Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Opting out of in-law stuff

66 replies

TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 14:53

Suspect IABU, but want to check out how others deal with this stuff.

DH and I been together a couple of decades. Pretty solid relationship. Teenage kids. I like his immediate family, he likes mine.

Every year his wider family (siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, all their kids, etc) have a "reunion" in a massive rented house/complex of houses. I absolutely HATE it. Individually, they're all good people. I like them and certainly have nothing against any of them. But the reunion itself I find incredibly stressful. Some of it is because I'm not a big drinker and it all centres quite a lot around alcohol (and endless jokes about alcohol, which I find a bit repetitive). And they're mostly real extroverts (I'm not at all). Some of it is because I really hate noise and being in large groups (always have). Some of it is because of negative associations from when the kids were little of being one of the only sober ones, trying to keep track of everything.

This year, now the kids are older and I don't feel I'd be leaving him in the lurch childcare wise, WIBU to say to DH I'm going to opt out (and let him and the DC go)? Does anyone else do this? Or did I sign up to these things when I signed up to a relationship with DH?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2022 15:03

Not unreasonable to not go inwouldnt have thought. Be prepared that your kids might want to opt out too though...

whenwillthemadnessend · 11/04/2022 15:05

Yep I'd happily
Opt out or at least only go every other year going forward.

switswooo · 11/04/2022 15:07

Definitely opt-out, it sounds like a booze filled hell.

Original poster
TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 15:13

Ooh, this is encouraging - I was expecting to be told to suck it up and not be such a killjoy, since it's only one weekend per year. Feeling emboldened... thank you Grin

OP posts:
2Gen · 11/04/2022 15:14

YANBU!
Being with one drunk person when you're not drunk is annoying at best, utterly draining and exasperating at worst. Being stuck with a whole gaggle of them must be Purgatory!
If they are all going to be drunk, is it going to be a good environment for your DC to be in though? Or will your DH stay relatively sober? Even if they're older, it might not be a good example to them anyway.

Comedycook · 11/04/2022 15:15

How long does it last for? If it's a day, I'd suck it up. If it's a week long party, I'd give it a miss

Original poster
TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 15:17

@2Gen

YANBU! Being with one drunk person when you're not drunk is annoying at best, utterly draining and exasperating at worst. Being stuck with a whole gaggle of them must be Purgatory! If they are all going to be drunk, is it going to be a good environment for your DC to be in though? Or will your DH stay relatively sober? Even if they're older, it might not be a good example to them anyway.
Yes, this is in the back of my mind TBH. We've missed two years because of the pandemic, so last time we were there it wasn't an issue. I do kind of wonder whether I should go because of the kids. I suppose they might need more watching, rather than less, this year... Bugger Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 15:18

@Comedycook

How long does it last for? If it's a day, I'd suck it up. If it's a week long party, I'd give it a miss
It's a long weekend, @Comedycook. Two or three nights.
OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 11/04/2022 15:18

It sounds like my bloke’s family. I’ve sucked it up in the past but the next one should be interesting because he doesn’t drink alcohol any more.

Original poster
TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 15:22

@Blossomtoes

It sounds like my bloke’s family. I’ve sucked it up in the past but the next one should be interesting because he doesn’t drink alcohol any more.
Oh that does sound interesting, @Blossomtoes. Hope it goes well.
OP posts:
dollyblack · 11/04/2022 15:23

I opt out of family things sometimes, strategically arranging things that clash.

I would be wary of leaving kids in a big drunken weekend but would depend on who else was attending and the responsibility/sobriety levels of my spouse.

Original poster
TurnOffTheHeating · 11/04/2022 15:33

@dollyblack

I opt out of family things sometimes, strategically arranging things that clash.

I would be wary of leaving kids in a big drunken weekend but would depend on who else was attending and the responsibility/sobriety levels of my spouse.

Yes, a strategic clash would be one option (for one year at least...).

You're right about the kids, though. This thread is making me think again about that. I suppose if I don't go, I don't give DH the opportunity to be irresponsible with his drinking, as he'll have to stay compos mentis for the kids.... Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, though...

OP posts:
Comedycook · 11/04/2022 15:35

I think it's a shame you got food poisoning right before the next get together Wink

Maisa45 · 11/04/2022 15:37

Fuck that. Don't go. Life is short and your free time is precious. Imagine the lovely peaceful night you could have alone at home Grin

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 11/04/2022 15:39

Opt out. I’ve done this after I became the defacto chef / meal planner / food organiser . It was exhausting. Now I don’t go.

dollymuchymuchness · 11/04/2022 15:40

It would be my worst nightmare. I would definitely opt out and keep my kids safe with me. A load of drunken adults is not a place for kids, teenagers included.

Why do people have fun getting drunk? 🤷‍♀️

custardbear · 11/04/2022 15:40

How old are your children? I'd be wary of sending them off to be 'looked after' by boozy family tbh

HeDidWhattt · 11/04/2022 15:44

I personally would enjoy it even though I don’t drink but if you won’t then don’t go, you can opt out, no one should make you do anything you don’t want too….be more selfish and put yourself first.

nonevernotever · 11/04/2022 15:45

Yes I'd opt out. Dh's family can be like this, so I insist on staying in separate accommodation so that I can vanish when I need to.

Hillarious · 11/04/2022 15:49

I'd be there with @HeDidWhattt. I miss the get togethers my family had when I was younger.

godmum56 · 11/04/2022 15:50

Have you talked to your husband about this? It may not be an issue.

IncompleteSenten · 11/04/2022 15:54

Suggest to him he goes alone so he can enjoy some relaxing time with his family without having to take care of the kids.
Spin it like you're doing him a huge favour and letting him really enjoy himself without any responsibilities at all.

irishfarmer · 11/04/2022 16:00

My DH doesn't like to be around my family for a very long period of time. He came on one week long holiday with us and will never again. There are a LOT of us (12 siblings, partners, now 22 nieces/nephs) and we get loud! I wouldn't mind one bit if he opted out, as long as he wasn't rude about my family and didn't imply I shouldn't go.

Don't know what to think about your DC. Depends what you DH is like, and how old DC are.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/04/2022 16:01

That sounds grim to me, I'd be going once every 3 or 4 years and checking that the teens aren't finding it awful too.

CurbsideProphet · 11/04/2022 16:04

I would hate that. DH and I have the agreement that we will never expect each other to go on holiday with our families 😀