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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family wedding abroad. AIBU?

91 replies

Disconipples · 15/04/2022 10:21

So in a nutshell... DP's Dsis is getting married next year. We have never met her new partner due to geography and lockdowns and for various reasons DP's family are not very close. They have been together probably 18 months. We have just received an invitation to the wedding in Cyprus. As a family it will cost us almost 5k to stay at the same hotel. I don't want to go. I don't really know SIL all that well, I don't want to go to Cyprus again (went a few years ago and it was lovely but plenty more of the world to see) I don't want to spend 5k to go on holiday with a big group of people who wouldn't be my choice to holiday with. They obviously have said that they aren't putting any pressure on people to come but there is a certain pressure isn't there? My DP doesn't want to miss his sisters wedding and would definitly go if it weren't for me. AIBU??

OP posts:

Flickflak · 15/04/2022 12:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 15/04/2022 12:46

@iolaus

You are unreasonable BECAUSE this is not a money issue (if it was that would be a valid reason not to go)

You seem to think the options are a long stay at the same hotel as a package holiday or not going, rather than a short 2-3 night stay booking hotel and flights seperately

Part of your argument is you don't know her well enough and haven't met her partner - but don't seem to want to change that either - your husband wants to go and wants that relationship

On £4k a month then £5k is a money issue With clothes, car parking at airport etc it could be 10% of their annual income

rookiemere · 15/04/2022 12:53

But the OPs DH presumably already has been to SILs wedding- her first one. I'm with you OP wouldn't be rushing to shell out £5k for this one and have my family holiday at a place I wouldn't have chosen.

Check skyscanner see what flights there are and booking.com for accommodation to see how much it would cost for DH to go by himself if he wants to ( this will also annoy SIL because I bet there's some deal with the hotel based on the number of people staying).

Fair enough having a destination wedding for a second wedding, but have a party afterwards for people don't expect them to fork out ££ to attend.

Original poster

Disconipples · 15/04/2022 12:58

@iolaus

You are unreasonable BECAUSE this is not a money issue (if it was that would be a valid reason not to go)

You seem to think the options are a long stay at the same hotel as a package holiday or not going, rather than a short 2-3 night stay booking hotel and flights seperately

Part of your argument is you don't know her well enough and haven't met her partner - but don't seem to want to change that either - your husband wants to go and wants that relationship

So because I can get 5k together by next July I am unreasonable? That's illogical surely, I can afford to pay my brother's rent but I don't because I don't want to, why should I? Am I unreasonable there too? Several thousand is an awful lot to spend on something you don't really want to do. I'm sure I will probably end up going, or at least my partner will in order to not appear rude. But I agree will the pp that destination weddings are cheeky, of course people don't HAVE to go, but they generally feel obliged to. If you want a destination wedding then just don't invite people unless you are paying for them and have a party back home. Don't say 'we would love you to be there but understand if you can't make it',

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/04/2022 13:27

But I agree will the pp that destination weddings are cheeky, of course people don't HAVE to go, but they generally feel obliged to. If you want a destination wedding then just don't invite people unless you are paying for them and have a party back home. Don't say 'we would love you to be there but understand if you can't make it'

This is entirely your issue. It’s ridiculous to say they shouldn’t ask because YOU don’t feel like you can say no.

Sushi7 · 15/04/2022 13:35

Why can’t your DP go for 2 nights? I think destination weddings are cheeky - forcing people to pay for a “holiday” that they have no freedom over. I probably wouldn’t want to attend a destination wedding of a couple that have been together for less than 2 years. I’d much rather buy them a present and go on a holiday of my choosing!

Kite22 · 15/04/2022 14:37

There is a bit of back story

YABU for not putting all the information in the OP.

However, I still think you should go, and book somewhere more affordable to stay if you don't want to spend your holiday there. Or go for 3 days or so then fly on to a destination you prefer, to complete your holiday. However, going back to what you first put, in your OP, you say you don't know them that well because of Geography and Covid. These people (and presumably the other guests) are now part of your family. Wouldn't this be a good time to make the effort and get to know them?

I8toys · 15/04/2022 15:36

YANBU £5k is a ridiculous amount to spend on going to someone's wedding. Family or not. He goes on his own or go for 1 night for the wedding and then fly onto somewhere else for a holiday.

babyjellyfish · 15/04/2022 15:50

OP, I don't think anybody is obliged to go to a destination wedding, but it seems like that isn't actually what this is about.

You say that money isn't an issue, other than you not wanting to spend five grand on this, it's the fact that you don't want to go to Cyprus and you don't want to spend time with your partner's family. Your partner apparently does want to go.

From the way you are coming across, I do think you are being a little unreasonable.

It's a four and a half hour flight to Cyprus. Easily doable in a long weekend. You could fly out the day before the wedding and back the day afterwards if you didn't want to stay any longer than that. Unless the wedding venue is in the middle of nowhere, there are almost certainly cheaper hotels or even AirBnbs in the local area which you could book instead.

It's still a lot of effort and money for a wedding and if you don't want to go, you don't want to go. And if you can't afford to go, you can't afford to go.

But what is coming across from your posts is that it isn't about the five grand, or it being in the school holidays, or the fact that you've been to Cyprus before. You just don't care enough about your partner's family to want to put yourself out. I suspect you would be on here complaining about it if they were getting married in Cornwall, or in Scotland, or on a Thursday.

If you and your partner have children together (it sounds like you do?) then it probably wouldn't hurt for you to make a bit more effort with his family, unless there is some massive back story here.

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/04/2022 15:54

@IDontHaveAnOutingHobby

Cyprus is an odd destination- are they military?

It’s a very popular holiday destination 😂😂

Teddeh · 15/04/2022 16:09

If he's happy going alone, I'd encourage him to go. If he won't go without you, I'd consider going but keep it to a few days.

Could you combine it with a family holiday in a place you do want to go? The weather in Turkey, Jordan, etc. isn't the greatest in July (unless you love heat) but If you're starting from the UK, you could "stop over" many places in Europe on the way to Cyprus or on the way back - either just him or both/all of you.

rookiemere · 15/04/2022 16:11

But it is about the money and destination- OP has said that if the wedding was in this country she'd happily go, if that doesn't make it squarely about the fact the couple have decided to have their wedding abroad, I don't know what does.

Why should OP be ferreting around trying to make the situation salvageable because the couple just fancied a foreign wedding ( probably because it's cheaper for them and because of it being a second wedding with lots of potential for acrimony if held in the UK) ?

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 15/04/2022 16:23

It’s a very popular holiday destination 😂😂

For the over 65s.
Its a granny type destination

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 15/04/2022 16:29

Couldn't they look for a venue similar to Cyprus?
Milton Keynes springs to mind.

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/04/2022 16:35

@IDontHaveAnOutingHobby

It’s a very popular holiday destination 😂😂

For the over 65s.
Its a granny type destination

Oh yeah - you can’t move in Ayla Napa for old dears getting their tits out, puking in the street and sucking off holiday reps for a shot of Sambucca.

ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 15/04/2022 17:18

🤣🤣🤣@WomanStanleyWoman

JudgeRindersMinder · 15/04/2022 17:24

@IDontHaveAnOutingHobby

It’s a very popular holiday destination 😂😂

For the over 65s.
Its a granny type destination

You really are ignorant aren’t you

ImInStealthMode · 15/04/2022 17:29

You say you haven't met her partner due to geography and lockdowns; is this actually a destination wedding or do they live in Cyprus? That would make a big difference for me.

We're going to a wedding in Italy this year but the Bride is Italian. They've not just picked a random country out of a hat and insisted everyone go there.

DoggoInMyTesla · 15/04/2022 17:35

No chance I’d go. The only destination weddings we’d go to would be our children’s if they decided to do that, and I wouldn’t be over the moon about it. 😂 Being totally honest, I don’t care enough about anyone’s wedding to travel or spend money on it.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 15/04/2022 17:39

Your husband goes. End of. Wouldnt be taking children out of school and im as lax as they come!!

BoredZelda · 15/04/2022 18:32

So because I can get 5k together by next July I am unreasonable?

Why ask AIBU then claim you aren’t being unreasonable?

HikingforScenery · 15/04/2022 18:37

@Disconipples

Thanks all, gives us a few options to look at I guess. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said I simply don't have the inclination to go to a place I don't want to go to, to go to a wedding of people I'm not fussed about. I know that makes me sound selfish. There is a bit of back story in that both SIL and her partner were married with kids when they met, they had an affair for several months then left their partners and kids to be together. It caused a bit of a family fall out as they couldn't see that everyone was immediately going to get on board with this new relationship and just be happy for them when there were lots of hurt people, kids included. It's not our business what people do at all but it all just feels a bit awkward. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable and we should just go. Money isn't the issue, I can afford it - I just don't want to 🤷🏼‍♀️

The back story is not needed. All that matters is this is DH’s sis.

Momicrone · 15/04/2022 18:40

It will be an amazing experience, go!

Crikeyalmighty · 15/04/2022 18:50

I don’t think you are being remotely unreasonable OP- best to just let him go on his own for 4 or 5 days. I think it’s unreasonable for families and couples to feel obliged to fork out huge sums (regardless of whether they can afford it) for people’s weddings they don’t know that well- family or not and to places they aren’t that fussed about going. Given the circumstances, I certainly wouldn’t be rushing , although I can understand your husband feeling the pressure to go somewhat.

Livpool · 15/04/2022 19:11

My cousin is getting in married in Cyrus next year and I don't want to go. We can't afford it and if we go abroad we want to go where we want to not a place dictated us.

My aunt is not impressed

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