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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He went anyway

55 replies

Rookiemistake · 15/04/2022 10:00

So I know that I am also being unreasonable but my husband won't accept that he had any part to play.
We were going to go on an impromptu walk this morning with extended family. They do this every weekend but I rarely get to go as am dealing with kids activities/housework. They always leave for the walk at 9 30. Generally DH will go as he does an activity himself at the weekends so doesn't deal with the kids ones.
Today was the first time in ages that I could go. DH wanted to be on time. He gets very stressy about this. Despite the fact that I was ready he starts taking over the chore I'm doing (not entirely sure why, maybe he can do it faster?). His stress is directed at me.
I'm ready in the car and waiting but one of our teens has decided to come and isn't quite ready. He starts having a go at me, generally being unpleasant. I asked him why it was my fault but he couldn't really answer. I said I didn't really want to spend time with him when he talked to me like that so wouldn't go. I got out of the car. Teen got in and he drove away. He wasn't late. They left on time.

I am seething. I was looking forward to going. I get so little time for things like that and he just bloody ruined it. But it will be my fault for being over-reactive and emotional. If he had some recognition that his behaviour towards me was I'll directed I would have stayed but he couldn't understand why it was a problem.

AIBU

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 10:02

Could it be that he didn’t want you to go ?

ManateeFair · 15/04/2022 10:04

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Original poster
Rookiemistake · 15/04/2022 10:07

He did want me to go. I understand that he wants to be on time but why is that down to me. We would have been on time, even with the slow teen.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 15/04/2022 10:09

But you did say you didn't want to go, and got out of the car....

Sounds like none of you were at your best this morning

gamerchick · 15/04/2022 10:10

He definitely didn't want you to go.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 15/04/2022 10:11

It's a bit of both. He shouldn't have had a go at you but you did get out of the car and say you wouldn't go so of course he went without you.

luxxlisbon · 15/04/2022 10:12

I mean you did say you weren’t going anymore and got out of the car so you can’t really be annoyed that he went anyway. Did you hope he would miss the walk to follow you back inside instead?
He sounds like a dick but it’s all an awful lot of drama for a walk on a bank holiday morning!
How do you guys get ready in the week with this level of stress?

DelphiniumBlue · 15/04/2022 10:15

Sounds. like in this instance, you got out of the car and said you weren't going. DH is unreasonable to talk to you like that.
But if your children are teens, I don't understand why you can't go on the walks yourself? You don't have to be doing chores in the morning. And these aren't "impromptu" if they are always at 9:30.
I suspect a bit more assertion on your part might work for you.. if you want to go on these walks, you could ( pre-emptively) suggest a time that works for you, or you could re-arrange your schedule? It's not really fair that DH goes on these walks and does his own hobbies, leaving you to deal with teen wrangling/transporting.

Original poster
Rookiemistake · 15/04/2022 10:15

I guess I expected him to say "sorry, yes I am being unreasonable" but he didn't he just defended how he was acting.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 15/04/2022 10:22

Sounds like a typical family trying to get ready to do an early morning activity when they are all tired and irritable to me.
You did sort of cut off your nose to spite your face by getting out of the car and refusing to go op.

But yes your dh was being unreasonable to lay the blame on you for the teen being late to get in the car. Sounds like he was irritated that 'his' weekend walk was interrupted with his family joining him.

RedHelenB · 15/04/2022 10:25

@notanothertakeaway

But you did say you didn't want to go, and got out of the car....

Sounds like none of you were at your best this morning

This. You cut your nose off to spite your face here imo.
Hont1986 · 15/04/2022 10:32

I said I didn't really want to spend time with him when he talked to me like that so wouldn't go. I got out of the car. Teen got in and he drove away. ... I am seething. I was looking forward to going.

Confused
Babdoc · 15/04/2022 10:35

You and DH both sound as if you are stressed and anxious personality types, possibly bordering on OCD. This is really way too much angst over a simple family walk.
I think you need to sit down together, or as a family, and discuss how to be more relaxed about plans and routines.
My own (now long deceased) much loved DH and I used to get a bit stressy before journeys, eg making a flight deadline at the airport, but never to this degree, and we were both autistic!
Try a new mindset of “it’s no big deal” or “most things don’t matter, and nothing matters this much”. Try varying your routine chores or - horror shock - letting them slide, sometimes, while you have fun instead!

Loopytiles · 15/04/2022 10:36

He was U for having a go at you instead of dealing with your teen.

YABU for flouncing.

You say you ‘can’t’ usually go: overall do you get roughly equal leisure time? If not would look to address that.

nearlyspringyay · 15/04/2022 10:37

What did you want him to - come chasing after you after you got out of the car? Sounds like you were trying to manipulate the situation and it backfired.

mcmooberry · 15/04/2022 10:37

I don't think YABU, he spoiled the outing for you by being so needlessly unpleasant. I would go out for the day and leave him to it.

FairyCakeWings · 15/04/2022 10:37

Was he having a go directly, personally at you, or was he ranting and moaning near you in that way men do?

I’m not sure that you can blame him for you not going on the walk. It was your choice to get out of the car. You told him you didn’t want to spend time with him. Were you expecting him to try and persuade you into coming after you’d done that?

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/04/2022 10:44

Sounds like a typical family trying to get ready to do an early morning activity when they are all tired and irritable to me

I have to second this! Trying to get ready and get put of the house is hard work in my house, however organised we are and however early we are up, we can get a bit touchy with each other, had you stayed in the car it likely would have blown over pretty quickly. It happens OP, try not to sweat it and enjoy a couple of hours to yourself Flowers

WabbitsAndWeasels · 15/04/2022 10:45

I'm like you're husband, I HAVE to be early for everything, I don't know if it's a compulsion but it makes me really stressed and anxious if I ^^think I'm going to be late. I know I'm sometimes take this out on others around me if they're the cause of me thinking we're going to be late. It's hard to recognise and rationalise in the moment as the feeling can be overwhelming for me. This feeling is worse if I'm meeting someone/have an appointment and am usually 10 minutes early for everything but I don't mind waiting and don't expect other people to turn up similarly early. I know it's my issue.

In his defence you for out of the car, you don't mention making an attempt to get back in the car with your teen. He was ready, teen was ready and you weren't actually ready (as in sat in the car waiting) so he left anyway. Did you want him to wait until you were willing to get into the car, possibly making the feeling he was going to be late even worse?

cansu · 15/04/2022 10:47

He sounds like a dick. It is probably not the only time he speaks to you like shit. Maybe you need to find someone else to go for walks with. Make arrangements to do things without him.

newbiename · 15/04/2022 10:47

You said you didn't want to go. You got out of the car. He drove off , what did you expect?

Original poster
Rookiemistake · 15/04/2022 11:04

I absolutely get that I shouldn't have flounced but there's also part of me that thinks why should I sit there to be the target of his anger. He'd ruined it by that point anyway.

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 15/04/2022 11:10

If he’d ruined it by that time anyway, then he was right not to try and get you back into the car, right?

Maybe he’ll apologies for being ranty when he gets home, and then you can apologise for flouncing, and then you can get on with having a nice weekend.

Palavah · 15/04/2022 11:12

it will be my fault for being over-reactive and emotional. If he had some recognition that his behaviour towards me was I'll directed I would have stayed but he couldn't understand why it was a problem.

It's not just about this walk is it?

Whatsmyname100 · 15/04/2022 11:19

The one you should be annoyed with is your teen who decided at the last minute to go. In any case, sounds like a stressful morning over nothing really. I think you should have just went.