Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think this is not a holiday!

78 replies

WilsonMilson · 13/04/2022 13:34

We are lucky enough to own two homes, I know I’m fortunate and I’m very grateful. Nevertheless, I’m here for a rant.

During term time, we live in our main home. I am self employed and wfm, it’s the sort of work where I have to be available to speak with clients even when on holiday. I also do all the cooking, cleaning and general running of the house, including the 45 min round trip to school twice a day with teen dc. DH has a very stressful and full on job, my job is less hours and much less stress so it makes sense to divide labour this way. I don’t generally mind.

During school holidays we travel (7 hours) to our other very much smaller home which is in my home town beside my family. DH works remotely when we are here and I still keep up with my own work. When we are here DH goes on about me being ‘on holiday’.

I’m not though, am I? I’m here still cleaning and cooking, just in a different bloody house. I also have the added responsibility of elderly and increasingly needy parents whom I want to spend time with and also have to do things for, I don’t have any brothers or sisters to pick up the slack. So I’m on an endless guilt trip if I don’t spend every moment possible with them and do all the obligatory visits to extended family. I also try to catch up with friends and get jobs down in the house and garden, taxi ds about and have date nights with DH so he’s not feeling neglected in all of this. It’s non bloody stop.

I’ve been here for a few days and I’m knackered, just worn out and run ragged trying to be everything to everyone.

Currently fantasising about taking myself off for a couple of days to escape and be at no one’s beck and call, no taxi services for teen, no endless domestic drudge, not having to be anything other than quiet in my own company with only myself to keep happy!

Anyway, feeling better for committing this to print and going to make myself a coffee. I do mean this lightheartedly as I am lucky in so many ways and DH really is wonderful and I have a great family. It’s just a lot sometimes and feels endless. Can anyone else relate?

So, I guess AIBU in thinking that this is not really a holiday for me?

OP posts:

kimfox · 13/04/2022 17:30

No this is not a holiday, this is normal life in another location with extra obligations thrown in. Your term time house sounds like more of a holiday tbh!

We've got a holiday home in Europe (because it was cheaper than staying in hotels with 5DCs) and I get it. It's rented out as a holiday let mostly, but DH loves it and always wants to go there on holiday. Eating out is extremely pricey so mostly it's S/C. So constant food shopping / cooking / cleaning and laundry. I do appreciate the change of scene but it doesn't feel like a break from domestic duties. DH asked what I wanted to do this summer & I said go to a desert island by myself & have someone bring me cocktails all day. 😂

Octomore · 13/04/2022 17:38

Why on earth are your teens not doing some chores?

Hadalifeonce · 13/04/2022 17:42

This reason is why I refuse to do self catering 'holidays'.
I told DH it isn't a holiday, it's just a change of venue.

Wingingit15 · 13/04/2022 17:43

To be fair if my spouse did two hours work and I was working full time, I’d expect them to do a good share of domestics - different if it was not frequent to see family but that’s 1/4 of the year

DisforDarkChocolate · 13/04/2022 17:46

Honestly, you are making this problem far worse than it it.

DH is not too important to do some school runs, order food online, do housework or wash clothes. No one is ever too important to clean the loo they crap in.

Delegate, outsource and kick that teen and DH up the backside.

Fluffruff · 13/04/2022 17:49

I get you exactly. My parents live far away so we have to use the holidays to fly to see them (or do a v long drive). When I’m there I’m sometimes having to squeeze in a bit of work on top of the usual child caring drudgery - cooking all their meals, playing, bath and bedtime. Sometimes when I’ve got back my mum calls and says ‘I do hope you enjoyed your holiday here!’ She means well but it’s not really a relaxing holiday just same stuff in a house not as convenient as my own with all the children’s toys etc!

diddl · 13/04/2022 17:58

Surely all holidays don't have to be spent there though?

If you are working 2hrs & your husband fulltime for most of the weeks that you are there yes of course you will do more.

Are you ferrying your teen around at times when your husband is working & can't?

Of course you want to see your parents & do stuff for them-but it's your choice how much.

I would have thought you can have a couple of days of doing nothing-but you have to make it happen!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2022 18:11

@WilsonMilson

We spent summers at 'the beach house' and it seemed to me that it was the 'same thing in a different location' for my mum. I asked her about it and she said that she didn't do nearly as much 'domestic work' there as at home. She didn't cook breakfast (we had cold cereal/pastries and fruit), we usually had sandwiches for lunch, and dinner was usually BBQ or takeaway rather than a hot cooked meal every night. Once we were old enough we got our own breakfast & lunches and occasionally cooked a meal and cleaned up after ourselves. She said she let her housekeeping standards 'slip a bit' at the beach house (our home was always spotless) and we used paper goods rather than dishes. She said she enjoyed the change of scenery, 'feeling lazy', and days of lounging on the beach.

DH and I are RVers and TBH I do the same. There are a lot of things you can 'let go' to give yourself a holiday.

Obviously if you're having to deal with elderly parents that's something that can't be avoided. But if I were you I'd try to 'pare down' the visiting around and catching up with people in the area. AND there is no reason why your teens AND your DH can't pitch in and help out!

BunnyFree · 13/04/2022 18:12

Assuming cost is not a big issue here.
What is stopping you from getting a cleaner - at least at your holiday home? And buying some frozen meals from somewhere like 'cook' which does reasonable quality? If people complain they can cook instead.

We instituted once a week cooking nights for DCs when they were teens - whatever they cooked was complimented and celebrated - are in their 20s they are now good cooks.

mrziggycoco · 13/04/2022 18:32

No, it's not a holiday. A holiday really is a concept and subjective. If you don't feel rested, in fact if you feel you've been put upon more because of the holiday, then it's at least not a holiday and at worst a chore.

I too an a homemaker who works, and when on holiday it's me and his mum (we go as a family) who do all the cooking and cleaning. My husband just sits there the entire time because he is on holiday.

For me it's more cleaning as there's more of us (with in-laws) but also I don't really want to go on holidays. I like my life and just want to carry on doing that.

But hey ho, my husband works many hours per week and wants to provide for us, so he deserves the holiday, our daughter loves it, and I'm happy to assist.

Original poster

WilsonMilson · 13/04/2022 19:09

I do agree that I don’t help myself sometimes, in that I don’t demand more of teen, and I could definitely get him involved more with cooking and cleaning, and no doubt that would help his life skills no end. I’ll try to do that more and make it a ‘thing’ that one evening he cooks, no doubt it will be more work the first few times until he gets a bit of a repertoire. I think I’ve avoided that as I can just imagine the chaos, but he’s got to learn sometime.

The endless expectations my parents and some extended family have of my time when I’m here is a more difficult issue to solve, and I’m not sure there is a solution really.

DH will be mucking in next week when he’s off. He’s generally good about it when he’s asked or told what to do, he just doesn’t seem to see what needs to be done without being told, but he will help, and I do agree that the lion’s share of the domestic tasks should lie at my door given that my work is far less demanding.

I’m just quite worn out and dreaming of lying on a sunlounger with a good book a G&T and absolutely no one making demands of me.

OP posts:

FridayBluezzzz · 13/04/2022 19:16

I don’t think visiting people is a holiday. Your time isn’t your own, not doing things you want to do, probably not in a place you would go on holiday. It’s not a holiday.

A580Hojas · 13/04/2022 19:20

But you choose to have a second home close to your elderly parents. You choose to go there 12 weeks of the year (or whatever non term time adds up to). It's just your life in a different place with the added burden of spending time looking after your parents.

Of course it's not a holiday. For most people a holiday is going away somewhere and not working or doing extra family related commitments. But they do it once or twice a year (most people) for a week or two.

Second homes are a big commitment. And an enormous privilege and unnecessary especially if you are going to complain about it.

Wingingit15 · 13/04/2022 19:22

@WilsonMilson

The endless expectations my parents and some extended family have of my time when I’m here is a more difficult issue to solve, and I’m not sure there is a solution really.

I’m just quite worn out and dreaming of lying on a sunlounger with a good book a G&T and absolutely no one making demands of me.

To be fair - if your kids are teens it’s very likely in a few years you’ll get that chance and it’ll probably then feel very quiet !

Cantstandsmugness · 13/04/2022 19:35

Sell it, stay in hotels when seeing parents, let your teen stay in halls when going to uni (will probably have a much better time). When you retire sell up and move there. In the meantime go away in all inc hotels so you don't have to do anything. Seriously .... get a grip. How fortunate you are! Why the hell do you have to go there every holiday anyway?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2022 19:43

The endless expectations my parents and some extended family have of my time when I’m here is a more difficult issue to solve, and I’m not sure there is a solution really.

@WilsonMilson

Your parents, that's possibly true. But again, think carefully about their needs and see if there aren't ways to mitigate them. But extended family? There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm so sorry but that won't be possible this time" when you're asked to visit. Your mental health is worth more than a few hurt feelings. My parents early on had to start saying no to the extended family members who wanted to 'drop by' and be hosted or cadge a few days when we were at the beach because it got to be like a revolving door.

As far as that G&T on a lounger, just do it!! There's nothing that can't wait til tomorrow.

rainyskylight · 13/04/2022 19:47

I think it’s on you that you’re not saying to clients that you’re having some family time. I work in a very on call industry and I am also a pretty demanding client. If one of our suppliers said “Hi Rainy, just to let you know, next week I’m taking a few days to spend with my family, will be back at my desk on X and if anything is urgent, do call”, then I 💯 would never dream about bothering them and would not hold it against them.

MzHz · 13/04/2022 20:08

Had a similar conversation the other day. DH is toying with buying a flat in London so we can go up and spend time doing stuff in town

All well and good… but in all the time we’ve been together- years! - we have been twice! And his kids live in town, his mum lives in town… they come to us.. more sodding work for me, but whatever 🤣😂

I said no to buying something else to have to clean/maintain etc and that we could spend a fortune on lovely hotel stays, being looked after and none of the nonsense of upkeep or security etc etc and STILL not spend the money he’d need to spend to buy in an area he’d want to spend time in..

He said “oh. But I want a home from home there…” I said, I don’t want to have to go up and cook something for us, I want time OFF from that!”

Ffs. I’m totally with you

Plus I don’t really agree with owning multiple homes, it’s too much hassle and too much of a footprint

Far better for me to go visit places, stay somewhere nice and then explore somewhere else another time

I get that your circumstances are different in that this is family etc, but we don’t have that, and I’m glad tbh.

StrangeAddiction · 13/04/2022 20:19

Yanbu.

Same shit different house!

The last few years we'd only had touring caravan holidays and I started not looking forward to them because I do more work there than I do at home. Hand washing dishes, make all the beds up, dragging bottles of water to fill the water barrel and the worst bit - emptying the toilet waste!

Maray1967 · 13/04/2022 20:39

I would tell him straight - this is not a holiday, please stop calling this a holiday.
This is why I am not doing self catering again. It’s not just the cooking and washing up, it’s the food shopping. I need a break from it.

billy1966 · 13/04/2022 21:00

OP, you sound like a complete skivvy wife from the 1950's.

I bet your husband is delighted.

His difficulty in understanding is hilarious.

Of course he knows well, but you are the family martyr/mug who sounds like she is on course for a nervous breakdown or illness.

Your husband reads like a selfish arse who has to be told what to do.

You need to give your head a wobble and find some self respect.

Your whole family have an idiot made of you and don't they know it.

You need to start minding yourself and stop running yourself ragged for people who are more than happy to watch you do it all.

Your life sounds like hell. Hell.

Start making the changes now before menopause hits and you take an AK47 to them all!😁

Wingingit15 · 13/04/2022 21:08

@billy1966 extreme much ?!
Breaking it down, this is about the hardship of living in a second home for 1/4 of the year or thereabouts while working approx two hours a day and juggling teens (who presumably don’t need active care) and spending time with parents.

Heronwatcher · 13/04/2022 21:14

Erm of course it’s not a holiday if you and your DH are both working. You need to take time off properly- out of office on, not logging on, in the event of a dire emergency call me. If neither of you can do this then I think you need to have a look at your lifestyle/ finances and make some changes as never having time off is absolutely not sustainable.

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 21:48

@billy1966