Would you invite new partner to ex-dh's big birthday

[Bedraggledmumoftwo]

Very long drawn out divorce took 4 years and have just about managed to remain on good-ish terms with ex-dh. After the decree absolute I started dating and met a lovely man who is also divorced. He has a very good relationship with his ex to the point where she will invite me to bbqs/over for a cup of tea. In fact I met his ex-in law's before I met his own parents! which I thought was a bit strange Which is all wonderful but aibu to think this is not the norm?

My ex-dh (NPD) threw his toys out of the pram when I first said I was dating after the decree absolute (9 months ago) but then apologised and has met my bf a couple of times at handovers and been civil/friendly but that's about it. It's now his big birthday coming up in the middle of the summer holidays and I've booked a holiday away with bf and kids for the last few weeks but said that I will leave the rest clear as he also wants to take the kids away plus have a birthday party for his significant birthday.

Bf is annoyed as he suggested a few events early in school holidays and I said I didn't know what ex DH was doing yet and that he would be having this party on his actual birthday. I don't even know if I would be invited to said party, but he was talking about a BBQ so I'm assuming he would both want the kids to be there during the day, and for me to take them in the evening so that he could drink late with his mates- so irrespective of whether I'm invited myself I think I need to be around to take the kids later.

Bf has basically said that I should invite him to the party if I am invited, and not go if he isn't... On principle as if we are a couple I should say we both go or neither. I think I might agree in a few years time but after 9 months together, we don't live together, we both have different kid schedules and there is no likelihood we would actually be spending the day together anyway unless we booked a specific thing...

I just took bf away for a week with my extended family, even went to see ex-dh's best man with him, and taking him to my cousin's wedding, so it's not like I'm hidig him away, but I just can't see expecting Ex-DH to want him at his once a decade party....

So aibu, should new partners automatically be friends with your ex or is it fine to not be comfortable around your ex's new partner?! Obviously there are kids involved so I want to keep on good terms with him myself but it seems rude to suggest he has to accept my bf with open arms at his big birthday party... It would be great if they get along eventually but I think it would take years

Red flags everywhere here.

Bf thinks his relationship sets a precedent for yours. No.

Bf antsy planning things for early summer - bet that started as soon as he got wind of your EXs plans for a party at that time.

He doesnt have to say you cant go without him, you already know he wont "let" you without a fuss.

Hes threatening to leave to bring you back into line.

Principal that you both go or neither of you..does that apply to you meeting any of your friends?

He doesnt accept you and your circumstances and hes pushing you into doi g things you arent comfortaboenwoth and that you know push social norms, like pestering your ex to pin down times 3 months early.

My view on this is that your ONLY role wrt ex-H party is child-focused. So that you take DC, collect DC, not that you are an attendee. No need at all for new DP to be anywhere involved. Concentrate on that. Sort out dates.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo - wow that arm sounds really bad, OP. 💐

Neither of the guys in question had anything to do with that happening did they?

Do you know much about why DP and his ex split? I think I'd be interested to have a chat to her on that if you get a chance. But it seems fairly unlikely he'd be good friends with her and her parents if he had been very controlling. Although not an absolute given.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo
Let your DP 'ponder your relationship' as frankly you are doing the same, since he overstepped and tried to tell you what you can do/ if you should (can) go to a party (that's nothing to do with him) without him.

Concentrate on sorting out child arrangements for that exH's date
If I were you I'd stop angling for an invite to exH's big birthday as - regardless of DPs views who you don't need to follow- it's actually is weird if you did attend rather than just pick up DCs- given it wasn't a an easy divorce. You can see mutual old friends another time.
Maybe have a weekend on your own right now, and remind DP he doesn't control what you can or can't do as you are an individual in your own right - and so you've decided to enjoy your own company this weekend.

I would not take your bf to exdhs party.
If I were invited to the party I'd go with the DC's and tell bf to fuck the fuck off if he had an issue with that.
BF has no say in your family life surely. He sounds horrible.

Sorry OP for the addendum:
It's not your place to invite your BF.

I wouldn't attend XH's birthday party whether invited or not.
I also wouldn't plan around being available to facilitate it.

Irrespective of that, if current partner insisted on coming along and telling me I couldn't go otherwise, I'd either laugh in his face or tell him to fuck off, depending on how serious I thought he was being.

From his side though... if I was in a relationship with a man who wanted me to keep the calendar clear so he could go to his narcissistic, angry ex's birthday party to keep the maintenance coming? Yeah I'd be considering our future too.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

I should clarify in his defence that 's he's not actually saying to me "you can't go without me", more saying how he thinks it should be (that we would both be invited or I shouldn't go at all and that that is how I should view all such things) and telling me essentially that I am in the wrong for not having thought this for myself or agreed/acted on it now he has enlightened me... And that now he needs to ponder our relationship as a result But to me it just seems preposterous - it's not my circus or monkeys and it would just be plain rude and disruptive to my amicable divorce for me to even suggest it unless ex-h actually invited him of his own volition which I don't see happening.

This just sounds like you have come out of one difficult relationship (was it your Ex-husband who broke your arm?) to another man who wants to control what you do or don't do - especially where your children are concerned.

Let him "ponder" your relationship by all means - but you should seriously consider whether being with him is wise or healthy for you. 🌹

I think this whole situation could deteriorate over nothing. DP can butt out, OP is now trying to pin down exHs birthday plans so she knows whether DCs are attending birthday party and staying all weekend or whether just attending none or day part of it and exh would like to ask her if she would mind collecting DCs after tea time. OP doesn't need to attend her ex's birthday party with the DCs.

All will then be resolved and OP can get on with planning summer holidays and weekends that are 3 months away...

Just keep an eye on DPs behaviour if he gets controlling again about what OP 'should' (can or can't) do!!

[quote CorsicaDreaming]@Bedraggledmumoftwo - wow that arm sounds really bad, OP. 💐

Neither of the guys in question had anything to do with that happening did they?

Do you know much about why DP and his ex split? I think I'd be interested to have a chat to her on that if you get a chance. But it seems fairly unlikely he'd be good friends with her and her parents if he had been very controlling. Although not an absolute given. [/quote]
No neither of them involved in my arm- RTA.

His ex-w cheated, confessed and asked for a second chance- he told her no that was it and filed for divorce and she then got together properly with OM and he seems fine with socialising with them as a couple now. I guess maybe because it was his choice I can't see my wanting to see ex-h playing happy families with OW if he had ended up with her, but in my case I caught him, he didn't confess just lied and gaslighted and there then ensued two years of him begging me for forgiveness and trying to reconcile and going to marriage counselling etc while also seeing the OW at the same time. There's a very long old thread on here somewhere with all the gory details! But after the final time I caught him and everyone asked me when was enough going to be enough I got on with sorting out the divorce, and lockdown happened and he was the only adult human I saw for months on ends with kids handover, and we reached a comfortable friendship. Which, given he had been my best friend for 20 years isn't all that odd- he had shown himself as not able to keep his marriage vows time and time again and hurt me a lot as a husband, but as friends we were pretty good (until I upset the applecart by getting a BF). The turning nasty parts were all in the first two years when he was lying and getting caught and generally acting like a trapped animal due to the stress of repeatedly trying to live a double life.

So had his big birthday been last year I absolutely would have been invited and we were actually friends, not just amicable for the sake of the children, and I thought it was the very best outcome. But since I have been with DP and he has got a GF (I haven't met her but would like to), its not been the same.

@Bedraggledmumoftwo - glad it was RTA (IYSWIM, but that sounds v odd in circumstances) and not connected to one of the men. My posts would have been amended quite a lot if they had been...

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at mo and it's been a very tough few years 

It now makes a lot more sense why new BF is so anxious about being with you and not wanting to risk you doing to him what his ex did. Re infidelity.

Perhaps you need to spell out to him you totally understand how hurtful and destructive a clandestine affair is as that's what happened to you too (although I'm sure he knows, he may not make that connection necessarily). And promise that if you ever find yourself in that situation you promise total openness and honesty. And would immediately tell him there was another man. And get him to do the same for you. Even write it out and sign it.

In one sense I'm sure that is totally unnecessary but it may give him the reassurance he needs to fully trust you given what has happened to him before. The irony is it almost mirrors your own situation with your exDH - so it is possible he feels quite conflicted about that too, as now you - the person he really cares about - had the same thing happen to you as he did to him. So a kind of double anger.

Phew! That was convoluted! Does that make sense @Bedraggledmumoftwo ? Feel totally free to entirely ignore me if completely wide of the mark.

If your ex actually invited your current BF to his party then you can have the conversation as to whether or not he should attend. If he hasn't been invited of course he can't attend. And as you are not living together or sharing your lives as yet - it is absolutely none of his business whether you go or not if you are invited. If you were living together I would expect you to have a reasonable discussion about it, but it would not be acceptable for him to forbid it. It would need to be a decision based on how you both feel and would, no doubt, require some compromise from you both.

Your boyfriend does not get to forbid you from going.

It's your BF attitude and demand I don't like more than whether he should or shouldn't be invited (I'd probably say no though)

So he came over yesterday, I didn't really know where to start so he went first and was extremely adamant that in his view if I were invited and just said yes without saying BF would be around and I would need to bring him then that showed that I wasn't committed to us. The fact I'd already said I wasn't going to go didn't matter... He was literally saying that he was very principled and if I really wouldn't be willing to say that to ex-h then maybe he should just go. I just kept saying that no I actually couldn't and wouldn't say that (that I absolutely would for any other event just not this one!) and in the real world as opposed to the idyllic situation he finds himself in that no that is not an acceptable thing to do and that I would rather choose not to go without saying anything... He kept modifying his proposed statement until it reached "BF will be around and I don't think you would want us both to come so I won't but I can have the kids later if you like" which I just about agreed I "could" say although I still would probably just decline without mentioning him instead! At which point I burst into tears and tried to explain how traumatic the last five years had been, describing some of the choice narcissistic behaviours ex-h had exhibited over the years and even showing him the (now unplugged) spy camera I had previously installed before the divorce was final when ex-h would let himself into my house and poke round my things. And the fragile eggshell walking potential combustibility nature of my now amicable co-parenting relationship and the lengths I would go to to maintain that unstable keel. He did eventually apologise for being a dick and said he got it. Although what he gets is the specific issues around Ex-H in particular- not that he agrees it would be an unacceptable move in most divorces, which is a bit worrying but I think just relates to his own experiences and Mediterranean attitude whereas I am very British stiff upper lip ~stick up arse~ in my views of what is proper.

So we've made up- I think we are ok, I have said that I am not always going to agree with him and it doesn't mean I'm not in it and he's agreed he can be a bit hard and black and white sometimes...

@Bedraggledmumoftwo

Well I'm glad you have made up and had a decent chat through it all.

And he kinds of gets it (which to be honest I think sometimes is the only benchmark one can actually realistically attain in any relationship!!)

Gawd, life can be a right complicated muddle at times 

I'd be a bit concerned he is more like your ex than you realise tbh.