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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I go too far?

57 replies

Stepmum23 · 13/04/2022 17:53

Bare with me this is a long post! Looking for advice..so my stepson (18yr old) met this girl, he asked if she could come over and stay. I said she could come over but not to stay as we had not met this girl. He himself had only met her a couple of times. So the girl comes over seems nice enough everything is fine. Then next weekend (Friday) they go out in town on a date and come back to our home..I ask if she is staying..so she does..and again he asked on Saturday can she stay I said OK but never assume always ask (reason being is my partner and I both work and sometimes up at 5am) so she stays over Saturday...and doesn't leave until Monday night..my partner and I both tell my step son no more overnights (partner was woke 3 times due to talking very loud and laughing). Step son asks if she can come over but not stay l, this is agreed but when either my partner or I go to bed she must go home. Fast forward to the next weekend I wake up at 7.30am Sunday morning to my partner very angry sitting beside me. Turns out stepson has brought her back to our home and is having sx very loudly at 6am..(13yr old sister in next room) my partner goes to go into living room and his friend is laying on the couch. I check my phone and I have a message at 2.30am (I was alseep) asking if she could stay and that she had a bad night and he didn't want to leave her ect ect..but the thing is this message was very different from they way he usually texts (punctuation was used and even a x at the end) I woke them up at 9.30am and told step son to get her out the house. Once said girl left I asked him why she text me from his phone making out to be him asking if she could stay and trying to make out like something was going on...his reply I don't know... I explained that this was manipulative but he doesn't get it and doesn't see anything wrong. I told him I don't want her back in our home. should also mention when she didn't go home on the previous Sunday he left her in our home whilst he went for a driving lesson* which is also why we put a stop to overnights. Anyway...my partner and I were very angry few choice words were said..this is his first girlfriend (although it's "not his girlfriend yet") she has quit uni, her job a day ago and I said to him she will be expecting him to pay for everything now as he works ect. I also said that she only got out a relationship 4 months ago and since they have gotten to know each other she's already slept with him (she is his first) he also told me she never stays at home always between friends uni accommodation ect so I said she could have slept with a couple of people in between (whilst giving a lecture about protection). Now I've calmed I feel bad but I don't want him getting used and I don't want them doing that in the house.. thank you in advance.

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 13/04/2022 17:58

YANBU

sounds like he has overstepped the boundaries several times. An outright ban on overnights?

He is an adult and works. I guess if it gets more serious with time you can say he has the choice in the future to move out and have his own space to be with her. But from your description at the end it seems you may want him to wise up to some of the red flags (no job or studying, wants him to pay everything)

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/04/2022 18:01

This is why I don’t let my kids partners stay over. When you say yes once it sets a precedent.

Crunchycrouton · 13/04/2022 18:03

I had to laugh because sex isn’t a dirty word, you know. You don’t have to asterisk it out!

Aside from that YANBU to expect basic boundaries to be adhered to!

Regenbogen22 · 13/04/2022 18:04

Nope. He has abused your trust and shown you no respect in your own home. No more overnight stays.

He has the opportunity to move out and do whatever he wants in his own place.

Vsirbdo · 13/04/2022 18:09

I agree about having a word with him and putting a stop to the overnights as clearly he has taken advantage.
I think the issue is that if you say things like that while you’re angry then he’s not going to hear them in the same way as if you sit down calmly and explain your worries about her. By getting angry it gets his defenses up.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/04/2022 18:10

Sounds like she's possibly homeless, that's why he's so keen for her to stay. How much older is she?

SnowingInApril · 13/04/2022 18:10

He’s 18, you don’t want him having sex in the house but you’ve allowed his gf to stay over? And making him ask every time?
You either need to allow him to bring girls back (and accept they will have sex) or have a firm rule.
Texting each time and the decision being dependent on shifts/how you feel that day isn’t going to work.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 13/04/2022 18:18

I also said that she only got out a relationship 4 months ago and since they have gotten to know each other she's already slept with him (she is his first) he also told me she never stays at home always between friends uni accommodation ect so I said she could have slept with a couple of people in between

So what? She's entitled to do what she wants with her body. Why are you pulling her up on sleeping with him after 4 months. She didn't do it alone now did she

If you don't want her over then that's up to you but she can sleep with whoever she wants to

Sunnysidegold · 13/04/2022 18:19

Is she homeless? If she is sofa surfing between friends and your house?

You and your partner need to have a discussion with your stepson about respecting your boundaries. He has abused your trust by letting her stay without you knowing (when there was the 2am text). You should also discuss the noisy sex. Imagine the thirteen year old having to hear that.

Thatswhyimacat · 13/04/2022 18:22

YANBU to have a no staying over rule or be upset about inconsiderate noisy sex, but yabu in basically slut shaming this girl.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 13/04/2022 18:24

Yanbu op and I’m usually quite chilled about adult dc having a friend to stay , but they have completely overstepped the boundaries. I think it’s a learning curve for him he doesn’t want to say no to her and I actually think it sounds like she may be using him for a place to stay . Hopefully it will burn out, in the meantime just repeat what you’ve done clear boundaries and she can’t stay over because she doesn’t respect your home .

Georgeskitchen · 13/04/2022 18:28

Yanbu

You have set the boundaries and if he ain't happy he can sling his hook

Bunnybingesoneggs · 13/04/2022 18:33

My dc know no casual acquaintances allowed overnight..

Mummapenguin20 · 13/04/2022 18:34

Yanbu

MatildaTheCat · 13/04/2022 18:35

The problem with teens and their partners is that you give them an inch and they’ll take a mile nine times out of ten. Sex, acting adult and wanting to impress makes for twatty behaviour.

Reset the boundaries and while you’re at it get your DP to warn him about equality in relationships. If she wants to go out she needs a job.

Original poster
Stepmum23 · 13/04/2022 19:06

Thanks everyone. Yes I did basically slut shame the girl, I was angry and I'm honest in what I said. Do I feel guilty now, of course I do. That being said I just feel they knew the rules and didn't stick to them. My partner did say to him if he doesn't like it then look for a flat. He has went to this girls parents house where she "lives" I say live lightly as from what he has told us she is never there. He is not allowed to stay there which I can understand. I feel I should never have let her stay in the first place then it wouldn't have happened. An the sex I know is going to happen he's 18 but I just feel there's a time for it and a bit of discreet wouldn't go a miss. He may be my step son but we have had him full time from he was 8 and its scary he is growing up.

OP posts:
Sprucewillis · 13/04/2022 19:36

Oh dear so now he's getting threatened with the door.

At 18 your DSS is still a child but also legal age for sex. You've allowed him to have GF over once and then changed the rules.

He's not really been disrespectful (it's not disrespectful to you if he has sex with his GF) but he has taken liberties (texting at 2am and being loud are out of order).

I'm not sure why you are acting like the GF is an evil slut. She's just a girl and this is 'normal' as long as she is also legal age and consenting. Better for them to have sex in a safe environment with proper protection than somewhere else.

I would suggest laying off the ultimatums and having a good conversation about expected behaviours etc. it's up to you and DH if you let her stay over again. If you don't will you let DSS stay at her house? This GF could be around for a long time or maybe not but your DSS hopefully will be Thanks

YANBU to be concerned about your DSS - it's normal parenting
YABU to threaten him with the door for having a GF stay over IMO.

5128gap · 13/04/2022 20:46

Tell him very clearly what the rules are. Whether that's no overnights, once a week, with advance notice or whatever. You issued vague requests and trusted him to behave with consideration. That's never going to work with an 18 year old in his first sexual relationship, who will almost certainly prioritise the opportunity to have sex over courtesy to you. She will be a major influence on him at the moment, and he will put what she wants ahead of what you want, so you must give him firm clear boundaries about what is acceptable to the rest of the house hold, with no wriggle room.
For what it's worth, in your shoes I'd agree to a weekly stop over and also let her visit, if only to keep an eye on it, given you're concerned.

HotChoc10 · 13/04/2022 20:52

It's strange that you and your partner are angry at him for having sex in what is also his home imo (especially having allowed her to stay over).

Regularsizedrudy · 13/04/2022 21:08

It’s etc not ect

Svadhyaya · 13/04/2022 21:19

YANBU to want to set boundaries in your own home, whatever form they may take.

YABVVU to slut shame the girl and to hypothesise how many people she may or may not have slept with - that's totally irrelevant, as is how long ago she broke up with the last boyfriend. It also feels a little overly-invested that you even know that she is his first. I'm not sure at 18 his parents have any business knowing how many sexual partners he has or hasn't had.

OctopusSay · 13/04/2022 21:25

My advice would be don't make it about her. It's not her you don't like, it's the way he's behaving because of her. If you do become her (step)MIL you don't want to be starting from a place where "She's never liked me". Unlikely as that is as they're so young.

I'd be having stern words with the boy and setting some ground rules, but I wouldn't ban them. I limit the number of nights per week and tell them I want to hear absolutely nothing!

I also expect them to at least pass a few pleasantries before disappeared to his room.

This transition to adulthood is the hardest bit of parenthood so far IMO

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2022 21:52

@HotChoc10

It's strange that you and your partner are angry at him for having sex in what is also his home imo (especially having allowed her to stay over).
No need for it to be loud with his younger sister right next door.

Not something you particularly want a 13 year-old listening to

WonderfulYou · 13/04/2022 22:17

I voted YABU as you’re way too intense and judgemental.

You say she’s going expect him to pay for everything, how do you know that?

You were rude about her having sex with him after 4 months of breaking up with her ex. So what?
She’s allowed to have sex with other people. You don’t know if she ever had sex with her ex or if your SS was a virgin before her anyway.

You’re absolutely right to stop overnights but you and your DH need to take a step back and relax a bit.
Have rules and stick to them but know that your SS is growing up and needs to make his own mistakes.

Murdoch1949 · 16/04/2022 22:37

His dad should take the lead with him, but stepson is out of line. Your house, your rules.

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