Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think this is not a holiday!

78 replies

WilsonMilson · 13/04/2022 13:34

We are lucky enough to own two homes, I know I’m fortunate and I’m very grateful. Nevertheless, I’m here for a rant.

During term time, we live in our main home. I am self employed and wfm, it’s the sort of work where I have to be available to speak with clients even when on holiday. I also do all the cooking, cleaning and general running of the house, including the 45 min round trip to school twice a day with teen dc. DH has a very stressful and full on job, my job is less hours and much less stress so it makes sense to divide labour this way. I don’t generally mind.

During school holidays we travel (7 hours) to our other very much smaller home which is in my home town beside my family. DH works remotely when we are here and I still keep up with my own work. When we are here DH goes on about me being ‘on holiday’.

I’m not though, am I? I’m here still cleaning and cooking, just in a different bloody house. I also have the added responsibility of elderly and increasingly needy parents whom I want to spend time with and also have to do things for, I don’t have any brothers or sisters to pick up the slack. So I’m on an endless guilt trip if I don’t spend every moment possible with them and do all the obligatory visits to extended family. I also try to catch up with friends and get jobs down in the house and garden, taxi ds about and have date nights with DH so he’s not feeling neglected in all of this. It’s non bloody stop.

I’ve been here for a few days and I’m knackered, just worn out and run ragged trying to be everything to everyone.

Currently fantasising about taking myself off for a couple of days to escape and be at no one’s beck and call, no taxi services for teen, no endless domestic drudge, not having to be anything other than quiet in my own company with only myself to keep happy!

Anyway, feeling better for committing this to print and going to make myself a coffee. I do mean this lightheartedly as I am lucky in so many ways and DH really is wonderful and I have a great family. It’s just a lot sometimes and feels endless. Can anyone else relate?

So, I guess AIBU in thinking that this is not really a holiday for me?

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 13/04/2022 15:59

Sell the second home and use the money to make your life easier. Pay someone to cook clean etc in your main home and when you visit parents stay with them or in a hotel where someone else has responsibility for maintenance etc.

Yellownightmare · 13/04/2022 16:02

I'd never have a second home for that reason. My parents did and we used to have to make up beds when we arrived, and somehow wash sheets and clean on the morning before we left. I did most of the shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare and we had to buy my parents stuff, cook them a meal and take them out for the pleasure of my non-holiday.

Much nicer to book an air bnb or a hotel and have someone else take the load. Two hours work a day is much easier than all the domestic drudgery.

And why doesn't your 'wonderful' husband take some time off so he can take some of the load.

diddl · 13/04/2022 16:03

So it's a house that you have where you used to live to facilitate visiting there?

Would it be better to sell/rent & fund visits that way?

Why are you going there instead of on holiday as a family?

Wingingit15 · 13/04/2022 16:26

So basically you’re living in a second home and parenting ?
I guess if it’s 13 weeks a year your dh isn’t going to be in holiday? But otherwise, why not book time off work properly together.
A second home should be an indulgence, not feel like it’s a drain.

PerseverancePays · 13/04/2022 16:27

For most people the word 'holiday' means you are not working. As both of you are; it is not a holiday.
Do you get equal downtime, or does your husband just kick back after work and watch you make dinner and tidy up?

Aprilx · 13/04/2022 16:30

I wouldn’t call it a holiday, but as you only work two hours a day, it isn’t that surprising that you are picking up the housework.

lemongreentea · 13/04/2022 16:33

No its not a holiday for you.

What do you want to happen OP? Sell the 2nd home and use the money to go on holiday? Or something else?

I would stop doing everything that you wouldnt normally do on holiday and let your husband see what happens.

steppemum · 13/04/2022 16:35

we go on holiday to self catering accommodation.
When kids were about 15/13/10 I told the whole family that we were taking it in turns to cook while away.
It was a shock, and I had to sit on my hands while they did it (they could ask for help, but i wasn't going to hover over them)
It worked, not least because they all finally realised what a pain it is to have to leave the pool and come in and start making food.

You need to do something like this.
When you are away, everyone steps up.

OR you accept that this isn't holiday, it is home from home, and then book another holiday which is where you both don't work at all, even if just for a weekend.

Hbh17 · 13/04/2022 16:37

Sell the second home & use the money to go on some proper holidays - that include zero work!

KeyWorker · 13/04/2022 16:52

It just sound like normal life but split over 2 houses. Why don’t you sell one house and live in the other on a permanent basis. Then you could use the money from the sale of the house to actually go on holiday.

Sunnytwobridges · 13/04/2022 16:58

Sounds miserable. I would've sent the DH and DCs to the second home and stayed behind, that would've been more of a holiday than the one you're having now.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/04/2022 17:02

I don't understand why you do all the cooking and cleaning day to day in your normal life. Your husband should be doing half.

wonkygorgeous · 13/04/2022 17:02

I think your second home is a bit of a red herring as you are doing even more work at your second home. It's just splitting family time between two homes it's not a 'holiday'.

I ferry my teens about, keep house and look after elderly parents. I have a child with SEN in the mix too and I take them to provision which takes 10 hours driving a week on top of my other children.

I do not have paid work. I don't have the time to work!

My husband recognises my efforts and will constantly arrange stress free mini holidays so I can have complete breaks, he even packs for both of us ❤️.
I think without him recognising what I do, appreciating what I contribute and protecting my mental health I'd have caved by now.

You need what you do for your family acknowledge and recognised by your husband a little more.

user1471538283 · 13/04/2022 17:04

That is not a holiday. This is why I would never have a holiday home and I hate renting apartments on holiday. It's just swapping one drudgery for another.

HaggisBurger · 13/04/2022 17:06

[quote WilsonMilson]@Chamomileteaplease I’m trying to keep work to a minimum so I’d estimate 2 hours a day while we are here, totally manageable, but unpredictable as don’t know when clients are going to be looking for me. It’s just that on top of everything else.

Going to speak to DH about it as I was upset last night and he didn’t really understand why as I’m supposed to be happy while we are here as I’m getting to see my family and I’m ‘on holiday’. Yeah, whoopee!!

I agree that I bring a lot of it on myself in that I simply just do it - perhaps I should just stop doing everything I do. Teen could do more but never does, which again is my own fault. Half the time I’m sure no one notices that suddenly all the washing, cleaning and cooking is done like magic.

Having 2 homes is not all it’s cracked up to me, unless you are super wealthy and can afford help and other holidays. For us it means we rarely go anywhere else on a proper holiday and so I’m basically just doing the same shit (actually more) in a different place 365 a year.[/quote]
I’ve always thought that myself. The thought of arriving somewhere and have to start making up beds etc etc fills me with horror.

I think your DH needs to pitch in a bit more despite his Big Important Man Job. And realise that a holiday is more like a hotel where someone else makes your beds and cooks the meals … oh yeah like what he has all the time 🤔😂

A580Hojas · 13/04/2022 17:07

Your dh is working and you are working and seeing your parents whilst you're at your second home. Obviously it's not a holiday, I'm not sure what you're even asking.

Or do you expect to be "on holiday" for every non term time week of the year?

Don't you ever feel like going somewhere else? Don't your teens moan about being taken away from their friends every school holiday?

Your second home sounds like a bit of an albatross to me.

MarriedThreeChildren · 13/04/2022 17:08

I’d ask him what he thinks a holiday is. What does he do during his holiday? I suspect there is no or little cleaning involved, looking after elderly parents and still dealing with clients! Let alone the cleaning, cooking etc…

Sounds like in his mind all the housework, wife work, caring for elderly parents is JUST NOT WORK (because not paid blabla) so you spending your time doing that is a holiday.
Maybe he should try your style of holiday fir a week and then come back to tell you if it was indeed a holiday….

MarriedThreeChildren · 13/04/2022 17:10

And realise that a holiday is more like a hotel where someone else makes your beds and cooks the meals … oh yeah like what he has all the time 🤔😂

That’s an excellent point @HaggisBurger

Original poster

WilsonMilson · 13/04/2022 17:12

That’s exactly it, it’s normal life split over 2 properties with what feels like twice the work for me. I’m also a bit of a perfectionist as I think it was @TillyTopper suggested, so my standards could be lowered quite a bit in terms of cleaning and having everything done just right.

As for my business, it’s just me, so I do need to be at the beck and call of clients unfortunately as it is time sensitive, but I’m trying to minimise it as much as possible over Easter. Clients do tend to be reasonably respectful, but there’s always a few who think you should be there 24/7.

To be fair to DH, he can’t have 13 weeks holiday a year, as we come here during school holidays and he has to work, but he does take some time off when he can - he’s taking next week off, but I’ll still end up doing the cooking most of the time and I’ll probably be in a terrible mood by then. We will have meal out together next week, and I’m organising a restaurant birthday party for my dm too.

Also, during next week we have to visit the in laws for a night, they live in yet another part of the country and are another few hours drive away. I could seriously do without that, but feel obliged to go.

I don’t want to sell at this point as ds wants to go to university here and would live in the house. Plus, the long term plan is to retire back here, sell the main house. Plus, honestly the thought of staying with my parents when I come here is far more stressful than having our own place - that really would send me over the edge!!

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 13/04/2022 17:13

Basically you had to drive 7hrs? To relocate , work, house work and add to that family responsibilities...

I'd fill in a time sheet for yourself and tell him to step up. And I'd book a few nights away

latetothefisting · 13/04/2022 17:14

Sounds like both teen and DH could and should do more.
Yeah DH has his busy stressful job - so what would he do if he wasn't married? What do his unmarried colleagues do? Presumably if he were single he would still have to do SOME basic personal and house care and pay to outsource the rest rather than just living in a filthy pit with no clean clothes, not paying any bills before he dies of starvation?
So he can do SOMETHING to help then, even if its just the bare minimum.

HikingforScenery · 13/04/2022 17:15

Having 2 homes is not all it’s cracked up to me, unless you are super wealthy and can afford help and other holidays. For us it means we rarely go anywhere else on a proper holiday and so I’m basically just doing the same shit (actually more) in a different place 365 a year.[/quote]
Sounds like you’re not going to do anything about the teen’s input. Until they end up with a partner and won’t lift a finger to help. For the sake of their future, get them involved, even if you’re happy going it all.

I can’t see how wonderful your fb is if he’s leaving you to do everything all the time? Hopefully, he pulls his weight when he’s not working.

violetbunny · 13/04/2022 17:19

So if DH is taking next week off, why wouldn't he be doing 50% of the cooking, cleaning and running around? I think you need to have a conversation this week and explain that for your own mental health you BOTH need an actual break! So you expect him to cook and tidy and pull his weight.Spell it out for him exactly what needs doing!

MyBottomDecides · 13/04/2022 17:21

I sympathise OP. Parents live abroad in a lovely place and we are very fortunate to have connections with a second lovely place. This means every holiday- as in booked time off work away from home, not whenever schools are shut - has been in one or other of these places for years. Which in turn means I'm either participating in my DMs life and concerns, trying to offer maximum support to her (elderly and increasing needs) while keeping DC entertained, or I'm doing the self catering/housework abroad thing. Certainly not complaining that I have the opportunity to go to both places, and recognise that with DC/DP to some extent holidays are work inevitably anyway. But I would love to have a holiday involving restaurants, museums, a nice hotel room to myself, downtime in cafes and pleasurable activities during the day that don't involve laundry, shopping cooking and cleaning.

DrDetriment · 13/04/2022 17:23

YANB totally U but you are being a bit of a mummy martyr. You do work a lot less than your DH so yes, you should be doing more of the house stuff. However, other family members need to pitch in. Kids should be making and clearing up their own breakfasts and lunches. Evening meals can be prepped in advance by you. DH could maybe take on some of the washing and why are you acting as a taxi service for the kids? Can't they cycle or get the bus? Or if it's getting too much for you driving them places, learn to say no. Sounds like you need to toughen up, draw some boundaries and ask for help.

Flip

1 2 3 4