Did I go too far?

[Stepmum23]

Bare with me this is a long post! Looking for advice..so my stepson (18yr old) met this girl, he asked if she could come over and stay. I said she could come over but not to stay as we had not met this girl. He himself had only met her a couple of times. So the girl comes over seems nice enough everything is fine. Then next weekend (Friday) they go out in town on a date and come back to our home..I ask if she is staying..so she does..and again he asked on Saturday can she stay I said OK but never assume always ask (reason being is my partner and I both work and sometimes up at 5am) so she stays over Saturday...and doesn't leave until Monday night..my partner and I both tell my step son no more overnights (partner was woke 3 times due to talking very loud and laughing). Step son asks if she can come over but not stay l, this is agreed but when either my partner or I go to bed she must go home. Fast forward to the next weekend I wake up at 7.30am Sunday morning to my partner very angry sitting beside me. Turns out stepson has brought her back to our home and is having sx very loudly at 6am..(13yr old sister in next room) my partner goes to go into living room and his friend is laying on the couch. I check my phone and I have a message at 2.30am (I was alseep) asking if she could stay and that she had a bad night and he didn't want to leave her ect ect..but the thing is this message was very different from they way he usually texts (punctuation was used and even a x at the end) I woke them up at 9.30am and told step son to get her out the house. Once said girl left I asked him why she text me from his phone making out to be him asking if she could stay and trying to make out like something was going on...his reply I don't know... I explained that this was manipulative but he doesn't get it and doesn't see anything wrong. I told him I don't want her back in our home. should also mention when she didn't go home on the previous Sunday he left her in our home whilst he went for a driving lesson* which is also why we put a stop to overnights. Anyway...my partner and I were very angry few choice words were said..this is his first girlfriend (although it's "not his girlfriend yet") she has quit uni, her job a day ago and I said to him she will be expecting him to pay for everything now as he works ect. I also said that she only got out a relationship 4 months ago and since they have gotten to know each other she's already slept with him (she is his first) he also told me she never stays at home always between friends uni accommodation ect so I said she could have slept with a couple of people in between (whilst giving a lecture about protection). Now I've calmed I feel bad but I don't want him getting used and I don't want them doing that in the house.. thank you in advance.

Wow, poor chap. He’s an adult, yes discretion would be desirable but other than that it’s none of your business. You’ve already clearly demonstrated that it’s your problem, 1 by noting how scary it is that he’s growing up and 2 by slut shaming the woman ( not girl) involved.

I think at 18 it is reasonable for him to have a gf to stay the night but also it's reasonable for them to be quiet and considerate. (And they're young so it's likely they will need reminding.) Better they are at home than doing it in a pub car park.

Yes yabu, absolutely nothing wrong with two adults having sex he isn't 8 anymore. Now you've said about him moving out, make up your mind either you want hi out or its scary he's growing up. Massive over reaction. He asked if she could stay, they had sex, because you work shifts and have different sleep patterns your partner woke, didn't wake the 13 year old sister or you so it wasn't that loud. An adult conversation about sex in a relationship, respectful nightime noise and how ofter she is allowed to stay was all that was needed. What a massive over reaction to a normal development of a relationship. As for her texting off his phone god don't be so dramatic, have you never done it? "x you need to message your mum to check y" , "I can't be bothered it'll be fine, if you're bothered you do it." and you end up sending a text for them. I've had several partners ask me to text a parent for them, no big deal at all, you just needed to say you didn't like not knowing who it was actually from and in future if it's from her can she please put her name. You've massively acted like the teenager in this situation.

Which one is it? Is he 18 and an adult who is entitled to have sex in his parents house? Or is he 18 but still a child when it’s suggested that OP kicks him out if he can’t follow rules?

Personally, I don’t care how old he is, I would not want my DS (who is 18) to bring over random girls he’s just met to spend the night with him. It’s our family house so if he is told not to bring back his latest hookup then he needs to accept that.

My son is still at school, so as far as I’m concerned it will be a big fat no until he has a long term girlfriend or until he is working and contributing to the household.

Yabu. Why are you trying to slut shame a 18 year old for, shock horror, having had a previous relationship before meeting your poor innocent step son? Seriously, get a grip.

Look at that age you can absolutely lose the plot when you're in your first sexual relationship. I know I did. I wish my mum hadn't allowed overnights, my boyfriend at the time and I ended up becoming glued to each other and abandoning everything else- college etc. You really both need to help SS stay grounded - put very clear boundaries in place now.

You definitely went too far.

To be frank, you had more than enough valid concerns that you could have approached him with…but you’ve just made yourself look completely unreasonable by slut shaming her and calling her a gold digger. You went about it the wrong way and were quite nasty.

How old is she? Reading between the lines, she’s a young person that’s clearly struggling in life. It’s not normal for someone her age to sofa surf and drop out of uni and work. Like mentally is she okay? She clearly doesn’t have family support. It’s quite sad that the only person she has is someone she met 4 months ago, she seems vulnerable.

OP, you've admitted you were wrong for your choice of words and slut shaming her.

We've all said things we regret.

Now, moving on, you and your DH could have a talk with him and explain the rules properly. Decide between yourselves what youre comfortable with in the family home, especially with a young girl in the house.

Apologise for your reaction and explain why you said what you said and how it's wrong. Own up and let it be a two/three way conversation. Let him ask questions, explain about DD13 not needing to hear them at it and show understanding of teenage years etc.
Don't go into it with anger and hopefully he'll understand why & what he's done that is wrong.

He can't learn if the goal posts keep changing and you're not clear and firm.
Good luck, it's not easy dealing with teens/grown ups.

“Only” four months since she split from her ex? They’re teens. Four months is years to them.

You’ve completely over reacted. Slut shaming her was awful. Telling him to get a flat was even worse.

Are you trying to create a rift?

Your real problem is you tried to make the overnight policy up as your went along instead of thinking it through and explaining it clearly.

Apologise fulsomely. Agree a policy with your OH. Explain it to DSS. Insist on no loud sex, prior warning must be given etc.

Then stop trying to demonise this young woman and get to know her or you’ll drive him away.

You sound way too intense, judgemental and controlling. Our daughter 19 comes and goes as she pleases. She has a boyfriend who stays here and she stays at his. Sex is completely natural, as long as they are careful I don’t want or need to know unless she wants to talk to me about it/needs advice, we very relaxed and open with one another and she knows she can talk to me and DH about anything. The girl sounds vulnerable. The loud sex is wrong and you need to set boundaries about that but you shouldn’t micromanage his life or slut shame this girl, imagine if she was your daughter.

It is quite reasonable to set boundaries around having people staying in your home. Even for the friends of grown children who still live in your home. I've recently had this discussion with a grown child who is living with us. I expect him to check that it suits, I expect that the person won't be a complete stranger so I feel comfortable having them in my home, and certain basic behaviour standards exist. If that is violated, they won't get to stay again. I'm quite relaxed about it but there are boundaries. This is my home that I pay for and I need to feel comfortable in it and not have my sleep disturbed.

You're overreacting. You've said some very unkind and judgemental things about the girl. I feel sorry for her.

You were awful.

I just can't get over your slut-shaming of that poor girl.

Don't be surprised if your dss is disrespectful of women in the future, considering that you express yourself so horribly about other women.

@Stepmum23 - your house, your rules. Your DSS has overstepped the mark and it's quite reasonable to say that no overnights are allowed. If you don't lay some ground rules, you will get walked all over.
I don't think OP openly 'slut shamed' the girlfriend?

Yes I did basically slut shame the girl
Which is why I wouldn't listen to anything you said after that. You lost and showed yourself at the same time 🤷‍♀️

Oh FFS, enough with the slut shame blame. He is living (presumably rent free) with OP and her DP. He is flaunting their rules and I wonder who is encouraging this? She has a home to go to, but doesn’t. She has quit her job and she has quit her course. What does she do all day? She chooses to couch-surf with friends (that will be getting tired real soon) and “live” with OP’s DS even though she knows she’s not welcome there as well. She’s a teenage drama llama and a parasite.
I think OP should sit down with DS and this young woman and ask her what she contributes financially to the places she bunks at. Where she gets money for food, etc. If she is eating food at your place, you want to be financially reimbursed by HER, not your DS. She won’t like that very much at all, as she is an entitled princess and won’t bother you with her presence anymore.

Sounds to me he doesn’t have much say in what’s going on (such as the 2am text and expectation it would be ok) apart from getting his end away from time to time. Also sounds to me like the Girl/young woman needs to develop a relationship with you and yours before sharing your SS’s bed in the family home, as if the niceties haven’t been fully undertaken, and respect for other family members.

I would keep an eye on how quickly she progresses things (such as the money issue).

You definitely went too far when you slut shamed the girl. Until then I was on your side.

Sorry OP, I think you need to be clearer about the boundaries you set in your home.
I can certainly understand why you are annoyed, and I would be too, having a 13 year old in the house. DS new friend is virtually unknown to you, and him and not at the girlfriend stage yet, but he's been jeard having sex loudly with her.
I think in regards to you having the safe sec talk with him, maybe things became more personal to her situation than it needed to be- but given his lack of sexual experience and you seeing his naivete so far, you felt the need to point out what he (and his penis) may not be thinking about.

In your position I would discuss with his father what the expectations are of him, then discuss with him ...and even DD (in some form as to lay the ground rules in which she will need to follow in a few years time herself)

I think a good rule might be, to show your home and family some respect- that only girls who have made the status of girlfriend should really be staying over. If he isn't sure enough about her to classify her as girlfriend she shouldn't be in the family home overnight.

Maybe also that, you somehow manage to have a sex life without him being aware, each time you are at it, he needs to focus on that himself.

Get Dad to broach the safe sex talk again, less based on this girls sexual history but his own, and what an unexpected pregnancy, or STD could potentially mean... so to obviously not skip condoms.

Also outline if she's going to be welcome to stay again, what that scenario will look like...

I'd also be a bit 😒 about the text she wrote from him to you.

Your comments about her sexual activities - for which you have no evidence - are bloody appalling!

What is wrong with you?

And you’ll have lost all credibility as a sensible parent worth listening to, for that alone.

18 year olds push boundaries and test the waters, you’ve shown that you are remotely capable of handling this.

He (and she) have behaved badly too it’s true, but you look the worst in this by far.

Just ban all GFs from coming round -safer for your DS and them.

YANBU in that I wouldn’t appreciate my kids having sex in my house either while we are home. DH and I respect them in this regard so believe they should work both ways. I also wouldn’t appreciate general loud carry on if they have siblings trying to sleep.

However, notwithstanding, you sound like a deeply unpleasant individual.

aren’t remotely capable of handling it.

And to the ‘it’s scary, he’s growing up’ comment… good god! Have a word with yourself!

Yeah, in shaming her to him you lost all credibility there. Way to teach your step son how to think about women.

You've got worse problems than his girlfriend.