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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the young child years

77 replies

Scottishmum1984 · 11/04/2022 23:07

Sitting here in tears after a day with a very moody teen and my other DC heading in same direction. I know there are far more important things like being safe and healthy of course but does anyone miss the younger version of their kids? My oldest was such a mummy’s boy and hung on my every word / plus literally clung on to me, the excitement of everything from first cuddle in the morning to a new discovery on a walk to the duck pond. It’s probably pmt talking but would love to go back for a day!

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 13/04/2022 11:30

I meant to say "ok with them growing up if they were happy"

waterrat · 13/04/2022 11:33

I'm on holiday with a group of under 5s at the moment...fuck me it is exhausting. Parents are all dog tired...kida are up and whining at 5 or 6am. Everyone ratty by lunchtime. Seriously op don't have rose tinted glasses.

The whining bickering demands are relentless

Gufo · 13/04/2022 11:40

My DC are 12 and 10 and I think these are the best days - depending on how arsey they get as teenagers! I found the early years HARD but would love to go back for a day out of curiosity.

MurmuratingStarling · 13/04/2022 11:48

I am with you 100%. I LOVED mine between about 3 and 15. Had the best life with her. SO much fun and games and laughs and day trips to theme parks, zoos, beaches, picnics, wonderful Christmases, and lots of crafting, swimming sessions at the local baths, cycling through the countryside, going to the cinema, watching TV, going to pop concerts, playing singstar karaoke on the playstation, playing footie, rounders, cricket, hide and seek, video games, building snowmen, doing the rounds with gifts at Christmas to relatives and friends, school trips, school plays, painting, feeding the ducks and swans, drawing, going for walks, reading and writing, the works.

Those twelve years or so were wonderful with my DD, and took me back to my own childhood a lot. I miss these days terribly. She is in her mid 20s now, and has her own life and career and partner and home, and lives 20 miles away. Me and DH see her twice a month, but rarely socialise with her now, as she is busy with her friends and career, and it makes me a little sad inside. But I know this is just life. You only have your children for a short while.

I guess that's why God created grandchildren. One day! Grin (maybe.... She does want kids but not til she's 30.)

And I agree that age 14/15 to about 18 was quite difficult. For reasons many people have mentioned.

TimeForGouter · 13/04/2022 11:51

Of course YANBU! Mine are 3, 6 and 8 and it's marvellous. But I often really miss the days when they were all pre-school age. Life was more tiring but it wasn't as busy and complicated as it is now.

Ricepops · 13/04/2022 11:52

I'm already anticipating/dreading this OP, and in some ways am already starting to feel it, even though mine are only 7 and 4. I find it hard to look at photos of them as babies/toddlers, particularly my eldest. It feels like so long ago. I think PP who wrote that it is a form of grief which is not discussed in society is right

MurmuratingStarling · 13/04/2022 11:55

@Ricepops

I'm already anticipating/dreading this OP, and in some ways am already starting to feel it, even though mine are only 7 and 4. I find it hard to look at photos of them as babies/toddlers, particularly my eldest. It feels like so long ago. I think PP who wrote that it is a form of grief which is not discussed in society is right
Wow, yes it IS a form of grief isn't it? Sad I never thought of it like this. I miss my DD's 'child years' dreadfully. She left home for uni over 8 years ago, and never returned properly. We live in the sticks, and at 21 she moved in with her partner (in a big town,) who she is still with, and has such a busy life that we don't see her more than twice a month. She is only 20 miles away though, and would be there in a shot in an emergency, )and HAS bee) and we talk to her most days (on whatapp, phone, twitter, text etc,) but I miss seeing her in real life.
MurmuratingStarling · 13/04/2022 11:55

(and HAS been!)

notanothertakeaway · 13/04/2022 12:09

I liked it best when my DS was 9-10. Old enough to be a it independent, still happy to be affectionate even in public, and I felt that most of his worries could be eased with a hug and a bit of quiet time to read and calm down

Waxonwaxoff0 · 13/04/2022 12:22

@notanothertakeaway

I liked it best when my DS was 9-10. Old enough to be a it independent, still happy to be affectionate even in public, and I felt that most of his worries could be eased with a hug and a bit of quiet time to read and calm down
My DS is almost 9. Love this age, like you say he is more independent - can get himself breakfast, shower himself, I don't have to watch him like a hawk. But he still wants to spend time with me.

I don't miss the pre school years. Not looking forward to the teen years! I'd love to stop time at this stage.

HopefulProcrastinator · 13/04/2022 12:30

YANBU I absolutely love watching my girls develop and grow into the people they're going to be...but I definitely look back on their 3-6 years ages with rose tinted glasses and miss the pure love and fun they exuded at that age.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 13/04/2022 12:33

Wishing for things to be different is a source of pain for many. There are rose tinted glasses looking back, it was still hard but in different ways.

My parents do this and it has badly impacted our relationship. Let them grow and be happy in each stage as it is.

LimeSegment · 13/04/2022 13:01

My dc are still young and can be extremely annoying but I love how innocent they are. Its a bit selfish but they just love you so much, obviously an evolutionary thing to stay alive, but it's nice to be on the receiving end of. My ds looks at me and smiles and says I love you mummy, and it isn't forced or awkward, he really means it. No one will ever say that or love me like that again after they grow up.

Coughee · 13/04/2022 15:13

Whilst I do feel like the op at times, particularly with my 15 yo son who keeps me at arms length, I think we need to be careful when comparing it to 'grief'. I will never forget someone writing an article for one of the newspapers describing her grief for her kids as they'd grown into teens and someone who'd lost a child posted a thread on here about it and was understandably extremely angry at the comparison. That thread has really stuck with me. For the most part I think of myself as incredibly lucky to be watching them grow up.

namechangeranonymouse · 13/04/2022 15:15

My darling 8 yo loves to play with me and still believes in fairies. My heart breaks to think he will one day laugh about it. Even videos of his 2 year old self will crack my heart with love.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 13/04/2022 16:01

Currently visiting friends with young children. They're lovely and cute but after the constant interruptions and hour in the playpark with hundreds of other very young children I'm just relieved the be at the moody teen stage.

BorryMum · 13/04/2022 16:16

My eldest DS seems to hate me now. I miss the days when he would run out of nursery and hug me. I would definitely choose the toddler days over the teen ones and I had three under 5!

Skelligsfeathers · 13/04/2022 16:18

I really miss it.
Mine are adults now

I can't write too much about it or i will cry!

PattyMelt · 13/04/2022 16:33

My youngest is a teen, I don't miss the younger years at all. I enjoyed them at the time, but am glad to be where we are now.
Today I saw so many grandparents with infants and junior age kids, out for the day, shopping and in cafes, I felt no pang of I would love that even though the kids were all delightful and well behaved.

B0J0ker · 13/04/2022 18:27

OMG no, not unreasonable at all! The teen years are hard even with teens that are lovely! Just so strange when they spend all their time in their room and/or with their mates.

I was the same as you OP and got quite depressed seeing little ones with their mum's being all cute like mine used to be.

It gets easier though and the awful part of teen parenting didn't last long in my case (maybe I was just lucky? Have heard some horror stories) it's just getting to that point of acceptance that you'll never see the cute stage again.

I'd give everything to be able to time travel back to their younger years, just for a little, sweaty toddler cuddle or a sniff of their early morning, sleepy smell....

B0J0ker · 13/04/2022 18:30

And I should have added that at 20 and 22 mine are so amazing! Just the best company ever, lovely to their old mum and I feel I'm reaping the rewards of all I've instilled in them growing up.

N1kla1027 · 14/04/2022 01:40

Mine are one…borrow them if you like!

WTF475878237NC · 14/04/2022 03:26

ds looks at me and smiles and says I love you mummy, and it isn't forced or awkward, he really means it. No one will ever say that or love me like that again after they grow up.

^ I get where you're coming from and OP. It is a form of grief for some of us, not a bereavement, but a loss all the same. A loss of being the centre of someone's world, of the innocence and wonder and as someone else said, the uncomplicated life where troubles could be solved with an ice cream.

Personally it's not rose tinted glasses, being exhausted from nappies and tantrums and night feeds is nothing compared to being exhausted from being on teen suicide watch because of the emotional aspect of parenting in crisis. The modern world brings teenage angst to a whole new level of threat and vulnerability (at least the potential) and with young people more likely to move away than in the older agricultural years centuries gone by, it makes sense to feel this as a sadness for what's gone.

PopOfNothing · 14/04/2022 04:09

Little kids have just moved next door to me, they ride round on their little bikes, play games, their eldest has just started at the local school my nearly 23yo daughter went to. They have made me very wistful of DD's younger years and I was never a parent who was saddened as DD went through the different stages of life, and I definetely preffered the older primary school / teen / adult years.

On the flip side, I hear a tantrum and there is a sense of relief that I no longer have to deal with that anymore Grin

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2022 04:21

Sorry but I'm here to tell you YABVU.

I haven't had more than four hours sleep a night in two years.

My youngest daughter is on day 10 of high fever, have been through three GPs and an a&e trip in the last week

I haven't done anything much apart from work or childcare in years. Haven't seen a friend socially since January.

I'm exhausted and anxious all the time (2 kids both with some medical issues who are both under 5 and need constant monitoring as they can't talk/aren't reliable in terms of reporting symptoms etc)

They also have severe food allergies so hardly anyone will take them for childcare.

I need a rest so badly but it won't come for a very very long time.

I have no doubt the teen years are very challenging. But you've forgotten what it's like to be 100 per cent responsible for tiny children

There is a lot of joy of course - but I can't wait for the next stage tbh