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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you invite new partner to ex-dh's big birthday

68 replies

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 12/04/2022 23:37

Very long drawn out divorce took 4 years and have just about managed to remain on good-ish terms with ex-dh. After the decree absolute I started dating and met a lovely man who is also divorced. He has a very good relationship with his ex to the point where she will invite me to bbqs/over for a cup of tea. In fact I met his ex-in law's before I met his own parents! which I thought was a bit strange Which is all wonderful but aibu to think this is not the norm?

My ex-dh (NPD) threw his toys out of the pram when I first said I was dating after the decree absolute (9 months ago) but then apologised and has met my bf a couple of times at handovers and been civil/friendly but that's about it. It's now his big birthday coming up in the middle of the summer holidays and I've booked a holiday away with bf and kids for the last few weeks but said that I will leave the rest clear as he also wants to take the kids away plus have a birthday party for his significant birthday.

Bf is annoyed as he suggested a few events early in school holidays and I said I didn't know what ex DH was doing yet and that he would be having this party on his actual birthday. I don't even know if I would be invited to said party, but he was talking about a BBQ so I'm assuming he would both want the kids to be there during the day, and for me to take them in the evening so that he could drink late with his mates- so irrespective of whether I'm invited myself I think I need to be around to take the kids later.

Bf has basically said that I should invite him to the party if I am invited, and not go if he isn't... On principle as if we are a couple I should say we both go or neither. I think I might agree in a few years time but after 9 months together, we don't live together, we both have different kid schedules and there is no likelihood we would actually be spending the day together anyway unless we booked a specific thing...

I just took bf away for a week with my extended family, even went to see ex-dh's best man with him, and taking him to my cousin's wedding, so it's not like I'm hidig him away, but I just can't see expecting Ex-DH to want him at his once a decade party....

So aibu, should new partners automatically be friends with your ex or is it fine to not be comfortable around your ex's new partner?! Obviously there are kids involved so I want to keep on good terms with him myself but it seems rude to suggest he has to accept my bf with open arms at his big birthday party... It would be great if they get along eventually but I think it would take years

OP posts:

HowFascinating · 13/04/2022 07:54

Isn't it up to your exH to decide who he invites to his own party? Surely you don't issue invitations for guests to someone else's party.

Personally, I don't think either you or DP should go. While it really is great to keep a civil, cordial, productive relationship post- divorce, this should really only be in terms of co-parenting the children. The relationship between you and exH is over. You should be friendly but you should recognise if you want to be "friends" with your exH, it does impact on your current partner. There is a big difference between "friendly" and "friends".

Your DP needs to know that you have actually moved on. You and exH don't need to be socialising together, especially if your current DP is excluded. I can understand why DP could find this difficult/ unnecessary.

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 08:04

I think you're both being unreasonable in a way. On the surface it appears your DP is being controlling and no I don't think you should have to take such a new partner to this party, or that it's even your place to invite people. On the other hand, I think you are expecting him to accept and go along with quite an enmeshed life with your ex with quite a lot of dancing around him. You shouldn't need to keep weeks of the holiday free until he decides what he's doing, or stay in the evening to watch the kids for him.

I know your DP is somewhat similar with his ex but I think it's possible it's these strange boundaries that are bothering him.

milkysmum · 13/04/2022 08:04

I'm not sure why you think you should be there either. I'm in a similar situation, and I certainly did not attend ex h's recent birthday, and not would I have considered myself invited. Both DC went without me obviously.

CarmenThePanda · 13/04/2022 08:14

It’s not your place to invite him to your Ex’s do, and it isn’t his place to tell you you can’t go without him! Big red flag in a relationship less than a year old. Who does he think he is to be telling you you can’t accept invitations except as a ‘couple’??

But you seem to have moved very fast, long holidays with the kids and your family etc.

Why is he hassling you about summer holiday dates and being difficult about you wanting to make arrangements to facilitate smooth co parenting with your ex?

Your role as parent to your kids snd how you manage that in relation to their Dad is not your Bf’s business.

SpringIntoChaos · 13/04/2022 08:16

I think you're ALL being unreasonable here! There's so much dysfunction in all aspects of your relationships with both of these men (and theirs with you) it's hard to know where to begin! It's like some kind of weird 3-some gone wrong 😱

Read your own post...imagine this was your daughter/sister/best friend in this scenario. How would you feel/respond?

Step back from all of it and look at your own boundaries first. Then you'll have a clearer picture and be able to see just how bonkers this whole set-up is!

I think you need some space, new BF needs to fuck off and your ex needs to make his own childcare arrangements! And that's just for starters 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

harriethoyle · 13/04/2022 08:17

I think your bf sounds rather controlling... either you both go or you aren't allowed?! That's not ok.

Thatsplentyjack · 13/04/2022 08:19

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why would you expect an invitation for yourself in the first place?

Let your ex move on. Totally ageee with your current BF.

That's what I was thinking. Why would you be invited?

TolkiensFallow · 13/04/2022 08:22

I disagree with bf and actually think this rigid attitude is a sign of things to come. I don’t understand why he would even want to go.

IDontThinkImTheDrama · 13/04/2022 08:55

He's being unreasonable. But I'd also find if a bit if DH got an invite to his exes birthday and I highly doubt he'd go if he did. But that's irrelevant I guess.

I don't think you should be fannying about waiting to find out what your ex is planning though before you can make plans of your own. If he wants you to pick up the children so be can get pissed then he needs to tell you that and sharpish so you can plan around it.

I'd just ask him "are you wanting me to pick up DC after your party or are they staying the night?" Why wait around for him to let you know before you can arrange anything?

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 09:48

Thank you all for your responses. I haven't slept as I kept thinking about it and I do think it's a big red flag....

OP posts:

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 10:01

I will ask ex-h about his plans for his party and whether he has worked out when he wants to take the kids away but given this is three months time I haven't had the chance yet. And I can see that me dancing around my ex's plans is irritating, but it was only a few days ago that Bf started looking at events and I said I couldn't commit yet but actually he wouldn't be able to book any without clearing it with his own ex first! Having told ex-h he could have the run of the first month of summer and just let me know, it seems off to book anything in without consulting him.

Without wanting to drip feed, In my case I do walk on eggshells a bit with ex-h due to the NPD and him turning nasty a number of times during divorce, combined with the fact that he has to pay me maintenance that I rely on financially. BF has a completely 50:50 arrangement with his ex and so no maintenance changes hands so he doesn't understand this.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 13/04/2022 10:17

Having told ex-h he could have the run of the first month of summer and just let me know, it seems off to book anything in without consulting him.

I think this is where you've gone wrong, though. This is way too much time to leave free for the sake of a one day event. You should just leave his birthday free and hedge your bets about other dates rather than treating it as so important you can't make any plans for a month.

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 10:30

@aSofaNearYou

Having told ex-h he could have the run of the first month of summer and just let me know, it seems off to book anything in without consulting him.

Maybe. But it is three months away and it's always better to have flexible dates when booking something esp in school hols- the big birthday is smack in the middle of the time before my holiday so he was already struggling to squeeze it in... But I will ask him if he has got anywhere with booking...

OP posts:

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 11:22

So I've pinned ex h down on rough holiday period and also said that I'm not assuming I'm invited to the party but can he let me know if he needs me to be around so I can book something if not. So I could now book some stuff with the BF on some dates if I wanted to.... Except the whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth

OP posts:

worriedatthistime · 13/04/2022 11:23

You haven't even been invited to his party yet and would you actually want to go

girlmom21 · 13/04/2022 11:34

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

Dump the boyfriend and have a lovely solo break

Snoopsnoggysnog · 13/04/2022 11:50

Absolutely not, you’ve been together less than a year, you don’t live together, he has no right to expect an invite

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 12:05

@worriedatthistime

You haven't even been invited to his party yet and would you actually want to go

Yes, i would actually want to go... I imagine many of our mutual friends will be there and I do still get on well with him and would like us to still be friends to some degree, although if I was invited I would go for a short bit of the kid friendly bit and then take the kids home, not expect to be part of the main event!

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 13/04/2022 12:22

I think you need to think carefully about your new relationship more I think. Quite controlling.

Tlollj · 13/04/2022 12:33

I don’t know why you would go let alone you’re new boyfriend tbh.
But at the same time it’s not up to new boyfriend whether you go or not.
But then again I hate my ex would cross the road to piss on him so I’m not the best person to chip in.

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 16:08

I can totally see why you want to have an ongoing good relationship as possible with your ex - and to go to the party and look after the kids while catching up with mutual friends seems totally fine to me. Basically you've had a shared life in past and shared children, it's better all round to remain as amicable as possible, @Bedraggledmumoftwo

Whatinthelord · 13/04/2022 16:17

Hhmmmm I wouldn’t like a bf of 9 months thinking he had a say over if I went to a party of not, regardless of whose party it was.

Personally I’d want to put in a boundary with bf and see how he reacts. It does feel like a potential red flag.

Bit hypocritical too is t it if he spends time with his ex.

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 20:30

@CorsicaDreaming

^^ This is it really. And I didn't think it would be a problem and it just hadn't even occurred to me that DP would possibly be invited or would want to be as he has met ex-h literally twice and only briefly. I should clarify in his defence that 's he's not actually saying to me "you can't go without me", more saying how he thinks it should be (that we would both be invited or I shouldn't go at all and that that is how I should view all such things) and telling me essentially that I am in the wrong for not having thought this for myself or agreed/acted on it now he has enlightened me... And that now he needs to ponder our relationship as a result

But to me it just seems preposterous - it's not my circus or monkeys and it would just be plain rude and disruptive to my amicable divorce for me to even suggest it unless ex-h actually invited him of his own volition which I don't see happening.

Oh god now I read what I wrote above it actually sounds like coercive control, when I was trying to defend him that he wasn't actually trying to control me!

OP posts:

CorsicaDreaming · 13/04/2022 21:04

I don't think it is controlling necessarily. Your DP can't see it as an issue due to his own (sounds lovely but fairly unusually amicable) relationship with his ex and her family. So he can't see the issue because for him there wouldn't be one.

If it was any other friends (not your ex DH and his big birthday) I could totally see why your DP would be so keen to be included.

But I totally agree with you that for this particular party it's just not going to be right for him to go.
And you really don't want to risk jeopardising the wary friendship you've managed to establish with your ex DH, for your own sake or for your children.

Original poster

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/04/2022 21:39

I think if his ex-w were having a party she absolutely would invite both of us... And actually mean it/want us to come. So yes in his world that wouldn't be a problem- but he also knows that my ex-h is not the same and had no desire to meet him at all. It's only because I got fed up with feeling stressed about coordinating them not meeting and forced the issue by springing it on him the first time he has even said hello. So he's not oblivious and he's an intelligent man... I just feel like he should have some empathy that he had the worlds easiest divorce and I have described mine so that he should know it isn't the same. .... I currently have 17 pins and a load of sheet metal holding together my completely shattered arm- him projecting his idyllic post divorce relationship as if it is the norm with no understanding that his experience might not apply is as if he said oh I once had a hairline fracture in my arm, it's nothing!

OP posts:

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