To ask what makes a child popular?

[jetsndeill]

My daughter and niece are in the same class. My daughter is really struggling making and keeping friends, fall outs all the time. My niece has lots of friends, boys and girls, and although there are fall outs, she doesn't get upset like my daughter and the next day it seems to be forgotten.

I think my daughter and niece are quite similar so can't understand why niece is popular but my daughter is not. It breaks my heart to be honest.

My DS10 is naturally popular. He's very cute looking with a baby face, athletic, adventurous, and kind - tries to include others, etc. I worry about him caring too much about what others think and being influenced by them to fit in. But I overthink things.

I wasn't at all as a child (I'm good now but ironically have realised I don't like people that much) My DS13 wasn't while at primary as he didn't fit in and isn't easygoing at all. He's at an all boys secondary and is doing much better socially as the qualities that made him unpopular in primary are working for him now. I have always encouraged him to be himself.

God help the shy, awkward, unattractive kids then 🙄

I think shyer kids can be confident, at least, an inner solid confidence. One of mine is like this.

The usual criteria :

Confident
Includes people
Funny
Good at games I. E. Makes stuff fun and enjoyable
Good looking

And it's very difficult to teach that at an early age. It really is raw personality

I have twins and separated them in school because I didn’t want them to feel responsible for the other and for them to make friends

^

For the sake of the thread, how do they fare in the popularity stakes?

It changes at different ages.

In young kids, being kind, and having good emotional regulation skills count for a lot.

With girls, it’s important, as they get older, to demonstrate proof of friendship regularly. Failing to say hello, or to smile or to follow up on conversations can trigger angst and worry that there’s something wrong.

In young teens, having the same clothes etc as the peer group matters more than it ever will at any other stage of life.

There are stages where the friendship groups naturally contract into smaller knots if best friends, and then into cliques.

Boys seem to go through a longer period of playing alongside each other. Sport has massive social currency and a lot of socialising is done online.

There are different ways of being friends and being a popular extrovert is only one way among many. Kids tend to find other kids that are like them so be open minded about that.

But throughout life, emotional regulation is a significant predictor of friendship. And by the sounds of it that’s what your dd needs some help with.

This is just social development.
Maybe your niece will be the type of person who has lots of superficial relationships and your dd will end up with a few close friendships. Maybe your niece will be a passive person who never stands out and your dd will challenge others and assert herself. People are just different.

@lollipoprainbow

the OP specifically asked about what makes children popular and people have answered. No one has said anything about there being anything wrong with shy and awkward people. Plus attractiveness is subjective so whilst it might help it’s difficult to say that it definitely helps

@Daydreamreve I know but it's awful that in order to be popular you have to be pretty and confident.

@lollipoprainbow i don’t necessarily think you have to be pretty but I do think confidence and the ability to adapt to different kinds of people is part of what makes people popular. No point being offended by it, it is what it is. They’re not doing anything wrong when it’s their personality.

Being kind and genuinely caring about others feelings

Really? The ones who were popular in my primary school were really bitchy. Goodness knows why everyone wanted to be their friends. Queen Bee, Alpha females? even now it's a mystery.

At secondary the ones who were popular were the sporty ones.

Your description suggests that the difference may be less about making friends, and more about reacting to fall-outs.
Some girls seem to set great store by having a "best friend", which means that a fall-out is a bigger deal. The fall-outs also happen more easily if either child is too possessive about the friendship.
It sounds as if your niece may be more relaxed about things - but of course that may be because she has a wider group she gets on with to start with.

The popular kids were sporty and confident plus being a protagonist. DS came back from his training, all been there 2 months and he told me who he had in the World Cup sweepstake, of course he had arranged it.

When I was at school, half a lifetime ago it was confidence 100%. So those who thought they were amazing had everyone believing it. Certain girls who were always mentioned as the 'pretty ones' were actually really plain looking back, but it was their self-belief that had others thinking they were!

And as adults I feel it's easier to see a lot of that confidence is just false, and underneath it is often insecurities

I think there can be an element of luck, my ds, not popular at primary, a year later in secondary, different groups of people, really popular.

My youngest daughter is very well liked in her class and her clubs, what I will say about her is she is extremely kind hearted and very caring, she’s not loud or anything but she will always go out her way to be kind to other children who are sitting by themselves in the playground etc. her twin brother on the other hand is a argumentative, opinionated and has a small group of friends but he’s not nasty in anyway, he just can’t be bothered with people who don’t like the things he does 🙈

Nice looking, the 'right' clothes and assessories, great birthday parties, a home other kids want to visit either for the amenities or the fun to be had there.
Personality wise, very confident, taking the lead in things, making people laugh, creating fun for others and (unfortunately) sometimes inclined to create a sense of aspiration around themselves by excluding other children at various times.
I really wouldn't worry though. Popularity is being in demand for what you're percieved to offer. It's not the same as being liked or making genuine and lasting friendships.

Being nice looking and smiley.

One of my DC is quite popular. She is confident and funny but more than that, she just doesn't let much get to her. On the odd occasion something does bother her she doesn't let on that it does.

Teflon coated ego that one!

Personality. But don’t try to change your daughter’s because personality is driven by genetics, there’s not much you can do about it so try not to worry about it.

In this instance, probably you comparing her to her cousin.

This, sadly.

@Petronus I agree, I think there is an element of luck. Same happened with my DC.