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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at husband?

59 replies

Nomunkat · 16/04/2022 00:37

DH has asked me for nudes several times in the past, which I've always refused (risks of pictures being leaked, of anyone coming across them, etc...)
He also said he would never send nudes so he agrees.

Today while I was naked, he asked me to turn around. I looked back and caught him taking pictures of me.

I felt kinda off and upset (I have been sexually molested by my ex and he knows it). I asked him to delete the picture and told him not to do it again.

He apologised but also implied that it was okay because he is my husband.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting and whether he is right or not.

He is normally very respectful of my boundaries.

OP posts:

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 16/04/2022 00:39

YANBU. That’s a very disrespectful and frankly creepy thing for him to do. What other boundary-breaking is ok “because he’s your husband”?

JanePrentiss · 16/04/2022 00:41

Not acceptable. Your body, your permission is needed. He isn't your owner once married to no longer need permussion, and that needs making clear to him.

If he isn't respecting your boundaries to take pictures, what other boundaries is he not respeecting once he has those images?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/04/2022 00:41

I honestly would end a relationship over this especially as He apologised but also implied that it was okay because he is my husband.

I wouldn't trust him again.

And the bottom line is, decent genuinely nice blokes don't do shit like this. They just don't.

Lillygolightly · 16/04/2022 00:44

YANBU!! Just because he’s your husband STILL does NOT entitle him to nude pictures of you on his phone.

If you were happy to share pictures or pose for pictures yeah great but the point is, is that your not (as is your right) and he knows that your not. What he did was not just pushing your boundaries but completely trampled all over them.

In your shoes I would absolutely be upset with him, you have every right to be upset with him. Given what you’ve been through, and the fact that he knew and knew you weren’t comfortable with nude pictures makes what he did really really shitty!

GrinitchSpinach · 16/04/2022 00:48

And the bottom line is, decent genuinely nice blokes don't do shit like this. They just don't.

THIS.

Original poster

Nomunkat · 16/04/2022 00:51

Thank you for your replies x

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 16/04/2022 00:54

You can tell him that if he was my husband I would have called the police and I’m not joking. This man thinks he owns your body and he is utterly disgusting. Taking photos of someone naked when they have said no is completely unacceptable.

Changeee1546789 · 16/04/2022 01:03

He is gross.

Fraaahnces · 16/04/2022 01:05

Yep - coercive abuse and illegally taking nude photos. I would be breaking into his phone to check for more and to see if there are more and if he has shared them.

BreakfastDinnerTea · 16/04/2022 01:07

Really not ok at all. You've said no to nudes and instead of respecting your boundaries he's taken them anyway when you've clearly told him it's a no.

Topseyt · 16/04/2022 01:11

That is gross, and utterly disrespectful. I don't think I could ever look at him the same way again. It is sleazy and creepy.

Are you certain he has completely deleted them?

StopStartStop · 16/04/2022 01:12

Abuse. You said no, he went ahead.

icanonlydosomuch · 16/04/2022 01:17

Check out this article in Cosmopolitan (particularly some paragraphs towards the end). It's illegal!

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports/a31903651/illegal-film-take-picture-naked-nude-without-permission/

SpacePotato · 16/04/2022 01:34

There is no way he'll be taking those kind of pics and not sharing them.

PinkSyCo · 16/04/2022 05:29

He’s a disrespectful creep. Ugh!

MissMaple82 · 16/04/2022 06:19

What a twat. Has he deleted it? And also removed from bin/recycle? Because if not they are still there for 30 days and can be put back on photo gallery or even stored in a private photo folder. This is abuse of trust and disrespectful. I'd consider leaving

Buildingthefuture · 16/04/2022 06:26

I would go apeshit if my dh did this!! He’s never asked me for pictures like that, but if he did, I wouldn’t send them due to concerns exactly like yours…..I work with men and I know how often this type of shite is shared. It’s grim. Get his device, make sure it is all permanently deleted then decide what you want to do. For me, I don’t think I’d want to shag him ever again!!! It’s disrespectful and nasty.

Heronwatcher · 16/04/2022 06:30

Not acceptable especially when you have explicitly said no, and with your history. I’d also suspect he’s kept a few copies somewhere too- its impossible to be sure but will he give you his phone for an hour so you can check his cloud/ sent messages/ bin etc? If he won’t do this on the spot (without notice) I’d be out of there. I’d also not be letting him
anywhere near me for the time being- behaving like a sleazy voyeur= massive ick.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 16/04/2022 06:32

@Maray1967

Exactly this get rid of this revolting excuse of a man

JohannSebastianBach · 16/04/2022 06:39

Make sure he deletes them then leave the creep.

RagingRagingAndMoreRaging · 16/04/2022 06:58

Like others have said, this is completely unacceptable and I couldn’t be with someone who did something like that. It would be a deal breaker for me. I can only hope that this is a one off, he is young and immature, and will learn, if you are completely clear with him. May be show him this thread.

If he has form, or does any other things that are controlling, disrespectful or abusive then I would seek some external support. Talk it through with somewhere like Womens Aid to get an external opinion and find out sources of support.

If this is a one off and down to him not understanding (the toxic nature of social media and easy access to porn etc mean he may have been led to believe this kind of thing is ok and he may have learned to objectify womens bodies), then I would sit him down, when you are both calm, and very clearly explain that trust is key in a long term relationship and this kind of thing breaks your trust in him. Explain that what he did was illegal. Explain how it made you feel. Put a very clear boundary in that you will not tolerate this and what you intend to do if it happens again (call the police, leave him for example).

Good luck OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2022 07:06

Agree that good men don't do this.

I'd leave without question. What other things does he think he's entitled to because he's your husband?

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2022 07:08

I think this is a divorceable offence op
I’m not so sure I believe he’s usually very respectful either. Is this really the first time he did it or the first time he got caught? If you have his phone then check there’s no other pictures he took when you’re not looking - such creepy disrespectful disgusting behaviour; don’t minimise it

2DogsOnMySofa · 16/04/2022 07:11

Wow this would be an absolute game changer for me! Did you see him delete them and then also delete them from his trash folder?

notanothertakeaway · 16/04/2022 07:22

As a PP said, respectful men don't do that

When discussing it with him, remember to focus on how you feel "I felt that you showed no respect for my boundaries" rather than criticising him "you showed no respect for my boundaries". The former approach is better, as he can't argue with how you feel

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