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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To renegade on my child's party after accepting

63 replies

JDAJ · 13/04/2022 20:54

I'm just a bit annoyed and I'm not sure if I'm over reacting but I don't think I am. A friend accepted an invite to my 4 y.o birthday party about 3 weeks ago. She's just sent me a message saying shes really sorry but another friend who her son is closer to is having a birthday on the same date and he really wants to go to that one so he can no longer come to ours. Our sons used to be at the same nursery, he came to my last sons birthday etc so its not as if they are complete strangers. I get that maybe this other friend is closer (apparently its his best friend now) but in my mind if you accept an invitation you should honour it! I'm now worried other people are going to flake out. I just find it so rude!! She sent me this long winded grovelling text about how hard it was to cancel which wound me up even more! It was as though I should feel sorry for her that she finds herself in this situation. It's surely basic decorum and manners to honour the first invite or am I being unreasonable to expect this of people??!

OP posts:

Lalliella · 13/04/2022 23:32

YANBU. It’s rude. How did her son even know about the other party? Presumably he couldn’t have read the invitation.

Meltedwellie · 14/04/2022 16:32

YANBU very rude of her. I wouldn't invite them to anything again. I

TheOriginalEmu · 14/04/2022 16:41

Her child is 3. He wants to go to his best friends party. He doesn’t know the rules about parties (I find them hard enough to make sense of and I’m 41). How do you explain to a child of 3 that they can’t go to their best mates party because they have to go to the party of a person they used to be in nursery with and may well have forgotten??

Her only mistake was being honest with you about the reason, I’d have just lied.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/04/2022 16:44

@TheOriginalEmu

Her only mistake was being honest with you about the reason, I’d have just lied.

Have to agree with this. If I accepted an invite of a vague friend in DDs class and then her best friend in another school had a bday I’d prob feel inclined to go to the latter.

AlisonDonut · 14/04/2022 16:49

Gosh he's 3!

Let him choose which party he goes to.

ExplodingElephants · 14/04/2022 16:50

It’s annoying but at least she had the good grace to not only let you know but to tell you the real reason. That takes guts so I’m quite impressed actually. Is there anyone else your child would like to invite in their place?

Duracellbunnywannabe · 14/04/2022 16:52

It’s rude. But at 4 years old if he last saw your son a year ago, that is a quarter of his life ago and doubt he would remember him.

Mybestyear · 14/04/2022 16:55

This.

It sucks OP but such is the party gambit when DC are young. You’ll need to grow a thicker skin if you are going to get through these years without a breakdown!

KatherineofGaunt · 14/04/2022 17:03

It does suck but nothing to be done.

DS had a party last year for his 3rd. Two separate people accepted (three kids total) and then a week before one said they had a "new arrangement" and another said the evening before that they had a Zoom thing they couldn't miss. It was too late to invite anyone else so three paid places went spare. Not cool imo.

WonderingWanda · 14/04/2022 17:19

I can see how she wob't have meant rhis peraonally and with an older child I'd told them they had to suck it up and go the the first party but at that age they will struggle to understand this. If I were her and my young kid really wanted to go to the other party Iwould have probably just apologised and said how sorry I am and what an idiot I've double booked, bit of a fib but it would probably have made you feel better, even if you then throught I was a bit of a pillock!

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/04/2022 17:33

Why should a little child miss out on his best friend's birthday party just because his mum doesn't want to be thought rude?

I'd do the same if I was his mum, and if you're the type of person to dump me because I've put my child's feelings over yours, then that's fair enough, we're probably better off not being friends :-)

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/04/2022 17:35

Oh I don't know. I was brought up with those rigid rules and applied them to my oldest 2.
As I've got older, I think life is too short. If my youngest got a subsequent invite for a much closer friend ,(and there were no other factors eg not many likely to go to first party) I would probably allow it. Send early apology. At least she has been honest.

TidyDancer · 14/04/2022 17:40

It's rude and she knows it, hence why she's sent you that type of message. I do have some sympathy with the dilemma but it's not great on her part.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 17:48

I wouldn't be insulted that they've had a "better offer", that is natural if he's closer to the other child, not an indication the other child is "better".

I would think this was rude from an adult but kind of just one of those things from a small kid tbh, surely he would have just sulked through your party?

I also think the alternative to this would be parents waiting until the last second to RSVP and that would be more annoying to me.

ThettaReddast · 14/04/2022 17:52

It’s not a great thing to do, but will your son actually notice/care that the child isn’t there?

CheshireDing · 14/04/2022 17:54

How rude she is !

You honour the first invite you accepted.

DC had same situation but I just explained they had already said yes to the first party and that this sometimes happened, DC was fine (and was probably about 6 at the time), now DC and I can’t even remember whose parties either of those were so clearly not traumatised 😆

Arealnumber · 14/04/2022 18:06

For god's sake, some of the responses here are totally ridiculous. I'm the last person to be accepting of rudeness from children and their parents but it's her son's best friend's birthday - and she's taken the time to give you a lengthy explanation because she feels bad about it! Let it go.....

GiltEdges · 14/04/2022 18:08

@Tothepoint99

Difficult one....she's basically acting one behalf of her child and so if he does prefer to go to a different party, sad as it is for you, that's what she's going to choose. As others have said, your child won't know and will have a great time without them.

I basically agree with this.

justfiveminutes · 14/04/2022 18:14

I'd appreciate her honestly and that she hadn't 'called in sick' on the day.

Hiroe · 14/04/2022 18:18

@Viviennemary

That really is quite rude. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her or her child.

Really?

Peppapigforlife · 14/04/2022 18:22

Have you paid for his space at the party OP @JDAJ?

Marmite27 · 14/04/2022 18:24

I’d be pissed off with that. I was less annoyed with the friend who forgot to write a party in her diary then went to visit friends at the other end of the country. I was still annoyed though!

WimpoleHat · 14/04/2022 18:25

It’s very rude. And she clearly knows it!

minionsrule · 14/04/2022 18:26

Sounds like you've stayed friends with the mum but the boys no longer see each other since starting school?
Whilst it might seem a bit crap I wouldn't begrudge him going to his best friends party. Probably wise to not invite him next year just because its your friends son.... kids move on quickly

Peppapigforlife · 14/04/2022 18:27

The thing to keep in mind here, is that it's not the woman's fault two parties were scheduled for the same day. İt's not her son's fault, it's not your fault, it's not your child's fault and it's not the other birthday child's fault. İt's just one of those things and this woman has done what she thought was in the best interest of her child. Your child will still have his party and have a great time regardless. He's not going to spend the whole exciting party being sad that someone he went to nursery with isn't there.

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