Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you invite new partner to ex-dh's big birthday

68 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 12/04/2022 23:37

Very long drawn out divorce took 4 years and have just about managed to remain on good-ish terms with ex-dh. After the decree absolute I started dating and met a lovely man who is also divorced. He has a very good relationship with his ex to the point where she will invite me to bbqs/over for a cup of tea. In fact I met his ex-in law's before I met his own parents! which I thought was a bit strange Which is all wonderful but aibu to think this is not the norm?

My ex-dh (NPD) threw his toys out of the pram when I first said I was dating after the decree absolute (9 months ago) but then apologised and has met my bf a couple of times at handovers and been civil/friendly but that's about it. It's now his big birthday coming up in the middle of the summer holidays and I've booked a holiday away with bf and kids for the last few weeks but said that I will leave the rest clear as he also wants to take the kids away plus have a birthday party for his significant birthday.

Bf is annoyed as he suggested a few events early in school holidays and I said I didn't know what ex DH was doing yet and that he would be having this party on his actual birthday. I don't even know if I would be invited to said party, but he was talking about a BBQ so I'm assuming he would both want the kids to be there during the day, and for me to take them in the evening so that he could drink late with his mates- so irrespective of whether I'm invited myself I think I need to be around to take the kids later.

Bf has basically said that I should invite him to the party if I am invited, and not go if he isn't... On principle as if we are a couple I should say we both go or neither. I think I might agree in a few years time but after 9 months together, we don't live together, we both have different kid schedules and there is no likelihood we would actually be spending the day together anyway unless we booked a specific thing...

I just took bf away for a week with my extended family, even went to see ex-dh's best man with him, and taking him to my cousin's wedding, so it's not like I'm hidig him away, but I just can't see expecting Ex-DH to want him at his once a decade party....

So aibu, should new partners automatically be friends with your ex or is it fine to not be comfortable around your ex's new partner?! Obviously there are kids involved so I want to keep on good terms with him myself but it seems rude to suggest he has to accept my bf with open arms at his big birthday party... It would be great if they get along eventually but I think it would take years

OP posts:

Lacedwithgrace · 12/04/2022 23:45

Could you check with him? Maybe you and your partner could go for one drink and leave early if it's less intense. The chances are your ex will be too busy to notice, but might be better if you ask him if he's okay with it first.

FidgetWonkham · 12/04/2022 23:46

I’m on good terms with my ex and have a new partner and no I wouldn’t expect him to be invited to my ex’s birthday party, Especially as you say it’s still a new relationship.
Stand your ground on this one!

Wookydook · 12/04/2022 23:46

I didn't read your full post but my reaction to the thread title is : of course not!

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 12/04/2022 23:52

I should have said aibu not to invite my new bf to ex-dh's party... To me it was of course not... It hadn't even occurred to me to think he should be invited and I think it's not my place to invite him - I think I would be being massively insensitive to say I was bringing him, and I don't even know that I'm invited yet!

OP posts:

Kite22 · 12/04/2022 23:57

In your circumstances, I wouldn't be expecting to be invited myself, let alone expect an invitation for a new(ish) partner, no.

Why are you dancing around your ex like that with the dc anyway ? If he is having a family celebration, including his dc, then it is up to him to look after them, not for you to put all plans on hold so that you can pick them up so your ex doesn't have to take responsibility for his own dc.

Over time, I would expect divorced parents to do their best to be civil and even amenable at events when it was celebrating something their dc were doing (from the nativity play through all birthdays until their weddings or when dc have their own dc, but once you are divorced, I wouldn't expect ex's to be invited to birthdays, let alone ex's new partners.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 13/04/2022 01:38

I don’t really like your DP’s attitude although I do understand that is not always accurately conveyed in a post like this.

You can only take him if your ex either invites him or invites you to bring a plus one. Anything else would be rude.

Newestname002 · 13/04/2022 03:25

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

Bf has basically said that I should invite him to the party if I am invited, and not go if he isn't...

That's rather cheeky - and controlling - of your boyfriend isn't it? Based purely on his demand I'd take another look at him and decide whether this is a person I want to go into a long term relationship with.. 🌹

Moodycow78 · 13/04/2022 04:02

I don't think your DBP should be upset at not being invited to your ex's birthday. Your DP has absolutely every right to fume at you putting your life on hold and not making plans so you don't disrupt your ex's plans, you're keeping yourself free in case your ex either a) invites you to his party or b) wants you to look after his kids on his contact time so he can get pissed. Sorry but if I was your partner I'd be running for the hills!

Ikeptgoing · 13/04/2022 06:02

Yanbu
Your new DP had a very different divorce and has a very different relationship with his ex. It would be insensitive to your ex in this situation if you did insist on bringing him along to ExHs big birthday party and that would be unusual . So your DP is being unreasonable to try to insist on that. If he accompanied you to collect DCs he should stay in the car.

I suggest you talk to ex H about whether he wants DCs that weekend of his birthday or for early part of it. It's for him to arrange what he wants if it's his contact weekend,

I suspect your ExH won't invite you to his birthday, as you describe things, but if ex would like you to collect DCs after teatime (so that they can attend early part of his birthday but their Dad is free to then celebrate more wildly later) that would be a kind thing for you to do. I hope your exH treats you safe way.

It's not unreasonable to ask that question about if he has different birthday plans with DCs now, as you (and DP) have plans to make for summer holidays and need to book for AL & activities etc so you want to make sure you (are free o pick them up early if need be) or that DCs are available (if not his usual weekend)

Ikeptgoing · 13/04/2022 06:03

Sorry mistyped
... I hope exH treats you same way not 'safe'...

Ikeptgoing · 13/04/2022 06:11

moodycow
it would be very weird if you as a new partner did get upset and insistent about this, as new partners don't usually get invited to the birthday party of their partners ex Not unless they are all very friendly and have that kind of relationship (which OP indicates they don't).

It's just one day/ one weekend in a decade (!!) for a huge birthday (40 or 50th I'd guess) . If I wasn't "allowed" by my new DP just one weekend to do my own thing or something with other side of my DCs family , (or even with friends), then I'd be concerned about how needy and controlling my new partner was. That has red flags about it of more controlling things to come, it's a complete overstep. OP is a person in her own right with other things she may want to do. I'm sure her new DP can try to occupy himself for an evening!

Hiddenvoice · 13/04/2022 06:26

No I don’t think it’s fair of him to expect to be invited.
I think it’s great you’re making yourself available for ex dh so you can have your children at night. Ex dh might invite you so you can then take the children when ready but as you say you’ve only been with your boyfriend for 9 months so he can’t be expected to be invited.
As you’ve said, you are not hiding him away and have included him in other events. He made the decision to have you and his ex meet up but everyone’s different, you don’t have to follow his path.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/04/2022 06:32

Why would you expect an invitation for yourself in the first place?

Let your ex move on. Totally ageee with your current BF.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 06:38

Your BF is being U.

Chestofdraws · 13/04/2022 06:52

The issue here isn’t whether he is invited or not, it’s the fact he is demanding to go or making you not go. It’s jealous, controlling and unacceptable behaviour. He doesn’t get to make these demands or tell you where you can or can’t go. Not after nine months, not ever.

It’s going to get worse. He’s starting to show you who he is. And it’s not a pleasant person.

nomistake · 13/04/2022 07:01

I can't believe the responses on here! Imagine if the OP was here saying that her boyfriend was going to his ex-wifes birthday party, we'd all be telling her to LTB.

OP, I think it would be weird for you to go to your ex's big birthday party, even if invited. What if he wanted to cop off with someone there and you're there. And no, your new partner shouldn't go either.

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 07:03

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

Totally agree with you and your instincts are spot on @Bedraggledmumoftwo

New (ish) bf is being a bit silly (or deliberately being a bit of a sh!t stirrer? ). He definitely should not go to your ex DH big party and you shouldn't even ask. Agree, it would be really insensitive.

Can see bf view is due to his own v friendly relationship with ex and her parents, but that's the unusual bit in my view...

iheartmybeachhut · 13/04/2022 07:03

I would be irritable at bf's attitude and think jog off with that idea of 'you're not going'. I'd really have to take a good look at the relationship all round on the strength of that remark tbh.
Having said that I wouldn't want to go to ex's big birthday even if invited.
How old are the dc?

SunshineAndFizz · 13/04/2022 07:04

How ridiculous. Does he think he's in an episode of the Kardashians or something. It's not the norm to have your exes hanging around at parties - great if you do - but certainly not expected.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2022 07:05

V much doubt posters would be suggesting that if the sexes were reversed, nomistake

Vsirbdo · 13/04/2022 07:09

Your bf situation with his ex is very nice but not the norm and I wouldn’t expect your ex to invite him or for you not to go, I’m not sure why he’d want to go to be honest. Sounds like my worst nightmare

girlmom21 · 13/04/2022 07:21

I don't think you'll be invited OP, but the fact your boyfriend is insisting he's either invited or you don't go worries me a little. That's not his call.

ladydimitrescu · 13/04/2022 07:34

After 9 months hes dictating what you do in regards to your ex whom you share children with - that's a red flag.
No he shouldn't be invited.
You also shouldn't be taking your kids away on holiday with a bloke you've been with 9 months and is showing major signs of being a twat.

SleeplessInEngland · 13/04/2022 07:40

BF is being petulant. Nip that in the bud or it’ll get worse.

Ponoka7 · 13/04/2022 07:53

It could be: He sees his situation as the norm, so sees a lack of invite as a snub. In which case he needs to understand that it isn't usual and you are going to help your children be at the celebration.
Or, he's controlling and there's more to come. He shouldn't be giving ultimatums that aren't in your children's best interests.
Ideally if you had another family member from either side, they could help out. My Son in law will be picking up his nieces from my ex son in laws, because the Easter party will include alcohol later on and my DD isn't comfortable with the children staying. Similar to your situation.
Tbh I'd be wary of him blurring boundaries with his ex, yet controlling what you do. This doesn't sound healthy. It's early to have summer school holidays set in stone yet. You don't have to actually go to the party, you could arrange to get the children around their bedtimes. Your bf seems to expect a lot of your time. Don't your children still get to have you to themselves anymore?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread