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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To trust my gut with this one?

100 replies

soph901 · 13/04/2022 09:50

I've been seeing a guy since October and he's known from the start I suffer with anxiety and depression. For the majority I am okay, I go to work and I'm quite a happy person however I was hospitalised last year with my depression.

Anyway, he's got a temper and he's been in a few fights since I've been seeing him. He's a boxer and I think that same attitude comes out when in normal situations.

We are in our 30s and I've never been with anyone who's had a temper etc, we were in the local pub with his parents and he kicked off because a man was touching a girl at a bar who he knew and she has a boyfriend. It was embarrassing and I didn't know what to do or say. His Dad is a retired chief inspector for the met and this was the first time I met them. I couldn't work out how this guy I'd met who told me he'd come from a respectable family etc had such bad anger problems.

At the weekend, we went out for drinks for a friends birthday. He kicked off because a man spoke to me at the bar (literally said how long it was taking to being served) nothing untoward or flirty. We got back to his friends and he kicked me out, 45 minutes away from my home town and I had to call my friend to pick me up.

He stayed up all night snorting cocaine and drinking, again, I've never touched drugs and something I disagree with. All night he was sending me nasty messages and then Sunday asked me to go round and talk, my car was at his and some of my clothes etc so I got dropped off.

He was really sorry and I let it go. Monday I woke up with really bad anxiety and I was upset, he shouted at me, told me I need to exercise and that he wish he had time to be down but he can't as he's got a house to run etc.

I went to work feeling really small and run down. Last night I got back to his after work and he got us a take away, I had a massive lump in my throat and chest and my stomach was in knots and I cannot explain how uncomfortable I felt. Again, he was really nice and ran me a bath. Whilst I was in the bath the feeling of needing to get away was getting stronger and I text my aunt to let her know that I had a gut feeling to get away, he was in bed and I said to her I would pack my stuff in the morning when he went to work and leave.

This morning he's called and I've cried because I'm so gutted that the guy who was so nice to me in the beginning is somebody I don't recognise. I've never been in an abusive relationship before but he was again, really kind and saying he was sorry for the way he handled my anxiety. This was after I told him I was going home for a while. I feel like he's playing the nice guy to get me to stay there.

I've come home and my stomach is in knots but I feel such relief that I'm away from his house and him.

I'm rambling and I'm doubting myself and wondering whether I've been too hasty in leaving even though I feel relief.

I've never had a gut feeling so strong to get away from somebody and I think it's shocked me.

In your experience are strong gut feelings mostly right. Im so conflicted because of the loving, attentive person he can be. I just feel really sad.

OP posts:

Cheeseandlobster · 13/04/2022 11:48

Though actually don't meet him face to face if you can. He will probably use it as an opportunity to manipulate you by getting pretend teary or declaring he loves you

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/04/2022 11:48

Well done for being strong enough to walk away. You should be really proud of yourself.
Screenshot/keep all messages and if he continues to contact you, call the police. At least there will be a record somewhere for his next victim.

AllCatsAreBeautiful · 13/04/2022 11:53

This guy is abusive. You must leave the relationship now and never go back — he is a risk to your life. Sadly leaving an abusive relationship is an extremely dangerous time: I would talk to Women’s Aid for advice and to hear their take (you can call them for a chat - it doesn’t have to be a big deal). I think you should talk to at least one (possibly more) friends who live nearby and tell them what has been going on, and arrange to have one of them with you when you message him to say it is over. Your friend should stay overnight if that is possible. I would also agree a specific phrase (“come over now”) that you can text your friend that will mean she drops everything and drives to your house immediately. Treat this arrangement seriously, as something designed to save your life if necessary. Good luck, stay strong, you don’t deserve this. I agree with PPs - he will likely use all sorts of techniques to try to get you to meet up in person again (“I deserve closure”, threatening to harm himself etc). Do not relent - make sure you never see him again.

Blossom97 · 13/04/2022 12:05

OP. You deserve much more than this. You deserve to feel safe and respected in a relationship. He is abusive and is showing his true colours. This is him as a person, he won’t change. You are doing the right thing to leave. It will only get worse

Zilla1 · 13/04/2022 12:07

HNRTT but when you decide to end the relationship, one tactic you can but shouldn't have to use would be to give him the appearance of choice if you are worried about his reaction. Along the lines of 'I think you're right that I'm not the one for you.. my MH... I'm not helping you be happy... you deserve...'

Good luck.

TheMamaYo · 13/04/2022 12:08

The longer you take to leave, the harder it gets. I am massively glad to read your story now, not two or five years down the line, in the newspaper as another statistic of DV.

Bungalowlady · 13/04/2022 12:12

I have been where you are now with anxiety and depression. He has taken advantage of your anxiety and used it to reel you in. This is controlling and abusive. Please don’t make the same mistake I did. 10 years of misery. It took years after before I told anyone what went on and I still have issues with it all. Please get rid of him now. You are a strong person and deserve so much better.

glinner4prez · 13/04/2022 12:19

This is how my abusive relationship began. Run don't walk.

Evasmissingletter · 13/04/2022 12:22

It’s ok to be sad it didn’t work out as you expected, but Please don’t beat yourself up. Be proud that you are strong enough to walk away from this abusive man. You deserve better than him.

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/04/2022 12:47

Firstly I am glad to hear you will be getting and staying away from him - he is abusive and his tactics are part of the cycle which keeps you there. Well done for recognising it’s not right and getting away.

Secondly- you are entitled to grieve for the relationship you thought you had- in addition to your abuser (and he was abusing you) you have also lost the person who would run you the nice bath etc and you SHOULD grieve for it.

Thirdly I am so proud of how far you have come in dealing with your mental health and how you are able to prioritise your needs and asking for help/confirmation. This is all part of the learning cycle.

DontStopMeNow7 · 13/04/2022 12:48

He’s clearly an abuser. The hot and cold (seduction/sweetness and mean/abusive) cycle is known to be addictive and create trauma bonding and confusion which is how people get caught up in these relationships. Do not go back to him under any circumstances. Watch the’Red Flags’ series on the Thrive after Abuse YouTube channel. You need to just focus on looking after yourself. You’ve had a lucky escape.

icanonlydosomuch · 13/04/2022 12:52

This isn't a gut feeling!

He is controlling and dangerous to you physically and emotionally.

He kicked off because someone spoke to you at the bar!!!!!

He is not good for your mental health.

Just get out. Don't listen to his pathetic excuses.

icanonlydosomuch · 13/04/2022 12:54

And, with regard to him turning up at your house, this is no reason to stay with him.

He will make it harder to leave the longer it goes on and emotionally you will be in a really bad place!

I'm speaking from experience!

PearlclutchersInc · 13/04/2022 12:56

You dont need to have a gut instinct, it should be bleeding obvious that this guy has issues and that you're well out of it.

1forAll74 · 13/04/2022 13:01

You need to stay away from this guy right now, What you say about him is all bad news. and drugs involved also is bad news. If he is sometimes nice to you, and then the opposite, that is bad news too. I dare say that he would ruin any woman's life if they stayed with him.

Mammyloveswine · 13/04/2022 13:06

Get rid op

TheCatterall · 13/04/2022 13:06

It’s not even a case of listen to your gut. It’s a case of look at his actions. He’s an arsehole. He won’t improve. Hell gaslight and love bomb you after each incident. end it now before you get in deeper for sure.

Catflapkitkat · 13/04/2022 13:44

I cannot believe you took him back after he threw you out of the house at night 45 minutes away from home and spent the night sending you nasty messages. It's been six months ........

A gut feeling is instinctive perhaps going against logic. He has shown you, in public, in front of his parents and friends that he is aggressive and violent. That is evidence, not gut feeling. You cannot go back.

Original poster

soph901 · 13/04/2022 14:17

Thank you.

He's already been on the phone asking if he's wasting his time with me and saying he's questioning where I am and who I'm with after I spoke to the man at the bar I feel as if he's trying to turn this on me being the bad one when I've done nothing wrong.

You have all helped immensely and I'm grateful for all of your kind words and advice.

OP posts:

Cornettoninja · 13/04/2022 14:21

I feel as if he's trying to turn this on me being the bad one when I've done nothing wrong

Probably, but for whose benefit? Anyone you have to have a relationship with?

If not it doesn’t matter what his spin is, he’s not that important to you.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 13/04/2022 14:22

Run Soph. Run for the hills and don't look back. Your instincts are kicking in for a reason. Put a chain on your door and buy a rubber wedge to put under it when you're home. 💐

Lemonyfuckit · 13/04/2022 14:27

Do not go back to him OP. He's showing you he is (controlling, violent, aggressive) - believe him.

Original poster

soph901 · 13/04/2022 14:29

I have a friend who lives a few doors down and she said she will leave her phone on loud at night and if at anytime I need her to come over she will.

I feel safe in my home, my door has a dead lock and a chain and my back doors have double locks which I leave the keys in on the inside.

I don't think he'd be silly enough to turn up well I'm hoping not anyway.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 13/04/2022 14:58

@soph901

Thank you.

You have all helped immensely and I'm grateful for all of your kind words and advice.

He’s a properly controlling twat.

I’m glad you’ve decided to end it. If that’s what he’s like in the early honeymoon stages, and with people around, he is a very scary prospect further down the line.

contrary13 · 13/04/2022 15:29

I'm going to echo everything that PPs have said above, OP - because they're right. It is a cycle of abuse, the nice/nasty, the sweet side vs the angry side... and whilst it could be partly fuelled by his addiction to cocaine (and probably other drugs you hopefully won't ever know about... because you won't go back to him!), it's more likely that the drugs simply unmask the real him.

Reading your posts today, though, made me stop and feel very grateful for the wisdom so many MN'ers actually give. Last night, my 17 year old son came to me for advice about his 17 year old girlfriend - and your posts echo his "what do I do, Mum?!" queries about her. Having been in an abusive relationship myself, as soon as he said that she was nice to him one week, then absolutely vicious the next one, controlling him (trying to stop him from enjoying time out with his lifelong friends by calling him every 5 minutes), threatening to rip his best friend's girlfriend's hair out "by the roots" because she liked a social media post he made, saying he can';t have female friends - then taunting him by hanging out with her male friends... @soph901, I told him everything that other posters have told you. It is abusive, you are worth more/better, thank everything you recognised it's not acceptable behaviour from any so-called boy- or girlfriend, or partner, or spouse. Run for the hills. Block everywhere. And when you dump them, do it over text rather than face-to-face... because they'll do everything they can to reel you back in.

My son is adamant he's doing it face to face, because he doesn't want to be "that bloke", and I've warned him that she'll do everything she can to reel him back into her cyclical patterns of abuse and manipulations. But he's confident enough to walk away and have nothing else to do with her (different colleges, sets of friends now, thank everything!). He doesn't have anxiety or other MH issues (that we know about, at least). And he is a bloke, really. Please make sure that you maintain safety for yourself when leaving this arsehole who appears to have targeted you at your most vulnerable (a known abusers tactic, sadly). Focus on building yourself back up again. The right relationship will come along as and when it's meant to, lovely!

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