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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being insulted here!

54 replies

Av0bo55 · 16/04/2022 13:27

Mil keeps saying it’s cupboard love to me regarding my ds like if he needed breast feeding for example and was crying to come to me for any reason, so I looked it up (never heard that saying before) and it seemed really insulting - Meaning they only want me for food and love me for what they can get off me!
Then she’ll say It’s daddies Boy if ds is sat with my dh but I’ve noticed that my son is never mummies boy, only daddies boy or grandma’s boy.
She also tries to grab him all the time and then then if he settles says, my baby he’s grandma’s boy!
Is this normal mil behaviour and old sayings or is she trying to insult me?

I am tired an hormonal as just found out I’m expecting again and dreading telling her as I have such bad memories of her visits after baby arrives and trying to take over the baby like I’m just an incubator and is literally no help whatsoever!
If I’m being unreasonable then how do you approach someone , that is unable to have a conversation about feelings? as I’ve tried once before and was told to not start on her and then she left saying good bye to my dh and the children ,but totally ignored me and walked out! I just don’t know how to deal with this kind of behaviour!
Dh is useless too he’s a great dad and husband in many ways, but terrible where she’s concerned and can’t speak to her either “as it’s not something they do” apparently!
Alien to me as I speak with my family and if they annoy me or vice versa then we discuss it and come to a compromise or a mutual agreement together, that makes everyone happy and then it’s forgotten about. So Aibu here or do I just except these comments mean nothing personal and to just accept it how it is and try make an effort as best I can?

OP posts:
CareBearsCare · 16/04/2022 15:27

Yes she's insulting you.

Philisophigal · 16/04/2022 15:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2022 15:31

Your MIL is a shit stirring, nasty cow, and I wouldn't have the slightest problem with telling her that, after which I would tell her she's no longer welcome in my home.

You have a husband problem, too.

TokyoTen · 16/04/2022 15:31

From my experience its a MIL thing and I ignored it. It did mean I went to see her a lot less and didn't involve her - I let Dh do any organising so it didn't really happen. Re your next baby - there is no reason you need to give the correct date and make sure you get boundaries in place now.

amicissimma · 16/04/2022 15:35

I find it easiest to go through life assuming that no one is deliberately setting out to insult me. I accept that some people can express themselves awkwardly or thoughtlessly.

That way I feel that people in general are nice and if anyone is trying to insult me it falls flat because I don't get it. Win win.

Glamora · 16/04/2022 15:35

@thestraitofillinois

The sensible advice would be to explain calmly how her behaviour makes you feel. Unfortunately - having been in a virtually identical situation to you - even this approach will be taken as an attack.

My personal advice is to maintain a dignified silence, try not to let it affect you (i.e. it's her and not you), and try to limit the amount of contact you have with her.

Such a tricky one, but I guess some women find it difficult to engage with their DILs?!

The sensible advice would be to explain calmly how her behaviour makes you feel.

nah, the sensible advice is to look at her as if to say "what do you mean" and then ignore
(i say sensible, as she wouldnt listen anyway probably!)

EmoIsntDead · 16/04/2022 15:52

@1forAll74

Some younger Mothers these days, seem to get in a tizzy about what older women say to them, especially concerning babies and small children.. Older women may have old fashioned sayings about such things, and you should not take any notice of them, or at least don't overthink what they say, as it's a waste of time pondering about such things. You don't know what you are going to be like , when you get to be a granny !
Being 'old fashioned' isn't an excuse for being a dick to your son's wife.
oakleaffy · 16/04/2022 15:55

Babies don't have ''Cupboard love'' for their mothers.. That's patently absurd.
That have true love.

Cupboard love was a term my step grand parent used, and she could be unpleasant , too, when in a sniping mood.

:(

oakleaffy · 16/04/2022 15:56

Edit :''They have true love''.

billy1966 · 16/04/2022 15:56

She sounds awful.

Do you want another child with your husband?

He sounds a very tedious man to be married to.

mumofgirl1 · 16/04/2022 16:02

Ask her what she means by it. Crack on like you don't know what it means then make her explain it, then you can challenge it. I would say something like what does it mean cupboard love I've never heard that saying before then when you tells you it means xyz you can then say why would you saying something like that. The other side to this is she may have no clue the real meaning of it and think it means something completely different if that's the case say I really need to Google this then read out to her what it means.

supersop60 · 16/04/2022 16:28

@1forAll74

Some younger Mothers these days, seem to get in a tizzy about what older women say to them, especially concerning babies and small children.. Older women may have old fashioned sayings about such things, and you should not take any notice of them, or at least don't overthink what they say, as it's a waste of time pondering about such things. You don't know what you are going to be like , when you get to be a granny !
Some older women can be very rude. It doesn't suddenly happen when they get to be a granny - they've probably been rude all their life (I blame the parents) OP, you will have to set your own boundaries, since your DH won't stand up for you. Don't talk about your feelings because it will make no difference. eg I want you to stop talking like that about my DS. If you don't, we will have to reconsider how much time you are allowed to spend with him.
SuchAsSeals · 16/04/2022 16:44

I think I'd contradict her every time she said that in my presence, but "jokingly", to stop it sounding insulting. "Oh, no, it's not! Babyname loves his mummy, doesn't he?", "Babyname knows that mums give the best cuddles", etc.

Maybe nauseating to listen to. All the better, imo! It's a weird, rude thing to say repeatedly. Not amusing.

sobby49 · 16/04/2022 16:46

Tbh only you can know if it is a snide remark to try and belittle you or she is just saying it as in your child wants extra sweets, the warmth of the breast bla bla ba. I would just directly ask her 'why do you say cupboard love?' and see what she replies then take it from there.

PinkSyCo · 16/04/2022 16:58

She sounds like she’s jealous and resentful of you because you took her darling son away from her. Ask her exactly what she means when she says it. Make it awkward for her to get away with subtlety putting you down and she will probably stop, being the passive aggressive coward that she is.

nokidshere · 16/04/2022 17:19

I think you are overthinking it. These things are only significant if you let them be, so don't let them be. Mummy's boy, daddy's girl, cupboard love etc, they are all meaningless comments and don't require a response or, if you must, something like 'yeah I know, how cute is that' type of thing.

You will hear a lot of stupid comments as a parent, from friends, family, even complete strangers who think they are being witty, amusing, or superior. Don't let them affect your life. Even if you don't feel able to say something just ignore.

Completely ignoring gives you the control. We cannot change other people, only our own response to their behaviour. So stop seeing her if you like, or ignore, or have a huge fight, whatever you do, do what you want on your terms and stop letting her (and your dh) have the power to make you feel shitty.

NameChangeCity123 · 16/04/2022 17:33

Have a very similar sounding MiL and can totally understand what you're saying about worrying it will be the same Case For baby 2 (congrats btw!)
I have started being really strict and putting limitations in- don't come Unannounced. These are the times we are Free. We have plans at x time so need to leave at x
Time (even if not true, it's good to have an end point clearly stated so you have an exit plan) she gets Pulled up on things which are offensive right away and I'm not shy about making it awkward when she tried to laugh it off. I also make sure I do something nice after seeing her so I can have that in the back of my mind when she's getting on my nerves.

I'm hoping for another baby too and hope that putting these things in place now will have more established rules so I don't have the same issues

Good luck and be strong, your future self will thank you!

Giraffesandbottoms · 16/04/2022 18:23

The problem with saying something is it sounds like there’s a good chance your husband will actually undermine you in front of her, which would be mortifying.

I would probably have to say to her “how silly - a baby’s love for its mother is unconditional. He’s actually far more likely to end up having cupboard love for you!”

But then I know a few women like your MIL and they give me the rage. So maybe don’t take my advice

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/04/2022 18:32

I think your current response is the appropriate one. There's nothing so frustrating to those going out of their way to insult you than not even paying them the courtesy of noticing.

If she ramps it up, that's the time to take issue with her. Repeating back to them what they've said can be effective. "When you said 'cupboard love', it sounds as though you're saying my son only loves me when he wants milk. That's a strange thing to say. Why would you say that?"

At that stage she'll either deny it or tell you you're being sensitive and she was only joking (by which response you'll know a PA when you see it. If she really didn't mean that she'd be mortified and apologize).

I'd also be taking strong issue with my DH for tolerating it. He needs to be more mindful of the consequences of upsetting his wife than his mother.

Start as you mean to go on. After the birth of Baby 2, YOU get to decide when, if, and for how long she visits.

picklemewalnuts · 16/04/2022 18:33

Please just ignore it. She's jealous and insecure, which is why she's saying the baby wants you because you have the milk. It's ridiculous. Don't dignify it with a response.

returntoUK · 16/04/2022 18:36

This would be unacceptable to me. It sounds like you don’t have agency in your own home.

Get more assertive and call her up on it, and if she is rude to you then ask her to leave.

returntoUK · 16/04/2022 18:36

@picklemewalnuts

Please just ignore it. She's jealous and insecure, which is why she's saying the baby wants you because you have the milk. It's ridiculous. Don't dignify it with a response.
Why should OP ignore it? MIL is being nasty to OP in her own home.
Babyvenusplant · 16/04/2022 18:38

The 'cupboard love' saying is more appropriate for a cat or dogs that showers you for attention to be fed, not a baby wanting it's mother's milk, very inappropriate

figtrees · 16/04/2022 18:43

There's lot if comments here about explaining to her how it makes you feel. Don't give her the bloody pleasure.

She knows damn well how it makes you feel. Her comments are nasty and set out to exclude you and upset you. She isn't worth the time of day. Make it clear this behaviour won't be tolerated, cut her out of your day to day life so it's down to occasional visits that your dh can arrange and sort the bulk of. Anybody who says this is damaging to go low or no contact with her is absolutely ridiculous, no child should grow up watching their mother being treated this way. Let alone pandering to it. Grow a backbone, she already has no respect for you, what's she going to? Honestly, some women on here.

SadButTheTruth · 16/04/2022 18:44

Cupboard love was always stated when my cat followed me around for food which was exactly what he was showing. To use it to describe a baby being nurtured and nourished by his mother is both rude and ignorant.

Only you know the best way to handle it depending on all the personalities involved, but I think your first hurdle to tackle is your husband. Unless you’re united in your approach you’ll never “win” and will get increasingly upset.

Personally I think set some boundaries now and call her out on it. I never challenged, was very dutiful and obedient and have ended up going no contact which makes things awkward for others. You can tell your husband how it might go if he doesn’t have your back so that he can make an informed decision about being as useless as he has been. It’s his place to tell her to stop, not yours.