Opting out of in-law stuff

[TurnOffTheHeating]

Suspect IABU, but want to check out how others deal with this stuff.

DH and I been together a couple of decades. Pretty solid relationship. Teenage kids. I like his immediate family, he likes mine.

Every year his wider family (siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, all their kids, etc) have a "reunion" in a massive rented house/complex of houses. I absolutely HATE it. Individually, they're all good people. I like them and certainly have nothing against any of them. But the reunion itself I find incredibly stressful. Some of it is because I'm not a big drinker and it all centres quite a lot around alcohol (and endless jokes about alcohol, which I find a bit repetitive). And they're mostly real extroverts (I'm not at all). Some of it is because I really hate noise and being in large groups (always have). Some of it is because of negative associations from when the kids were little of being one of the only sober ones, trying to keep track of everything.

This year, now the kids are older and I don't feel I'd be leaving him in the lurch childcare wise, WIBU to say to DH I'm going to opt out (and let him and the DC go)? Does anyone else do this? Or did I sign up to these things when I signed up to a relationship with DH?

Teenagers… they will manage without you for one weekend with their dad at a family event.

That’s if they want to go?

Chat with DH and put the idea to the children. Let them decide what they want to do. If they know the option of not attending is available maybe they won’t want to attend either.

Maybe they find it too chaotic, noisy and overwhelming and the family do their head in?

@Hutchy16

Not unreasonable, but honestly for the sake of one weekend, I would just suck it up.

Me too, I would be willing to bet good money that if this were the OP's own extended family it wouldn't be a problem! Maybe if OP decides to duck out then her partner will be able to escape meeting up with any of her family.

Will they take it out on your dh and your kids if you don't go?
My ex in laws would have done. Actually the few odd times I tried it they did do.
But if you don't have to worry about that then don't go

I don’t think you need to go.
Men never feel guilty about opting out of things they don’t want to do.
I think it’s reasonable to expect DH should be able to take DCs to his family gathering and remain responsible for them. That doesn’t mean he can’t have a drink but, he should ensure he stays in a fit state.
What are his thoughts on it?

YANBU. However much I liked my in-laws as individuals, I'd be doing my best to bow out. The drinking wouldn't even be a factor for me - I would find spending a whole weekend with loads of extrovert, sociable people unbelievably stressful, whether they were drinking or not. I just find any situation involving lots of people all staying together very, very hard to handle - I think it's the chaos, the complexity, the competing noise of different conversations and activities, the arrangements over who does/brings/contributes what, just all of it.

If it was once every 3-5 years I'd say just be a good sport but once every year for a huge family reunion weekend is definitely overkill. Just say you can't be bothered.

I find most responses on here really perplexing. With a handful of exceptions, hardly anyone has thought to ask how your DH would feel about you not turning up.

If he doesn't care then you're fine. Do what you like.

But if he does, then the question becomes whether you're happy to absent yourself from a family tradition that he wants you to be part of.

Unless he were abusive or not a good husband in some way, or unless he refused to join in family events you want him to join, or unless his family were acting in ways that are inappropriate or unreasonable (aggressive, unpleasant or rude etc) then one weekend in a year is not an unreasonable ask for a family tradition.

Most posters on here seem to think in extremely selfish terms without any regard to whether your DH would actually want to have his family join in this tradition.

• I find most responses on here really perplexing. With a handful of exceptions, hardly anyone has thought to ask how your DH would feel about you not turning up.

If he doesn't care then you're fine. Do what you like.

But if he does, then the question becomes whether you're happy to absent yourself from a family tradition that he wants you to be part of.*

I get what you’re saying but by the way OP describes it, it’s not really fair on her due to past experiences. She’s put up with it for years and now her children are of the age that she doesn’t need to do it anymore and/or they can make a choice if they do want to go. She has had to deal with going somewhere where she is one of the only sober people and then getting crap for it. She’s also an introvert and doesn’t feel comfortable with big gatherings and loud noises which I bet her DH knows and should by now understand. She has grinned and bared it enough for her DH and the children so they can spend time with his family. She should be able to not go and leave her DH to his family. Considering what a complete opposite she is to them, I doubt they would be upset that she was not there.

Thanks all - I'm reading and digesting all this. Has made me think a lot.

In answer to what DH thinks/would think... I haven't spoken to him about it (although he does know I find it stressful), but feel quite confident I know what he'd think - he'd say "OK", but be disappointed/maybe a bit hurt that I'd consider not going (because we're a team). And as a more minor issue I suspect it would make his family ask questions, because in the past when a partner has stopped going to the reunions, it's been because of a break-up (or imminent break-up). And he'd probably not enjoy having sole responsibility of the kids, because cutting loose is the name of the game...

It's one weekend a year, I would just deal with it. Maybe schedule in something to give me a break or make it 2 nights rather than 3. But it depends on your relationship in general.

My DH is very supportive with my family who can be difficult so I deal with his family's occasional family holidays - which are a week usually, due to distance. I guess if you don't feel like you get reciprocity from him, it's different

I see where you are coming from - been there, although for different reasons.

However, I would want to be keeping an eye on my children in such a toxic atmosphere. I think I would go for that reason only - unless you can manage to organise something different for you and the children.

I dodged a dinner lately it lined up and clashed with something else we had arranged , nothing against in laws just didn't fancy being in the middle of things . Large extended group and there was a bit of friction , so glad I couldn't go .

Do you expect him to accompany you to your family events? If not then opting out is fine but expect them to not include you in other things

The only thing is your DC, in lots of ways really. 1, as others have pointed out they might benefit from having someone sober there to keep an eye on them. 2, in the long run, wouldn’t it be a good idea to encourage them to see that wider family events are the norm? If you teach them that to they get opt out of family events you might one day (when they have kids and parters etc) find them opting out of seeing you.

If you teach them that to they get opt out of family events you might one day (when they have kids and parters etc) find them opting out of seeing you.

Why do posters always act as if this is a bad thing? I rather my children WANT to see me vs feeling obligated to.

Huge loud alcohol fuelled family gatherings are my idea of hell - I'm as chatty as they come but still hate that sort of thing.

If you opt out I'd also be wary of teenagers with easy access to alcohol under the less than watchful eyes of adults who are 'cutting loose'. I got horrifically drunk sneaking drinks at a family party aged 13 and was lucky not have alcohol poisoning or choke on my own vomit in the night. My family tended to see this as a 'rite of passage' and not a big deal . If you don't go, DH needs to sign up to keep a reasonably close eye on them.

If you do go, can you take kids off for something fun away from the worst of the drinking games and enforced fun? I'm not a teetotaller but there is nothing worse than being the sensible one in a bunch of drunken middle aged people thinking they are 'hilarious'.