately popular, even though (and I’d only say this on an anon site!) I had a really beautiful face/body (i modelled). But I mostly had crap unfashionable clothes, and was constantly put down by my mum (who was a jealous and angry woman), and I really lacked the confidence I might have had, had my mum been normal/nice.

The popular “babe” mum at my kids primary is likewise honestly not “bone structure/facial structure” beautiful. In fact, objectively, she’s actually got a rather ugly and unbalanced face. BUT again, superficially everything is wonderful. Perfect hair, great clothes, thin, white teeth, and ultra confident! She’s also very sociably intelligent — says the right things, is a good host, etc.

so, what makes a child popular? Feeling good about themselves must play a big part. It’s probably true for adults too! Superficial stuff, like nice clothes and hair helps - perhaps because it reflects the fact that you feel good (or tells the world you feel good). But ultimately, a confident, happy person, with self belief, tends to be attractive and thus popular. My children have loads of pals, they are all self confident, but thoughtful, playful, kind, and yes — NO DRAMA!

To add one more thing to the mix, at my secondary there was a little clique of “popular” girls, with its own queen bee. She was certainly beautiful with great clothes, and physically mature, sharp tongue, cool. Everyone was in her awe. She’d have been voted class most popular at the start. But she was also a bit of a bully/a frenemy type, and by year 11, everyone had got wise to her, and she was pretty much friendless.

You say they are the same but I think they can't be that alike in some ways.

Popular people are usually leaders, upbeat people and just generally happy to take charge

My daughters weren't "popular" at school but always had friends. They are both clever, I would say pretty and funny eldest was sporty. They are both kind and thoughtful. They also don't follow crowds and are confident to be themselves.
The popular girls at my school weren't nice, spent time putting down others and weren't the prettiest either. Some of the most popular girls were vile tbh.
I would spend more time encouraging your daughter to be herself and find a few close friends. Better than a few good, real friends than loads of false ones who don't know or accept the real child.

Also please don't assume I'm saying all popular kids are unkind or horrid, that was my experience from a rather horrid school that was in a bad area.
I now work in a school and the popular kids where I work are often lovely, sporty and born leaders. They are confident and happy kids who know what they want

My son has moved school a few times but is always very popular. It’s easier for boys perhaps but the things that make him popular are

• he’s always kind. Would never occur to him to make a nasty remark about a classmate and if someone else does, he says “that’s not very nice”and changes the subject.
• he’s a joker. Doesn’t take anything seriously. His silliness and playfulness is endless.
• he isn’t competitive except with himself. If someone else beats him at something, he really doesn’t care.
• When others argue, he’s very good at saying “oh well who cares, let’s move on.” Groups he’s in work well together.
• he doesn’t let others manipulate him or follow a crowd. He’s happy in his own company and if everyone else wants to do something be doesn’t, he’ll just go for a wander on his own rather than be pressured into joining in. Others seem to find this quality attractive.

I think sometimes it's also the friendship mix. If you're surrounded with bitchiness or people who are bullies then even the most confident person might not be popular.

I wasn't popular at school but my daughter is. She is tall and lovely looking. She is very chatty and engaging. She genuinely is interested in others.

My DD who is actually quite shy and reserved seems to be really popular among her reception class, albeit they’ve only just started school. I actually think it could be as simple as that she’s very tall for her age. A lot of young children gravitate towards / admire children a bit older than them, and mine gives off a slightly older vibe even though she’s the same age. She’s made friends who are in year 1 through after school club and some of the others in reception seem to think this the height of cool.

Do your DD and Niece get on as friends? (as well as being relatives)

Reason I ask was that when I was a young teen I had to go and live with my aunt's family. I had a female cousin the same age as me and I ended up being in her class. We always got on well out of school but she had her own friends & I wasn't invited to join them and I wouldn't ask as I didn't feel comfortable or confident doing that. It's like she compartmentalised friends from family. Not in a nasty exclusive way, either. We still get on well now. I might ask her!