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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He went anyway

55 replies

Rookiemistake · 15/04/2022 10:00

So I know that I am also being unreasonable but my husband won't accept that he had any part to play.
We were going to go on an impromptu walk this morning with extended family. They do this every weekend but I rarely get to go as am dealing with kids activities/housework. They always leave for the walk at 9 30. Generally DH will go as he does an activity himself at the weekends so doesn't deal with the kids ones.
Today was the first time in ages that I could go. DH wanted to be on time. He gets very stressy about this. Despite the fact that I was ready he starts taking over the chore I'm doing (not entirely sure why, maybe he can do it faster?). His stress is directed at me.
I'm ready in the car and waiting but one of our teens has decided to come and isn't quite ready. He starts having a go at me, generally being unpleasant. I asked him why it was my fault but he couldn't really answer. I said I didn't really want to spend time with him when he talked to me like that so wouldn't go. I got out of the car. Teen got in and he drove away. He wasn't late. They left on time.

I am seething. I was looking forward to going. I get so little time for things like that and he just bloody ruined it. But it will be my fault for being over-reactive and emotional. If he had some recognition that his behaviour towards me was I'll directed I would have stayed but he couldn't understand why it was a problem.

AIBU

OP posts:

42isthemeaning · 15/04/2022 11:23

Hmmmm sounds like a typical stressful 'getting out of the house on time' scenario to me. However my dh would never have gone away without me, even if I did get a bit huffy. My teens wouldn't be happy if that happened whilst they were in the car and wouldn't enjoy the walk thinking we'd fallen out. I hope you can sort it out when they come home and have a much nicer day.

Zilla1 · 15/04/2022 11:27

I said I didn't really want to spend time with him when he talked to me like that so wouldn't go. I got out of the car. Teen got in and he drove away. He wasn't late. They left on time.

I think given you said you woudn't go then this isn't the clear cut situation that will best allow you to address your DH's behaviour. It might be better to wait until he is unpleasant next time and address that without reacting and making it into something he can say is six of one and half a dozen of the other. Get him to address his rudeness and escalation and own that behaviour.

Emmelina · 15/04/2022 11:28

I see both sides, to be honest.
He shouldn’t have had a pop when your teen was pushing the time boundaries, but for you to get out and saying you’re not going then expect everyone to stay… had he stayed and argued, he would have been late and stress would have been even higher.

catfunk · 15/04/2022 11:29

On the surface if it, YABU for flouncing and expecting him to grovel when he clearly wasn't going to and he BU for directing his anger at me.
Perhaps a better of dealing with it would be to cut him off immediately when he started directing it at you - hand up✋ nope, not my fault; wind your neck in.

HELLITHURT · 15/04/2022 11:32

@Rookiemistake

I absolutely get that I shouldn't have flounced but there's also part of me that thinks why should I sit there to be the target of his anger. He'd ruined it by that point anyway.

But you did abs he took you at your word!

Aprilx · 15/04/2022 11:32

Why did you have to do your chores before you go, couldn’t it have waited? And then you flounced off, this is all on you.

tearinghairout · 15/04/2022 11:33

If you wanted to go, you shouldn't have got out of the car. I used to play this game, and sometimes DH would apologise, and sometimes he wouldn't. I learnt to not flounce so I didn't miss out (the cut off nose thing) and either forget/ignore it or discuss it later when everyone was calm.

Fireflygal · 15/04/2022 11:37

It was fair enough for you to state his anger at you wasn't appropriate. Adding on that you wont go is perhaps the step too far.

He wasn't calm enough to process at that stage. Perhaps if you had gone it would have been smoothed over?

Is your DH generally kind and loving and leaving the house is just a flash point?

BluKorner · 15/04/2022 11:41

Not sure you can get annoyed at him driving off without you when you got out of the car and said you don’t want to go. It sounds like you wanted him to come running after you, pleading you to change your mind, and he didn’t stoop to such games.

It sounds like everyone was stressed at an early start, but once you drove off it would have been fine.

Lindy2 · 15/04/2022 11:43

It wasn't very nice of him to just drive off. Yes you had got out but it was his behaviour you wanted him to stop.

I'd turn it round though and make it to your advantage.

He and the kids are out. I'd go out and do something I wanted to do by myself for as long as I wanted. Enjoy the peace and quiet and have a nice time.

BluKorner · 15/04/2022 11:44

Yes you had got out but it was his behaviour you wanted him to stop

No, it’s manipulative and child like behaviour, and it has meant OP is now missing out on something she was looking forward to.

Deadringer · 15/04/2022 11:49

If you are annoyed that he left without you, yabu, if you are annoyed because his shit behaviour is the reason you got out of the car and got left behind yanbu. I am assuming that this is a pattern of behaviour on his part, where you are always in the wrong. I have had so many encounters like this with my dh that it has killed any affection I have for him. We have been together a long time and he still loves me, but he can't/won't see that all these little events where his anger or annoyance is directed at me have built up a huge resentment on my part. Perhaps I am projecting, if so apologies, but that scenario
is just so familiar to me.

namechange30455 · 15/04/2022 11:52

I think it probably depends what form this: "He starts having a go at me, generally being unpleasant." took. It sounds like he generally blames you for things and isn't a very nice person?

AllAmericanGirl · 15/04/2022 12:15

He absolutely didn't want you to go and picked a fight.

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/04/2022 12:29

If you knew you were able to go then why did you start chores? The housework can surely be done later/another day?

As soon as he started getting annoyed about teen making you all late I'd have directed DH back into the house to go and hurry them up if it was that much of a big deal.

You can't be annoyed at him for leaving on time when you'd got out the car and said you weren't going. Don't play games to try and manipulate someone, regardless of how unreasonable they are already being. You could have stayed in the car, stuck the radio on for a bit to let things cool down and talk later about how you are not the emotional punching bag for DH. Now you are at home with your own annoyance and achieved nothing.

mrsm43s · 15/04/2022 13:21

Was he actually blaming you/having a go at you, or just expressing generally that he was cross that he was going to be late?

My DH can be inclined to think I'm somehow blaming him every time I express upset at something, even when the thing isn't related to him or directed at him in any way at all. (E.g. the supermarket shopping comes missing an important item and I express frustration that I'm going to have to go out on an already busy day and he'll think I'm in some way getting at him, when I'm not at all, and I'm not directing anything at him. I'm just expressing my frustration (with the situation) verbally to him.) It's very tiresome to live with someone who makes everything about them.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2022 13:27

What was he having a go at you for? Was he just stressed about being late, perhaps?

I don't understand why you flounced out of the car if you wanted to go - did you expect him to come running after you?

Topseyt · 15/04/2022 13:54

He was behaving like a dick, but I do agree with others that getting out of the car and saying you didn't want to go anymore when you really did was just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

My own reaction if my DH starts off like this (rare) is somewhere along the lines of "Oh just stop being so arsey and lets get on with the day!"

Maybe next week he should take the kids to their activities and let you go on the family walk?

girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 13:58

I'd have just said "well I'm ready, teen will be ready in 2 minutes, it's you that's faffing. Let's go."

SlashBeef · 15/04/2022 14:06

I would have driven off too but I don't have time for games and dramatics. You said you didn't want to spend time with him and got out of the car!

PinkSyCo · 15/04/2022 14:13

Looks like I’m on my own here but I think that, considering your DH was such a moody stress head, you saying that you’d had enough and wouldn’t go on the walk was his cue to have a wee bit of self reflection and apologise for his shitty attitude towards you. On another note, why does he get to go on the weekend walks and do another activity while the kids stuff and housework is all left to you?

alltheteeshirts · 15/04/2022 14:28

When it comes to going somewhere, there are two types of people: the clockwork army and the daydreamers.

The clockwork army must get there on time. Actually, on time would be late. Ideally they are there half an hour early.

The daydreamers always intend to get there on time, but are easily distracted and if part of the plan falls down, they shrug and adapt. Running five minutes late won't ruin anything.

There's nothing inherently wrong with either type, but they clash when put together. If you know you are an opposing type, you have to make a real effort to keep the peace.

I prefer to socialise with people who are the same type as me, but this doesn't always happen, especially with family, who you can't choose!

I'm one of the daydreamers, so if I'm going out with a clockwork soldier, I have to force myself to get ready early as a few minutes doesn't make a difference to me, but I know it will wind the other person up to the point that it can put them in a foul mood. The key is to remember it's not really about you, it's about them - they'd get stressy no matter who the other clashing person was.

You married this man, so you must have known for ages you were different types - he was clearly getting stressier and stressier, and you weren't doing anything to placate the stress. If anything, you were making it worse. And then he blew up, and he pushed your buttons instead.

I think you both need to be more mindful to how you both handle timekeeping and what each other's triggers are. I'd expect a spouse of all people to spot a trigger and diffuse it - I mean that on both sides. You wound him up. He wound you up. Neither of you covered yourselves in glory.

TheRedHen2 · 15/04/2022 21:55

To everyone saying op shouldn't have flounced. He was rude to her and it's not the first time. Surely if you don't put in boundaries around this sort of behaviour it just becomes worse?

Op wanted to go for the walk. She didn't want to go with her arse of a husband who was talking to her like shit for no reason at all.

Mangogogogo · 15/04/2022 22:18

Honestly op it sounds a little like he manipulated you into not going. Is this usual behaviour of his?

Ratatoo · 16/04/2022 12:48

I wouldn't beg someone to come if they'd got out of the car. This is all on you

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