Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To renegade on my child's party after accepting

63 replies

JDAJ · 13/04/2022 20:54

I'm just a bit annoyed and I'm not sure if I'm over reacting but I don't think I am. A friend accepted an invite to my 4 y.o birthday party about 3 weeks ago. She's just sent me a message saying shes really sorry but another friend who her son is closer to is having a birthday on the same date and he really wants to go to that one so he can no longer come to ours. Our sons used to be at the same nursery, he came to my last sons birthday etc so its not as if they are complete strangers. I get that maybe this other friend is closer (apparently its his best friend now) but in my mind if you accept an invitation you should honour it! I'm now worried other people are going to flake out. I just find it so rude!! She sent me this long winded grovelling text about how hard it was to cancel which wound me up even more! It was as though I should feel sorry for her that she finds herself in this situation. It's surely basic decorum and manners to honour the first invite or am I being unreasonable to expect this of people??!

OP posts:
badg3r · 14/04/2022 18:30

Tbh the kids are four - it's very young to understand that they can't go to their best friends party because they were already invited to another. I doubt your child will mind too much, they'll never know why the other kid didn't come. I think the other mum did the right thing in the circumstances.

Peppapigforlife · 14/04/2022 18:30

İf you're worried about dropouts then the best thing you can do for your child is create zero expectations for them for their birthday. Don't say the word party. Tell them there's going to be a cake, balloons and whatever else is a definite given, etc but don't say so and so is coming etc, and if everyone drops out, take them to the soft play or somewhere they love for the day with family and close friends and take balloons and cake.

Jalepenojello · 14/04/2022 18:34

It is rude. They’re so small. At 3 my child only knows what I tell them and only goes where I take them. If I had made plans with another parent for my child to be at their child’s party on x day, then getting another invitation weeks later wouldn’t even be a conversation and my child would be none the wiser. When they’re older I can see how it can get tricky but at that age it shouldn’t be complicated

Original poster
JDAJ · 14/04/2022 18:42

Thank you all for your replies. Good to hear views from all sides! @pepperpigforlife I've not paid per head but have paid for an entertainer and bouncy slide so unless no one turns up it's fine (although my husband will enjoy it!). I just want to clarify, we only left the pre school 6 months ago and my boy was 'best' friends with him whilst he was there. We've also had play dates and see each other in the village still so its not a random person! I understand and wouldn't begrudge any child choosing which party to go to but from an adult / mother viewpoint if I had accepted an invite then I would personally feel bad to that child if I ditched it for someone else. What if everyone thought like that and flaked out and accepted other offers then no-one would turn up and how awful for that child!
Anyway, will move on, agree life is too short and I clearly need to grow a thicker skin for this!

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/04/2022 19:08

I think she probably does feel a bit bad, hence the effusive message, but in the end she thinks that is a price worth paying.

notanothertakeaway · 14/04/2022 19:18

I think it's really rude to accept any invitation and then bail out when you feel you got a better offer elsewhere

I'd be p....d off, especially if we had to pay for empty places

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/04/2022 19:21

Its bad manners but the children are only 4 and wont care one way or another as long as the party goes ahead and there are lots of presents.

Much bigger faux pas if the children were older. IMO

TheOriginalEmu · 14/04/2022 19:44

@Marmite27

I’d be pissed off with that. I was less annoyed with the friend who forgot to write a party in her diary then went to visit friends at the other end of the country. I was still annoyed though!
Good god, people make mistakes!
TheOriginalEmu · 14/04/2022 19:47

@JDAJ

Thank you all for your replies. Good to hear views from all sides! *@pepperpigforlife* I've not paid per head but have paid for an entertainer and bouncy slide so unless no one turns up it's fine (although my husband will enjoy it!). I just want to clarify, we only left the pre school 6 months ago and my boy was 'best' friends with him whilst he was there. We've also had play dates and see each other in the village still so its not a random person! I understand and wouldn't begrudge any child choosing which party to go to but from an adult / mother viewpoint if I had accepted an invite then I would personally feel bad to that child if I ditched it for someone else. What if everyone thought like that and flaked out and accepted other offers then no-one would turn up and how awful for that child! Anyway, will move on, agree life is too short and I clearly need to grow a thicker skin for this!
But she clearly does feel bad, from the message she wrote you you say is long and ‘grovelling’.
Heyisforhorses · 14/04/2022 20:05

6 months ago to a child is a very long time. Friendships change and obviously if your child is gone from creche the other child is going to play with someone else each day. The alternative is your friend making her child go and the child hating being at yours and telling your DS he didn't want to come. It's not nice but your friend has managed as best she can for her and your child.

DuggeeHugPlease · 14/04/2022 21:23

It's hard and normally I would agree you go with the first invite you've accepted.

But I was recently in this position and a friend of mine invited my DD to her daughters party (by texting me) I said yes as we're friends and the girls see each other every few months.
But we then had an invite clash with a classmate. I still went ahead with the first one but I know they were talking about the party at school so felt bad as I hadn't given my DD the choice. I normally RSVP straight away but may stop doing that to avoid this happening.

EmilyEmmabob · 14/04/2022 21:35

Ah I'd have to let this one go, they're so little. As sad as it is, friendships move on and it's important that this child develops friendships at the nursery he is at just as it is as important for your child to spend time with his friends.

Let this one go, organise a play for them at a later date and see how their friendship goes. Of course a better offer is rude but I don't think it counts when the children are so little.

Bythebeach · 14/04/2022 21:42

I think if the child were 7ish or older this would be rude and they would understand that they had accepted the earlier invitation. However at 4 they probably had no idea their mum had accepted but do now know and understand that going to your child’s party means missing their best friend’s. I think it would be unpleasant to force them to go and it is very likely your child won’t miss this guest’s absence if you don’t mention it. Let it go - it was just unfortunate timing and this mum clearly feels bad.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page