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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being insulted here!

54 replies

Av0bo55 · 16/04/2022 13:27

Mil keeps saying it’s cupboard love to me regarding my ds like if he needed breast feeding for example and was crying to come to me for any reason, so I looked it up (never heard that saying before) and it seemed really insulting - Meaning they only want me for food and love me for what they can get off me!
Then she’ll say It’s daddies Boy if ds is sat with my dh but I’ve noticed that my son is never mummies boy, only daddies boy or grandma’s boy.
She also tries to grab him all the time and then then if he settles says, my baby he’s grandma’s boy!
Is this normal mil behaviour and old sayings or is she trying to insult me?

I am tired an hormonal as just found out I’m expecting again and dreading telling her as I have such bad memories of her visits after baby arrives and trying to take over the baby like I’m just an incubator and is literally no help whatsoever!
If I’m being unreasonable then how do you approach someone , that is unable to have a conversation about feelings? as I’ve tried once before and was told to not start on her and then she left saying good bye to my dh and the children ,but totally ignored me and walked out! I just don’t know how to deal with this kind of behaviour!
Dh is useless too he’s a great dad and husband in many ways, but terrible where she’s concerned and can’t speak to her either “as it’s not something they do” apparently!
Alien to me as I speak with my family and if they annoy me or vice versa then we discuss it and come to a compromise or a mutual agreement together, that makes everyone happy and then it’s forgotten about. So Aibu here or do I just except these comments mean nothing personal and to just accept it how it is and try make an effort as best I can?

OP posts:
thestraitofillinois · 16/04/2022 13:32

The sensible advice would be to explain calmly how her behaviour makes you feel. Unfortunately - having been in a virtually identical situation to you - even this approach will be taken as an attack.

My personal advice is to maintain a dignified silence, try not to let it affect you (i.e. it's her and not you), and try to limit the amount of contact you have with her.

Such a tricky one, but I guess some women find it difficult to engage with their DILs?!

DeanStockwell · 16/04/2022 13:36

I have certainly heard and said the term cupboard love and yes your right it is used when someone / pet it nice to you just to get something they want .

BUT your MIL is been nasty and your DH needs to get over the idea that they 'just don't talk about things' he needs to tell her that her phrases are upsetting you and she should stop .
You need to stand up for yourself too , easier said than done i know .

Next time your DS settles with her and she makes a fuss about it say , well that took xx time he settles much faster when you are not here !

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/04/2022 13:40

I don't think the expression is usually especially insulting, probably meant lightheartedly, but the other things you mention make her sound like a pain.

Original poster
Av0bo55 · 16/04/2022 13:41

I Googled the saying and it says;

“insincere love professed for the sake of gain”

Does seem rather insulting to say this to a baby’s mother
I wondered if I was being over sensitive, but I just don’t get why anyone would feel the need to use that phrase!

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 16/04/2022 13:43

Clear boundaries are what is required here. I am old school and if people wish to come into my home they treat me & everyone in it with respect.

Just a clear 'please do not say that in our home' or 'about our child' & quickly move on. Do not turn it into a conversation or unnecessary drama. If she leaves in a huff then she waits until the next invite to visit. She gets invited, no unannounced visits. You hold the power here - your house, your child, your rules.

SmolCat · 16/04/2022 13:44

She seems a bit jealous and awkward but not awful.

I would still say something very gently in response under the guise of laughing it off. Eg when she says it’s cupboard love is laugh and say “surely you don’t mean that though?”

Thereisnolight · 16/04/2022 13:49

Yes she sounds jealous and a bit stirring.
Just see a bit less of her and make sure you have other support in your life so you don’t need your DH family for your social life.

It’s good that she loves your DS so she’ll be handy for babysitting and giving you breaks. Your DCs will benefit so try to see the bigger picture.
But make everything happen on your terms and don’t be afraid to calmly but firmly pull her up on any veiled insults “Oh I’m sure you didn’t mean that how it sounds, MIL? Anyway I think we’re all getting a little tired now so we’d best be getting home. Ta-ra.”

AlisonDonut · 16/04/2022 13:53

That is a particularly cunty thing to say to a mother about her child, yes.

CarpeVitam · 16/04/2022 13:53

@Iamnotamermaid

Clear boundaries are what is required here. I am old school and if people wish to come into my home they treat me & everyone in it with respect.

Just a clear 'please do not say that in our home' or 'about our child' & quickly move on. Do not turn it into a conversation or unnecessary drama. If she leaves in a huff then she waits until the next invite to visit. She gets invited, no unannounced visits. You hold the power here - your house, your child, your rules.

This!!
M0RVEN · 16/04/2022 13:55

You husband sounds like a nasty piece of work, to stand by and let someone treat his wife and mother of his children like this. So he is useless and will not to stick up for you and confront his mother.

So just see less of her. Make excuses and don’t go to any events if she is there. Develop migraines or IBS so you become unwell at short notice.

Refuse to have her in your house - your DH can go there. If she arrives without warning, go out or take to your bed.

I have a relative who has been dealing with her husbands family like this for 30 years. Everyone knows it’s fake but there’s nothing that anyone can do.

If your Dh complains , shrug your shoulders the way he does when you ask for his help . “ it’s just not something I do “. “ I can’t help being ill”.

You have nothing to lose - she hates you anyway.

The only way your husband will ever intervene is if it affect him. Right now he doesn’t give a flying fuck as it’s only your feelings that are hurt.

Thereisnolight · 16/04/2022 14:13

@M0RVEN

You husband sounds like a nasty piece of work, to stand by and let someone treat his wife and mother of his children like this. So he is useless and will not to stick up for you and confront his mother.

So just see less of her. Make excuses and don’t go to any events if she is there. Develop migraines or IBS so you become unwell at short notice.

Refuse to have her in your house - your DH can go there. If she arrives without warning, go out or take to your bed.

I have a relative who has been dealing with her husbands family like this for 30 years. Everyone knows it’s fake but there’s nothing that anyone can do.

If your Dh complains , shrug your shoulders the way he does when you ask for his help . “ it’s just not something I do “. “ I can’t help being ill”.

You have nothing to lose - she hates you anyway.

The only way your husband will ever intervene is if it affect him. Right now he doesn’t give a flying fuck as it’s only your feelings that are hurt.

Oh God, don’t do any of this. So passive aggressive and so uncomfortable for the DC as they grow older.

Just state your boundaries and expect respect. Know it’s within your power to leave early whenever you want to. MIL can come to yours but only when invited.

godmum56 · 16/04/2022 14:15

@Iamnotamermaid

Clear boundaries are what is required here. I am old school and if people wish to come into my home they treat me & everyone in it with respect.

Just a clear 'please do not say that in our home' or 'about our child' & quickly move on. Do not turn it into a conversation or unnecessary drama. If she leaves in a huff then she waits until the next invite to visit. She gets invited, no unannounced visits. You hold the power here - your house, your child, your rules.

this. If its not something his family does then its something that you blooming well do. I would suggest the MN staple "did you mean to be so rude?"
jackstini · 16/04/2022 14:29

Call her out on it

'Do you realize that phrase means you think my son only loves me for milk and nothing else?'

'Nope, not your baby, your grandchild'

When your 'd'h says 'we don't do that in our family' respond with 'we don't let people be rude in ours, we tell them'

You definitely need to get some boundaries instilled before you have the next one (congratulations!) so you can relax and enjoy it rather than being on edge whenever she's near

1forAll74 · 16/04/2022 14:41

Some younger Mothers these days, seem to get in a tizzy about what older women say to them, especially concerning babies and small children.. Older women may have old fashioned sayings about such things, and you should not take any notice of them, or at least don't overthink what they say, as it's a waste of time pondering about such things. You don't know what you are going to be like , when you get to be a granny !

CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 14:43

Your husband should be stepping in and having a word with his mother! She’s nasty and disrespectful to you, and to say they don’t do that sort of thing, not something they do! Big cop out! She’s not being nasty to him she’s being disrespectful to you, his wife! I know about all this as I had a bitch of a MIL who did and said similar thing since also had a husband her son that stayed quiet! I was very young and put up with it for few years, until I left and married a man who stuck up for me ten fold , she needs to be told, or she will carry on and before long if anything like my ex mil ruin your marriage

Xpologog · 16/04/2022 14:46

I’d say it’s a weird thing to say about a baby and his mother. You and your baby have unconditional love for each other. I imagine it’s a phrase she’s used in the past and hasn’t really thought about it.
I really don’t get gp s who grab the babies and make out it’s theirs—- they’re a guest in the child’s life at this point.
I think your DH has to say something to her.

M0RVEN · 16/04/2022 14:50

Those of you saying that the Op just needs to have boundaries, NJS at talk to them and it will be fine - have you missed the bit where the OP said that she had already tried talking her husband about it and he has no problem with his mother taking to his wife like that ?

And when she talked to her MIl about her behaviour, she was lectured and ignored, again in front of her husband who allowed it.

She has tried talking and it hasn’t worked. Now she needs action.

Mamette · 16/04/2022 14:59

She sounds like a right cow. Yes she is insulting you. Why can’t you ask her what she’s talking about?

“What’s “cupboard love” MIL?” See if she has the balls to actually discuss what she’s driving at. If she says “oh I’m only joking!” You say “Ah MIL…! Has no one ever told you a joke is only funny the first time and sometimes not even then!”

Stand up to her.

CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 14:59

A MIL leaving and saying bye to a child and her darling son and ignoring you is in my opinion extremely childish! She’s trying to make a point! She doesn’t like you op, you could be the best mum etc in the world she’s obv got issues, she should not be finding fault with you, and your husband should be calling her out on it

Cauliflowersqueeze · 16/04/2022 15:00

Just smile at her and say “what was your intention with that comment?”

The end.

Pbbananabagel · 16/04/2022 15:06

@1forAll74 and some older women think it’s ok to minimise younger women’s feelings for their own benefit.

Ionlydomassiveones · 16/04/2022 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SpiderVersed · 16/04/2022 15:12

She is being horrible. Your DH is being a twat not to support you.

We joke a lot about cupboard love here, a running family joke that love because they feed you is the truest, purest love as demonstrated by the cats and DS’s response to pizza. But in no way is it appropriate for her to imply your baby’s love for you is just about being fed.

OakPine · 16/04/2022 15:20

The older I get the more I realise, that sadly, some people are just arseholes and there is nothing you can do about their behaviour. They will not change.

What you can change is your behaviour and your exposure to them.

So you say things like "that's not how we do it here", "my house, my rules!" and as others have said you call her out every time she makes a stupid and inappropriate comment.

Oh and btw - I hate the frankly ageist comments on here. She's not like this because she is old. She is like this because that is her personality!

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2022 15:21

If your husband won’t stand up to her, you will have to. Start now or have another post birth phase ruined by her visits. Every time she says ‘my boy/grandma’s boy’, you say no, he’s our boy (you and dh). Every time she’s rude, ask her why she’s being rude and tell her why it’s rude. Tell your dh now that when you give birth, you will decide when she comes round and that she won’t be there on a constant. I would not tolerate this.