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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To trust my gut with this one?

100 replies

soph901 · 13/04/2022 09:50

I've been seeing a guy since October and he's known from the start I suffer with anxiety and depression. For the majority I am okay, I go to work and I'm quite a happy person however I was hospitalised last year with my depression.

Anyway, he's got a temper and he's been in a few fights since I've been seeing him. He's a boxer and I think that same attitude comes out when in normal situations.

We are in our 30s and I've never been with anyone who's had a temper etc, we were in the local pub with his parents and he kicked off because a man was touching a girl at a bar who he knew and she has a boyfriend. It was embarrassing and I didn't know what to do or say. His Dad is a retired chief inspector for the met and this was the first time I met them. I couldn't work out how this guy I'd met who told me he'd come from a respectable family etc had such bad anger problems.

At the weekend, we went out for drinks for a friends birthday. He kicked off because a man spoke to me at the bar (literally said how long it was taking to being served) nothing untoward or flirty. We got back to his friends and he kicked me out, 45 minutes away from my home town and I had to call my friend to pick me up.

He stayed up all night snorting cocaine and drinking, again, I've never touched drugs and something I disagree with. All night he was sending me nasty messages and then Sunday asked me to go round and talk, my car was at his and some of my clothes etc so I got dropped off.

He was really sorry and I let it go. Monday I woke up with really bad anxiety and I was upset, he shouted at me, told me I need to exercise and that he wish he had time to be down but he can't as he's got a house to run etc.

I went to work feeling really small and run down. Last night I got back to his after work and he got us a take away, I had a massive lump in my throat and chest and my stomach was in knots and I cannot explain how uncomfortable I felt. Again, he was really nice and ran me a bath. Whilst I was in the bath the feeling of needing to get away was getting stronger and I text my aunt to let her know that I had a gut feeling to get away, he was in bed and I said to her I would pack my stuff in the morning when he went to work and leave.

This morning he's called and I've cried because I'm so gutted that the guy who was so nice to me in the beginning is somebody I don't recognise. I've never been in an abusive relationship before but he was again, really kind and saying he was sorry for the way he handled my anxiety. This was after I told him I was going home for a while. I feel like he's playing the nice guy to get me to stay there.

I've come home and my stomach is in knots but I feel such relief that I'm away from his house and him.

I'm rambling and I'm doubting myself and wondering whether I've been too hasty in leaving even though I feel relief.

I've never had a gut feeling so strong to get away from somebody and I think it's shocked me.

In your experience are strong gut feelings mostly right. Im so conflicted because of the loving, attentive person he can be. I just feel really sad.

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 13/04/2022 10:57

Red flags all over him.

Not that there needs to be to call it quits, because any reason is a valid reason.

My husbands cousin is a boxer but he was actually a victim of Female on Male domestic violence as his ex would hit him and he'd refuse to retaliate as he didn't want to hurt her.

That's what a good boxer is like.

I'm surprised his Dad wasn't disgusted at his behaviour.
It's one thing saying 'excuse me can you leave my friend Sarah alone please? She has a boyfriend' or steering said Sarah away without saying something and kicking off.

I'd definitely end it but be careful and do it publicly as he seems incredibly volatile.

My ex would kick off at people talking to me - it was exhausting and embarrassing. Life is too short.

CrowAndArrow · 13/04/2022 11:01

Please get rid of this abusive, violent bully OP.

MaChienEstUnDick · 13/04/2022 11:02

It's not just your gut - its me and everyone on this thread. If you dont feel like you can trust your gut, trust us.

He is a violent, drug abusing, possessive, jealous, abusive thug.

Block him on everything and don't let him back into your house.

Also have you thought about doing the Freedom Programme? You can do it online and it will teach you about building boundaries and trusting yourself.

You can do this! And you are right to do it!!

MaChienEstUnDick · 13/04/2022 11:03

Being high up in the Met is sadly no protection against misogyny either...

PennyPinkPineapple · 13/04/2022 11:07

At the weekend, we went out for drinks for a friends birthday. He kicked off because a man spoke to me at the bar (literally said how long it was taking to being served) nothing untoward or flirty. We got back to his friends and he kicked me out, 45 minutes away from my home town and I had to call my friend to pick me up.

My ex did this exact thing to me once except it was 2am and I had no one to come and get me. It's all about him being in control. Don't make the same mistake as me, stay away from him.

Original poster
soph901 · 13/04/2022 11:07

Thank you so much everyone I know I am strong and will not go back.

I will look into the freedom programme and watch the documentary suggested when I'm feeling a little stronger.

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 13/04/2022 11:07

Apart from the fact that this guy is a monster, you are probably a bit too fragile to be in a relationship.

Hospitalisation for depression is significantly, you must have been very I'll. You are doing brilliantly to be working and enjoying your life, but take it slowly with regard to relationships. As you have learned, the wrong one can present itself when you are not ready

He is totally responsible for his atrocious behaviour, none of it is a reflection on you.
But you are responsible for your response to his abuse, and for your recovery.

Maves · 13/04/2022 11:10

Get out this guy is a vile viscous druggy. You deserve millions times better.

KeepYaHeadUp · 13/04/2022 11:11

OP. Trust your gut. This will not get any better and you'll spend your life in this cycle of feeling awful and him apologising for increasingly awful behaviour. You are so lucky to have realised you deserve better now and not after many more years, mortgage, marriage, kids. Leave him for good

AffIt · 13/04/2022 11:11

With respect OP, this isn't a 'gut instinct': this is how normal people react to aggressive, violent, substance-abusing arseholes (i.e. to immediately want to put as much space between them and said arsehole as possible).

I think, as PPs have said, that you could do with some help and support with recognising what 'normal' boundaries and levels of acceptable behaviour are, and how you enforce those.

You sound a little fragile, but that can be overcome and you can go on to have a healthy relationship with a nice person.

ChristmasTreeGorgeous · 13/04/2022 11:14

Tell him to go fuck himself. And if you can’t do it to his face, do it in your head and Never See Him Again.

Job done.

foxlover47 · 13/04/2022 11:14

You aren't stupid , he is awful and you've done the right thing so please be so proud of yourself for walking away ! Now block him on every level possible , if he turns up don't answer , log any threats , nasty words said with 101 , hopefully blocking him will send a strong message x keep looking out for you , you knew you deserve better and you acted on it ❤️

babyjellyfish · 13/04/2022 11:16

Run for the hills, OP. This has got red flags all over it.

Sexnotgender · 13/04/2022 11:18

Your anxiety and depression is a red herring in this story.

The issue is 100% him. He’s AWFUL.

Get away, you deserve better.

Fancylike · 13/04/2022 11:19

@AlisonDonut

The loving attentive person was to reel you in.

You need to stay away from this man, and question why you didn't run the first time he started getting aggressive.

Exactly this, abusive men pretend to be kind to reel you in. The mean, violent, aggressive person is who he really is.

Please don't reconnect with him, perhaps stay at friends for a few nights, don't walk anywhere by yourself, mix up your routine so he can't come find you. If you've left anything at his place, consider it gone. Do not be alone with this man ever again.

Keep yourself as safe as possible by continuing to trust your gut - it's a very special thing to be so attuned to your inner feelings and you should feel proud of yourself for being to listen and act on it.

HippeePrincess · 13/04/2022 11:21

Seriously there’s so many red flags here you could make bunting.
Any one of those things you’ve mentioned I would leave over let alone waiting around for more of them. Please never have anything else to do with him.

Clarinet1 · 13/04/2022 11:23

OP, I think you know what you need to do. Just being with a man, any man, is not important enough to put up with the threats of violence, effects on him of drugs, the walking on eggshells..... Get rid of him by whatever means you are able. Change your locks, block his number, change your routine/home/job if necessary and, at the first sign of trouble, call the police.

Jossbow · 13/04/2022 11:23

Read ''Out of the Darkness'' by Tina Nash

Mangogogogo · 13/04/2022 11:24

Sorry this is more than red flags and instincts. This is abuse and he is actively abusing you!

I hope your strength gets you through this! There are so many good men in the world don’t waste your time on this one. If he turns up at your house you phone the police ok?

Wishing you all the best

ThreeRingCircus · 13/04/2022 11:27

This isn't trusting your gut, this is your normal reaction to his very worrying behaviour. You're literally reacting correctly to the (very many) warning signs by wanting to escape. Don't doubt yourself. Never go back!

I agree with this. You know in your heart of hearts OP that this guy is seriously bad news. Your body is literally giving you physical signs in terms of the knot in your stomach and the revulsion that you are not safe around him. Your mistake is not getting into a relationship with this guy, you were in a vulnerable place. Your only mistake would be not trusting yourself and listening to your brain telling you to get the hell away from this guy.

You can do this OP. Stay strong.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 13/04/2022 11:27

He sounds terrifying. Keep away!

Watchkeys · 13/04/2022 11:39

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

The nice bits are part of the cycle. If he was nasty all the time, he wouldn't have a hope of maintaining a relationship. The switching back and forth is part of the manipulation. You regularly get to see 'nice' him, so that when he's being 'nasty' him, you'll do anything to get 'nice' him back. Then he's got you in a position where the nastier he is, the more you'll do to try to treat him right.

Once you get your head around this, you'll understand that 'nice' him is actually nastier than 'nasty' him. At least 'nasty' him is honest and straightforward. 'Nice' him is just as abusive, and a liar, too.

BoredZelda · 13/04/2022 11:40

I forgot to say that in one of his nasty messages on Saturday night he said if I was male he would of been physically violent to me.

And that wasn’t enough to tell you it was over?

Cheeseandlobster · 13/04/2022 11:43

@ChristmasTreeGorgeous

Tell him to go fuck himself. And if you can’t do it to his face, do it in your head and Never See Him Again.

Job done.

Don't fight aggression with aggression. This is terrible advice. Though definitely tell him this in your head. As others have said - disengage, tell him it's over, either somewhere public face to face or over the phone. If you do it in public then Wetherspoons might be a good idea. If he kicks off, you can utilise the "Ask for Angela" scheme where the staff can help you by calling you a taxi and keeping you safe until it arrives
WhenDovesFly · 13/04/2022 11:46

Blimey, he sounds awful OP. Please trust the 99% of your gut that says get away and don't, under any circumstances, give in to the 1% that says go back. It won't get any better and your anxiety will get much worse. I don't doubt that if you say then one day he'll be physically violent to you. Get out while you can, and good luck.

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