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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To renegade on my child's party after accepting

63 replies

JDAJ · 13/04/2022 20:54

I'm just a bit annoyed and I'm not sure if I'm over reacting but I don't think I am. A friend accepted an invite to my 4 y.o birthday party about 3 weeks ago. She's just sent me a message saying shes really sorry but another friend who her son is closer to is having a birthday on the same date and he really wants to go to that one so he can no longer come to ours. Our sons used to be at the same nursery, he came to my last sons birthday etc so its not as if they are complete strangers. I get that maybe this other friend is closer (apparently its his best friend now) but in my mind if you accept an invitation you should honour it! I'm now worried other people are going to flake out. I just find it so rude!! She sent me this long winded grovelling text about how hard it was to cancel which wound me up even more! It was as though I should feel sorry for her that she finds herself in this situation. It's surely basic decorum and manners to honour the first invite or am I being unreasonable to expect this of people??!

OP posts:

HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 20:57

I'd be mildly pissed off but I'd let this go.

I doubt very much your 3 year old remembers who was at his party last year and he'll be having such a great time at his birthday party this year he won't even notice who isn't there.

JurasicPerks · 13/04/2022 20:59

It's pretty pants, but on the plus side, she has let you know rather than just not show up!
Have your moment of being pissed, then move on.

switswooo · 13/04/2022 21:18

YANBU, don’t cancel the party, have you had other acceptances?

workingmomlife · 13/04/2022 21:20

It's only 1 child so far so I wouldn't worry about it

Original poster

JDAJ · 13/04/2022 21:31

Yes I've had other acceptances so definitely won't cancel the party, just feel disappointed really that they've basically had a better offer!

OP posts:

HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 21:33

By the time your child is on birthday party age 7 or 8 you'll have had it all - drop outs at the last minute, no shows, kids turning up whose parents hadn't RSVP'd, siblings dumped at the party without asking - it'll all be like water off a ducks back .

DoingAway · 13/04/2022 21:38

Yanbu it’s rude

FairWindClearSailing · 13/04/2022 21:39

Yeah that's rude. Ditching someone for a better offer is a crappy thing to do

WhatsErFace2020 · 13/04/2022 21:41

Friends child must know he has the choice between 2 parties - he’s made his decision, when he’s older and more reasonable I imagine his mother will be able to use it as a lesson about honouring commitments...but for now - it’s just a party.

I don’t mean to be harsh - It’s no reflection on your child OP, you will soon enough find yourself in the same position I expect...

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:43

If her son is getting really upset and wound up I can see why she's done it tbh.

PumpkinPie2016 · 13/04/2022 21:47

I'm quite shocked that people think this is OK! I think it's incredibly rude to pull out when you have already accepted because another 'better' offer has come along.

I certainly wouldn't be inviting them again!

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:50

I don't think it's OK, but I feel she was in a tricky position and she is having to think of what her son wants to do. There's no point him going to a party and wishing he was at another one. He's too young at that age to handle his emotions properly.

Tothepoint99 · 13/04/2022 21:51

Difficult one....she's basically acting one behalf of her child and so if he does prefer to go to a different party, sad as it is for you, that's what she's going to choose. As others have said, your child won't know and will have a great time without them.

Saintofsanto · 13/04/2022 21:55

It is rude. I'm raising my DS to be sure about accepting invites and to stick to them.

NotTheOW · 13/04/2022 21:57

Thing is she at least told you and tried to explain. Which is lot better than some people do where they just don't bother showing up.

buckeejit · 13/04/2022 22:20

I would normally be pissed off but sounds like she's been honest &'courteous. If it was my child I would want them to go to their best friends party as that will make them happiest & at 4, your dc won't care. Hope it's a lovely party

Dutchesss · 13/04/2022 22:23

I would appreciate the honesty.

Neverreturntoathread · 13/04/2022 22:44

I actually would be glad she was being honest with me. So many people are weak and just lie, she’s explained the tricky situation and been honest.

Is it ok tjougj? Well depends a bit on the detail. If you’re only inviting 3-5 guests and she told you a few days before then she is very unreasonable, but if you have like 10 guests and she told you at leadt a week in advance then is fair enough really…

user1471517900 · 13/04/2022 22:47

Yeah I think this is fine from the other mum. I assume he's not your kids best friend so I think your kid will not be harmed by one drop out, and the other kid will be much happier. Net win for all.

FairyCakeWings · 13/04/2022 22:49

It’s rude, but then the party guest is only 4, and it’s understandable that he would want to go to the party for his best friend, especially as they will all talk about it at school.

AnnaSW1 · 13/04/2022 22:52

Ah I think this is fine. Who wants to force a small child to attend a party they don't want to go to?

VeganGod · 13/04/2022 22:56

If it is the child’s best friend then I can see why his mum has cancelled with you. So many people would just not turn up or make up some bullshit excuse on the day, I think I’d give her a bit of respect for being honest and giving you a bit of notice. And the fact she’s sent you a long text, she’s clearly doesn’t want to upset you and cares.

It hard not to be a bit disappointed when this sort of thing happens to you children. I’d let it go though, I’m sure your son will still have a great party.

ForeverSingle881 · 13/04/2022 22:58

YABU. What point is there in making a 4 year old attend a birthday party they don't want? He's FOUR! The fact that she sent a long grovelling text means she is probably actually sorry and her kid is actually probably upset. Why do you want an upset 4 year old at your bday party? Surely it would ruin it for your kid too??? I'd be a bit annoyed but no more, she can't MAKE him like your child better.

Viviennemary · 13/04/2022 23:03

That really is quite rude. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her or her child.

runsmidgeOMG · 13/04/2022 23:14

So I can actually see the scenario now.

Ok child in question x is having a birthday party on the same day as y.
Which one do you want to attend ?

By running it past her child she is giving him the choice and validating his feelings and possibly using this as an example to teach consequences to an age appropriate degree.

Does this make this any less sucky ? no it doesn't but I don't think this is simply a case of a better offer here. It's more "best friend and generic work colleague have weddings on the same day" which one would you be more likely to attend if the invites came out within a few weeks of each other.

I'd probably also send a grovelling text in this scenario with the promise of a play date to make up for it. I'm sorry OP I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset but I kind of get it and would respect their decision as it's been done politely.

I hope your son has a lovely party !

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