Did I go too far?

[Stepmum23]

Bare with me this is a long post! Looking for advice..so my stepson (18yr old) met this girl, he asked if she could come over and stay. I said she could come over but not to stay as we had not met this girl. He himself had only met her a couple of times. So the girl comes over seems nice enough everything is fine. Then next weekend (Friday) they go out in town on a date and come back to our home..I ask if she is staying..so she does..and again he asked on Saturday can she stay I said OK but never assume always ask (reason being is my partner and I both work and sometimes up at 5am) so she stays over Saturday...and doesn't leave until Monday night..my partner and I both tell my step son no more overnights (partner was woke 3 times due to talking very loud and laughing). Step son asks if she can come over but not stay l, this is agreed but when either my partner or I go to bed she must go home. Fast forward to the next weekend I wake up at 7.30am Sunday morning to my partner very angry sitting beside me. Turns out stepson has brought her back to our home and is having sx very loudly at 6am..(13yr old sister in next room) my partner goes to go into living room and his friend is laying on the couch. I check my phone and I have a message at 2.30am (I was alseep) asking if she could stay and that she had a bad night and he didn't want to leave her ect ect..but the thing is this message was very different from they way he usually texts (punctuation was used and even a x at the end) I woke them up at 9.30am and told step son to get her out the house. Once said girl left I asked him why she text me from his phone making out to be him asking if she could stay and trying to make out like something was going on...his reply I don't know... I explained that this was manipulative but he doesn't get it and doesn't see anything wrong. I told him I don't want her back in our home. should also mention when she didn't go home on the previous Sunday he left her in our home whilst he went for a driving lesson* which is also why we put a stop to overnights. Anyway...my partner and I were very angry few choice words were said..this is his first girlfriend (although it's "not his girlfriend yet") she has quit uni, her job a day ago and I said to him she will be expecting him to pay for everything now as he works ect. I also said that she only got out a relationship 4 months ago and since they have gotten to know each other she's already slept with him (she is his first) he also told me she never stays at home always between friends uni accommodation ect so I said she could have slept with a couple of people in between (whilst giving a lecture about protection). Now I've calmed I feel bad but I don't want him getting used and I don't want them doing that in the house.. thank you in advance.

You are not a deeply unpleasant Individual OP and it’s completely up to you and yours what is allowed in the family home.

I'd be furious too OP. I hope huge lesson learned for you, however, in terms of how you speak to your SS about women. That does not mean you have to be the ones to support this girl, whether her lifestyle is chosen or a result of lack of other support. The situation is, in no small part, a result of his father and yourself failing to set clear boundaries. You've been caught unprepared for having an adult child. I think I would welcome this girl as a visitor, not begrudge her an odd meal with the family for instance, but no overnights. You may find she disappears in search of a better deal, if she is indeed a freeloader. Be prepared for being blamed for breaking up his relationship, if she does. On the other hand, she might really like your SS and respect your new boundaries. Time will tell. I agree with PP about apologising for how you spoke about her. It's a learning curve, but hey, you'll be better prepared for DD.

I’m also surprised there is not more votes for yabu. You are not being unreasonable for not wishing her to stay but good god you’re so unreasonable on uour speculating on her sex life. Absolutely appallingly so.

"Slut shaming" is the new "cancel the cheque". Honestly, it's like some of you have just learned a.new word or something.

OP its more than reasonable to have expectations of decent behaviour in your house. He needs to let you know before she stays over, she doesn't stay for more than one night at a time, and they keep the noise down overnight.

I have mentioned before that I dealt with this problem by knocking on my DDs door on my way to bed, and saying in my best Mrs Doyle voice, "Don't be doing the noisy sex now, you hear". According to DD, they both cringed so hard that sex was the last thing on their minds. smugface

YANBU to stop the overnights - you set some ground rules and he broke them.

YABU to have said this "he also told me she never stays at home always between friends uni accommodation ect so I said she could have slept with a couple of people in between " - you're basically accusing this girl of prostituting herself in return for a bed for the night.

etc. is short for et cetera (or etcetera in non-UK English) rather than ect, which stands for electroconvulsive therapy; a medical treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder.

You are not a deeply unpleasant Individual OP and it’s completely up to you and yours what is allowed in the family home.

Of course it’s completely up to OP what is allowed in her home, that’s reasonable and not in dispute. What’s distasteful, and deeply unpleasant, is OP basically calling the girl both a prostitute and a slut and seemingly encouraging her DS to view women as such.

I get why you would be annoyed but I wouldn't have done your DHs dirty work.

The only thing that needed addressing was the loud sex. It wont last.

The only issue here I can see is the broken trust and loud sex. Hes learning how to be an adult in your home, a calm conversation would have sufficed. You wouldn't have acted like that with a toddler pushing boundaries.