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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family wedding abroad. AIBU?

91 replies

Disconipples · 15/04/2022 10:21

So in a nutshell... DP's Dsis is getting married next year. We have never met her new partner due to geography and lockdowns and for various reasons DP's family are not very close. They have been together probably 18 months. We have just received an invitation to the wedding in Cyprus. As a family it will cost us almost 5k to stay at the same hotel. I don't want to go. I don't really know SIL all that well, I don't want to go to Cyprus again (went a few years ago and it was lovely but plenty more of the world to see) I don't want to spend 5k to go on holiday with a big group of people who wouldn't be my choice to holiday with. They obviously have said that they aren't putting any pressure on people to come but there is a certain pressure isn't there? My DP doesn't want to miss his sisters wedding and would definitly go if it weren't for me. AIBU??

OP posts:
beenaroundtheblox · 15/04/2022 11:00

@ChristmasFluff

I'd go for a family holiday in Cyprus, somewhere near the wedding destination (but not in the same hotel), and enjoy a holiday whilst DP went to the wedding (if you don't want to go to the wedding).

That way you all get a nice holiday, and DP gets to go to the wedding.

Or otherwise, yes, he can go alone

I think if they were close enough to do this they would all have to go.
Ops1 · 15/04/2022 11:01

If you can’t afford it then YANBU
If you could afford it but would just rather go elsewhere then I would say slightly YABU. I know it’s not a summance to go to a wedding abroad is a big ask but if it was either 1- go to the wedding or 2- don’t go but still go another holiday abroad in summer hols I think that could cause some family upset
Or if it’s 3- no holidays that year just can’t justify the cost YANBU

I would suggest my dh go alone if it was cost

zoopigi · 15/04/2022 11:02

Surely it's not necessary to stay at the same hotel? There is much cheaper accomodation available I'm sure. Having said that if you don't want to go, send him on his own. Then again, you said you've been before and seen everything-where did you stay and what did you see? I'll bet you missed alot of the great places Cyprus has to offer, it's a great place to visit (then again I may be biased because I live here and love the island!) Which hotel are they staying at? Maybe I could give you pointers for alternative accomodation :)

Normandy144 · 15/04/2022 11:03

This is his sister. I would make the effort. You say you don't know her that well, but this is a perfect opportunity to try and get to know her better. I would research options to make it cheaper for you. It doesn't have to cost £5k.

RandomQuest · 15/04/2022 11:08

@ChristmasFluff

I'd go for a family holiday in Cyprus, somewhere near the wedding destination (but not in the same hotel), and enjoy a holiday whilst DP went to the wedding (if you don't want to go to the wedding).

That way you all get a nice holiday, and DP gets to go to the wedding.

Or otherwise, yes, he can go alone

OMG don’t do this unless you want to cause a family fall out! It’s one thing not wanting to travel all that way and/or not having the 5k spare for everyone to go, but you cannot travel 99% of the way there, spend all that money and still skip the wedding ceremony. That would be so insulting to the SIL.
Original poster
Disconipples · 15/04/2022 11:09

Thanks all, gives us a few options to look at I guess. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said I simply don't have the inclination to go to a place I don't want to go to, to go to a wedding of people I'm not fussed about. I know that makes me sound selfish. There is a bit of back story in that both SIL and her partner were married with kids when they met, they had an affair for several months then left their partners and kids to be together. It caused a bit of a family fall out as they couldn't see that everyone was immediately going to get on board with this new relationship and just be happy for them when there were lots of hurt people, kids included. It's not our business what people do at all but it all just feels a bit awkward. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable and we should just go.
Money isn't the issue, I can afford it - I just don't want to 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
ddl1 · 15/04/2022 11:12

As pp have said, your dp can go alone: it's his sister; he wants to go; and just one person won't cost as much.

Original poster
Disconipples · 15/04/2022 11:13

Yes I don't think I could justify going all the way to Cyprus but not to the actual wedding 😂. If they were getting married in this country I would happily go. It's purely the fact that it would end up being our annual holiday and there are several hundred things id rather do than go to a place I've been before with people I don't want to go on holiday with! The thought of sitting round a pool with my in-laws is making me want to scream 😬

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 15/04/2022 11:17

As you now admit you just don't want to, and costs can be managed, then DP goes alone

BluKorner · 15/04/2022 11:18

Money isn't the issue, I can afford it - I just don't want to

YABU. It’s your husband’s sister. Unless you’re happy for your husband to take the same attitude with your family, grow up.

Whatsmyname100 · 15/04/2022 11:24

@Normandy144

This is his sister. I would make the effort. You say you don't know her that well, but this is a perfect opportunity to try and get to know her better. I would research options to make it cheaper for you. It doesn't have to cost £5k.
I completely disagree with this. Trying to get to know a bride who has more important things to do, is the worst time to get to know someone. Your dh just should go alone.
AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 11:25

Why can’t you just book somewhere else in Cyprus?
Or DH go on his own?

Alvinne · 15/04/2022 11:30

YANBU to not want to go, but YABVVU to try and prevent him going.
Either book a villa/airbnb or different hotel as a family, or he could go on his own.

Crankley · 15/04/2022 11:32

I agree. The obvious choice is for just your DH to go to his sister's wedding.

Aprilx · 15/04/2022 11:34

You don’t need to spend £5k on a holiday to Cyprus. You are just making that nonsense up so that people will all come on and say of course you shouldn’t go.

mumonthehill · 15/04/2022 11:36

We are going to a wedding in Cyprus that we do not really want to go to, however it is not costing 5 grand! End of August, villa £750 and we have easy jet flights. Look for cheaper options.

TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 15/04/2022 11:38

YANBU when people book weddings abroad, there should be an expectation that people won't be able to come, for various reasons. Financial being the biggest. If they're not close, does DP even want to go? Usually people who have weddings abroad have a small celebration on their return for those not able to go. If it were me, I wouldn't go.

WomanStanleyWoman · 15/04/2022 11:38

I think your husband should go alone. He doesn’t have to stay in the same hotel or stay for long.

Somehow I don’t think your SIL will miss your presence, given your attitude towards her relationship.

SwedishEdith · 15/04/2022 11:43

Don't go. I've turned down a Cyprus wedding as resented being "forced" to have that as our family holiday destination that year. Wouldn't have been £5k but we wouldn't have been able to have a holiday elsewhere as well as going to the wedding.

Original poster
Disconipples · 15/04/2022 11:43

I don't think I ever said I was trying to stop him from going. That's likely the option that we will look at. We could also look at some cheaper options I suppose. Although we can afford 5k it wouldn't be pocket change to us, we are just a bog standard family with a net monthly income of around 4k.

OP posts:
Original poster
Disconipples · 15/04/2022 11:44

I don't openly have an attitude towards her relationship. Inwardly yes. Might make me judgemental but I don't really care.

OP posts:
TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 12:10

YANBU, destination wedding are so fucking selfish. I automatically look down on these stupid trashy selfish people who have them. I'd never go to one on principle. Even if it were my best friend. Your DH's sister can't think much of him back if she is this selfish and self-indulgent and CFy that she chooses to get married there. She clearly doesn't care too much about him, so why should he care? I would absolutely steadfast refuse to go, I would tell my husband he can go, but I would be very disappointed in him if he went and I would never look at him in the same way. That is family money he would be using.

TalkingCat · 15/04/2022 12:15

@Disconipples

Thanks all, gives us a few options to look at I guess. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said I simply don't have the inclination to go to a place I don't want to go to, to go to a wedding of people I'm not fussed about. I know that makes me sound selfish. There is a bit of back story in that both SIL and her partner were married with kids when they met, they had an affair for several months then left their partners and kids to be together. It caused a bit of a family fall out as they couldn't see that everyone was immediately going to get on board with this new relationship and just be happy for them when there were lots of hurt people, kids included. It's not our business what people do at all but it all just feels a bit awkward. DP thinks I'm being unreasonable and we should just go. Money isn't the issue, I can afford it - I just don't want to 🤷🏼‍♀️
That's even worse then! (But does tie in to the selfish practice of 'destination' weddings, so, I'm not surprised they're selfish in other ways). So they had an affair, hurt children, were CFers enough to expect people to be happy for them, had no self awareness, and NOW want to get married!? When they've both shown they have absolutely no respect for marriage, anyway? So why bother?

You are not being unreasonable for having principles. Your DH is unreasonable for having so little moral principles that he expects you to give up yours. And to spend 5k on a wedding to a couple that don't give a shit about marriage and have no respect for it. They make a mockery of it. After this latest update of yours, DEFINITELY DON'T GO! If my DH went, I'd make sure he'd know he would be changing the tone of our marriage for good.

LuckyLuckyWoman · 15/04/2022 12:15

We went to a family wedding abroad. Lots of people went. All stayed in the same resort but hardly anyone stayed in the same hotel. We also staggered arrival dates and had a week on our own when everyone else had gone home. Compromise?

iolaus · 15/04/2022 12:28

You are unreasonable BECAUSE this is not a money issue (if it was that would be a valid reason not to go)

You seem to think the options are a long stay at the same hotel as a package holiday or not going, rather than a short 2-3 night stay booking hotel and flights seperately

Part of your argument is you don't know her well enough and haven't met her partner - but don't seem to want to change that either - your husband wants to go and wants that relationship