To think this is not a holiday!

[WilsonMilson]

We are lucky enough to own two homes, I know I’m fortunate and I’m very grateful. Nevertheless, I’m here for a rant.

During term time, we live in our main home. I am self employed and wfm, it’s the sort of work where I have to be available to speak with clients even when on holiday. I also do all the cooking, cleaning and general running of the house, including the 45 min round trip to school twice a day with teen dc. DH has a very stressful and full on job, my job is less hours and much less stress so it makes sense to divide labour this way. I don’t generally mind.

During school holidays we travel (7 hours) to our other very much smaller home which is in my home town beside my family. DH works remotely when we are here and I still keep up with my own work. When we are here DH goes on about me being ‘on holiday’.

I’m not though, am I? I’m here still cleaning and cooking, just in a different bloody house. I also have the added responsibility of elderly and increasingly needy parents whom I want to spend time with and also have to do things for, I don’t have any brothers or sisters to pick up the slack. So I’m on an endless guilt trip if I don’t spend every moment possible with them and do all the obligatory visits to extended family. I also try to catch up with friends and get jobs down in the house and garden, taxi ds about and have date nights with DH so he’s not feeling neglected in all of this. It’s non bloody stop.

I’ve been here for a few days and I’m knackered, just worn out and run ragged trying to be everything to everyone.

Currently fantasising about taking myself off for a couple of days to escape and be at no one’s beck and call, no taxi services for teen, no endless domestic drudge, not having to be anything other than quiet in my own company with only myself to keep happy!

Anyway, feeling better for committing this to print and going to make myself a coffee. I do mean this lightheartedly as I am lucky in so many ways and DH really is wonderful and I have a great family. It’s just a lot sometimes and feels endless. Can anyone else relate?

So, I guess AIBU in thinking that this is not really a holiday for me?

What does "still keep up with my own work" entail? Because that could be enough to send someone over the edge if it's a lot!

And I get what you mean. Personally I would have to have a chat with dh about it because it would make me really cross that he thinks I am on holiday in these circumstances.

Point out all that you do and ask him to stop. And yes, do arrange a couple of nights away for yourself .

It doesn't sound like a holiday at all!

Can you teens help a bit with cooking / cleaning?

If it’s designated as a holiday then there should be meals out, help with cleaning and other treats that make life easy for you. It’s a reason I’d never want a second home- just more things to go wrong and need my attention.

I'm with you, just stop. See your parents & friends. Everyone is capable of getting their own food and doing their own cleaning and washing
I'm literally thinking of withdrawing all the extras I do this weekend. I'm sick of being responsible when everyone just carries on

Next time he says "your holiday", list what you have done.
Holiday? Hang on, I've done 2 loads of laundry, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, sorted xyz for parents, driven dc to abc & made lunch & dinner for everyone AND dealt with 3 clients today.
On what planet is that a holiday?????

@Chamomileteaplease I’m trying to keep work to a minimum so I’d estimate 2 hours a day while we are here, totally manageable, but unpredictable as don’t know when clients are going to be looking for me. It’s just that on top of everything else.

Going to speak to DH about it as I was upset last night and he didn’t really understand why as I’m supposed to be happy while we are here as I’m getting to see my family and I’m ‘on holiday’. Yeah, whoopee!!

I agree that I bring a lot of it on myself in that I simply just do it - perhaps I should just stop doing everything I do. Teen could do more but never does, which again is my own fault. Half the time I’m sure no one notices that suddenly all the washing, cleaning and cooking is done like magic.

Having 2 homes is not all it’s cracked up to me, unless you are super wealthy and can afford help and other holidays. For us it means we rarely go anywhere else on a proper holiday and so I’m basically just doing the same shit (actually more) in a different place 365 a year.

Why can’t you book holiday from work? Out of hours message/ email? Is your work so time sensitive?

Why can't you go on an actual holiday? Visiting family in s/c even if you own it (been there / done that), isn't a holiday.

A holiday involves not working so no you aren't on holiday. Do you ever get a break from your WFH job?

I'd sell the second home in your shoes. Sounds more hassle than its worth.

I think to get a teen to do something you generally have to be extremely clear with them, to tell them that you expect them to empty the dishwasher before noon or whatever, and then ignore any complaints from them. Turn your ears off so it doesn’t annoy you and you’ll end up emptying the dishwasher yourself. But, it does sound as if you need to do the same with your dh..? ’If you hang up the washing, I’ll start on the cooking.’ And keep repeating to him that this is NOT a holiday, but you really DO need a proper holiday. After dinner go and sit down with a glass of wine and a book, and look very surprised if your DH expects you to help clear up.

But working 2 hours per day does sound like a bit of a holiday, if your DH is still working his FT stressful job....

I'd have to say crisply, Don't be so bloody ridiculous! Yes, it's very nice to be able to have a place near my parents - but I'm still doing all the housework, childcare and cooking. As indeed I do at home. If you make a comment one more time about me being 'on holiday' I will not be liable for the consequences. I had previously assumed you were reasonably intelligent.

No, I don't think that's in any way a holiday, it's exactly the same as normal time just in a different place. Can you not take any holiday from your own business? - ie warn clients in advance and put an out of office on? I also think for it to be an actual holiday, irrespective of location, your DH would need to be on holiday too and thus wherever you are, sharing the domestic load (the ferrying children, meals etc that still happen even when somewhere completely different for holiday eg self catering somewhere) to whatever extent you still have it during the 'holiday' 50:50 with you. Granted most people can only do this for x number of weeks per year, but there should be a distinction between actual holiday and just spending time in your other home whilst still carrying on as normal (plus helping with elderly parents).

If your husband works whilst there-why does he bother going?

At least that would be one less person for you to be looking after!

So what happens when your OH is on annual leave from work? Do you go away somewhere or do you stay in your second home but split the housework a bit more?

YANBU, that sounds exhausting. I also go 'back home' often (albeit in a different country and without looking after my own place) but it never feels like a proper rest. There's just so much to do.

That said, why isn't the teen doing their share of cleaning and cooking? Why can't they move around on a bicycle? I'd stop the ferrying about - if they're old enough to socialise, they're old enough to get on a bike and get themselves where they want to go.

Having 2 homes is not all it’s cracked up to me, unless you are super wealthy and can afford help and other holidays. For us it means we rarely go anywhere else on a proper holiday and so I’m basically just doing the same shit (actually more) in a different place 365 a year.

So why don't you sell your second home, and use the money to pay for "proper" holidays? You can also use the money to rent a place for a couple of weeks in your hometown if you want to visit family.

Yeah, doesn't really sound like a holiday to me. Much as I'd love a second home, if your partner is working remotely from there and you're doing a couple of hours of your paid job a day as well as all the same household stuff you do at home, it's not actually a holiday for anyone, is it?

I think I would be inclined to either sell your holiday home or rent it out and use the money for an annual holiday where neither of you are working and you're eating in restaurants every night.

Rent out the second home and use the money to go on an all inclusive beach holiday 🏖

When you go to your second home only use the kitchen for easy breakfasts, tea/coffee . Keep up with your washing...much easier than trying to catch up when you go home home. But NO ironing . Basic tidying, bedmaking etc should be shared equally but I don't really see the point if both of you are wf(2nd)h

It's NOT your fault that DH doesn't do anything or doesn't notice all the work you do. Do not take on that guilt, that's his. He can see what you do but doesn't appreciate it. Just stop doing it. Let laundry pile up, let the kitchen get dirty. Only do stuff for you and some for your child.

Secondly, review your current arrangement because none of that sounds like a holiday.

That's not a holiday that's just living somewhere else for a while.

Sell the 2nd house, teen and your dh stay at home, you visit elderly parents, staying with them. I would not be running my teen round unless there is zero public transport (so he/stays at the main home). What is the point of your dh being there?

Maybe your standards are too high so you put yourself under pressure? Think about how you can cut back so you have more time.